And on, I go...
Took a bit while..
It has been everything but easy..
It seemed impossible
But in the end, I just had to..
This girl's FINALLY...
MOVING ON.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Babbling my way to tomorrow
Isn't it ironic how we all condition ourselves to go for that dream but the minute it starts to materialize, we turn cold turkey and run away -far, far away from it without so much as looking back? Blame it on those blasted horror stories of dreams going belly up right before you get on top or be gobbled alive by your own insecurity and paranoia of not being good enough but it happens, it happens to the best of us.
One day you're so close to your dream that you can almost taste, feel it and then the next minute it feels as though the momentum and every excited bone in your body just went numb, everything feels unfamiliar and you suddenly feel unsafe -without the slightest clue as to where the heck you are. Think Amish country.
I guess that's what life is all about, huh? Moving on, pushing forward, growing up and all those things you have to muster in if you so much as intend to get anywhere in life. No matter how scary or unfamiliar or how uncomfotable it all seems in the beginning, you just got to deal.
But you know what's even scarier than the unfamiliarity of today? Not the haunting scars of yesterday but the mirror of truth that tomorrow presents. And by that I don't mean what could be in store for me personally but of what I have to bring myself to accept later on in life. Like more deaths, how time can change the people I love and the inevitable seeing-people-from-your-past moment. The first two, I think I can handle (practice makes perfect) but the last? Seeing former flames, former friends, former.. everything. It may seem like I'm making too much out of this but it's just something I have been thinking about. I mean, what could that be like? Of course I have in my head probable scenarios -all with me in a fabulous ensemble in a gathering honoring my many achievements and with them, well they're them (haven't we all?), but I don't think I'm going to be that lucky. Ooohboy. I have all my fingers and toes crossed.. That would be that day.. Ah yes. The day.
Being so far away from 'that past' makes it bittersweet. Yes, it gives me all the time to pace myself for that day but then all this time away could very well numb me out and just when I feel okay to face that moment, the years and years of emotion-hibernation gets the best of me and Poof! I explode right in the middle of that day and well, so much for my designer coutre.
So that's not exactly optimism but I guess that's the realist gene kicking in. And that darned gene is making me want to think of that day -that day when everything I have been trying to keep behind me finally catches up on me, slows down my pace, and bites me in the rear (okay, so maybe no biting but you get what I'm saying). And I guess there's really no getting out of this one and I mean what am I supposed to do? Go on exile for the next 10 years in Siberia to prevent that day from happening? Even if I do, I'm pretty sure God will weasel out a plan to somehow still make it happen.
Drat.
But you know what really gets to me? It's that I know no matter how I keep thinking about it to somehow prepare myself, I know I'm never going to be ready enough so why even bother worrying about something inevitable, right? I've always done well coping with stress and all those crazy emotion-inducing experiences so why am I freaking out on this one now, right? Right. I'm talking to myself now which should be your cue to run and hit that red x box on the upper right side of this site.
It's just freaking distracting, is all I'm saying. It's unsettling and my brain's all mixed up with all these emotions.. my goodness it can be tiring being a woman sometimes.
One day you're so close to your dream that you can almost taste, feel it and then the next minute it feels as though the momentum and every excited bone in your body just went numb, everything feels unfamiliar and you suddenly feel unsafe -without the slightest clue as to where the heck you are. Think Amish country.
I guess that's what life is all about, huh? Moving on, pushing forward, growing up and all those things you have to muster in if you so much as intend to get anywhere in life. No matter how scary or unfamiliar or how uncomfotable it all seems in the beginning, you just got to deal.
But you know what's even scarier than the unfamiliarity of today? Not the haunting scars of yesterday but the mirror of truth that tomorrow presents. And by that I don't mean what could be in store for me personally but of what I have to bring myself to accept later on in life. Like more deaths, how time can change the people I love and the inevitable seeing-people-from-your-past moment. The first two, I think I can handle (practice makes perfect) but the last? Seeing former flames, former friends, former.. everything. It may seem like I'm making too much out of this but it's just something I have been thinking about. I mean, what could that be like? Of course I have in my head probable scenarios -all with me in a fabulous ensemble in a gathering honoring my many achievements and with them, well they're them (haven't we all?), but I don't think I'm going to be that lucky. Ooohboy. I have all my fingers and toes crossed.. That would be that day.. Ah yes. The day.
Being so far away from 'that past' makes it bittersweet. Yes, it gives me all the time to pace myself for that day but then all this time away could very well numb me out and just when I feel okay to face that moment, the years and years of emotion-hibernation gets the best of me and Poof! I explode right in the middle of that day and well, so much for my designer coutre.
So that's not exactly optimism but I guess that's the realist gene kicking in. And that darned gene is making me want to think of that day -that day when everything I have been trying to keep behind me finally catches up on me, slows down my pace, and bites me in the rear (okay, so maybe no biting but you get what I'm saying). And I guess there's really no getting out of this one and I mean what am I supposed to do? Go on exile for the next 10 years in Siberia to prevent that day from happening? Even if I do, I'm pretty sure God will weasel out a plan to somehow still make it happen.
Drat.
But you know what really gets to me? It's that I know no matter how I keep thinking about it to somehow prepare myself, I know I'm never going to be ready enough so why even bother worrying about something inevitable, right? I've always done well coping with stress and all those crazy emotion-inducing experiences so why am I freaking out on this one now, right? Right. I'm talking to myself now which should be your cue to run and hit that red x box on the upper right side of this site.
It's just freaking distracting, is all I'm saying. It's unsettling and my brain's all mixed up with all these emotions.. my goodness it can be tiring being a woman sometimes.
Signs
It started right after my grandfather died 11 years ago; about a week after I got home from the province for his funeral, I saw two yellow butterflies every single day -for over a month. Some time later, it became just one except during my birthdays and tragedy-stricken days like Michael's death, my grandmother's funeral and the like, then there would always be two. It lessened as I grew older, sometimes I'd see one every other week or sometimes none at all for a month but whenever something was happening to me like I'd have a major exam, a project to host or what-not, the yellow butterfly would always make an appearance. I honestly believe the two butterflies to be my grandfather and Papa. Now what I don't know is which of them appears to me in singles and although I like to think it that they take turns, I guess I'll never really know. But yes, it's the Yellow Butterfly(ies) that usually lights up my heart when I'm too sad or too outraged with what's going on in my life. It was always so nice seeing one, much more if I saw two because I took it as the universe's, and of course God's, way of telling me everything will be okay.
So you can imagine my surprise when today, at past 8 tonight (let me clue everyone in, I'm in the UK and the sun doesn't set well over 10:30pm here), as I was hauling out the garbage out in front of my building, I saw two yellow butterflies in their fluttering glory.
To express how dramatic this is for me, I don't think I have ever been through anything as hard as I have this last few months but I have not seen one yellow butterfly since touching down at the airport almost 5 months ago. And now that I think about it, it's all very symbolic that they chose to show themselves now when I think I finally got my footing back.
I know I'm going to be okay.
And I know it's silly to light up just because some random pair of insects happen to appear when they do but it's given me that kind of comfort that I think, more than anything, has gotten me through some of the worst phases of my life. And not seeing it until now makes me feel that maybe I am getting a lot more tougher, you know? Bah. I know I'm just rambling now but I don't know how else to explain it but I have always been a believer in signs. Not in just the literal meaning of it but the cosmic twist some things have in them. I don't know about you but some of the more important decisions I had to make in my life, included me asking God for a sign -a sign to somehow clue me in on what He wants me to do and it has always meant a lot to me that He has always delivered.
Lately, there have been so many things happening, coming at me from all angles. Things that are of relative significance to me that sometimes comes in on a little too strongly that I just look up and say to Him, "oh come on, what's this now?". Things that seem all too silly and trivial and not worth mentioning but things that instantaneously warms me up like you wouldn't imagine.
Signs.
To some people, it's merely coincidences and to quote an old friend, it's overrated and it's nothing but a figment of our imagination to give affirmation to what we already know about ourselves and of our lives and maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just amplifying all of this when I should really be better off doing something else and maybe it's a waste of my already deteriorating brain from the boredom it's harboring to keep thinking about all of this randomness.. Maybe it's all just in my head and I'm pumping myself up so much more than I should.. Maybe I don't need anything other than my brain telling me what to do to act on something.. Maybe I'm better off not considering anything out of the norm and reason.. Maybe I've just played all of this too well in my head that it's had so much impact in my decision making and maybe I'm better off without it..
Maybe... But I doubt it.
So you can imagine my surprise when today, at past 8 tonight (let me clue everyone in, I'm in the UK and the sun doesn't set well over 10:30pm here), as I was hauling out the garbage out in front of my building, I saw two yellow butterflies in their fluttering glory.
To express how dramatic this is for me, I don't think I have ever been through anything as hard as I have this last few months but I have not seen one yellow butterfly since touching down at the airport almost 5 months ago. And now that I think about it, it's all very symbolic that they chose to show themselves now when I think I finally got my footing back.
I know I'm going to be okay.
And I know it's silly to light up just because some random pair of insects happen to appear when they do but it's given me that kind of comfort that I think, more than anything, has gotten me through some of the worst phases of my life. And not seeing it until now makes me feel that maybe I am getting a lot more tougher, you know? Bah. I know I'm just rambling now but I don't know how else to explain it but I have always been a believer in signs. Not in just the literal meaning of it but the cosmic twist some things have in them. I don't know about you but some of the more important decisions I had to make in my life, included me asking God for a sign -a sign to somehow clue me in on what He wants me to do and it has always meant a lot to me that He has always delivered.
Lately, there have been so many things happening, coming at me from all angles. Things that are of relative significance to me that sometimes comes in on a little too strongly that I just look up and say to Him, "oh come on, what's this now?". Things that seem all too silly and trivial and not worth mentioning but things that instantaneously warms me up like you wouldn't imagine.
Signs.
To some people, it's merely coincidences and to quote an old friend, it's overrated and it's nothing but a figment of our imagination to give affirmation to what we already know about ourselves and of our lives and maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just amplifying all of this when I should really be better off doing something else and maybe it's a waste of my already deteriorating brain from the boredom it's harboring to keep thinking about all of this randomness.. Maybe it's all just in my head and I'm pumping myself up so much more than I should.. Maybe I don't need anything other than my brain telling me what to do to act on something.. Maybe I'm better off not considering anything out of the norm and reason.. Maybe I've just played all of this too well in my head that it's had so much impact in my decision making and maybe I'm better off without it..
Maybe... But I doubt it.
Rambling
1 DTT MED VEG/CHS
1 DTT SPCY PPRN/CH
1 CP MSHRM RAVIOLI
1 CP CHSE GRLC & HR
1 GARLIC BAGUETTES
1 BERTOLLI SAUCE
1 BERT PECORINO
2 CP C TOFFEE ICRM
4 DOLMIO EXPRESS
2 BOLONGESE SAUCE
2 CP STREAKY BACON
2 CP RCTT CHS & SP
1 FAJITAS KIT
1 CP BASMATI RICE
1 SPRNOODLES BBQ BF
1 SPRNOODLES CH MN
1 CP SPAGHETTI
1 PHILADELPHIA ORG
1 RAGU ORIGINAL
2 CP LN STK MINCE
1 WARBS FARMHOUSE
2 SPAM PORK/HAM
1 CORNED BEEF
1 CP FRSH PAST MLK
1 CP GRTD MOZZRLA
1 DISCOVERY SALSA
1 FRSH SCNT DSH WASH
With all of that, you wouldn't think I could have left anything out but I did.. Oh boy I did. I forgot to buy vegetables for the Fajitas which in retrospect is okay since I don't really know when I'll be having it anyway and for sure it'd just rot away if I leave it too long.. I forgot to buy Butter, mayonnaise, eggs, fish and chips (oh, erm fries).. I was supposed to grab some strawberries but that skipped my mind as well. Then again, if I bought anymore, I think I would have damaged my arms because what I took home was already quite heavy. I had to stop twice (which was a lot considering I live so close to the co-op) cause the bags felt they were going to break and so were my arms but I'm here, typing away which clears that up.
I like doing the groceries. I actually enjoy going aisle per aisle grabbing what I need and thinking of what goes well with what. Well, I enjoy doing it here anyways. I didn't really do much grocery shopping back home. My sister usually took care of it. We both were always out of the house that grocery shopping meant buying only the essentials such as shampoos, soap, toothpaste, basically toiletries. No food because my sister and I didn't ever cook. Not that we didn't know how to but we just never did. We'd wake up at whatever time we needed to and we feed ourselves elsewhere. For over two years, my first meal was mostly brunch. Breakfast and Lunch combined right after my first morning classes at around 1-ish. Then I'd have to make sure that when I get home, I've already eaten unless it's another delivery night for me.
That was my routine for almost 2 years and I've gotten so used to it that during my first month here in the UK, when I was living with EJ and Ed and they were eating thrice a day, it really felt so weird to me. But I guess you really can't teach an old new tricks because there were days when I'd be alone at home the whole day and they'd ask what I ate before dinner, I'd stare at them and think, oh shoot, I haven't eaten anything yet. And I must admit, with me grocery shopping almost every other day, I really only eat once and on some good days, maybe twice. Not because I'm on a diet, not because i'm scrimping but just because I don't feel I have to eat. That explains the barely touched food that are in the trash (bad, I know) and it's no wonder I keep losing weight. I'm down to 44 kilos which I don't think is all that good. Boo.
Yes, people are creatures of habit and this particular one has hers nailed impeccably down.. Anyway.. The point of this entry is.. I don't know. Grocery shopping? My obsession with food? My has-been lifestlye circa 2006? My obnoxious eating habits? I seriously don't know..
But what I do know is that I spent 42.10 pounds on groceries today.
1 DTT SPCY PPRN/CH
1 CP MSHRM RAVIOLI
1 CP CHSE GRLC & HR
1 GARLIC BAGUETTES
1 BERTOLLI SAUCE
1 BERT PECORINO
2 CP C TOFFEE ICRM
4 DOLMIO EXPRESS
2 BOLONGESE SAUCE
2 CP STREAKY BACON
2 CP RCTT CHS & SP
1 FAJITAS KIT
1 CP BASMATI RICE
1 SPRNOODLES BBQ BF
1 SPRNOODLES CH MN
1 CP SPAGHETTI
1 PHILADELPHIA ORG
1 RAGU ORIGINAL
2 CP LN STK MINCE
1 WARBS FARMHOUSE
2 SPAM PORK/HAM
1 CORNED BEEF
1 CP FRSH PAST MLK
1 CP GRTD MOZZRLA
1 DISCOVERY SALSA
1 FRSH SCNT DSH WASH
With all of that, you wouldn't think I could have left anything out but I did.. Oh boy I did. I forgot to buy vegetables for the Fajitas which in retrospect is okay since I don't really know when I'll be having it anyway and for sure it'd just rot away if I leave it too long.. I forgot to buy Butter, mayonnaise, eggs, fish and chips (oh, erm fries).. I was supposed to grab some strawberries but that skipped my mind as well. Then again, if I bought anymore, I think I would have damaged my arms because what I took home was already quite heavy. I had to stop twice (which was a lot considering I live so close to the co-op) cause the bags felt they were going to break and so were my arms but I'm here, typing away which clears that up.
I like doing the groceries. I actually enjoy going aisle per aisle grabbing what I need and thinking of what goes well with what. Well, I enjoy doing it here anyways. I didn't really do much grocery shopping back home. My sister usually took care of it. We both were always out of the house that grocery shopping meant buying only the essentials such as shampoos, soap, toothpaste, basically toiletries. No food because my sister and I didn't ever cook. Not that we didn't know how to but we just never did. We'd wake up at whatever time we needed to and we feed ourselves elsewhere. For over two years, my first meal was mostly brunch. Breakfast and Lunch combined right after my first morning classes at around 1-ish. Then I'd have to make sure that when I get home, I've already eaten unless it's another delivery night for me.
That was my routine for almost 2 years and I've gotten so used to it that during my first month here in the UK, when I was living with EJ and Ed and they were eating thrice a day, it really felt so weird to me. But I guess you really can't teach an old new tricks because there were days when I'd be alone at home the whole day and they'd ask what I ate before dinner, I'd stare at them and think, oh shoot, I haven't eaten anything yet. And I must admit, with me grocery shopping almost every other day, I really only eat once and on some good days, maybe twice. Not because I'm on a diet, not because i'm scrimping but just because I don't feel I have to eat. That explains the barely touched food that are in the trash (bad, I know) and it's no wonder I keep losing weight. I'm down to 44 kilos which I don't think is all that good. Boo.
Yes, people are creatures of habit and this particular one has hers nailed impeccably down.. Anyway.. The point of this entry is.. I don't know. Grocery shopping? My obsession with food? My has-been lifestlye circa 2006? My obnoxious eating habits? I seriously don't know..
But what I do know is that I spent 42.10 pounds on groceries today.
Boredom does kill
Masakit pala sa ulo yon walan ginagawa.
I think I'm about to have an aneurism from all this brain inactivity. I mean to what extent does boredom border over insanity? It's not just boring actually. It's corrupting.. Demoralizing which is at this very minute, brimming over pure hysteria. Ack. This is too sad. It's the same thing everyday, the same meaningless daily grind and I'm personally getting sick of it. I mean I know I am literally living the dream but I guess dreams have a dash of nightmare in them, and boy is this one hitting home..
Trust me, I know, cause I'm this close to getting out of my mind!!
Personally this is all very childish, you don't have to tell me. I know. But it's just.. So.. Ack.. I can't even phrase it. I just feel so incompetent, feckless, inept.. So Lame. I know I'm not making much sense here but okay, let me try to explain. Picture yourself, lounging around the house, just watching the good old telly, slapping on a few bites every now and then, maybe do some reading when the fancy rises then you sleep. Now, try doing that EVERYDAY. Replace the telly with a laptop, eat an average of once everyday not because of diet or scrimping but because you're body clock is wayyyyy zapped meaning you sleep at 6am, wake up at 3pm and when feel the need to eat, it's almost midnight. Tingnan ko lan kun hindi kayo mabaliw.
This has been my routine for the past.. Oh I don't know, 2 months? Yes, there are those occasional days of going out into the city, meeting up with friends and grabbing something to eat here and there which is always fun but my goodness, is this ALL I'M EVER GOING TO DO HERE?
Yes, I know what you all want to say. Try a hobby, do volunteer work, travel, play sports, meet new friends.. And well, some things are just easier said than done. I actually could do volunteer work anytime, I have a contact and all but it's just not something I can bring myself to do. I was really hyped up about that 2 months ago but now it's just an idea that I can't get to.. you know?! Oooh boy, who am I kidding, course you don't.. Because unlike me, you have better things to do.. Boo.
On the flip side, travel is really the best thing I can do but that means spending and although I am well provided for, my not-so-long-ago surprise from my mobile company has left me feeling fuddled for I'd say, as long as I should live so I don't think any unnecessary spending is in the raps for me. I mean don't get me wrong, it's not something that was imposed on me but I think it's time to get a bit more responsible not because it's asked of me but because I damn well need to! RaaaARr! All this is making me sick.
Don't even get me started on my classes, I'm acing them but that's technically nothing to brag about should you know the real deal but that is a story for yet another day... Pfft. Now I feel really sick. Doi.
It may seem that way but i'm not complaining. Am not. This is all I've ever, ever wanted, you know? This is my dream. To live and study abroad. To bask in a different culture. To see the world outside my pearl of an orient home and I really feel like I am totally living the dream. You know? I get it that not very many gets this chance, but I wish I could just be doing something more productive. My brain, my body, ME, I am used to crammings and deadlines and stress-inducing what nots so how do you think I feel?! Boo. This is just low, I know. I'm not complaining and yes, I sound all defensive but I'm not, really. I'm just.. I guess pissed at myself, most of all for letting all of this get out of hand. I should have seen this coming, and well I did but I was too absorbed in the wreckage that has recently been my life.. I know it's not an excuse but.. There, okay. I'm not even going to try.. But it just sucks. I'm not all-knowing but I have a pretty good brain and it is a travesty to spend all my well oiled cells up there on my cranium just on the wonderful world of the internet 24/7. And yes, I am online 24/7. Ask anyone on my YM list or look at my status on the right hand side of this site, see? Ces is Online.. That's cause I'm always online. Pfft. Bugger..
But yes, I am trying to do something about all this. I am done with living in this upside down world. I'm not fit for this. I'm a hip, fun, spontaneous, smart-talking and free spirited girl who came here to conquer the world.. And while it's fun to think about all of this as an overpaid (try excessive) vacation, I don't really buy it. This is bull.. And you all freaking know it.
I must have handed out a million CVs already and no one has called me back for a summer job.. Grr. And now my head hurts.. Okay, my brain too, real bad. I need something to do, anything to look forward to besides checking (I sleep with my laptop beside me) if anyone commented on my multiply or if anyone messaged (or emailed) me while I was asleep (told ya i've become pathetic). And no, ogling at the laptop watching re-runs of Grey's, Gilmore Girls or Heroes DOES NOT COUNT.. Geez. I am better than this.. Buisit. Ayaw na.
*Ces just let out an exasperated sigh*
I think I'm about to have an aneurism from all this brain inactivity. I mean to what extent does boredom border over insanity? It's not just boring actually. It's corrupting.. Demoralizing which is at this very minute, brimming over pure hysteria. Ack. This is too sad. It's the same thing everyday, the same meaningless daily grind and I'm personally getting sick of it. I mean I know I am literally living the dream but I guess dreams have a dash of nightmare in them, and boy is this one hitting home..
Trust me, I know, cause I'm this close to getting out of my mind!!
Personally this is all very childish, you don't have to tell me. I know. But it's just.. So.. Ack.. I can't even phrase it. I just feel so incompetent, feckless, inept.. So Lame. I know I'm not making much sense here but okay, let me try to explain. Picture yourself, lounging around the house, just watching the good old telly, slapping on a few bites every now and then, maybe do some reading when the fancy rises then you sleep. Now, try doing that EVERYDAY. Replace the telly with a laptop, eat an average of once everyday not because of diet or scrimping but because you're body clock is wayyyyy zapped meaning you sleep at 6am, wake up at 3pm and when feel the need to eat, it's almost midnight. Tingnan ko lan kun hindi kayo mabaliw.
This has been my routine for the past.. Oh I don't know, 2 months? Yes, there are those occasional days of going out into the city, meeting up with friends and grabbing something to eat here and there which is always fun but my goodness, is this ALL I'M EVER GOING TO DO HERE?
Yes, I know what you all want to say. Try a hobby, do volunteer work, travel, play sports, meet new friends.. And well, some things are just easier said than done. I actually could do volunteer work anytime, I have a contact and all but it's just not something I can bring myself to do. I was really hyped up about that 2 months ago but now it's just an idea that I can't get to.. you know?! Oooh boy, who am I kidding, course you don't.. Because unlike me, you have better things to do.. Boo.
On the flip side, travel is really the best thing I can do but that means spending and although I am well provided for, my not-so-long-ago surprise from my mobile company has left me feeling fuddled for I'd say, as long as I should live so I don't think any unnecessary spending is in the raps for me. I mean don't get me wrong, it's not something that was imposed on me but I think it's time to get a bit more responsible not because it's asked of me but because I damn well need to! RaaaARr! All this is making me sick.
Don't even get me started on my classes, I'm acing them but that's technically nothing to brag about should you know the real deal but that is a story for yet another day... Pfft. Now I feel really sick. Doi.
It may seem that way but i'm not complaining. Am not. This is all I've ever, ever wanted, you know? This is my dream. To live and study abroad. To bask in a different culture. To see the world outside my pearl of an orient home and I really feel like I am totally living the dream. You know? I get it that not very many gets this chance, but I wish I could just be doing something more productive. My brain, my body, ME, I am used to crammings and deadlines and stress-inducing what nots so how do you think I feel?! Boo. This is just low, I know. I'm not complaining and yes, I sound all defensive but I'm not, really. I'm just.. I guess pissed at myself, most of all for letting all of this get out of hand. I should have seen this coming, and well I did but I was too absorbed in the wreckage that has recently been my life.. I know it's not an excuse but.. There, okay. I'm not even going to try.. But it just sucks. I'm not all-knowing but I have a pretty good brain and it is a travesty to spend all my well oiled cells up there on my cranium just on the wonderful world of the internet 24/7. And yes, I am online 24/7. Ask anyone on my YM list or look at my status on the right hand side of this site, see? Ces is Online.. That's cause I'm always online. Pfft. Bugger..
But yes, I am trying to do something about all this. I am done with living in this upside down world. I'm not fit for this. I'm a hip, fun, spontaneous, smart-talking and free spirited girl who came here to conquer the world.. And while it's fun to think about all of this as an overpaid (try excessive) vacation, I don't really buy it. This is bull.. And you all freaking know it.
I must have handed out a million CVs already and no one has called me back for a summer job.. Grr. And now my head hurts.. Okay, my brain too, real bad. I need something to do, anything to look forward to besides checking (I sleep with my laptop beside me) if anyone commented on my multiply or if anyone messaged (or emailed) me while I was asleep (told ya i've become pathetic). And no, ogling at the laptop watching re-runs of Grey's, Gilmore Girls or Heroes DOES NOT COUNT.. Geez. I am better than this.. Buisit. Ayaw na.
*Ces just let out an exasperated sigh*
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
My Soul
| You Are a Prophet Soul |
 You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
From the Heart
They say bad things always happen to good people and if that were true, then I must be a saint
I'm not going to give you a litany of every awful thing I have been through primarily because I acknowledge the fact that what seems extraordinarily heart-wrenching to me could mean nothing to any of you. I'm also aware that there are by far millions of people out there fighting harder battles than I could ever imagine and basically because I'm tired of relaying my life's pity stories.
But I do want to share what I am going through right now as this is something I think I need to do for myself for the very sake of "putting it out there". There are about a hundred or so drafts in my blog right now, awaiting its publication (onto cyber space) but I dare not because 1. I don't know if anyone's quite ready for what I have to say and 2, more than ever, I don't know if i'm ever going to be ready for what I have to say. My works are a reflection of my soul and of everything that I am about and I don't know if my soul is quite ready for that kind of publicity.
But there are things to say, things I am allowing myself to pour out if only because I think I have earned the right to be heard and to be given the time of day by anyone who should stumble upon this entry.
I have always believed in Love and in what it can do to a person. I believe in its every form, significance and actuality in one's life. It's not just a feeling of rush and gush but more of an enigmatic sensation we most commonly feel towards God, our families, friends, significant others and hopefully, towards ourselves. Other times, a passion becomes a recipient as well as seemingly nugatory material possessions to the untrained eye. It can be a myriad of so many different things and ways of expression but end of the day, it is one thing, apart from death, that we all share.
The ability to love and the hunger to be loved.
I must say I have had quite a journey. I am a living example of unconditional love, reasons branching onto the facts that my family have demonstrated nothing but that in all the years they have put up with my rebellion, lethargy and plain disobedience. My mother has been through an afflicted amount of pain, hurt and disappointment from the very daughter she desperately tried to provide for. Sure, my family had their shortcomings and none of them are perfect but their love for me, has always been the closest thing to that. And I know it's inaudible right now but I feel the same way and in certain levels, maybe even more.
It won't be much of a surprise that I credit everything I am and everything I have become to them. They taught me everything from values, responsibility, independence, confidence, goal-setting, relationships to Faith. It was in the various homes I grew up in (my family loved sharing me) that I slowly formed my ideas about everything in life. It was my mom's knack at befriending (and keeping friends) that defined for me what friendship was about. Seeing my much older cousins dot on me like their own little girl allowed me to explore the inner workings of a guy's mind and my happily married relatives (my grandparents most of all) were my inspiration. At 9, I felt I was ready to take on the world.
Years came and went and the many things I have absorbed from my childhood became my guideposts for everything. I was constantly challenged to stand by my own convictions and honor the value I have set for myself, believing it would always be enough to get me through.
But when everything that used to anchor you in place suddenly unfastens without so much of an explanation rendering you all the more mystified and causing you the kind of pain you only hear about other people going through and you never thought it would happen to you but did, then you know something is terribly wrong. And in your heart of hearts, no matter how you try to hold on, eventually you're going to have to pry your own hands and try saving whatever is left of you.
It has always been my philosophy to give anything and everything I get myself into my very best, my all. This was true with my writing, the dedication I showed in the various disciplines I involved myself in or outside of school and with the people I have met. Many times have I been hurt from disappointments, betrayal and deceit from the very things I have cared about, time and time again, I never learn my lesson. I'm still that same girl who gave until it seeringly hurt. And every single time I would break down, the most common line I hear from people is to, "never give it your all, save something for yourself or else you'll end up with nothing". They all sound like a broken record, really and I know most of them have resented me for "not listening" to their advice at least once during my many meltdowns but I have never thought of handling my affairs otherwise. The way I see it, no matter what has happened, the one who loved true can never lose but for the sake of conversation, I'd rather end up with nothing than to give someone less than everything I could. I don't think I can ever live with myself if I didn't.
And while I always felt in control of how I was dealing with my life, the past 4 months have exhausted my ability to fight, and even taking away whatever hopeful idealism of love, friendship, honesty and trust that I used to be brimming over with. More than the hurt, I am mostly concerned about how scared I am all of a sudden, scared because nothing in my life right now is familiar and it doesn't make any sense either. I was born a fighter, a survivor of the many ordeals I had to face for as long as I can remember but this time is particularly different, not just because it's a lot more painful but because I actually surrendered.
That's a mighty big word but there you have it, I surrendered. I gave up. It's hard to swallow but I guess I just couldn't take it anymore. Can you blame me for wanting to back down after seeing the very things that I have poured so much of myself to, have drawn their swords to fight, me. When all this while all I ever did was fight for them. Yes, it's a sad, sad tale that I don't want to further elaborate due to my attempts at keeping my tact but for sure, none of what I have said even cuts close to what I endured this past months. Seeing the irreparable damage, this is as far as my hands are going to type.
I have recognized the pain, the hurt that came with all of this and I am trying my best to be the bigger person by keeping the past very, very (literally) far away from me. I have taken courses of actions that have raised varied opinions from people whom I know only means well but end of the day, this is as best I could get to healing and moving on. I don't really know whether it's wrong or right but deep in my heart, I know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now.
Sure, there are days when I trip over self-pity and some harder days, I even blame myself for everything but end of the day, I can't anymore beat myself up cause seriously, how much more can I take? I guess I must have really loved and cared for them to actually down myself when I know my hands are sparkling clean. And it has been one exhausting push and pull of who-did-what. Bottomline is; I trusted them, rolled the dice, took my chances and I guess it just wasn't meant to pan out the way I wanted but it doesn't mean I can't be gentle with myself. I deserve a break from all the negativity and although I must admit I have spent quite some time obsessing whether my transgressors even feels remorseful, I am done. I am done hovering over myself blocking any form of light into my already gloom-stricken days.
Through all of this, my one great companion has been my tears, they have always brought me some kind of relief and somehow soothes me. I have always been a crybaby but I don't think I have ever cried as hard (and as much) as I have this past months but it's all good. I do not intend to stifle this by trying to put on a tough girl façade. My tears have always been my way of purging, and they have always been useful in allowing me to feel everything I need to feel. The hurt, the betrayal, the rejection and the humiliation among other things. It has been a whirlwind of emotions but I keep reminding myself that emotions are just that—emotions. They have no intellect and they are very much like the weather in that they will probably change every ten minutes or so. And with the slew of emotions coming at me from all angles, I have resigned to the act of crying over the emotions -the hurt, the pain, the betrayal yada yada yada, and not anymore over the ones who caused them.
While I try to not think of them as much anymore, the path to forgiveness just sucks. I normally don't really have a problem in this area but then again, no one has ever really hurt me this much before. But I know that healing can never be within reach if I leave this out. I would need to eventually forgive them but the thing is, it's hard to just say "okay" to all of it particularly because it is a wide known fact that once it is granted, they will somehow get off scot-free. I know, I know.. It's not really a healthy way of looking at things but can you blame a girl from wanting justice? But then again, I would have to digress that there could be a better way of "looking into all of this". In theory, forgiveness is relinquishing the right to get even. It simply means that you release the offender from their debt to you. I know that sounds like a tall order, because we really need that debt to be paid. Preferably in a pound of flesh and cold blood, thank you! But if that happens, relief is not the byproduct. It only breeds the appetite for more suffering and shame. It is still not an easy thing to do. We are masters at this game called blame-it-on-him-and-her but it is in forgiving those who have hurt us that will lead us to forgiving the very persons we need to forgive the most.
Ourselves.
After all the crying, settling the score between those who have hurt you, the attention now needs to be turned to you. What I have gone through caused me my self-esteem and blinded me of my worth but it is now time to shift the focus on rebuilding that. The crying in itself took quite a lot from me emotionally and after all those negativity, I am now doing myself the favor of reminding myself just how valuable I am. I mean come on, I took a chance and gave it my all. It didn’t work out, but that is hardly my fault. I loved with reckless abandon and that's more than others can claim but more importantly, it's because I survived a horrible devastation. The operative word being ‘survived’ which I think is reason enough to celebrate and yes, forgive myself for whatever it is that I allowed myself to partake in.
And going through that arduous process of forgiving means taking out anything that might just stunt this development. My choice to break away from everything that reminded me of what has happened was my way to detoxify myself. That was me sucking out the poison out of my life. I need my bearing back and I need to surround myself with people who will lift me higher, now more than ever. My path to rebuilding my self-esteem has no place for people or memories that could just impail my recovery. I mean it's bad enough that I went through what I did and it doesn't make it any easier to have people tell you how stupid you were for doing all the things you did when all the red flags were supposedly already up. I mean just because I'm slowly recovering it doesn't mean everything I have been through, every feeling I have harbored have instantaneously dissipated. And now that I think about it, it doesn't do much good hearing anything awful said about my transgressors. I mean yes, a part of me does cartwheels when I hear this or that but end of the day, (and you can slap me silly for this but) I still care. Yes, I am beyond hurt and greatly disappointed but I don't think hearing anything bad about and/or against them will help me up the ladder of healing.
My healing is in an indefinite time continuum. I have acknowledged that healing goes hand in hand with grieving and that, grieving in itself is an altogether different cycle. Time, patience and gentleness is the key to surviving this, I think. I need time to fully exfiltrate all those unwanted energies and ponderings, all of which I intend to wait out with as much time as I see fit. It is with time that I pray to gain perspective and be given (back) the heart to open myself once again to others. Love, friendship and partnerships are things I know I deserve and I refuse to spend the rest of my life bogged down in being this perpetual victim who has given up on the very things that made her insides go wild. Yes, time alone can tell and God alone can provide.
I'm proud to report that none of what I have been experiencing so far has caused a rift between my ultimate love and I. Papa God has always been there, prodding me every now and then to pick up my feet and see the bright, great sun he had set out for me (yes, I seriously think this way). It is in His will that I believe everything will be fine. I know that time will come when I again will experience all the things I am worthy of.
As for my transgressors? I don't really have anything to tell them, at this point. Mainly because I don't want to say anything mean or pretend to say something nice. And all because I am neither a liar nor a hypocrite, I will say nothing more.. Except to a particular somebody, a somebody who will forever take up a seat nestled safely in my heart.. These words are immortal to me and may cause a lot of raised eyebrows but, as that song Matt wrote for me said; I can tirelessly wait.
Yes, I might just have signaled suicide for myself but I don't really care anymore. When you come from a hurt like this, the only thing you really ever worry about is defining what you thought you already lost and from where I'm sitting, that somebody will always define for me true love. Love that yes, seems blind and unglued and oftentimes too much but you see, my take on all of this, is the way doctors treat their patients. It was from watching Grey's Anatomy that I fully heard out loud my very explaination for "putting it all out there". During one episode, George attended to a patient who was brought in brain dead and well, technically and clinically, a goner. He wanted to pronounce him dead on the spot but Dr. Bailey wouldn't hear of it, she asked him to do all the necessary procedures given to anyone needing resuscitation and he carried on with exasperation thinking it didn't make sense to do it seeing he was brain dead but then after some profoundness swooped over him, he finally got why Dr. Bailey specifically ordered every routine resuscitory procedure done to the patient. And I quote: "I now know why we have to go through the whole routinary procedure, to be able to tell the patient's family we did everything we could to save him."
And that my friends, is the exact same reason why I give and love the way I do, and why despite everything, I would do nothing differently. It's to be able to tell myself, not as a consolation but as an affirmation that I indeed, gave him, gave them, my all.
Only that can paint everything with sense, and that alone can make the tears and all, worth it.
I'm not going to give you a litany of every awful thing I have been through primarily because I acknowledge the fact that what seems extraordinarily heart-wrenching to me could mean nothing to any of you. I'm also aware that there are by far millions of people out there fighting harder battles than I could ever imagine and basically because I'm tired of relaying my life's pity stories.
But I do want to share what I am going through right now as this is something I think I need to do for myself for the very sake of "putting it out there". There are about a hundred or so drafts in my blog right now, awaiting its publication (onto cyber space) but I dare not because 1. I don't know if anyone's quite ready for what I have to say and 2, more than ever, I don't know if i'm ever going to be ready for what I have to say. My works are a reflection of my soul and of everything that I am about and I don't know if my soul is quite ready for that kind of publicity.
But there are things to say, things I am allowing myself to pour out if only because I think I have earned the right to be heard and to be given the time of day by anyone who should stumble upon this entry.
I have always believed in Love and in what it can do to a person. I believe in its every form, significance and actuality in one's life. It's not just a feeling of rush and gush but more of an enigmatic sensation we most commonly feel towards God, our families, friends, significant others and hopefully, towards ourselves. Other times, a passion becomes a recipient as well as seemingly nugatory material possessions to the untrained eye. It can be a myriad of so many different things and ways of expression but end of the day, it is one thing, apart from death, that we all share.
The ability to love and the hunger to be loved.
I must say I have had quite a journey. I am a living example of unconditional love, reasons branching onto the facts that my family have demonstrated nothing but that in all the years they have put up with my rebellion, lethargy and plain disobedience. My mother has been through an afflicted amount of pain, hurt and disappointment from the very daughter she desperately tried to provide for. Sure, my family had their shortcomings and none of them are perfect but their love for me, has always been the closest thing to that. And I know it's inaudible right now but I feel the same way and in certain levels, maybe even more.
It won't be much of a surprise that I credit everything I am and everything I have become to them. They taught me everything from values, responsibility, independence, confidence, goal-setting, relationships to Faith. It was in the various homes I grew up in (my family loved sharing me) that I slowly formed my ideas about everything in life. It was my mom's knack at befriending (and keeping friends) that defined for me what friendship was about. Seeing my much older cousins dot on me like their own little girl allowed me to explore the inner workings of a guy's mind and my happily married relatives (my grandparents most of all) were my inspiration. At 9, I felt I was ready to take on the world.
Years came and went and the many things I have absorbed from my childhood became my guideposts for everything. I was constantly challenged to stand by my own convictions and honor the value I have set for myself, believing it would always be enough to get me through.
But when everything that used to anchor you in place suddenly unfastens without so much of an explanation rendering you all the more mystified and causing you the kind of pain you only hear about other people going through and you never thought it would happen to you but did, then you know something is terribly wrong. And in your heart of hearts, no matter how you try to hold on, eventually you're going to have to pry your own hands and try saving whatever is left of you.
It has always been my philosophy to give anything and everything I get myself into my very best, my all. This was true with my writing, the dedication I showed in the various disciplines I involved myself in or outside of school and with the people I have met. Many times have I been hurt from disappointments, betrayal and deceit from the very things I have cared about, time and time again, I never learn my lesson. I'm still that same girl who gave until it seeringly hurt. And every single time I would break down, the most common line I hear from people is to, "never give it your all, save something for yourself or else you'll end up with nothing". They all sound like a broken record, really and I know most of them have resented me for "not listening" to their advice at least once during my many meltdowns but I have never thought of handling my affairs otherwise. The way I see it, no matter what has happened, the one who loved true can never lose but for the sake of conversation, I'd rather end up with nothing than to give someone less than everything I could. I don't think I can ever live with myself if I didn't.
And while I always felt in control of how I was dealing with my life, the past 4 months have exhausted my ability to fight, and even taking away whatever hopeful idealism of love, friendship, honesty and trust that I used to be brimming over with. More than the hurt, I am mostly concerned about how scared I am all of a sudden, scared because nothing in my life right now is familiar and it doesn't make any sense either. I was born a fighter, a survivor of the many ordeals I had to face for as long as I can remember but this time is particularly different, not just because it's a lot more painful but because I actually surrendered.
That's a mighty big word but there you have it, I surrendered. I gave up. It's hard to swallow but I guess I just couldn't take it anymore. Can you blame me for wanting to back down after seeing the very things that I have poured so much of myself to, have drawn their swords to fight, me. When all this while all I ever did was fight for them. Yes, it's a sad, sad tale that I don't want to further elaborate due to my attempts at keeping my tact but for sure, none of what I have said even cuts close to what I endured this past months. Seeing the irreparable damage, this is as far as my hands are going to type.
I have recognized the pain, the hurt that came with all of this and I am trying my best to be the bigger person by keeping the past very, very (literally) far away from me. I have taken courses of actions that have raised varied opinions from people whom I know only means well but end of the day, this is as best I could get to healing and moving on. I don't really know whether it's wrong or right but deep in my heart, I know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now.
Sure, there are days when I trip over self-pity and some harder days, I even blame myself for everything but end of the day, I can't anymore beat myself up cause seriously, how much more can I take? I guess I must have really loved and cared for them to actually down myself when I know my hands are sparkling clean. And it has been one exhausting push and pull of who-did-what. Bottomline is; I trusted them, rolled the dice, took my chances and I guess it just wasn't meant to pan out the way I wanted but it doesn't mean I can't be gentle with myself. I deserve a break from all the negativity and although I must admit I have spent quite some time obsessing whether my transgressors even feels remorseful, I am done. I am done hovering over myself blocking any form of light into my already gloom-stricken days.
Through all of this, my one great companion has been my tears, they have always brought me some kind of relief and somehow soothes me. I have always been a crybaby but I don't think I have ever cried as hard (and as much) as I have this past months but it's all good. I do not intend to stifle this by trying to put on a tough girl façade. My tears have always been my way of purging, and they have always been useful in allowing me to feel everything I need to feel. The hurt, the betrayal, the rejection and the humiliation among other things. It has been a whirlwind of emotions but I keep reminding myself that emotions are just that—emotions. They have no intellect and they are very much like the weather in that they will probably change every ten minutes or so. And with the slew of emotions coming at me from all angles, I have resigned to the act of crying over the emotions -the hurt, the pain, the betrayal yada yada yada, and not anymore over the ones who caused them.
While I try to not think of them as much anymore, the path to forgiveness just sucks. I normally don't really have a problem in this area but then again, no one has ever really hurt me this much before. But I know that healing can never be within reach if I leave this out. I would need to eventually forgive them but the thing is, it's hard to just say "okay" to all of it particularly because it is a wide known fact that once it is granted, they will somehow get off scot-free. I know, I know.. It's not really a healthy way of looking at things but can you blame a girl from wanting justice? But then again, I would have to digress that there could be a better way of "looking into all of this". In theory, forgiveness is relinquishing the right to get even. It simply means that you release the offender from their debt to you. I know that sounds like a tall order, because we really need that debt to be paid. Preferably in a pound of flesh and cold blood, thank you! But if that happens, relief is not the byproduct. It only breeds the appetite for more suffering and shame. It is still not an easy thing to do. We are masters at this game called blame-it-on-him-and-her but it is in forgiving those who have hurt us that will lead us to forgiving the very persons we need to forgive the most.
Ourselves.
After all the crying, settling the score between those who have hurt you, the attention now needs to be turned to you. What I have gone through caused me my self-esteem and blinded me of my worth but it is now time to shift the focus on rebuilding that. The crying in itself took quite a lot from me emotionally and after all those negativity, I am now doing myself the favor of reminding myself just how valuable I am. I mean come on, I took a chance and gave it my all. It didn’t work out, but that is hardly my fault. I loved with reckless abandon and that's more than others can claim but more importantly, it's because I survived a horrible devastation. The operative word being ‘survived’ which I think is reason enough to celebrate and yes, forgive myself for whatever it is that I allowed myself to partake in.
And going through that arduous process of forgiving means taking out anything that might just stunt this development. My choice to break away from everything that reminded me of what has happened was my way to detoxify myself. That was me sucking out the poison out of my life. I need my bearing back and I need to surround myself with people who will lift me higher, now more than ever. My path to rebuilding my self-esteem has no place for people or memories that could just impail my recovery. I mean it's bad enough that I went through what I did and it doesn't make it any easier to have people tell you how stupid you were for doing all the things you did when all the red flags were supposedly already up. I mean just because I'm slowly recovering it doesn't mean everything I have been through, every feeling I have harbored have instantaneously dissipated. And now that I think about it, it doesn't do much good hearing anything awful said about my transgressors. I mean yes, a part of me does cartwheels when I hear this or that but end of the day, (and you can slap me silly for this but) I still care. Yes, I am beyond hurt and greatly disappointed but I don't think hearing anything bad about and/or against them will help me up the ladder of healing.
My healing is in an indefinite time continuum. I have acknowledged that healing goes hand in hand with grieving and that, grieving in itself is an altogether different cycle. Time, patience and gentleness is the key to surviving this, I think. I need time to fully exfiltrate all those unwanted energies and ponderings, all of which I intend to wait out with as much time as I see fit. It is with time that I pray to gain perspective and be given (back) the heart to open myself once again to others. Love, friendship and partnerships are things I know I deserve and I refuse to spend the rest of my life bogged down in being this perpetual victim who has given up on the very things that made her insides go wild. Yes, time alone can tell and God alone can provide.
I'm proud to report that none of what I have been experiencing so far has caused a rift between my ultimate love and I. Papa God has always been there, prodding me every now and then to pick up my feet and see the bright, great sun he had set out for me (yes, I seriously think this way). It is in His will that I believe everything will be fine. I know that time will come when I again will experience all the things I am worthy of.
As for my transgressors? I don't really have anything to tell them, at this point. Mainly because I don't want to say anything mean or pretend to say something nice. And all because I am neither a liar nor a hypocrite, I will say nothing more.. Except to a particular somebody, a somebody who will forever take up a seat nestled safely in my heart.. These words are immortal to me and may cause a lot of raised eyebrows but, as that song Matt wrote for me said; I can tirelessly wait.
Yes, I might just have signaled suicide for myself but I don't really care anymore. When you come from a hurt like this, the only thing you really ever worry about is defining what you thought you already lost and from where I'm sitting, that somebody will always define for me true love. Love that yes, seems blind and unglued and oftentimes too much but you see, my take on all of this, is the way doctors treat their patients. It was from watching Grey's Anatomy that I fully heard out loud my very explaination for "putting it all out there". During one episode, George attended to a patient who was brought in brain dead and well, technically and clinically, a goner. He wanted to pronounce him dead on the spot but Dr. Bailey wouldn't hear of it, she asked him to do all the necessary procedures given to anyone needing resuscitation and he carried on with exasperation thinking it didn't make sense to do it seeing he was brain dead but then after some profoundness swooped over him, he finally got why Dr. Bailey specifically ordered every routine resuscitory procedure done to the patient. And I quote: "I now know why we have to go through the whole routinary procedure, to be able to tell the patient's family we did everything we could to save him."
And that my friends, is the exact same reason why I give and love the way I do, and why despite everything, I would do nothing differently. It's to be able to tell myself, not as a consolation but as an affirmation that I indeed, gave him, gave them, my all.
Only that can paint everything with sense, and that alone can make the tears and all, worth it.
From the Heart
They say bad things always happen to good people and if that were true, then I must be a saint
I'm not going to give you a litany of every awful thing I have been through primarily because I acknowledge the fact that what seems extraordinarily heart-wrenching to me could mean nothing to any of you. I'm also aware that there are by far millions of people out there fighting harder battles than I could ever imagine and basically because I'm tired of relaying my life's pity stories.
But I do want to share what I am going through right now as this is something I think I need to do for myself for the very sake of "putting it out there". There are about a hundred or so drafts in my blog right now, awaiting its publication (onto cyber space) but I dare not because 1. I don't know if anyone's quite ready for what I have to say and 2, more than ever, I don't know if i'm ever going to be ready for what I have to say. My works are a reflection of my soul and of everything that I am about and I don't know if my soul is quite ready for that kind of publicity.
But there are things to say, things I am allowing myself to pour out if only because I think I have earned the right to be heard and to be given the time of day by anyone who should stumble upon this entry.
I have always believed in Love and in what it can do to a person. I believe in its every form, significance and actuality in one's life. It's not just a feeling of rush and gush but more of an enigmatic sensation we most commonly feel towards God, our families, friends, significant others and hopefully, towards ourselves. Other times, a passion becomes a recipient as well as seemingly nugatory material possessions to the untrained eye. It can be a myriad of so many different things and ways of expression but end of the day, it is one thing, apart from death, that we all share.
The ability to love and the hunger to be loved.
I must say I have had quite a journey. I am a living example of unconditional love, reasons branching onto the facts that my family have demonstrated nothing but that in all the years they have put up with my rebellion, lethargy and plain disobedience. My mother has been through an afflicted amount of pain, hurt and disappointment from the very daughter she desperately tried to provide for. Sure, my family had their shortcomings and none of them are perfect but their love for me, has always been the closest thing to that. And I know it's inaudible right now but I feel the same way and in certain levels, maybe even more.
It won't be much of a surprise that I credit everything I am and everything I have become to them. They taught me everything from values, responsibility, independence, confidence, goal-setting, relationships to Faith. It was in the various homes I grew up in (my family loved sharing me) that I slowly formed my ideas about everything in life. It was my mom's knack at befriending (and keeping friends) that defined for me what friendship was about. Seeing my much older cousins dot on me like their own little girl allowed me to explore the inner workings of a guy's mind and my happily married relatives (my grandparents most of all) were my inspiration. At 9, I felt I was ready to take on the world.
Years came and went and the many things I have absorbed from my childhood became my guideposts for everything. I was constantly challenged to stand by my own convictions and honor the value I have set for myself, believing it would always be enough to get me through.
But when everything that used to anchor you in place suddenly unfastens without so much of an explanation rendering you all the more mystified and causing you the kind of pain you only hear about other people going through and you never thought it would happen to you but did, then you know something is terribly wrong. And in your heart of hearts, no matter how you try to hold on, eventually you're going to have to pry your own hands and try saving whatever is left of you.
It has always been my philosophy to give anything and everything I get myself into my very best, my all. This was true with my writing, the dedication I showed in the various disciplines I involved myself in or outside of school and with the people I have met. Many times have I been hurt from disappointments, betrayal and deceit from the very things I have cared about, time and time again, I never learn my lesson. I'm still that same girl who gave until it seeringly hurt. And every single time I would break down, the most common line I hear from people is to, "never give it your all, save something for yourself or else you'll end up with nothing". They all sound like a broken record, really and I know most of them have resented me for "not listening" to their advice at least once during my many meltdowns but I have never thought of handling my affairs otherwise. The way I see it, no matter what has happened, the one who loved true can never lose but for the sake of conversation, I'd rather end up with nothing than to give someone less than everything I could. I don't think I can ever live with myself if I didn't.
And while I always felt in control of how I was dealing with my life, the past 4 months have exhausted my ability to fight, and even taking away whatever hopeful idealism of love, friendship, honesty and trust that I used to be brimming over with. More than the hurt, I am mostly concerned about how scared I am all of a sudden, scared because nothing in my life right now is familiar and it doesn't make any sense either. I was born a fighter, a survivor of the many ordeals I had to face for as long as I can remember but this time is particularly different, not just because it's a lot more painful but because I actually surrendered.
That's a mighty big word but there you have it, I surrendered. I gave up. It's hard to swallow but I guess I just couldn't take it anymore. Can you blame me for wanting to back down after seeing the very things that I have poured so much of myself to, have drawn their swords to fight, me. When all this while all I ever did was fight for them. Yes, it's a sad, sad tale that I don't want to further elaborate due to my attempts at keeping my tact but for sure, none of what I have said even cuts close to what I endured this past months. Seeing the irreparable damage, this is as far as my hands are going to type.
I have recognized the pain, the hurt that came with all of this and I am trying my best to be the bigger person by keeping the past very, very (literally) far away from me. I have taken courses of actions that have raised varied opinions from people whom I know only means well but end of the day, this is as best I could get to healing and moving on. I don't really know whether it's wrong or right but deep in my heart, I know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now.
Sure, there are days when I trip over self-pity and some harder days, I even blame myself for everything but end of the day, I can't anymore beat myself up cause seriously, how much more can I take? I guess I must have really loved and cared for them to actually down myself when I know my hands are sparkling clean. And it has been one exhausting push and pull of who-did-what. Bottomline is; I trusted them, rolled the dice, took my chances and I guess it just wasn't meant to pan out the way I wanted but it doesn't mean I can't be gentle with myself. I deserve a break from all the negativity and although I must admit I have spent quite some time obsessing whether my transgressors even feels remorseful, I am done. I am done hovering over myself blocking any form of light into my already gloom-stricken days.
Through all of this, my one great companion has been my tears, they have always brought me some kind of relief and somehow soothes me. I have always been a crybaby but I don't think I have ever cried as hard (and as much) as I have this past months but it's all good. I do not intend to stifle this by trying to put on a tough girl façade. My tears have always been my way of purging, and they have always been useful in allowing me to feel everything I need to feel. The hurt, the betrayal, the rejection and the humiliation among other things. It has been a whirlwind of emotions but I keep reminding myself that emotions are just that—emotions. They have no intellect and they are very much like the weather in that they will probably change every ten minutes or so. And with the slew of emotions coming at me from all angles, I have resigned to the act of crying over the emotions -the hurt, the pain, the betrayal yada yada yada, and not anymore over the ones who caused them.
While I try to not think of them as much anymore, the path to forgiveness just sucks. I normally don't really have a problem in this area but then again, no one has ever really hurt me this much before. But I know that healing can never be within reach if I leave this out. I would need to eventually forgive them but the thing is, it's hard to just say "okay" to all of it particularly because it is a wide known fact that once it is granted, they will somehow get off scot-free. I know, I know.. It's not really a healthy way of looking at things but can you blame a girl from wanting justice? But then again, I would have to digress that there could be a better way of "looking into all of this". In theory, forgiveness is relinquishing the right to get even. It simply means that you release the offender from their debt to you. I know that sounds like a tall order, because we really need that debt to be paid. Preferably in a pound of flesh and cold blood, thank you! But if that happens, relief is not the byproduct. It only breeds the appetite for more suffering and shame. It is still not an easy thing to do. We are masters at this game called blame-it-on-him-and-her but it is in forgiving those who have hurt us that will lead us to forgiving the very persons we need to forgive the most.
Ourselves.
After all the crying, settling the score between those who have hurt you, the attention now needs to be turned to you. What I have gone through caused me my self-esteem and blinded me of my worth but it is now time to shift the focus on rebuilding that. The crying in itself took quite a lot from me emotionally and after all those negativity, I am now doing myself the favor of reminding myself just how valuable I am. I mean come on, I took a chance and gave it my all. It didn’t work out, but that is hardly my fault. I loved with reckless abandon and that's more than others can claim but more importantly, it's because I survived a horrible devastation. The operative word being ‘survived’ which I think is reason enough to celebrate and yes, forgive myself for whatever it is that I allowed myself to partake in.
And going through that arduous process of forgiving means taking out anything that might just stunt this development. My choice to break away from everything that reminded me of what has happened was my way to detoxify myself. That was me sucking out the poison out of my life. I need my bearing back and I need to surround myself with people who will lift me higher, now more than ever. My path to rebuilding my self-esteem has no place for people or memories that could just impail my recovery. I mean it's bad enough that I went through what I did and it doesn't make it any easier to have people tell you how stupid you were for doing all the things you did when all the red flags were supposedly already up. I mean just because I'm slowly recovering it doesn't mean everything I have been through, every feeling I have harbored have instantaneously dissipated. And now that I think about it, it doesn't do much good hearing anything awful said about my transgressors. I mean yes, a part of me does cartwheels when I hear this or that but end of the day, (and you can slap me silly for this but) I still care. Yes, I am beyond hurt and greatly disappointed but I don't think hearing anything bad about and/or against them will help me up the ladder of healing.
My healing is in an indefinite time continuum. I have acknowledged that healing goes hand in hand with grieving and that, grieving in itself is an altogether different cycle. Time, patience and gentleness is the key to surviving this, I think. I need time to fully exfiltrate all those unwanted energies and ponderings, all of which I intend to wait out with as much time as I see fit. It is with time that I pray to gain perspective and be given (back) the heart to open myself once again to others. Love, friendship and partnerships are things I know I deserve and I refuse to spend the rest of my life bogged down in being this perpetual victim who has given up on the very things that made her insides go wild. Yes, time alone can tell and God alone can provide.
I'm proud to report that none of what I have been experiencing so far has caused a rift between my ultimate love and I. Papa God has always been there, prodding me every now and then to pick up my feet and see the bright, great sun he had set out for me (yes, I seriously think this way). It is in His will that I believe everything will be fine. I know that time will come when I again will experience all the things I am worthy of.
As for my transgressors? I don't really have anything to tell them, at this point. Mainly because I don't want to say anything mean or pretend to say something nice. And all because I am neither a liar nor a hypocrite, I will say nothing more.. Except to a particular somebody, a somebody who will forever take up a seat nestled safely in my heart.. These words are immortal to me and may cause a lot of raised eyebrows but, as that song Matt wrote for me said; I can tirelessly wait.
Yes, I might just have signaled suicide for myself but I don't really care anymore. When you come from a hurt like this, the only thing you really ever worry about is defining what you thought you already lost and from where I'm sitting, that somebody will always define for me true love. Love that yes, seems blind and unglued and oftentimes too much but you see, my take on all of this, is the way doctors treat their patients. It was from watching Grey's Anatomy that I fully heard out loud my very explaination for "putting it all out there". During one episode, George attended to a patient who was brought in brain dead and well, technically and clinically, a goner. He wanted to pronounce him dead on the spot but Dr. Bailey wouldn't hear of it, she asked him to do all the necessary procedures given to anyone needing resuscitation and he carried on with exasperation thinking it didn't make sense to do it seeing he was brain dead but then after some profoundness swooped over him, he finally got why Dr. Bailey specifically ordered every routine resuscitory procedure done to the patient. And I quote: "I now know why we have to go through the whole routinary procedure, to be able to tell the patient's family we did everything we could to save him."
And that my friends, is the exact same reason why I give and love the way I do, and why despite everything, I would do nothing differently. It's to be able to tell myself, not as a consolation but as an affirmation that I indeed, gave him, gave them, my all.
Only that can paint everything with sense, and that alone can make the tears and all, worth it.
I'm not going to give you a litany of every awful thing I have been through primarily because I acknowledge the fact that what seems extraordinarily heart-wrenching to me could mean nothing to any of you. I'm also aware that there are by far millions of people out there fighting harder battles than I could ever imagine and basically because I'm tired of relaying my life's pity stories.
But I do want to share what I am going through right now as this is something I think I need to do for myself for the very sake of "putting it out there". There are about a hundred or so drafts in my blog right now, awaiting its publication (onto cyber space) but I dare not because 1. I don't know if anyone's quite ready for what I have to say and 2, more than ever, I don't know if i'm ever going to be ready for what I have to say. My works are a reflection of my soul and of everything that I am about and I don't know if my soul is quite ready for that kind of publicity.
But there are things to say, things I am allowing myself to pour out if only because I think I have earned the right to be heard and to be given the time of day by anyone who should stumble upon this entry.
I have always believed in Love and in what it can do to a person. I believe in its every form, significance and actuality in one's life. It's not just a feeling of rush and gush but more of an enigmatic sensation we most commonly feel towards God, our families, friends, significant others and hopefully, towards ourselves. Other times, a passion becomes a recipient as well as seemingly nugatory material possessions to the untrained eye. It can be a myriad of so many different things and ways of expression but end of the day, it is one thing, apart from death, that we all share.
The ability to love and the hunger to be loved.
I must say I have had quite a journey. I am a living example of unconditional love, reasons branching onto the facts that my family have demonstrated nothing but that in all the years they have put up with my rebellion, lethargy and plain disobedience. My mother has been through an afflicted amount of pain, hurt and disappointment from the very daughter she desperately tried to provide for. Sure, my family had their shortcomings and none of them are perfect but their love for me, has always been the closest thing to that. And I know it's inaudible right now but I feel the same way and in certain levels, maybe even more.
It won't be much of a surprise that I credit everything I am and everything I have become to them. They taught me everything from values, responsibility, independence, confidence, goal-setting, relationships to Faith. It was in the various homes I grew up in (my family loved sharing me) that I slowly formed my ideas about everything in life. It was my mom's knack at befriending (and keeping friends) that defined for me what friendship was about. Seeing my much older cousins dot on me like their own little girl allowed me to explore the inner workings of a guy's mind and my happily married relatives (my grandparents most of all) were my inspiration. At 9, I felt I was ready to take on the world.
Years came and went and the many things I have absorbed from my childhood became my guideposts for everything. I was constantly challenged to stand by my own convictions and honor the value I have set for myself, believing it would always be enough to get me through.
But when everything that used to anchor you in place suddenly unfastens without so much of an explanation rendering you all the more mystified and causing you the kind of pain you only hear about other people going through and you never thought it would happen to you but did, then you know something is terribly wrong. And in your heart of hearts, no matter how you try to hold on, eventually you're going to have to pry your own hands and try saving whatever is left of you.
It has always been my philosophy to give anything and everything I get myself into my very best, my all. This was true with my writing, the dedication I showed in the various disciplines I involved myself in or outside of school and with the people I have met. Many times have I been hurt from disappointments, betrayal and deceit from the very things I have cared about, time and time again, I never learn my lesson. I'm still that same girl who gave until it seeringly hurt. And every single time I would break down, the most common line I hear from people is to, "never give it your all, save something for yourself or else you'll end up with nothing". They all sound like a broken record, really and I know most of them have resented me for "not listening" to their advice at least once during my many meltdowns but I have never thought of handling my affairs otherwise. The way I see it, no matter what has happened, the one who loved true can never lose but for the sake of conversation, I'd rather end up with nothing than to give someone less than everything I could. I don't think I can ever live with myself if I didn't.
And while I always felt in control of how I was dealing with my life, the past 4 months have exhausted my ability to fight, and even taking away whatever hopeful idealism of love, friendship, honesty and trust that I used to be brimming over with. More than the hurt, I am mostly concerned about how scared I am all of a sudden, scared because nothing in my life right now is familiar and it doesn't make any sense either. I was born a fighter, a survivor of the many ordeals I had to face for as long as I can remember but this time is particularly different, not just because it's a lot more painful but because I actually surrendered.
That's a mighty big word but there you have it, I surrendered. I gave up. It's hard to swallow but I guess I just couldn't take it anymore. Can you blame me for wanting to back down after seeing the very things that I have poured so much of myself to, have drawn their swords to fight, me. When all this while all I ever did was fight for them. Yes, it's a sad, sad tale that I don't want to further elaborate due to my attempts at keeping my tact but for sure, none of what I have said even cuts close to what I endured this past months. Seeing the irreparable damage, this is as far as my hands are going to type.
I have recognized the pain, the hurt that came with all of this and I am trying my best to be the bigger person by keeping the past very, very (literally) far away from me. I have taken courses of actions that have raised varied opinions from people whom I know only means well but end of the day, this is as best I could get to healing and moving on. I don't really know whether it's wrong or right but deep in my heart, I know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now.
Sure, there are days when I trip over self-pity and some harder days, I even blame myself for everything but end of the day, I can't anymore beat myself up cause seriously, how much more can I take? I guess I must have really loved and cared for them to actually down myself when I know my hands are sparkling clean. And it has been one exhausting push and pull of who-did-what. Bottomline is; I trusted them, rolled the dice, took my chances and I guess it just wasn't meant to pan out the way I wanted but it doesn't mean I can't be gentle with myself. I deserve a break from all the negativity and although I must admit I have spent quite some time obsessing whether my transgressors even feels remorseful, I am done. I am done hovering over myself blocking any form of light into my already gloom-stricken days.
Through all of this, my one great companion has been my tears, they have always brought me some kind of relief and somehow soothes me. I have always been a crybaby but I don't think I have ever cried as hard (and as much) as I have this past months but it's all good. I do not intend to stifle this by trying to put on a tough girl façade. My tears have always been my way of purging, and they have always been useful in allowing me to feel everything I need to feel. The hurt, the betrayal, the rejection and the humiliation among other things. It has been a whirlwind of emotions but I keep reminding myself that emotions are just that—emotions. They have no intellect and they are very much like the weather in that they will probably change every ten minutes or so. And with the slew of emotions coming at me from all angles, I have resigned to the act of crying over the emotions -the hurt, the pain, the betrayal yada yada yada, and not anymore over the ones who caused them.
While I try to not think of them as much anymore, the path to forgiveness just sucks. I normally don't really have a problem in this area but then again, no one has ever really hurt me this much before. But I know that healing can never be within reach if I leave this out. I would need to eventually forgive them but the thing is, it's hard to just say "okay" to all of it particularly because it is a wide known fact that once it is granted, they will somehow get off scot-free. I know, I know.. It's not really a healthy way of looking at things but can you blame a girl from wanting justice? But then again, I would have to digress that there could be a better way of "looking into all of this". In theory, forgiveness is relinquishing the right to get even. It simply means that you release the offender from their debt to you. I know that sounds like a tall order, because we really need that debt to be paid. Preferably in a pound of flesh and cold blood, thank you! But if that happens, relief is not the byproduct. It only breeds the appetite for more suffering and shame. It is still not an easy thing to do. We are masters at this game called blame-it-on-him-and-her but it is in forgiving those who have hurt us that will lead us to forgiving the very persons we need to forgive the most.
Ourselves.
After all the crying, settling the score between those who have hurt you, the attention now needs to be turned to you. What I have gone through caused me my self-esteem and blinded me of my worth but it is now time to shift the focus on rebuilding that. The crying in itself took quite a lot from me emotionally and after all those negativity, I am now doing myself the favor of reminding myself just how valuable I am. I mean come on, I took a chance and gave it my all. It didn’t work out, but that is hardly my fault. I loved with reckless abandon and that's more than others can claim but more importantly, it's because I survived a horrible devastation. The operative word being ‘survived’ which I think is reason enough to celebrate and yes, forgive myself for whatever it is that I allowed myself to partake in.
And going through that arduous process of forgiving means taking out anything that might just stunt this development. My choice to break away from everything that reminded me of what has happened was my way to detoxify myself. That was me sucking out the poison out of my life. I need my bearing back and I need to surround myself with people who will lift me higher, now more than ever. My path to rebuilding my self-esteem has no place for people or memories that could just impail my recovery. I mean it's bad enough that I went through what I did and it doesn't make it any easier to have people tell you how stupid you were for doing all the things you did when all the red flags were supposedly already up. I mean just because I'm slowly recovering it doesn't mean everything I have been through, every feeling I have harbored have instantaneously dissipated. And now that I think about it, it doesn't do much good hearing anything awful said about my transgressors. I mean yes, a part of me does cartwheels when I hear this or that but end of the day, (and you can slap me silly for this but) I still care. Yes, I am beyond hurt and greatly disappointed but I don't think hearing anything bad about and/or against them will help me up the ladder of healing.
My healing is in an indefinite time continuum. I have acknowledged that healing goes hand in hand with grieving and that, grieving in itself is an altogether different cycle. Time, patience and gentleness is the key to surviving this, I think. I need time to fully exfiltrate all those unwanted energies and ponderings, all of which I intend to wait out with as much time as I see fit. It is with time that I pray to gain perspective and be given (back) the heart to open myself once again to others. Love, friendship and partnerships are things I know I deserve and I refuse to spend the rest of my life bogged down in being this perpetual victim who has given up on the very things that made her insides go wild. Yes, time alone can tell and God alone can provide.
I'm proud to report that none of what I have been experiencing so far has caused a rift between my ultimate love and I. Papa God has always been there, prodding me every now and then to pick up my feet and see the bright, great sun he had set out for me (yes, I seriously think this way). It is in His will that I believe everything will be fine. I know that time will come when I again will experience all the things I am worthy of.
As for my transgressors? I don't really have anything to tell them, at this point. Mainly because I don't want to say anything mean or pretend to say something nice. And all because I am neither a liar nor a hypocrite, I will say nothing more.. Except to a particular somebody, a somebody who will forever take up a seat nestled safely in my heart.. These words are immortal to me and may cause a lot of raised eyebrows but, as that song Matt wrote for me said; I can tirelessly wait.
Yes, I might just have signaled suicide for myself but I don't really care anymore. When you come from a hurt like this, the only thing you really ever worry about is defining what you thought you already lost and from where I'm sitting, that somebody will always define for me true love. Love that yes, seems blind and unglued and oftentimes too much but you see, my take on all of this, is the way doctors treat their patients. It was from watching Grey's Anatomy that I fully heard out loud my very explaination for "putting it all out there". During one episode, George attended to a patient who was brought in brain dead and well, technically and clinically, a goner. He wanted to pronounce him dead on the spot but Dr. Bailey wouldn't hear of it, she asked him to do all the necessary procedures given to anyone needing resuscitation and he carried on with exasperation thinking it didn't make sense to do it seeing he was brain dead but then after some profoundness swooped over him, he finally got why Dr. Bailey specifically ordered every routine resuscitory procedure done to the patient. And I quote: "I now know why we have to go through the whole routinary procedure, to be able to tell the patient's family we did everything we could to save him."
And that my friends, is the exact same reason why I give and love the way I do, and why despite everything, I would do nothing differently. It's to be able to tell myself, not as a consolation but as an affirmation that I indeed, gave him, gave them, my all.
Only that can paint everything with sense, and that alone can make the tears and all, worth it.
Monday, June 04, 2007
I Love You and Goodbye
One of the most painful things I've had to live through was losing Michael 8 years ago. We were classmates back in Kindergarten and even when his family left for the States, he & I kept close touch. Over the years, Michael dotted on me like any big brother, and though most of our interaction revolved around letters sent to each other and occasional phone calls, Michael to this day remains one of the very few people who really knows me -and that circle hasn't really gotten much bigger.
After more than 5 years, I saw him again that summer of '99. I don't think I can ever do justice to how those days we spent together made me feel so I'm not even going to try, but I do know this: Those weeks definitely holds an irreplaceable spot in my heart and while it ended in bittersweet fashion, it was in those days that I met myself, all thanks to my angel of a friend.
Towards the end of his stay, Michael told me he came home to see me and tell me he loved me, how he's always loved me. Then he told me he had Brain Cancer. He said in 3 days, he would have to head back to the US to have that one crucial surgery that would either make or take his life. I don't think I prayed as hard as I did on that day of his operation, praying that should God grant me one miracle in my life, I hoped this would be it.
I guess God still owes me a miracle. On June 4, 1999, Michael died in surgery.
I remember how hard the news hit me. I couldn't believe someone as lively and wonderful in every way could be robbed of a future. I think I bawled over the whole thing in just one day and decided for myself that I would need to numb myself because I knew the uncanny pain would just render me insane if I didn't. Good thing I did because 24 days later, my grandmother too, passed away.
That year was a particularly dark one for me. The death of my grandfather 3 years before tops the list of the year-I'd-rather-not-think-back-on but '99 was just as horrible and in certain levels, a lot more harder to get through. It was that year that I saw life for what it really was. Hard and most of the time, down right unfair. I realized that life doesn't get easier, or better for that matter. It's us who should aspire to be better and wield ourselves to become stronger. I realized I owed Michael (and everyone else close to me who have gone on) to give living my very best shot, to honor, not the life he could have had (because knowing Michael, being Up There is more than what he could ask for), but the one that he lived with such effortless kindness and compassion.
It's days of reminiscing about someone I have lost forever that I am reminded of the people I have lost but are still very much at an arm's length. People who have exited my life for different reasons, leaving me keloid-scarred which all came with and from very different hurts. They are those who have hurt me, enough to make me give up on them or those I have hurt, enough to make them give up on me. And I guess it's time to move past all the hurts, suck all the poison out and start living the life I foolishly allowed hurt and pain to take over of in all these years. It's time to get cracking on the What's Here Now and on What's Coming Soon than the What if's and the What Could Have Beens.
It's high time to forgiven myself and all those who have come in my life who taught me that love and friendship really does go hand in hand with pain. I have accepted and now I am going to deal. With all of it.
Today is Monday, the 4th of June and apart from this headache (and cough and colds and fever), there is nothing in my life I can really complain about. There are next to intolerable days but there are just far too amazing things in my life that can peel me away from celebrating. Celebrating the 21 colorful years I have had.. Celebrating the years I know will be just as colorful and, Celebrating the people who are, have and I hope to have continuously paint my life with the colors each of them represent. People who have given me every reason to wake up feeling blessed to be alive. People who continues to inspire me just for their very being, existence and the legacy they have left in my life with the most indelible kind of mark. People like my Mother, my best friend Coni, my Grandparents. People like Michael.
Today isn't just about Michael's death, but rejoicing the 8th year he has reunited with the One who loves him the most, and took him out of his misery (from his tumor) to experience the grand life only an angel, deserves. He, after all, deserved it more than anyone else.
And so, to Michael, to the one who's always made my heart smile and sing, Thank you. For Everything. I don't think I can ever fully transcribe how much you mean to me but I'll give it a shot and just say, I Love You.
Let me now share something I found in one of my journals, from circa 1999, written months after he died. He was one of the very few I allowed to have access in my journals; he always encouraged my writing. Even with my not-so-polished grammar back then, he always saw right through me and my words."It's your heart that makes your works so good, it has so much soul", he once said.
A poem for someone who was more than a friend, more than a brother.. Michael was my insides, the force that has kept me together all those years and now that I think back on the years he has blessed my life with his mere presence, I remember one of the very last things he told me before he left; "I'll be okay, I'll be back and who knows, after all this, I might be able to take care of you more".
And I know he's doing just that.
After more than 5 years, I saw him again that summer of '99. I don't think I can ever do justice to how those days we spent together made me feel so I'm not even going to try, but I do know this: Those weeks definitely holds an irreplaceable spot in my heart and while it ended in bittersweet fashion, it was in those days that I met myself, all thanks to my angel of a friend.
Towards the end of his stay, Michael told me he came home to see me and tell me he loved me, how he's always loved me. Then he told me he had Brain Cancer. He said in 3 days, he would have to head back to the US to have that one crucial surgery that would either make or take his life. I don't think I prayed as hard as I did on that day of his operation, praying that should God grant me one miracle in my life, I hoped this would be it.
I guess God still owes me a miracle. On June 4, 1999, Michael died in surgery.
I remember how hard the news hit me. I couldn't believe someone as lively and wonderful in every way could be robbed of a future. I think I bawled over the whole thing in just one day and decided for myself that I would need to numb myself because I knew the uncanny pain would just render me insane if I didn't. Good thing I did because 24 days later, my grandmother too, passed away.
That year was a particularly dark one for me. The death of my grandfather 3 years before tops the list of the year-I'd-rather-not-think-back-on but '99 was just as horrible and in certain levels, a lot more harder to get through. It was that year that I saw life for what it really was. Hard and most of the time, down right unfair. I realized that life doesn't get easier, or better for that matter. It's us who should aspire to be better and wield ourselves to become stronger. I realized I owed Michael (and everyone else close to me who have gone on) to give living my very best shot, to honor, not the life he could have had (because knowing Michael, being Up There is more than what he could ask for), but the one that he lived with such effortless kindness and compassion.
It's days of reminiscing about someone I have lost forever that I am reminded of the people I have lost but are still very much at an arm's length. People who have exited my life for different reasons, leaving me keloid-scarred which all came with and from very different hurts. They are those who have hurt me, enough to make me give up on them or those I have hurt, enough to make them give up on me. And I guess it's time to move past all the hurts, suck all the poison out and start living the life I foolishly allowed hurt and pain to take over of in all these years. It's time to get cracking on the What's Here Now and on What's Coming Soon than the What if's and the What Could Have Beens.
It's high time to forgiven myself and all those who have come in my life who taught me that love and friendship really does go hand in hand with pain. I have accepted and now I am going to deal. With all of it.
Today is Monday, the 4th of June and apart from this headache (and cough and colds and fever), there is nothing in my life I can really complain about. There are next to intolerable days but there are just far too amazing things in my life that can peel me away from celebrating. Celebrating the 21 colorful years I have had.. Celebrating the years I know will be just as colorful and, Celebrating the people who are, have and I hope to have continuously paint my life with the colors each of them represent. People who have given me every reason to wake up feeling blessed to be alive. People who continues to inspire me just for their very being, existence and the legacy they have left in my life with the most indelible kind of mark. People like my Mother, my best friend Coni, my Grandparents. People like Michael.
Today isn't just about Michael's death, but rejoicing the 8th year he has reunited with the One who loves him the most, and took him out of his misery (from his tumor) to experience the grand life only an angel, deserves. He, after all, deserved it more than anyone else.
And so, to Michael, to the one who's always made my heart smile and sing, Thank you. For Everything. I don't think I can ever fully transcribe how much you mean to me but I'll give it a shot and just say, I Love You.
Let me now share something I found in one of my journals, from circa 1999, written months after he died. He was one of the very few I allowed to have access in my journals; he always encouraged my writing. Even with my not-so-polished grammar back then, he always saw right through me and my words."It's your heart that makes your works so good, it has so much soul", he once said.
A poem for someone who was more than a friend, more than a brother.. Michael was my insides, the force that has kept me together all those years and now that I think back on the years he has blessed my life with his mere presence, I remember one of the very last things he told me before he left; "I'll be okay, I'll be back and who knows, after all this, I might be able to take care of you more".
And I know he's doing just that.
I Love You and Goodbye
I knew you all my life but I didn't really care
You loved me all the way I know I haven't been fair
And as you lie there, just waiting for your time to die
All I can do is stand here and watch you as I cry
I have been so heartless, so selfish and so vain
Yet you took care of me, so why are you in pain?
Why are you the one who's hurt? Why couldn't it be me?
Why did God had to let you suffer? Really can't he see?
That i'm the one with all the faults, I'm the one who's wrong
And on that bed of sorrow and death, it is I who really belong
But nothing else can be done now, this is how our fate's to be
I'm to live my life alone, while you're headed to eternity
And as you breathe your last breath..
I cannot help but cry
I never said I loved you
But now I must say Goodbye.
I knew you all my life but I didn't really care
You loved me all the way I know I haven't been fair
And as you lie there, just waiting for your time to die
All I can do is stand here and watch you as I cry
I have been so heartless, so selfish and so vain
Yet you took care of me, so why are you in pain?
Why are you the one who's hurt? Why couldn't it be me?
Why did God had to let you suffer? Really can't he see?
That i'm the one with all the faults, I'm the one who's wrong
And on that bed of sorrow and death, it is I who really belong
But nothing else can be done now, this is how our fate's to be
I'm to live my life alone, while you're headed to eternity
And as you breathe your last breath..
I cannot help but cry
I never said I loved you
But now I must say Goodbye.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Fight or Flight
You can blame it on Grey's Anatomy, a show I am addicted to right now and a show that has provided me a daily dose of (too much) blood, gore -not to mention, surgeries ending in deaths than I could handle or you can blame it on the fact that I have always been, how do I call it, familiar with this but it's only now that I'm fully recognizing it for what it is and what it means to me. It's been my very own cayote chasing me through my entire life like you all wouldn't believe, it has never really left me alone and I daresay I have never fully recovered.
Death is the ending we all share, and all these years of mourning have taught me it really isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Because if that was the case, then what do you call the existence of those who are alive but aren't really living?
I have faced death more times than I would like to remember, there isn't anything profound about that either because from experience, you mostly go on autopilot after the fifth. If you're lucky, you might still recognize pain from stomach cramp but it doesn't do anything for you other than add another reason to mourn or grieve or wallow and pine. Not until you're ready to face the world then by all means, mourn and grieve and wallow and pine all you want. But then there's business to take care of -a business called Your Life.
More than anything, my nearly 20 years of bout with death has given me quite a different perspective on Living, Dying and everything else in between. Death, as I said, is not the worst thing that can happen to a person, it might be for those he leaves behind but to a well-oiled mind, it is but another journey. But when a life is lived in such meaningless designs, when otherwise healthy lives are put on the line from something as petty as a love squabble gone awry, it makes me question myself, what in the world has been going on with people?
In just this past month, three of my friends have attempted ending their lives. One actually succeeded. Their reasons are unknown to me and quite frankly, I don't want to know because whether or not I would like to admit it, I am deeply shaken by this whole concept of suicide. Mainly because so many people in my life have gone on, either from illness or ill-handed fate. Fate that has caused many hearts to break from such terrible loss, the fate that allowed so many good people to pass on.. And all the while, it's that same fate that was and still is constantly toyed and challenged with by others who think the world would be better off without them. It's unfair for one to exit this life without so much a choice and just for some other to trash it away like it doesn't even matter.
I do not mean to offend anyone, I'm not sorry for sharing this because these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. It comes off that I'm basically judging those who have tried commiting the act, but I'm not. I said it once and I'll say it again, I don't understand why people do it, ergo I don't have the right to judge. I do however have the right to state my opinion and as you go along, I hope your minds continue to be open.
Since I was 14 until about 2 years ago, 4 close friends have died in succession from freak accidents. Accidents they weren't supposed to be in, accidents that didn't deserve to cut their young lives short -they were all healthy and vibrant whose only fault was to be at the wrong place at wrong time. For most of their deaths, I numbed myself from the pain. I had to, I figured because I was in enough agony dealing with all the other people I have lost before them and I didn't really know how I'd do if I allowed myself to feel but then when so much hurt has been bottling up inside you, one way or the other you're bound to release. You're bound to give in and you're bound to explode and I guess that was evident in the ridiculous amount of tears that have poured out of me in the last 4 months. Couple that with all the crap and sh|t I had to deal with and well, you can pretty much say I was a wreck for most of was has been of 2007.
I don't get a lot of things but if there's one that's a bit on top there, it's how one can inflict damage to oneself. Yes the world is cruel, yes the world is this plethora of all things bad but will things change if you end your life? I don't claim to understand the innerworkings of some people's brains but it just feels so unfair for some people to die without so much of a choice while some irresponsibly decides to take theirs just because they can't stand it anymore. I mean come on, there has got to be so much more people suffering out there but you don't see them hanging themselves. They resort to crying on end, making excessive phone calls for closure or what not, to cussing, to throwing things, ending marriages, relationships, moving out, shutting off other people and the like. Some resort to anger and bitterness and waddle in self pity and most of these people end up looking next to crap but they get on with life, they deal and however we all judge them, they survive the threat of the knife in their hands.
There was once in my life that I felt I couldn't stand it anymore, it was the most painful 60 seconds of my life. I was on the floor, clutching on the phone while my other hand was covering my eyes. My head was throbbing like crazy, my stomach was in a knot and my eyes stung as tears kept gushing out. I was for a moment, thinking about being somewhere else, where there wouldn't be anymore pain, where the tears would finally stop. I had a mirror infront of me and when I saw myself literally looking like hell, I decided to cry more, I actually forced myself to cry harder. I stayed lying on the carpet floor for the next 8 hours and though the pain didn't go away, nor did the longing for that more-peaceful-place flee, I think I did good. I'm glad for going through what I did doing what I did. I can't say that's the right thing for anyone else but it was for me. The pain's still there and they pretty much comes in waves. Big ones, very close together almost always knocking me to shore unconscious but in the light of what I have seen in those around me, this should be enough to keep me standing, I may wobble here and there as I walk but at least I've mustered up the will to keep moving.
But no matter how I have overcome my demons, there are those who unfortunately, didn't do very well. I now think back and wonder, why? What must have gone in their heads for even trying? Is this how they truly want their lives to end? And as I think of my friends, I can't help but think, was there anything I could have done? Being so far away and not being able to there for any of them have put a huge cloud over my head but I guess that was a choice that they made along with ending their lives. They chose to not seek help, they chose to shut everyone out of their lives believing they knew what was best.. They chose to get suckered in that rut of a feeling that left them hopeless at ever being happy again. They chose to walk the path alone. They say in life there are always two roads to take. One is easy and it's only reward is that it's easy. And I guess we all know which road they chose.. And why they did what they did, I don't know.
I guess none of us will ever know, or understand.
This is where I think our conscience comes to play. It is our conscience that dictates to us the choices we make which I think, defines and shows us who we really are. It can spring from simple choices of waking up early, eating right, to not talk behind people's back, to standing up for what you want, fighting for those you love, to choosing to keep your unwanted baby and more importantly, choosing to live. nd it seems an impossible choice to make but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. In this great scheme of life, death and everything in between, it's not so much of what we've done that counts, but what we have chosen to become. Are we going to face it, run or are we going to quit? Quite usually, it's always a choice between Fight or Flight. And it seems an impossible choice especially with the unsurmountable pain you might be going through, but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. I know we have all been at that wreched point where pain was uncannily insufferable but seeing you're reading this; what made you choose the other road?
What made you fight?
Death is the ending we all share, and all these years of mourning have taught me it really isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Because if that was the case, then what do you call the existence of those who are alive but aren't really living?
I have faced death more times than I would like to remember, there isn't anything profound about that either because from experience, you mostly go on autopilot after the fifth. If you're lucky, you might still recognize pain from stomach cramp but it doesn't do anything for you other than add another reason to mourn or grieve or wallow and pine. Not until you're ready to face the world then by all means, mourn and grieve and wallow and pine all you want. But then there's business to take care of -a business called Your Life.
More than anything, my nearly 20 years of bout with death has given me quite a different perspective on Living, Dying and everything else in between. Death, as I said, is not the worst thing that can happen to a person, it might be for those he leaves behind but to a well-oiled mind, it is but another journey. But when a life is lived in such meaningless designs, when otherwise healthy lives are put on the line from something as petty as a love squabble gone awry, it makes me question myself, what in the world has been going on with people?
In just this past month, three of my friends have attempted ending their lives. One actually succeeded. Their reasons are unknown to me and quite frankly, I don't want to know because whether or not I would like to admit it, I am deeply shaken by this whole concept of suicide. Mainly because so many people in my life have gone on, either from illness or ill-handed fate. Fate that has caused many hearts to break from such terrible loss, the fate that allowed so many good people to pass on.. And all the while, it's that same fate that was and still is constantly toyed and challenged with by others who think the world would be better off without them. It's unfair for one to exit this life without so much a choice and just for some other to trash it away like it doesn't even matter.
I do not mean to offend anyone, I'm not sorry for sharing this because these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. It comes off that I'm basically judging those who have tried commiting the act, but I'm not. I said it once and I'll say it again, I don't understand why people do it, ergo I don't have the right to judge. I do however have the right to state my opinion and as you go along, I hope your minds continue to be open.
Since I was 14 until about 2 years ago, 4 close friends have died in succession from freak accidents. Accidents they weren't supposed to be in, accidents that didn't deserve to cut their young lives short -they were all healthy and vibrant whose only fault was to be at the wrong place at wrong time. For most of their deaths, I numbed myself from the pain. I had to, I figured because I was in enough agony dealing with all the other people I have lost before them and I didn't really know how I'd do if I allowed myself to feel but then when so much hurt has been bottling up inside you, one way or the other you're bound to release. You're bound to give in and you're bound to explode and I guess that was evident in the ridiculous amount of tears that have poured out of me in the last 4 months. Couple that with all the crap and sh|t I had to deal with and well, you can pretty much say I was a wreck for most of was has been of 2007.
I don't get a lot of things but if there's one that's a bit on top there, it's how one can inflict damage to oneself. Yes the world is cruel, yes the world is this plethora of all things bad but will things change if you end your life? I don't claim to understand the innerworkings of some people's brains but it just feels so unfair for some people to die without so much of a choice while some irresponsibly decides to take theirs just because they can't stand it anymore. I mean come on, there has got to be so much more people suffering out there but you don't see them hanging themselves. They resort to crying on end, making excessive phone calls for closure or what not, to cussing, to throwing things, ending marriages, relationships, moving out, shutting off other people and the like. Some resort to anger and bitterness and waddle in self pity and most of these people end up looking next to crap but they get on with life, they deal and however we all judge them, they survive the threat of the knife in their hands.
There was once in my life that I felt I couldn't stand it anymore, it was the most painful 60 seconds of my life. I was on the floor, clutching on the phone while my other hand was covering my eyes. My head was throbbing like crazy, my stomach was in a knot and my eyes stung as tears kept gushing out. I was for a moment, thinking about being somewhere else, where there wouldn't be anymore pain, where the tears would finally stop. I had a mirror infront of me and when I saw myself literally looking like hell, I decided to cry more, I actually forced myself to cry harder. I stayed lying on the carpet floor for the next 8 hours and though the pain didn't go away, nor did the longing for that more-peaceful-place flee, I think I did good. I'm glad for going through what I did doing what I did. I can't say that's the right thing for anyone else but it was for me. The pain's still there and they pretty much comes in waves. Big ones, very close together almost always knocking me to shore unconscious but in the light of what I have seen in those around me, this should be enough to keep me standing, I may wobble here and there as I walk but at least I've mustered up the will to keep moving.
But no matter how I have overcome my demons, there are those who unfortunately, didn't do very well. I now think back and wonder, why? What must have gone in their heads for even trying? Is this how they truly want their lives to end? And as I think of my friends, I can't help but think, was there anything I could have done? Being so far away and not being able to there for any of them have put a huge cloud over my head but I guess that was a choice that they made along with ending their lives. They chose to not seek help, they chose to shut everyone out of their lives believing they knew what was best.. They chose to get suckered in that rut of a feeling that left them hopeless at ever being happy again. They chose to walk the path alone. They say in life there are always two roads to take. One is easy and it's only reward is that it's easy. And I guess we all know which road they chose.. And why they did what they did, I don't know.
I guess none of us will ever know, or understand.
This is where I think our conscience comes to play. It is our conscience that dictates to us the choices we make which I think, defines and shows us who we really are. It can spring from simple choices of waking up early, eating right, to not talk behind people's back, to standing up for what you want, fighting for those you love, to choosing to keep your unwanted baby and more importantly, choosing to live. nd it seems an impossible choice to make but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. In this great scheme of life, death and everything in between, it's not so much of what we've done that counts, but what we have chosen to become. Are we going to face it, run or are we going to quit? Quite usually, it's always a choice between Fight or Flight. And it seems an impossible choice especially with the unsurmountable pain you might be going through, but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. I know we have all been at that wreched point where pain was uncannily insufferable but seeing you're reading this; what made you choose the other road?
What made you fight?
Friday, May 25, 2007
Brand New
Hair cuts were always my way of release. Of letting go, of moving on and of saying goodbye. I think this dates back to when my grandfather died 11 years ago and it has been customary for me to change up my hair every time my I was going through something major. Break ups, deaths, overcoming disappointments and the amount of hair chopped off is usually a give-away of how much I'm going, getting or trying to get through. Well yesterday, I had my hair cut.
And while this would ordinarily be a shoe-in with the getting-over-everything category, I think it's far more than getting over things, I think I may have landed a good enough concrete as I walk towards healing. And by healing I mean gradual change; the wound is still there, still quite prone to infection when treated carelessly and still pretty much hurts. The road seems fine from here but I have learned from bitter (and recent) experience that even that can be as arbitrary as the weather and I am in no means letting my guard down, what with those bumpy roads ahead? No way. But I guess now, I'm just buckling up and paying more attention to it than I used to. The road ahead is as deceiving as the horizon, as picturesque as it seems, nothing guarantees your journey to be free from rain, bumps, dead ends and all those other extra spice thrown in to make it a tad bit more of an adventure.
If there's anything that my newly-whittled down hair has done, or rather signaled, it's that I am (finally) embracing the idiosyncratic changes that has been looming over my head, life (and hair) for the past couple of months. I have been fighting the the hurt and the pain all this time thinking it was the best way to wield the situation but it just keeps creeping back to me in gigantic waves very close together as though splashing and knocking me down unconscious. I am deciding to keep moving but letting everything be. Am I making sense? This might help you a bit;
Alice: Can you please show me which way to go?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a great deal on where you want to go
Alice: Oh I don't care really, just as long as I get somewhere
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go
Nothing? Hmmn, okay. Let me explain.
For a long time, I was pretty much like Alice, I knew I had so many things I wanted to do, go and see but I have forgotten why and what I was moving on for. All these years I have always driven myself to achieving every single thing I have envisioned myself of doing, and I have. But then now I think it's time I couple that determination with the proper vision. I don't want to feed just my mind anymore, high time I take care of my soul and my soul is yearning for some serious cultivation. So I proposed to myself to get back on track without trying to fix what has happened because at this point, there really is nothing I can do but believe that it will eventually work itself out and I can not allow myself to just sit around watching it "unfold". I am literally picking myself up from that hard thud of a fall, dusting myself and propping myself steady to take yet another step in this journey. I think this will liberate me better, seeing that I have set everything free. I have allowed myself to feel plenty of sad, hurt and all the congested anger? Gone. Free. Au Revoir.
I am letting it all go now and leaving everything the way it was before my world went awry. What's happened has happened, no sense digging it all up and turning it mor into a gordian knot than it already is. Besides, no matter what has happened and no matter how much I deserve to harbor anymore ill-feelings, nakakapagod narin magalit (being mad is exhausting). This anger-business just isn't for me. I have given myself the closure I always thought I needed to get from someone else, I am moving on and if I do look back at all, believe me, it's only to smile back at what has happened because really, so much are going to come out of this, I can just feel it. And since I have never believed that goodbyes always mean the end, along with the chains clamping still the bitter feelings, I am once again unlocking another door. A door I intend to keep open for whatever or whoever may wish to enter; sunshine, daisies & all.
I have never so much as hated anyone and I don't want to start now. It's exhausting and quite pointless, really. And well, I guess it also helps that I truly poured my heart into everything that was my life and it's really not much of a breeze to just chuck it out. Especially if it's one that made your heart beat like no other. I am moving forward, looking onward and though I know I can never go back, I rest on that little thing called Hope (and a dash of Faith) that maybe, those I have let be now, could one day, catch up with me and well, who knows? =)
New hair. New beginning. New reality. New lifestyle. New outlook but.. Same Passions. Same aspirations. Same values. Same indefatigable nature. Same optimism. Same Me.. And the same, same Heart.
The shortest it has been in almost 7 years.
And while this would ordinarily be a shoe-in with the getting-over-everything category, I think it's far more than getting over things, I think I may have landed a good enough concrete as I walk towards healing. And by healing I mean gradual change; the wound is still there, still quite prone to infection when treated carelessly and still pretty much hurts. The road seems fine from here but I have learned from bitter (and recent) experience that even that can be as arbitrary as the weather and I am in no means letting my guard down, what with those bumpy roads ahead? No way. But I guess now, I'm just buckling up and paying more attention to it than I used to. The road ahead is as deceiving as the horizon, as picturesque as it seems, nothing guarantees your journey to be free from rain, bumps, dead ends and all those other extra spice thrown in to make it a tad bit more of an adventure.
If there's anything that my newly-whittled down hair has done, or rather signaled, it's that I am (finally) embracing the idiosyncratic changes that has been looming over my head, life (and hair) for the past couple of months. I have been fighting the the hurt and the pain all this time thinking it was the best way to wield the situation but it just keeps creeping back to me in gigantic waves very close together as though splashing and knocking me down unconscious. I am deciding to keep moving but letting everything be. Am I making sense? This might help you a bit;
Alice: Can you please show me which way to go?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a great deal on where you want to go
Alice: Oh I don't care really, just as long as I get somewhere
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go
Nothing? Hmmn, okay. Let me explain.
For a long time, I was pretty much like Alice, I knew I had so many things I wanted to do, go and see but I have forgotten why and what I was moving on for. All these years I have always driven myself to achieving every single thing I have envisioned myself of doing, and I have. But then now I think it's time I couple that determination with the proper vision. I don't want to feed just my mind anymore, high time I take care of my soul and my soul is yearning for some serious cultivation. So I proposed to myself to get back on track without trying to fix what has happened because at this point, there really is nothing I can do but believe that it will eventually work itself out and I can not allow myself to just sit around watching it "unfold". I am literally picking myself up from that hard thud of a fall, dusting myself and propping myself steady to take yet another step in this journey. I think this will liberate me better, seeing that I have set everything free. I have allowed myself to feel plenty of sad, hurt and all the congested anger? Gone. Free. Au Revoir.
I am letting it all go now and leaving everything the way it was before my world went awry. What's happened has happened, no sense digging it all up and turning it mor into a gordian knot than it already is. Besides, no matter what has happened and no matter how much I deserve to harbor anymore ill-feelings, nakakapagod narin magalit (being mad is exhausting). This anger-business just isn't for me. I have given myself the closure I always thought I needed to get from someone else, I am moving on and if I do look back at all, believe me, it's only to smile back at what has happened because really, so much are going to come out of this, I can just feel it. And since I have never believed that goodbyes always mean the end, along with the chains clamping still the bitter feelings, I am once again unlocking another door. A door I intend to keep open for whatever or whoever may wish to enter; sunshine, daisies & all.
I have never so much as hated anyone and I don't want to start now. It's exhausting and quite pointless, really. And well, I guess it also helps that I truly poured my heart into everything that was my life and it's really not much of a breeze to just chuck it out. Especially if it's one that made your heart beat like no other. I am moving forward, looking onward and though I know I can never go back, I rest on that little thing called Hope (and a dash of Faith) that maybe, those I have let be now, could one day, catch up with me and well, who knows? =)New hair. New beginning. New reality. New lifestyle. New outlook but.. Same Passions. Same aspirations. Same values. Same indefatigable nature. Same optimism. Same Me.. And the same, same Heart.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Fogged. Dazed -you name it, I am feeling it.
Wasn't it Benjamin Mays who said, "The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal, the tragedy lies in having no goal to reach." Well, far be it for me to decipher exactly what he really means, I refuse to believe that having a goal is all that should matter. I mean really, how can it?
In this modern world of corporate ladders emerging everywhere; with a society that practically demands you to make something out of yourself, how can goal-setting be all that? Take a good look around, everything is working in clock-work precision, just the way our society's norms have dictated upon us. And these hard-ball lessons in success aren't just circulated by those up there, power suits and all but it starts being hammered to all of us the minute we are able to comprehend a full sentence. I mean think about it, what is the most iterated thing you've heard from your parents? Let me guess, the "you-need-to-study-well-to-be-successful" speech, right? And in all those years of hearing that over and over again, it seems almost impossible for any of us to stray from "success" but as many tales have been told, there are those who made it and those whom you'd rather not speak of. But how are we to know if we've made it? How are we to affirm in ourselves that we've done what we were supposed to do? How do we know we've succeeded? Is it in the mere act of having a goal to zero at the way Sir Mays eloquently concluded? Is it in giving it your best regardless of the outcome? Is it coming out on top? Or is coming out of it at all good enough?
I don't know. But the more I think about it, the more I feel adrift to everything I once grasped on tightly about success and of myself.
I celebrated my 4th official month here in Newcastle this Monday and it was also that day I realized how in just another 4 months, I will be 22. Good God, where the heck have I been!?! I know time flies wicked fast but this is just insane, everything feels strange and I feel stuck in such a daze. I know this is all but normal but you can't blame a girl for wondering, how on earth did I end up this clueless!?! I have always known what I wanted to be, I was always in control of my life and I never really lost track of what I wanted to make out of myself. I had that feisty confidence even as a kid roaring me on to move forward and get on ahead -I always did. I have never so much bummed in my life and even when those times I was positively unglued, I always knew what was to become of me and all of a sudden, when everything should be looking bright, I feel all the more vagabond. And to cap off this already repulsive phase I'm in, I somehow lost my buoyancy making me look like Pollyanna sans the pig tails and rosy cheeks. It's one of those days when you'd rather lay in bed and think about how you got this screwed up only to realize you're doing exactly what has led you there in the first place: complacency, lackadaisical and just, lethargic. And at this point in my life, I think I have but reached that crossroad where laid before me are two roads presenting very different ends without so much of a tocsin as to where the heck you're headed. And that's precisely what's causing this massive dark of a cloud to hover over me and my used-to-be-cloudless thoughts. But all I see now is black, pitch dark. Black.
Without a doubt, my most frightening moment yet.
In the midst of caps and gowns I see in my friends' sites, I am left counting down the days of my own graduation July next year. While things have been looking up for me lately, what with the offer for final year settled and a mighty good chance at landing a newspaper gig come September for my placement, I am still perplexed as to what will become of me in the next year. The thunderous questions of adulthood rings crystal clear in my ear: What Now?!?
What's next?
Law School?
Start up that business?
Work?
Work where?
Stay in the UK?
Move to the US?
Go back home?
Along with my sanity, my train of thought has flown the coup so before I embarrass myself any further, I'd ask you all to stay tuned for Part II.
In this modern world of corporate ladders emerging everywhere; with a society that practically demands you to make something out of yourself, how can goal-setting be all that? Take a good look around, everything is working in clock-work precision, just the way our society's norms have dictated upon us. And these hard-ball lessons in success aren't just circulated by those up there, power suits and all but it starts being hammered to all of us the minute we are able to comprehend a full sentence. I mean think about it, what is the most iterated thing you've heard from your parents? Let me guess, the "you-need-to-study-well-to-be-successful" speech, right? And in all those years of hearing that over and over again, it seems almost impossible for any of us to stray from "success" but as many tales have been told, there are those who made it and those whom you'd rather not speak of. But how are we to know if we've made it? How are we to affirm in ourselves that we've done what we were supposed to do? How do we know we've succeeded? Is it in the mere act of having a goal to zero at the way Sir Mays eloquently concluded? Is it in giving it your best regardless of the outcome? Is it coming out on top? Or is coming out of it at all good enough?I don't know. But the more I think about it, the more I feel adrift to everything I once grasped on tightly about success and of myself.
I celebrated my 4th official month here in Newcastle this Monday and it was also that day I realized how in just another 4 months, I will be 22. Good God, where the heck have I been!?! I know time flies wicked fast but this is just insane, everything feels strange and I feel stuck in such a daze. I know this is all but normal but you can't blame a girl for wondering, how on earth did I end up this clueless!?! I have always known what I wanted to be, I was always in control of my life and I never really lost track of what I wanted to make out of myself. I had that feisty confidence even as a kid roaring me on to move forward and get on ahead -I always did. I have never so much bummed in my life and even when those times I was positively unglued, I always knew what was to become of me and all of a sudden, when everything should be looking bright, I feel all the more vagabond. And to cap off this already repulsive phase I'm in, I somehow lost my buoyancy making me look like Pollyanna sans the pig tails and rosy cheeks. It's one of those days when you'd rather lay in bed and think about how you got this screwed up only to realize you're doing exactly what has led you there in the first place: complacency, lackadaisical and just, lethargic. And at this point in my life, I think I have but reached that crossroad where laid before me are two roads presenting very different ends without so much of a tocsin as to where the heck you're headed. And that's precisely what's causing this massive dark of a cloud to hover over me and my used-to-be-cloudless thoughts. But all I see now is black, pitch dark. Black.Without a doubt, my most frightening moment yet.
In the midst of caps and gowns I see in my friends' sites, I am left counting down the days of my own graduation July next year. While things have been looking up for me lately, what with the offer for final year settled and a mighty good chance at landing a newspaper gig come September for my placement, I am still perplexed as to what will become of me in the next year. The thunderous questions of adulthood rings crystal clear in my ear: What Now?!?
What's next?
Law School?
Start up that business?
Work?
Work where?
Stay in the UK?
Move to the US?
Go back home?
Along with my sanity, my train of thought has flown the coup so before I embarrass myself any further, I'd ask you all to stay tuned for Part II.
Friday, May 18, 2007
A Touch in our Soul
From Rick Warren
Thanks Jade!
Thanks Jade!
Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't phi lander because you think you are irresistible.
Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.
Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate!
Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.
It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
God is good all the time!
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't phi lander because you think you are irresistible.
Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.
Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate!
Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.
It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
God is good all the time!Thursday, May 17, 2007
The End
I have NEVER done this in my entire life.
Sure I have written tributes to very special friends and yes, family. And there were those occasional gushing over a movie or a book or a hunk I read and saw but I don't think I have ever composed an entry solely for a TV Show. But when something that has affected you in levels you never thought possible, then maybe it is okay to make one.
Anyone who's anyone in my life knows that I LOVE THIS SHOW. I have single-handedly turned 20 of my closest friends into fans and though I don't know what has really made them such converts, I guess it's a safe assumption that it's a show rarely forgettable by anyone who sees it. And no, it just hasn't been my girlfriends who have fallen in love with it but my male friends bought their box sets as well. It is dominated by women (duh) but it is the farthest thing from a chick-show. For one, it's wicked smart, hilarious in every pan of the camera and it's one of those shows that just grows on you. For 7 years, I felt I knew Lorelai and Rory. For 7 years I thought I was part of their world and them in mine. Creepy? No, just really a fan.
My Most Perfect Companion
Set in a storybook Connecticut
From the beginning, this unique mother-daughter team has been growing up together. Lorelai was just Rory's age when she became pregnant and made the tough decision to raise her baby alone. This defiant move, along with Lorelai's fiercely independent nature, caused a rift between her and her extremely proper, patrician, old-money parents, Emily (Kelly Bishop) and Richard (Edward Herrmann). However, Lorelai was forced to reconcile with them when she found herself in desperate need of money for Rory's tuition.
It truly is, an end of an era.
Sure I have written tributes to very special friends and yes, family. And there were those occasional gushing over a movie or a book or a hunk I read and saw but I don't think I have ever composed an entry solely for a TV Show. But when something that has affected you in levels you never thought possible, then maybe it is okay to make one.
People of the World:
Anyone who's anyone in my life knows that I LOVE THIS SHOW. I have single-handedly turned 20 of my closest friends into fans and though I don't know what has really made them such converts, I guess it's a safe assumption that it's a show rarely forgettable by anyone who sees it. And no, it just hasn't been my girlfriends who have fallen in love with it but my male friends bought their box sets as well. It is dominated by women (duh) but it is the farthest thing from a chick-show. For one, it's wicked smart, hilarious in every pan of the camera and it's one of those shows that just grows on you. For 7 years, I felt I knew Lorelai and Rory. For 7 years I thought I was part of their world and them in mine. Creepy? No, just really a fan.
My Most Perfect Companion
Set in a storybook 
From the beginning, this unique mother-daughter team has been growing up together. Lorelai was just Rory's age when she became pregnant and made the tough decision to raise her baby alone. This defiant move, along with Lorelai's fiercely independent nature, caused a rift between her and her extremely proper, patrician, old-money parents, Emily (Kelly Bishop) and Richard (Edward Herrmann). However, Lorelai was forced to reconcile with them when she found herself in desperate need of money for Rory's tuition.At the end of season six, Lorelai's elation over her engagement to diner-owner Luke Danes (Scott Patterson) turned to frustration when he learned of the existence of his 12-year-old daughter, April (Vanessa Marano). Luke asked Lorelai to be patient while he came to terms with this life-changing discovery. After difficult months of giving Luke all the time and space she could, Lorelai delivered a tearful now-or-never ultimatum. Bristling under her emotional demand, Luke let Lorelai walk out of his life. A heartbroken Lorelai took comfort in the arms of her old flame and Rory's father, Christopher Hayden (David Sutcliffe).
Rory also faced a tumultuous year, dropping out of Yale after her dreams of becoming a journalist were dashed by newspaper mogul Mitchum Huntzberger (Gregg Henry), who just happens to be the father of her boyfriend, Logan (Matt Czuchry). Rory's reckless behavior led to an unusual and painful parting of the ways between mother and daughter. After a few months spent organizing DAR events for Emily, Rory realized she belonged back at Yale, and she and Lorelai joyfully reunited. Rory and Logan then faced their toughest challenge when she learned of his infidelity during a brief separation. Unable to forgive him at first, Rory realized her love for
As season seven unfolds, Lorelai and Rory will turn to one another to get through the complications in their respective romances. It may be that Lorelai's relationship with Luke has been irretrievably marred now that she has once again let Christopher come between them. Even so, she and Luke still have to co-exist in tiny, close-knit Stars Hollow with the town's watchful eyes on them and all their charged history. Meanwhile, Rory will attempt to keep her long-distance romance with
GILMORE GIRLS was the first series to make it to air supported by the Family Friendly Forum's script development fund. The strong and loving mother-daughter relationship portrayed in GILMORE GIRLS reflects the growing reality of this new type of American family.
It truly is, an end of an era.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
A lot like Love
Let us always remember that we can only move on if :
We accept the things that we fear,
Learn the things we don't want to know..
and let go of the memories we can't live without.
Learn the things we don't want to know..
and let go of the memories we can't live without.
Butterflies are a lot like Love
It will flutter around, in search for that perfect landing spot, ever so keenly positioning itself to touch down. Going through a maze of its own before it finally decides to take itself down. How long it takes to settle down, we can never tell..
But once it does..Oh the Joy, the Joy, the Jooooy! It's presence ignites you from within and sends you roaring with glee that finally, something this magical has chosen you. And although you are but uncertain of how long you get to keep it, you still wrap yourself with every bit of shudder you feel from the roots of your hair, down your gut to the tips of your toes..
And that's when you allow it to sit.. Allow it to "do its thing", make its mark and almost always, as light and heavenly it touched down on you, it could very well alight you leaving with a massive ton like you wouldn't believe. And when it decides to take yet another flight, there is really nothing more you can do but let it flutter its destined course. You cannot deny it of the other flowers and fields and, hearts, it could land on..
No point in gripping it to stay. It should never be about possession. If you like the moon, you can't just take it down and put it in your basin. It should already be enough having the moonlight shine upon you. It is no one's fault that it has chosen to flee, be gentle with yourself and smile that it happened. Most people live their entire lives without knowing how a magic such as this actually feels like and the fact that you do, even with it leaving you, it is never a waste. It remains a cherished memory you will have for always.
It's one of the most magical and unbelievable things in this world and it should only be enjoyed and rejoiced for! But once in a while, it dawns on us that it simply cannot stay with us. Hence, we let go and we leave it be. Hoping that it has been enough for us having it in our lives when we did. Hoping that everything works for the best. Hoping that one day, we will again be greeted by that amazing touch from heaven to transcend us once again to that sublime place where everything is rosy and red and everyone is glowing like peaches.
The bravest thing we can all really do is Move On. It will not be a pleasant phase but it is the surest and most sensible path to healing. Accepting the facts, no matter how cold and vile and cruel it may be, is the only thing you can really do after going through a loss. It's learning to see things for what they truly are, surrendering to what has happened and embracing its entirety for all it can ever be. It's never going to be easy but it has to be done. Acceptance. Healing. Moving On.. It all needs to be done. And they all have Time as their best ally. Although I don't think that time will make you accept, or heal or move on, I believe it will give you perspective. Perspective to fully gauge what the hell is going on and perspective to find your balance when you feel you're almost tipping to your doom. And it is in these times that we grow, we learn, understand why we loved and why we have to keep living.And more often than not, the best way to keep someone, is to let him go.
Monday, May 14, 2007
May it Never Die
May 14, 2007 saw another Philippine Election. Countless of men and women pledged their commitment to serve and do good for the nation. Far be it for me to harbor pessimism but today saw quite a lot of deaths and you've got to admit that in itself is pretty unsettling. And if anything, it doesn't send such good vibes for the coming term, now does it?
So I've decided that since here and now, it's still Monday (the 14th) and back home the ballots have yet to be counted, I'm taking a moment to pray.
I pray for things to work out the way He intends it to, that no matter how terribly tainted the country and our reputation as a nation has been, may my country's torch burn a bit brighter so that everyone might see how much hope we still have. How much hope the Philippines has. I pray that God call upon every integrity nestled, hopefully, in the beings of those who are running and ultimately so, those who would win. I pray that God strengthens the hearts of every Filipino alive, for it is in these times that trust and pride for our beloved mother country is needed the most. And I pray that God works in all of us, through our hearts to remind us of the magic that lies in Hope. Hope for a progressive country, for a united nation and that we can all still become better people.
Only this can mean a better tomorrow.
And here is the unofficial list of those who could very well be steering my beloved Philippines to well uh, let's all hope it's at least a good one.
Para sa Bayan
(For the Country)
So I've decided that since here and now, it's still Monday (the 14th) and back home the ballots have yet to be counted, I'm taking a moment to pray.
I pray for things to work out the way He intends it to, that no matter how terribly tainted the country and our reputation as a nation has been, may my country's torch burn a bit brighter so that everyone might see how much hope we still have. How much hope the Philippines has. I pray that God call upon every integrity nestled, hopefully, in the beings of those who are running and ultimately so, those who would win. I pray that God strengthens the hearts of every Filipino alive, for it is in these times that trust and pride for our beloved mother country is needed the most. And I pray that God works in all of us, through our hearts to remind us of the magic that lies in Hope. Hope for a progressive country, for a united nation and that we can all still become better people.
Only this can mean a better tomorrow.
And here is the unofficial list of those who could very well be steering my beloved Philippines to well uh, let's all hope it's at least a good one.
Para sa Bayan(For the Country)
As of May 15 2007 2:16:01 AM
Senatorial Race
Senatorial Race
| Escudero, Francis Joseph (Chiz) | 651,709 |
|---|---|
| Legarda, Loren (Loren) | 601,393 |
| Aquino, Benigno Simeon III (Noynoy) | 559,884 |
| Lacson, Panfilo (Ping) | 558,304 |
| Villar, Manuel Jr (Manny) | 526,715 |
| Pangilinan, Francis (Kiko) | 524,322 |
| Cayetano, Allan Peter (Companero) | 460,885 |
| Arroyo, Joker (Joker) | 444,328 |
| Angara, Edgardo (Ed) | 410,541 |
| Honasan, Gregorio (Gringo) | 404,591 |
| Trillanes, Antonio IV (Magdalo) | 397,428 |
| Pimentel, Aquilino III (Koko) | 394,759 |
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Papa's Day
A Peaceful 19th Death Anniversary, Papa.I'm all grown up but I'm still your little Princess.
Wish you were here, I Love You.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Brown Out
The strangest thing happened at my flat just now. The power went out! Strange. I mean it was common back home but here? In Newcastle, England? Brown out?
Wow. Cool.
One minute I was watching a Harry Potter 2 (yes, I never get enough of it) and the next minute I suddenly couldn't hear anything. I checked on the speaker and it was turned off. I checked the outlet, off. Checked the lights, nothing. I raced down and as I began opening my door to check if the hall lights would turn on, I heard a buzzing sound and then quite suddenly my answering machine went off. Ahhh. Power's back.
As I was typing this, I texted my friend, EJ who lives just around the block (literally around the block) and she told me the power went out at their place too. Strange, strange. Oh well at least I have something interesting to share. Hehe.
Wow. Cool.
One minute I was watching a Harry Potter 2 (yes, I never get enough of it) and the next minute I suddenly couldn't hear anything. I checked on the speaker and it was turned off. I checked the outlet, off. Checked the lights, nothing. I raced down and as I began opening my door to check if the hall lights would turn on, I heard a buzzing sound and then quite suddenly my answering machine went off. Ahhh. Power's back.
As I was typing this, I texted my friend, EJ who lives just around the block (literally around the block) and she told me the power went out at their place too. Strange, strange. Oh well at least I have something interesting to share. Hehe.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Ow.
Oh the pain, the pain. THE PAIN.
I hate days like this. And if you're a woman, you better know what I'm talking about. :(
I hate days like this. And if you're a woman, you better know what I'm talking about. :(
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Some things just aren't meant to last
Everybody has a story to tell, a tale of sort to somehow encapsulate who and what they are. It may or may not do their lives justice but still they try, in hopes to uncover what’s beyond the façade, the exterior and to maybe to finally set themselves, free.
Some things just aren’t meant to last.
I have been moving homes for as long as I can remember. Mama worked as a Bank Regional Head that basically turned us into BSP-brats, transferring from a region, an island and a school to another. Of course when you’re between the age of 3 to 6, you don’t really mind anything so long as you had your fine toys to play with but when Mama announced we were moving to Tuguegarao (north of the
Some things just aren’t meant to last.
Some things just aren’t meant to last.
Some things just aren’t meant to last.
Some things just aren’t mean to last.
Some things just aren’t meant to last.
By September of 2005, I was more than happy to do anything other than bum at home. I enrolled at then
Some things aren’t just meant to last.
It’s been only 3 months but I feel like I’ve aged 3 decades with everything that I had to live through here. I never thought living alone was ever going to be a problem for me but it’s just not the same. It’s so much more lonelier, the cold isn't helping and the recent turn of events have made it so much more painful. I’ve always been good with goodbyes but suddenly it’s not so easy anymore, especially when you desperately want to keep things the way they are. I have lived my life fighting. Fighting for people I’ve loved, the things I care about and the life that I had to survive. It hasn’t been easy but I have found this to be the best thing I was good at. I had to fight my loneliness growing up in an empty house, I had to fight my self-pity for being the only kid without a parent on her graduation, I had to fight the stabbing pain of losing 2 fathers and 4 close friends, I had to fight self doubt and the many people egging me on to fail, I had to fight the pain seeing everything I’ve worked so hard for being taken for granted, I had to fight losing sight of trust and friendship, I had to fight the pain of knowing I never was loved by the only man I ever did and I now have to fight this torture of a feeling after realizing that despite everything I have done and everyone I have loved, I am alone.
I have been beating myself thinking how I ended up this way and after that one hard cry some nights ago (and 2 bags of maltesers and 2 liters of pepsi), I finally got it. I have been fighting and fighting and fighting to a point of breaking my own self down but I never really made sure if what I was fighting for had or wanted to be fought for. And to make matters worse, even after mastering the skill of saying goodbye, I never really understood how it was to let go. No wonder I’ve been stumbling over my every step here. My eyes, mind and my heart most of all is still gripping firm of my has-been life. I don’t know what has been keeping me from holding on this much and it’s not like anything wants to be held onto anymore but whatever it is, I’ve got to let it all go now. Never mind if I hurt myself from trying to pry my hands open. I made such a fuss over this whole letting go business that I have missed to acknowledge that it really isn’t as complicated as I’m making it out to be. I’ve known it all along but I never really came close to admitting it but there are times when things have to come to an end just because, hence you let go. And then smile that it happened.
And I've come to realize that, letting go doesn't mean we don't care. It doesn’t mean we shut down but letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves. And that we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible. I now see it not as an obstacle course but a direct path to healing. It comes with learning to see your life for what it is and not as you wish it was. It’s in acknowledging those who’s stayed true to you, forgiving those who have hurt you and believing in yourself despite and inspite of everything.
I still don’t know why I'm in
It’s clear that I haven’t exactly been having a ball of a time here but if anything, amidst the tremendous feelings consuming me right now, I’d have to say this could still be the best thing that's ever happened to me. Despite everything, I have always felt that God’s answers are always wiser than my prayers and that in this cliff he has led me to, I'm just about ready to let go because really, only one of two things could happen; He’d catch me as I fall or teach me how to fly. I may never know why God brought me here and for the first time, I don’t really care. I maybe in hell right now, I can't smile a genuine one and I might still cry every now and then but like everything else in my life so far, some things aren’t meant to last.
This too, shall pass.Tuesday, May 08, 2007
In My Eyes
1. Have a God
2. Be mindful of your choices
3. You don't need to screw up just to learn
4. You can't control anyone other than yourself -so don't.
5. Appreciate what and who you have
6. Love what you do
7. Love yourself
2. Be mindful of your choices
3. You don't need to screw up just to learn
4. You can't control anyone other than yourself -so don't.
5. Appreciate what and who you have
6. Love what you do
7. Love yourself
May 8th
May you always have work for your hands to do
May your pockets hold always a coin or two
May the sun shine bright on your window pane
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain
May the hand of a friend always be near you
May your family fill your heart with gladness too
May peace be within you and may your heart be strong
May you find what you’re seeking wherever you roam
May your days be many and your troubles few
And may all God’s blessings descend upon you
The Happiest of Birthdays, Hal.
Monday, May 07, 2007
All in My Past
Gladys, an AIESEC Alumna, posted this cute thing online last week. It's not a game or anything but it goes like this, someone asks her to answer 5 questions then she answers them, posts it and when someone comments "Interview Me", it's her turn to ask that person 5 different questions (fun to do with to people you actually know, haha) and I tried it on thinking it would be quite a trip and answering her questions really proved to be a trip. Haha. Read on.
1. What do you miss most about the Philippines?
- I've only been here for 3 months but I've realized that.... nothing beats Filipino Food!!! Hands down nothing here substitutes to Sinigang, Kare-Kare, Adobo and all those signiture food can only be cooked the Filipino way (as they call it) as they do back home. I mean sure, we cook those here and there's a Filipino store here to provide us with all the ingredients it's still so different. There's that psyche in you reminding you that you're eating it in a place very different from its "home". I don't know if that makes sense it's just different. Hard as I, we, try nothing is quite like a true home-cooked Pinoy meal..
-Then there's the fact that the Philippines is such a melting pot of every great thing be it variety in food, restaurant, places to go and all those shallow stuff. Everything here closes early so there really isn't much to do for someone who doesn't drink or smoke or party and happens to be used to starting her day well into the afternoon.(hint, hint, hint: ME!).
-Then the people (in general). Siggghhh. Filipinos are just different. English people are relatively warm it's taking a while to get used to their norms here. I'm still not comfortable calling older people by their first names. Haha. My classmates all look at me funny whenever I address my teachers Sir blah blah or Miss so and so. Hahaha. Pretty shallow, I know but I swear, it's the littlest things that I notice.
And end of the day, no matter how cool it is to be independent overseas (as my friend likes to say, No Parental Supervision but then again when did I ever have that, haha), nothing beats Family. And all this family-missing-emotion is annoying cause you remember the time you'd do anything to stay away from them and just hang out with your oh-so-cool-friends?! But nah, it really hits you home when you realize you actually are fending for yourself. You're all alone and that is an eerie, eerie feeling. I mean it was one thing to live alone back home (my mom was always away) but at least then within a car ride, my grandmother was there, my sister was there, my aunts and uncles but here? Nada. I mean there's only 3 of us in my immediate family and we're in different continents, my gosh. Haha. There's no point denying, on top of my list is really, Family. (Hello Family!)
2. Hows the love life goin'? *ehem*
- Let's just put it this way, there's nothing (about that) worth talking about.. anymore.
3. Who's your favorite AIESECer? (JP not included!)
- It'd have to be a toss between Coni and Hal but I guess you already saw that one coming. No surprise there. Haha. The thing is, I really got to know them as individuals and it was really them who made me see what kind of person should lie behind the term AIESECer and that has always meant the most to me. But the more I think about the impact both of them had on me, it's becoming clear that it really does go beyond AIESEC.. How until now, given the miles, it's still them I end up pestering for my every little query, and that has got to mean something, right?
4. Why is ESA the School of Today?
- It's always relative, I think especially if we're talking about something as controversial (haha) as ESA and I mean it's not a Type A school or anything of that league but for me, it really was instrumental to whatever it is that I am now (no matter how trivial "I am" is, haha). I don't really know, maybe it's kinda like AIESEC, it'll take one a long time (and sometimes, never) to decipher and unless you really decide to get into the thick of the action to uncover its almost impenetrable exterior, you'll never really get it. I can't really discuss what it did to me but I can tell you, it zaps you where it counts but only if you'll allow it to. Some takes a chance on it, enrolls and because of such and such, leaves it frustrated but, I actually think it's weird for the tagline to be the "School for Today" because as far as I'm concerned, ESA somehow (in its own unconventional way) made me realize what I wanted out of my future.
5. Doe Joel have bad hair days?
- More days than he'd like to admit. Hahahaha.
**ESA or the Entrepreneurs School of Asia, is the school I attended and represented AIESEC for since September 2005. Mr. Joel Santos is a co-founder of ESA who happens to be an AIESEC Alumnus.
So then after giving me my 5 questions, Gladys asked me to Interview her so I commented back with 5 questions which I'm trying to answer myself. Hahaha. So stay tuned!
1. What do you miss most about the Philippines?
- I've only been here for 3 months but I've realized that.... nothing beats Filipino Food!!! Hands down nothing here substitutes to Sinigang, Kare-Kare, Adobo and all those signiture food can only be cooked the Filipino way (as they call it) as they do back home. I mean sure, we cook those here and there's a Filipino store here to provide us with all the ingredients it's still so different. There's that psyche in you reminding you that you're eating it in a place very different from its "home". I don't know if that makes sense it's just different. Hard as I, we, try nothing is quite like a true home-cooked Pinoy meal..
-Then there's the fact that the Philippines is such a melting pot of every great thing be it variety in food, restaurant, places to go and all those shallow stuff. Everything here closes early so there really isn't much to do for someone who doesn't drink or smoke or party and happens to be used to starting her day well into the afternoon.(hint, hint, hint: ME!).
-Then the people (in general). Siggghhh. Filipinos are just different. English people are relatively warm it's taking a while to get used to their norms here. I'm still not comfortable calling older people by their first names. Haha. My classmates all look at me funny whenever I address my teachers Sir blah blah or Miss so and so. Hahaha. Pretty shallow, I know but I swear, it's the littlest things that I notice.
And end of the day, no matter how cool it is to be independent overseas (as my friend likes to say, No Parental Supervision but then again when did I ever have that, haha), nothing beats Family. And all this family-missing-emotion is annoying cause you remember the time you'd do anything to stay away from them and just hang out with your oh-so-cool-friends?! But nah, it really hits you home when you realize you actually are fending for yourself. You're all alone and that is an eerie, eerie feeling. I mean it was one thing to live alone back home (my mom was always away) but at least then within a car ride, my grandmother was there, my sister was there, my aunts and uncles but here? Nada. I mean there's only 3 of us in my immediate family and we're in different continents, my gosh. Haha. There's no point denying, on top of my list is really, Family. (Hello Family!)
2. Hows the love life goin'? *ehem*
- Let's just put it this way, there's nothing (about that) worth talking about.. anymore.
3. Who's your favorite AIESECer? (JP not included!)
- It'd have to be a toss between Coni and Hal but I guess you already saw that one coming. No surprise there. Haha. The thing is, I really got to know them as individuals and it was really them who made me see what kind of person should lie behind the term AIESECer and that has always meant the most to me. But the more I think about the impact both of them had on me, it's becoming clear that it really does go beyond AIESEC.. How until now, given the miles, it's still them I end up pestering for my every little query, and that has got to mean something, right?
4. Why is ESA the School of Today?
- It's always relative, I think especially if we're talking about something as controversial (haha) as ESA and I mean it's not a Type A school or anything of that league but for me, it really was instrumental to whatever it is that I am now (no matter how trivial "I am" is, haha). I don't really know, maybe it's kinda like AIESEC, it'll take one a long time (and sometimes, never) to decipher and unless you really decide to get into the thick of the action to uncover its almost impenetrable exterior, you'll never really get it. I can't really discuss what it did to me but I can tell you, it zaps you where it counts but only if you'll allow it to. Some takes a chance on it, enrolls and because of such and such, leaves it frustrated but, I actually think it's weird for the tagline to be the "School for Today" because as far as I'm concerned, ESA somehow (in its own unconventional way) made me realize what I wanted out of my future.
5. Doe Joel have bad hair days?
- More days than he'd like to admit. Hahahaha.
**ESA or the Entrepreneurs School of Asia, is the school I attended and represented AIESEC for since September 2005. Mr. Joel Santos is a co-founder of ESA who happens to be an AIESEC Alumnus.
So then after giving me my 5 questions, Gladys asked me to Interview her so I commented back with 5 questions which I'm trying to answer myself. Hahaha. So stay tuned!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Oh My GOoD-ness
While editing my profile at my Multiply account (http://cessieslasahnevaeh.multiply.com), I came across an interesting discovery. I was at the Religion section and there were about 9 choices so naturally, I scrolled down to find mine..
So..
Agnostic. (No)
Atheist. (No)
Buddhist. (No)
Christian. (No)
Hindu. (No)
Jewish. (No)
Muslim. (No)
Sikh. (No)
Other. (Uh..)
HOLD ON A MINUTE THERE!
Where's Catholic? It's easily the largest form of Faith in the world and it's not listed? I kept trying to check if I read the choices wrong but it just wasn't there. So now I'm an "other"? All this time, all this traditions sticking to me like glue and I was just now referred to as an "Other"?! But before I threw anymore fits, I buckled down and that's when it hit me..
Christian.
Catholics are Christians. They're one and the same. Aaaaah. So there are no other branches to Christianity. It's just Christianity. I'm a Christian. I never knew it was all just that simple. All this time I have felt so "detached" from the term Christian because I somehow felt, with everything that was emerging, that it didn't "belong" to me anymore or to my Church but By George, there is only one Church! There is only one Faith. One Christian Faith. And that no matter how many more sectors sprout around the now-mushroomed-term-that-is-Christianity, no one can deny that it's all the same. Wouldn't you know it, it's the same core values, it's the same Bible and look, it's the same God.
So why all the divide?
So..
Agnostic. (No)
Atheist. (No)
Buddhist. (No)
Christian. (No)
Hindu. (No)
Jewish. (No)
Muslim. (No)
Sikh. (No)
Other. (Uh..)
HOLD ON A MINUTE THERE!
Where's Catholic? It's easily the largest form of Faith in the world and it's not listed? I kept trying to check if I read the choices wrong but it just wasn't there. So now I'm an "other"? All this time, all this traditions sticking to me like glue and I was just now referred to as an "Other"?! But before I threw anymore fits, I buckled down and that's when it hit me..
Christian.
Catholics are Christians. They're one and the same. Aaaaah. So there are no other branches to Christianity. It's just Christianity. I'm a Christian. I never knew it was all just that simple. All this time I have felt so "detached" from the term Christian because I somehow felt, with everything that was emerging, that it didn't "belong" to me anymore or to my Church but By George, there is only one Church! There is only one Faith. One Christian Faith. And that no matter how many more sectors sprout around the now-mushroomed-term-that-is-Christianity, no one can deny that it's all the same. Wouldn't you know it, it's the same core values, it's the same Bible and look, it's the same God.
So why all the divide?
Thursday, May 03, 2007
The One
"I'm just always here for you"
I know you are. Even when when I don't think you are, feel you are.. believe you are. I know you're there and I know I don't look it but, I Love You.
Thank you for never, ever, giving up on me.
I know you are. Even when when I don't think you are, feel you are.. believe you are. I know you're there and I know I don't look it but, I Love You.
Thank you for never, ever, giving up on me.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
End of April
You'll know it's time to let go when you don't anymore know what (and why) it was you were holding onto in the first place. Moreso if what you were desperately clinging onto asks nothing more but to be let go of.. It may hurt like hell but that's all you can really do.
And then you say Good-bye.
And then you say Good-bye.
Friday, April 13, 2007
The Rubber has Snapped
When I was a little girl, my grandfather would tell me the surest way to live a happy life was to live it for someone else. He was always so kind and gentle, everybody loved him but not as much as I did. And not long before he died, on one summer night, he read to me a line from a book (I forgot which book though) that I would never forget. "Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle". One because it somehow always reminded me of him and two, I honestly always thought it was the best way to live.
Until now.
I'm not perfect, God knows how many times I've been wrong and I am not even for a second pretending to be one. I can be mean, judgmental, selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, i'm a big nag and I can be impossibly stubborn. I have not lived a perfect life or anything near that. And though I act all confident and self-assured, I am a disaster waiting to happen. All my life I have been masking my fears, putting up a tough exterior and a nonchalant expression on my face almost 24/7. I have taken a liking to this method since I figured this way, I can be nice to people yet won't have to worry about getting too attached and ending hurt once they leave me -which surprisingly always happens.. to me.
I have lost so many people in my life both from death or simply dessertation. I have mastered the art of having too many friends but keeping dear very few ones. I befriended everyone but kept them at an arm's length out of my fear of attachment but this have never ceased me to share myself with others. I am way too talkative to not be an open book to everyone. Ironic, I know. Why open up at all if I don't have intentions of attachment, right? It's because deep down, I know one day, I'll stop the need for shielding and cover up. That someday, I'd find that person who will look at me and take me as I am and for all that I was and could ever be. That one could make me see what I was worth.. And I always believed that once the right person came all my fears would just lull away in the sweet abyss of his embrace.
For more than 2 decades, I have always loved everybody and gave to everybody -no questions asked. That same optimism of love and hope made me the believer that I always was. i fell into this trance of believing that love --and hopefully Happiness, the real kind, would come.
But my usually eternally optimistic disposition has taken a haitus and left me stark naked, bare and cold. Not to mention exacerbated with everything I have had to deal with. I'm exhausted. Exhausted of fighting and trying to give sense into everything just because I can't bear the thought of letting some things go. It's these days that I prove the hardest thing about being in a battle is suiting up only to find out there's nothing left for you to fight for.
And if that wasn't enough, I have had the same tricky and sticky fate with the people I meet, the friends I make.. I think if anything, I have always been a good friend but somehow I always gets sucked into this mess of a game that only plays along the lines of deceit, prejudice and hypocrisy. And always gets me tangled up, pretty bad.
I know I'm lucky to have found for myself friends who have tested out time's wrath on with me and have kept me feeling secured of their love despite the many miles we never seem to run out between us. But then of course there are those who have come into my life and just shatters me good. I've kept reminding myself how everyone comes into your life for a reason (as everything that happens does)but I can't help thinking, what if those people were simply put in my life to hurt me. I don't even wanna go there but from how I have been battered and bruised by people, my thoughts on "the goodness in people" is walking a very thin tight rope right about now.
Today, I have just had enough. I'm tired. Tired of being pushed around, taken for granted, used, mocked.. and tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of making myself forgive people just because it's never been in my nature to hate. It's just not fair. Why is it always me? Why do I always, always do this to myself? Why do I keep loving people even when it's so obvious that I'm just getting f*cked? Why do I subject myself to having my efforts shunned and spat on every single time. Why can't I just let them go and forget about them? I know I do not deserve half the things I have been stormed with lately because if there's anything I know for certain about myself it's that I am and have always been a good person. And although I know no one can ever put a good person down, I'm also just human and this particular girl has just had it.
Pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na masaktan. (I am just so tired. I don't want to get hurt anymore)
As I sit here, alone with enough tears in my eyes to draw me a bath, I wonder.. What happened to all those I have so keenly taken cared of? Where are all those acts of love I have shown to people.. more importantly, where are they? Was life worth living having half the pain I have endured for so many people, troubles I have gotten into for others and those incessant looking-afters and spoiling I've been doing for everyone all my life?!What is it worth now that I find myself alone?! I have never hurt this badly before. Add up all the tears I've shed since Age 0 til about last January and you wouldn't even come close to just how much I've cried in the last 3 months. I have definitely outcried myself because quite frankly, the pain is just way too uncanny. So yea, maybe some people are meant to come into our lives just to screw us up.. and well, at this point, bravo to them I say! They not only screwed me up, they've also ruined my life.
And I'm done. With them. With all of them. Ayoko na. (I don't want this anymore)
Until now.
I'm not perfect, God knows how many times I've been wrong and I am not even for a second pretending to be one. I can be mean, judgmental, selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, i'm a big nag and I can be impossibly stubborn. I have not lived a perfect life or anything near that. And though I act all confident and self-assured, I am a disaster waiting to happen. All my life I have been masking my fears, putting up a tough exterior and a nonchalant expression on my face almost 24/7. I have taken a liking to this method since I figured this way, I can be nice to people yet won't have to worry about getting too attached and ending hurt once they leave me -which surprisingly always happens.. to me.
I have lost so many people in my life both from death or simply dessertation. I have mastered the art of having too many friends but keeping dear very few ones. I befriended everyone but kept them at an arm's length out of my fear of attachment but this have never ceased me to share myself with others. I am way too talkative to not be an open book to everyone. Ironic, I know. Why open up at all if I don't have intentions of attachment, right? It's because deep down, I know one day, I'll stop the need for shielding and cover up. That someday, I'd find that person who will look at me and take me as I am and for all that I was and could ever be. That one could make me see what I was worth.. And I always believed that once the right person came all my fears would just lull away in the sweet abyss of his embrace.
For more than 2 decades, I have always loved everybody and gave to everybody -no questions asked. That same optimism of love and hope made me the believer that I always was. i fell into this trance of believing that love --and hopefully Happiness, the real kind, would come.
But my usually eternally optimistic disposition has taken a haitus and left me stark naked, bare and cold. Not to mention exacerbated with everything I have had to deal with. I'm exhausted. Exhausted of fighting and trying to give sense into everything just because I can't bear the thought of letting some things go. It's these days that I prove the hardest thing about being in a battle is suiting up only to find out there's nothing left for you to fight for.
And if that wasn't enough, I have had the same tricky and sticky fate with the people I meet, the friends I make.. I think if anything, I have always been a good friend but somehow I always gets sucked into this mess of a game that only plays along the lines of deceit, prejudice and hypocrisy. And always gets me tangled up, pretty bad.
I know I'm lucky to have found for myself friends who have tested out time's wrath on with me and have kept me feeling secured of their love despite the many miles we never seem to run out between us. But then of course there are those who have come into my life and just shatters me good. I've kept reminding myself how everyone comes into your life for a reason (as everything that happens does)but I can't help thinking, what if those people were simply put in my life to hurt me. I don't even wanna go there but from how I have been battered and bruised by people, my thoughts on "the goodness in people" is walking a very thin tight rope right about now.
Today, I have just had enough. I'm tired. Tired of being pushed around, taken for granted, used, mocked.. and tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of making myself forgive people just because it's never been in my nature to hate. It's just not fair. Why is it always me? Why do I always, always do this to myself? Why do I keep loving people even when it's so obvious that I'm just getting f*cked? Why do I subject myself to having my efforts shunned and spat on every single time. Why can't I just let them go and forget about them? I know I do not deserve half the things I have been stormed with lately because if there's anything I know for certain about myself it's that I am and have always been a good person. And although I know no one can ever put a good person down, I'm also just human and this particular girl has just had it.
Pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na masaktan. (I am just so tired. I don't want to get hurt anymore)
As I sit here, alone with enough tears in my eyes to draw me a bath, I wonder.. What happened to all those I have so keenly taken cared of? Where are all those acts of love I have shown to people.. more importantly, where are they? Was life worth living having half the pain I have endured for so many people, troubles I have gotten into for others and those incessant looking-afters and spoiling I've been doing for everyone all my life?!What is it worth now that I find myself alone?! I have never hurt this badly before. Add up all the tears I've shed since Age 0 til about last January and you wouldn't even come close to just how much I've cried in the last 3 months. I have definitely outcried myself because quite frankly, the pain is just way too uncanny. So yea, maybe some people are meant to come into our lives just to screw us up.. and well, at this point, bravo to them I say! They not only screwed me up, they've also ruined my life.
And I'm done. With them. With all of them. Ayoko na. (I don't want this anymore)
Monday, March 05, 2007
A Cry for Happiness
Heard mass today and boy did the sermon hit me right in the gut. He called everyone to pray for those with great burdens, that may the spirit of forgiveness and acceptance overcome the hurt and extinguish the anger they feel.Yeeowch.
So okay, I took a moment tonight and thought things over and well, it's not that I'm or was mad, I guess I just had to get it out. I don't know why but it feels good having it out, whether verbally or in black and white.
I got off a conversation with a friend just now and I vented out yet again about the tragedy that is my life right now (hmmmn, poor guy). And I feel bad. At myself for being this crabby and negative and temperamental, to tell you the truth I'm not so happy with myself right now. I do not like how I'm taking and handling all of this and I know I'm trying but I just can't get a grip of myself.. Wow. There it is. Sheeesh. Bet a lotta people would spend hell of a cash just to be able to say that but no, I'm not feeling good about myself or anything like that. I still feel like crap.
I've always been very positive, I'm an eternal optimist as close friends say but I don't know anymore. A super vacuum zapped it right out of me and it's not giving any indication of springing back anywhere near me.
Good God, I just wanna be happy again.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Time for Me
It takes a lot to get me mad, in fact I've never really hated anyone and I'm usually nice. Very nice even. I have always been fond of doing favors from friends and have never really expected anything from anyone. I was raised to believe that if you do good to people only because you think you should, then don't even bother. It's always gotta be something unconsciously intentional.
I see that with my mother. It's happened so many times that I get approached by people who somehow, weirdly enough, recognizes me as "Eden's daughter" (which I am but I just think it's freaky how they figure it out). There had been times that I got so angry at my mom for letting people take advantage of her and it's usually because of money. You can't believe how many people have tried swindling her and being a genuinely giving person that she is, she lets them off and takes them right back in. And I'd like to think that I'm somehow the same. I never really believed in keeping grudges primarily because I think it's a pure waste of time, energy and effort. I've let people deal with their consciences and kept mine clean. I have been wronged many a times before but I've never resorted to retaliation or keeping grudges. I forgive, I forget and I move on. But I guess everyone gets there, that end point where you just want to burst and punch whatever is in your way.
I think I may very well be on the verge of that and it freaking sucks!
I don't know when it started, or make that how it started. See I've almost always been nonchalant about it and about everything that concerns this particular issue but I think I've just had it. I think I'm finally ready to throw in the towel and go, "oh well, I tried and now I'm tired". And believe me, you do not want me saying that or have that even crossing my mind because when I say that's it, that is really it.
I'm unimaginably upset. Upset at being judged, blamed, picked on, taken for granted and pushed around. Nobody deserves that and I honestly think I am not half that bad to be treated as such. I have been good and I have lived a good, decent, honest life and I think the last thing I need is for someone to spit on what I have been working to make good. For crying out loud, enough already! Aren't I far away enough?!
I'm trying to keep my composure despite all of this but it seems intolerable. Why do some people love finding faults in others -me especially? And not caring to check how foul they really look. Don't think I'm a hypocrite because I have had my stumbles, had had my array of mistakes and problems to deal with in the past but at least I don't make life hell for someone just because "I don't like her".
I at least can go to bed at night knowing I'm not responsible for someone's self doubt and tears.
But yea, this is just another water under my very unstable bridge and I am better than this and all of them creeps combined but just once, just once I'd like to feel dauntless and unafraid. I guess this isn't anyone's fight but mine. It's true what they say, you can never control how people are going to look at you, you can never control how they think of you and how much they judge you but you can however control how you will react and how you're going to deal with them. It's not going to be easy but I guess they don't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me beaten by then. I'm made of tougher stuff and I refuse to stoop to their level or worse, back down.
I know who I am, I'm sure of what I'm about and from now on, I'm going to be my kindest self to the person who deserves it the most..
Me.
I see that with my mother. It's happened so many times that I get approached by people who somehow, weirdly enough, recognizes me as "Eden's daughter" (which I am but I just think it's freaky how they figure it out). There had been times that I got so angry at my mom for letting people take advantage of her and it's usually because of money. You can't believe how many people have tried swindling her and being a genuinely giving person that she is, she lets them off and takes them right back in. And I'd like to think that I'm somehow the same. I never really believed in keeping grudges primarily because I think it's a pure waste of time, energy and effort. I've let people deal with their consciences and kept mine clean. I have been wronged many a times before but I've never resorted to retaliation or keeping grudges. I forgive, I forget and I move on. But I guess everyone gets there, that end point where you just want to burst and punch whatever is in your way.
I think I may very well be on the verge of that and it freaking sucks!
I don't know when it started, or make that how it started. See I've almost always been nonchalant about it and about everything that concerns this particular issue but I think I've just had it. I think I'm finally ready to throw in the towel and go, "oh well, I tried and now I'm tired". And believe me, you do not want me saying that or have that even crossing my mind because when I say that's it, that is really it.
I'm unimaginably upset. Upset at being judged, blamed, picked on, taken for granted and pushed around. Nobody deserves that and I honestly think I am not half that bad to be treated as such. I have been good and I have lived a good, decent, honest life and I think the last thing I need is for someone to spit on what I have been working to make good. For crying out loud, enough already! Aren't I far away enough?!
I'm trying to keep my composure despite all of this but it seems intolerable. Why do some people love finding faults in others -me especially? And not caring to check how foul they really look. Don't think I'm a hypocrite because I have had my stumbles, had had my array of mistakes and problems to deal with in the past but at least I don't make life hell for someone just because "I don't like her".
I at least can go to bed at night knowing I'm not responsible for someone's self doubt and tears.
But yea, this is just another water under my very unstable bridge and I am better than this and all of them creeps combined but just once, just once I'd like to feel dauntless and unafraid. I guess this isn't anyone's fight but mine. It's true what they say, you can never control how people are going to look at you, you can never control how they think of you and how much they judge you but you can however control how you will react and how you're going to deal with them. It's not going to be easy but I guess they don't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me beaten by then. I'm made of tougher stuff and I refuse to stoop to their level or worse, back down.
I know who I am, I'm sure of what I'm about and from now on, I'm going to be my kindest self to the person who deserves it the most..
Me.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Just Fine
Today marks my 40th day here in Newcastle. I don't think I'll ever truly adapt to the "UK life" but I think I've somehow adjusted. I came here without any form of expectation, much less any knowledge of what was to come. All I knew was that I'd have to be one of those blessed people to have the kind of opportunity I'm savoring right now.
Not everyone is given this chance, I know. My friends and family from back home never get tired of reminding me that and I think that's something I have always known and continue to be thankful for. The events that led to today has been the farthest thing from a walk in the park. I have had quite a journey and the story leading up to me sitting here in Flat 30 in 19 Pudding Chare has been nothing but extraordinary. From plans gone wrong, bouts with the high and mighty immigration people, to my incredulously hasty exit that left everyone back home, stunned. It's a meat to a broadway production which I'm sure will score a not too shabby review, if I do say so myself. And no matter how I try to look back, trace and retrace everything that has materialized, I can't help but think that hey, I might just be destined to be here.
I know I've said that once here but it's only now that it's starting to really sink in. It could be that I needed a whole lot of time to adjust and familiarize myself with the life I now have. I know my way around town now, I have shopped (did lots of that), ran errands all by myself. I'm starting to get a feel of it all and somehow things are finally falling into place. With my flat now ready for occupancy (still leeching here at EJ's though, hehe) and people I'm starting to get really close to, Newcastle doesn't seem such a lonely place anymore. And while it's nothing like Manila, I guess it's not so bad.
Yes, I would have to admit that I don't hate this place anymore and while I still cry myself to sleep every night, it's now brought about by just pure nostalgia coupled with being homesick but not so much of resentment anymore. And I like this feeling.
But having said that, while all is well and chipper here, I am still haunted as to the proverbial quetion Why. Why oh why am I here? What am I doing here? Why am I not sweating it out like everyone back home is? Why aren't I in the place I have been longing to set foot on the minute I boarded that plane? I have been contemplating hard on the reason and have been desperately figuring it out but I've decided to stop. I'm letting it be and I'm letting my life run the course it's destined to all along.
I can't say that everything is great, because it's not. I can't say that I will stop crying, because I won't. I can't say that I'd rather be here than home, because I don't. But I also cannot say that I don't want this, because I do.
I really, really do.
It certainly isn't what I imagined it to be but I now know that it doesn't mean this isn't what's best for me. I am here for a purpose, a purpose I have yet to find out and along that path of discovery, I know I have to learn to bask in every single detail of my Newcastle Life. A life that I was blessed with and a life I should not dare take for granted.
And what about the lonely nights and unbearable cold? I take my cue from my late Father.
See I never once prayed to him. I never called onto him, he died when I was 2 and even in prayer, I never thought I could rely on him. He was just never there. But over the last few days with everything was just going crazy here, I tried it out. I tried calling onto my Papa, a man I share a birthday with and I'm supposed to be most alike with. I guess my prayer worked because not very long after, I woke up crying after a dream with him imparting to me the single best advice I think I've ever, ever had in my entire life.
We were supposed to be in our ancestral house in our home province of Aklan, Philippines when I got up, strolled into the kitchen where I could smell the aroma of Bulalo, a native Filipino dish that happens to be his specialty. I sat down and he poured me a bowl of its soup. I knew it was good and I also knew it was going to be hot. As I was playing with the soup, trying to cool it down with my stirring powers, my Papa sat down, took the bowl away from me and placed it infront of him and said, "Don't play with it. It's still hot. Blow it a bit, then let it stay to cool and when it's cool, you'll see. You'll be ready to enjoy it."
Now I know that might seem to be one of those ordinary dreams that probably means nothing to the untrained mind but in my book, that was my father telling me not to live life the hasty way I have been living, telling me not to play. It was his way of reminding me that life is hard (in referrence to the dish, it was hot) and that I should just let things be because it will cool down in its own time and once it's ready, once the time's set, I can finally enjoy it. I don't know if that it meant but I do know that I my life isn't going to be any easier but then again, so?
So what if my classes are ridiculously lame, so what if I'm still unsure of what I want in life, so what if most if not all of my plans are slowly dissintegrating and so what if I'm oceans and oceans away from the man I love.. I know all of this will one day, make sense. And if that's not something to look forward to, I don't know what else is.
As I type this, Taylor Hicks is providing me with entertainment as he belts out his euphoric "Do I make you proud" and as I listen to the lines of the song, I am flooded with so much memories. Of the long talks my mom and I had upon making the decision of my departure. The meltdowns I've been having every so often since I got here and the usual procrastination of a better life in the Philippines, just for me. But then I Taylor sings, "this is what we dreamed about but the only question with me now is do I make you proud".. I stare out the window and realize that however my life may be right now, it's not for me to say whether or not I've lived well. I can only do so much and I can only do my damndest but end of it all, I'm but human and the one I am living my life for is Up There, beaming and smiling at me.. Signifying, reassuring that it's all going to be fine.
Just fine.
Not everyone is given this chance, I know. My friends and family from back home never get tired of reminding me that and I think that's something I have always known and continue to be thankful for. The events that led to today has been the farthest thing from a walk in the park. I have had quite a journey and the story leading up to me sitting here in Flat 30 in 19 Pudding Chare has been nothing but extraordinary. From plans gone wrong, bouts with the high and mighty immigration people, to my incredulously hasty exit that left everyone back home, stunned. It's a meat to a broadway production which I'm sure will score a not too shabby review, if I do say so myself. And no matter how I try to look back, trace and retrace everything that has materialized, I can't help but think that hey, I might just be destined to be here.
I know I've said that once here but it's only now that it's starting to really sink in. It could be that I needed a whole lot of time to adjust and familiarize myself with the life I now have. I know my way around town now, I have shopped (did lots of that), ran errands all by myself. I'm starting to get a feel of it all and somehow things are finally falling into place. With my flat now ready for occupancy (still leeching here at EJ's though, hehe) and people I'm starting to get really close to, Newcastle doesn't seem such a lonely place anymore. And while it's nothing like Manila, I guess it's not so bad.
Yes, I would have to admit that I don't hate this place anymore and while I still cry myself to sleep every night, it's now brought about by just pure nostalgia coupled with being homesick but not so much of resentment anymore. And I like this feeling.
But having said that, while all is well and chipper here, I am still haunted as to the proverbial quetion Why. Why oh why am I here? What am I doing here? Why am I not sweating it out like everyone back home is? Why aren't I in the place I have been longing to set foot on the minute I boarded that plane? I have been contemplating hard on the reason and have been desperately figuring it out but I've decided to stop. I'm letting it be and I'm letting my life run the course it's destined to all along.
I can't say that everything is great, because it's not. I can't say that I will stop crying, because I won't. I can't say that I'd rather be here than home, because I don't. But I also cannot say that I don't want this, because I do.
I really, really do.
It certainly isn't what I imagined it to be but I now know that it doesn't mean this isn't what's best for me. I am here for a purpose, a purpose I have yet to find out and along that path of discovery, I know I have to learn to bask in every single detail of my Newcastle Life. A life that I was blessed with and a life I should not dare take for granted.
And what about the lonely nights and unbearable cold? I take my cue from my late Father.
See I never once prayed to him. I never called onto him, he died when I was 2 and even in prayer, I never thought I could rely on him. He was just never there. But over the last few days with everything was just going crazy here, I tried it out. I tried calling onto my Papa, a man I share a birthday with and I'm supposed to be most alike with. I guess my prayer worked because not very long after, I woke up crying after a dream with him imparting to me the single best advice I think I've ever, ever had in my entire life.
We were supposed to be in our ancestral house in our home province of Aklan, Philippines when I got up, strolled into the kitchen where I could smell the aroma of Bulalo, a native Filipino dish that happens to be his specialty. I sat down and he poured me a bowl of its soup. I knew it was good and I also knew it was going to be hot. As I was playing with the soup, trying to cool it down with my stirring powers, my Papa sat down, took the bowl away from me and placed it infront of him and said, "Don't play with it. It's still hot. Blow it a bit, then let it stay to cool and when it's cool, you'll see. You'll be ready to enjoy it."
Now I know that might seem to be one of those ordinary dreams that probably means nothing to the untrained mind but in my book, that was my father telling me not to live life the hasty way I have been living, telling me not to play. It was his way of reminding me that life is hard (in referrence to the dish, it was hot) and that I should just let things be because it will cool down in its own time and once it's ready, once the time's set, I can finally enjoy it. I don't know if that it meant but I do know that I my life isn't going to be any easier but then again, so?
So what if my classes are ridiculously lame, so what if I'm still unsure of what I want in life, so what if most if not all of my plans are slowly dissintegrating and so what if I'm oceans and oceans away from the man I love.. I know all of this will one day, make sense. And if that's not something to look forward to, I don't know what else is.
As I type this, Taylor Hicks is providing me with entertainment as he belts out his euphoric "Do I make you proud" and as I listen to the lines of the song, I am flooded with so much memories. Of the long talks my mom and I had upon making the decision of my departure. The meltdowns I've been having every so often since I got here and the usual procrastination of a better life in the Philippines, just for me. But then I Taylor sings, "this is what we dreamed about but the only question with me now is do I make you proud".. I stare out the window and realize that however my life may be right now, it's not for me to say whether or not I've lived well. I can only do so much and I can only do my damndest but end of it all, I'm but human and the one I am living my life for is Up There, beaming and smiling at me.. Signifying, reassuring that it's all going to be fine.Just fine.
6th and counting
It takes a lot to decipher life. It's never easy finding what it is you are really supposed to do on earth and even when you do, you're confronted by the problem as to "how".
But once in a while, certain occurances happen that not even confusion can blind you and it just makes all the sense in the world.. Then there are people who come into your life and gives the world a whole lot of sense.
And if that's not enough, our lives tend to be illuminated by people who despite knowing they're there for a reason, leaves us disshelved and confused as to what exactly it is that they're doing in our lives.
It's a perpetually mind-boggling game of chance with all the fancy trimmings of question marks.
But once in a while, certain occurances happen that not even confusion can blind you and it just makes all the sense in the world.. Then there are people who come into your life and gives the world a whole lot of sense.Kinda like this exact day today, 6 months ago.. And sort of like the person that is John Paul. Thank you for the 179 amazing days.
Now and always,I love you.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Conquering it all
"If Love is worth fighting for, it has known no greater battle than this".It was true for (the Epic of) Troy..
... as it is for us.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Crying for Home
There's only 8 days left to February, we're almost in the month of March and that means we're in the first quarter of the year. It feels only yesterday that I was crying over my storm-devastated 21st birthday and now, we're making our way to counting down 2007's passing. Time is flying by so fast I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.
I have always welcomed life (and all it's other surprises) with open arms. I took on every opportunity that came my way and I never believed in dwelling in the past or have regrets even. I've made mistakes, had my share of pain, hurt and disappointment but I always made sure that if I fell seven times, I would get up eight. I've been toughened up by the number of circumstances that I've been through and never has it been an option for me to back down.
And I'm not surprised that despite my mangled spirit right now, I'm still the same bright-eyed girl who yearned to bask in all the blessings and opportunities I was been handed with. I may be crying more now but that's not something I'd deny nor be ashamed of. I'm homesick and lost and confused and I have no clue as to how I can pacify all of these unfamiliar emotions but I have faith in the eternally optimistic person that I know myself to be. Call it gut or intuition but something's telling me things are bound to get better.
After all with everything that's happened, how much worse can it get?
I have always welcomed life (and all it's other surprises) with open arms. I took on every opportunity that came my way and I never believed in dwelling in the past or have regrets even. I've made mistakes, had my share of pain, hurt and disappointment but I always made sure that if I fell seven times, I would get up eight. I've been toughened up by the number of circumstances that I've been through and never has it been an option for me to back down.
And I'm not surprised that despite my mangled spirit right now, I'm still the same bright-eyed girl who yearned to bask in all the blessings and opportunities I was been handed with. I may be crying more now but that's not something I'd deny nor be ashamed of. I'm homesick and lost and confused and I have no clue as to how I can pacify all of these unfamiliar emotions but I have faith in the eternally optimistic person that I know myself to be. Call it gut or intuition but something's telling me things are bound to get better.
After all with everything that's happened, how much worse can it get?
Sunday, February 18, 2007
There and about
I never liked Mondays. It always seemed like a sharp knife cutting me off from the bliss of my weekend bliss and except for when my birthday (or a loved ones) and Christmas fell on that day then maybe but ordinarily, I'm not quite a fan. But, unfortunately for me, it always comes around and in just over a hour from now, it will dawn again. Monday..
Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I particularly dread tomorrow.. I don't think I can get anymore depressed than I already am but tomorrow won't help either. You see I had last week off, didn't have classes due to "study week" that we had and I'm like.. What the hell do we need a break from studying from? We're doing FRACTIONS! And it's bad enough that I almost lost my mind the past week thinking of a way to convince myself that I actually had a stimulating life but I don't think even my own brain can wallow that in because I CLEARLY DON'T.
Darn it.
And tomorrow is going to be just as ridiculous, I'm sure. See we don't have classes again. My class who are all doing Foundation studies have the week off to do their UCAS (University applications and the like) and since I don't need that (I'm starting Final year in Northumbria University on September) I'm off. Again. Now I know that's usually a good thing but not for me. I mean it's bad enough that I have to sit through 6 hours of elementary algebra, "what makes an entrepreneur" or introduction to excel three times a week but this? Sheesh. It's not rocket science or anything, is it?
Out of boredom, I finished all of our assignments, reports and I even finished my final papers for all three subjects. Some feat, huh? Makes me think I shouldn't have jumped on them just yet, that way I could still dabble on something but then again, there's always the option of reviewing and rewriting them for the heck of it but that I think just puts me just about below desperate and just a bit above pathetic.
My life, my life.. My life.
I'm at least happier that the internet is back on but I think it'll take a lot more than surfing to get me off my current, deplorable state. I need activity. I need to get my brain functioning. I need to do something.
Anything.
So today, as my day dragged on, I felt so much more sucked in to a deeper pool of depression. Got up well before noon, ate Pancit Canton for Lunch, watched American Idol, heard mass with my flat mates and out of my near obsession to cheesy bite pizza (of Pizza Hut), I took my flatmates out for some and it was a pretty good night.
I enjoyed just talking to them about how different our cultures were, our various life stories and I actually seeked advice from them on how easier to adapt to being so far away. Martin, from Germany, who's leaving in a few days nailed that bit and he basically just told me to have a good "go around" while I'm here and I know should be doing just that. It will pose as a challenge because I'm not anything of a party girl and majority of "mixing together" here translates to parties whether house or bar type. I've been to a bar here, partied during our house warming but end of the day, it just wasn't for me. I guess I'd have to try a bit harder given I have personal limitations.. But whatever that might be, I have to get on it soon cause I can't take on another month like this again. I'm too sad.
But if anything, I'm at least glad to have met the people I have now. I know life isn't so great right now for me but God knows how much worse it could have gotten had I not met them.
Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I particularly dread tomorrow.. I don't think I can get anymore depressed than I already am but tomorrow won't help either. You see I had last week off, didn't have classes due to "study week" that we had and I'm like.. What the hell do we need a break from studying from? We're doing FRACTIONS! And it's bad enough that I almost lost my mind the past week thinking of a way to convince myself that I actually had a stimulating life but I don't think even my own brain can wallow that in because I CLEARLY DON'T.
Darn it.
And tomorrow is going to be just as ridiculous, I'm sure. See we don't have classes again. My class who are all doing Foundation studies have the week off to do their UCAS (University applications and the like) and since I don't need that (I'm starting Final year in Northumbria University on September) I'm off. Again. Now I know that's usually a good thing but not for me. I mean it's bad enough that I have to sit through 6 hours of elementary algebra, "what makes an entrepreneur" or introduction to excel three times a week but this? Sheesh. It's not rocket science or anything, is it?
Out of boredom, I finished all of our assignments, reports and I even finished my final papers for all three subjects. Some feat, huh? Makes me think I shouldn't have jumped on them just yet, that way I could still dabble on something but then again, there's always the option of reviewing and rewriting them for the heck of it but that I think just puts me just about below desperate and just a bit above pathetic.
My life, my life.. My life.
I'm at least happier that the internet is back on but I think it'll take a lot more than surfing to get me off my current, deplorable state. I need activity. I need to get my brain functioning. I need to do something.
Anything.
So today, as my day dragged on, I felt so much more sucked in to a deeper pool of depression. Got up well before noon, ate Pancit Canton for Lunch, watched American Idol, heard mass with my flat mates and out of my near obsession to cheesy bite pizza (of Pizza Hut), I took my flatmates out for some and it was a pretty good night.
I enjoyed just talking to them about how different our cultures were, our various life stories and I actually seeked advice from them on how easier to adapt to being so far away. Martin, from Germany, who's leaving in a few days nailed that bit and he basically just told me to have a good "go around" while I'm here and I know should be doing just that. It will pose as a challenge because I'm not anything of a party girl and majority of "mixing together" here translates to parties whether house or bar type. I've been to a bar here, partied during our house warming but end of the day, it just wasn't for me. I guess I'd have to try a bit harder given I have personal limitations.. But whatever that might be, I have to get on it soon cause I can't take on another month like this again. I'm too sad.But if anything, I'm at least glad to have met the people I have now. I know life isn't so great right now for me but God knows how much worse it could have gotten had I not met them.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Crap-Ville all over again
The blasted internet connection is zapped, leaving me on the brink of insanity. I can't believe that I had to cross the oceans to prove that the grass is not always (make that almost never) greener on the other side.. I am on the "other side" and it's in a murky mud-dark color.
Yes, this is again of of those get-me-out-of-this-place-i-wanna-go-home kind of entry, the kind of entry that might not even relate to you how miserable everything has been. I mean it's enough that I'm thousand to millions of miles away from the very people and things that makes my heart beat but it's another to be literally stuck in a place where time stands still whenever hell's starting to break lose.. if you know what I mean.
This bites. This sucks. Just horrible.
It's not the city.. It's not the people.. It's not even the weather -okay, maybe a teeny tiny bit.. It's more of.. How do I put this nicely? It's how everything in my life suddenly turned cold turkey. I feel like my insides are crystalizing as I type with the pure absence of love and genuine affection. It gets really lonely here and as much as I wanna be positive and be grateful for the opportunity of being here.. I don't think I've ever been sadder in my entire life. I feel like half of me is missing and that the half with me now is slowly dying a pathetic, miserable and in a moronic glacial pace of a death.
The last time I cried myself to sleep every night was when my grandfather died some 11 years ago. I never thought anything could have been as unbearable as losing the only man I have come to know as my father but alas.. Life's surprises never fails to stun me. The tears just keep flooding in and they're not showing any sign of leaving.
I hate this. Get me out of here.
Yes, this is again of of those get-me-out-of-this-place-i-wanna-go-home kind of entry, the kind of entry that might not even relate to you how miserable everything has been. I mean it's enough that I'm thousand to millions of miles away from the very people and things that makes my heart beat but it's another to be literally stuck in a place where time stands still whenever hell's starting to break lose.. if you know what I mean.
This bites. This sucks. Just horrible.
It's not the city.. It's not the people.. It's not even the weather -okay, maybe a teeny tiny bit.. It's more of.. How do I put this nicely? It's how everything in my life suddenly turned cold turkey. I feel like my insides are crystalizing as I type with the pure absence of love and genuine affection. It gets really lonely here and as much as I wanna be positive and be grateful for the opportunity of being here.. I don't think I've ever been sadder in my entire life. I feel like half of me is missing and that the half with me now is slowly dying a pathetic, miserable and in a moronic glacial pace of a death.
The last time I cried myself to sleep every night was when my grandfather died some 11 years ago. I never thought anything could have been as unbearable as losing the only man I have come to know as my father but alas.. Life's surprises never fails to stun me. The tears just keep flooding in and they're not showing any sign of leaving.
I hate this. Get me out of here.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Overrated
Flowers. Heart shaped balloons. People dressed in Red. Malls are crowded with people doing last minute shopping. Dinner dates.
They're everywhere.
I thought that having a boyfriend would make me understand all of this but sadly, it doesn't. If at all, I feel worse.
VALENTINES is overrated. Thank God the day's about to end.
They're everywhere.
I thought that having a boyfriend would make me understand all of this but sadly, it doesn't. If at all, I feel worse.
VALENTINES is overrated. Thank God the day's about to end.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Staying Hungry; Staying Foolish
READ. REFLECT.
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005 at Stanford University.
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005 at Stanford University.
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Cold enough for snow
Raph (my best friend of almost 20 years) and I had quite a long chat just tonight. He and his almost Fiance had a row and for a moment there I thought they were really calling it quits. They've been at it for days and I could tell that Raph was taking it very badly. No wonder he's been dropping me weird emails and testimonials but apparently, he knew how much I had on my plate too so he kept mum about his own love brou-haha. But I guess the pressure tonight was just too much. We spoke over YM (through the call service) and he was just, broken. All my life, it was him who stood there wiping away my tears when I felt I didn't have the energy to even do that. He was always the big brother I never had and I always felt very protected knowing that he got my back. And seeing (via webcam) and hearing him spill out everything he's been bottling up inside made me just as weak.
He finally poured out everything he's been concealing and oh God is my best friend destroyed.
He left for a while and told me to just wait cause he had to swing by his girlfriend's place to pick up his stuff and asked me to wait. I did. About an hour after, he buzzed me and told me keep December 8 open because..
THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED.
I didn't know whether to feel happy or slap him silly. I was about to go on with my what-were-you-thinking speech when I suddenly calmed down and asked, "Why?" And he gave me probably the most endearing (and ironically so common) answer of all: "I just can't let her go". I didn't have to ask him to elaborate. I saw it in his eyes and I heard his voice chuckle in that funny way he does whenever he's overjoyed. I've never seen him that happy and quite frankly, it's about time.
So had Kae (best friend to both Raph & I) come online so we could talk and when I told her the news, all she could say was "Wow, makes you now wonder when enough is enough, huh?" And before I could ask her to expound on that, she got cut off and I just got a text message from her saying she can't reconnect and that we'll talk tomorrow (later).
But what she said struck a chord in me cause she's right you know, when is enough enough? When do you fight and when do you just put your foot down and say It's over. It's done. I want out. When is that triggering time? When is that moment the moment?
I thought about it while walking home from school tonight and from personal experience, I'd say there is no set time or triggering moment or anything of that sort. It's always very relative to what you can and cannot take any longer but me? I'm not much for the I've-had-it stuffs because I've always wanted to fight and I believe so much in working it out. With that said, I know in my heart of hearts that Raph, Kae and I were truly meant to be friends. We're a bunch of let's-work-it-out-and-never-let-go kind of people and it's pretty inspiring to know 2 people who are giving their relationships the same amount of "all out" that you are to yours.
If there's anything that these two people taught me on love, it's that when you truly love somebody, it never is a question of what you're going to get. Instead it's always what you're willing to give. And with true love, I've learned, means giving nothing short of everything.
And boy, am I doing (and giving) just that.
I leave you now with a few lines from one of my favorite songs, Fall Again by Glenn Lewis. I think this will cap off everything I want to say on this whole enough-is-enough issue:
He finally poured out everything he's been concealing and oh God is my best friend destroyed.
He left for a while and told me to just wait cause he had to swing by his girlfriend's place to pick up his stuff and asked me to wait. I did. About an hour after, he buzzed me and told me keep December 8 open because..
THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED.
I didn't know whether to feel happy or slap him silly. I was about to go on with my what-were-you-thinking speech when I suddenly calmed down and asked, "Why?" And he gave me probably the most endearing (and ironically so common) answer of all: "I just can't let her go". I didn't have to ask him to elaborate. I saw it in his eyes and I heard his voice chuckle in that funny way he does whenever he's overjoyed. I've never seen him that happy and quite frankly, it's about time.
So had Kae (best friend to both Raph & I) come online so we could talk and when I told her the news, all she could say was "Wow, makes you now wonder when enough is enough, huh?" And before I could ask her to expound on that, she got cut off and I just got a text message from her saying she can't reconnect and that we'll talk tomorrow (later).
But what she said struck a chord in me cause she's right you know, when is enough enough? When do you fight and when do you just put your foot down and say It's over. It's done. I want out. When is that triggering time? When is that moment the moment?
I thought about it while walking home from school tonight and from personal experience, I'd say there is no set time or triggering moment or anything of that sort. It's always very relative to what you can and cannot take any longer but me? I'm not much for the I've-had-it stuffs because I've always wanted to fight and I believe so much in working it out. With that said, I know in my heart of hearts that Raph, Kae and I were truly meant to be friends. We're a bunch of let's-work-it-out-and-never-let-go kind of people and it's pretty inspiring to know 2 people who are giving their relationships the same amount of "all out" that you are to yours.
If there's anything that these two people taught me on love, it's that when you truly love somebody, it never is a question of what you're going to get. Instead it's always what you're willing to give. And with true love, I've learned, means giving nothing short of everything.
And boy, am I doing (and giving) just that.
I leave you now with a few lines from one of my favorite songs, Fall Again by Glenn Lewis. I think this will cap off everything I want to say on this whole enough-is-enough issue:
"You’ll try everything you never thought would work before.
When you live, when you love, and you give them your all,
You can always give up some more"
With that, I park my uh.. hands and go visit dreamland. To Raph and Jordan, my Congratulations! I hope you give me and Kae lots en lots en lots of inaanaks (godchildren)!
Monday, February 05, 2007
Twinkle Twinkle, not so Little, Stars
So this long distance relationship thing.. my idea? Whatever the case may be, this is clearly not what I had in mind. I knew it was gonna be hard and painful to get through but I don't think intolerable was anywhere near my thoughts.Today marks my 3rd official week here in the UK, I'm finally getting used to the move but my heart is still somewhere else. Somehow it keeps on wanting to jump out of my chest and rest itself where it feels most comfortable in.
I saw my first set of stars, bright ones, last night and I couldn't help but savor the moment of my constellation friends who've always aided me in times of worry. They always got me through and they've always heard my pleas.
It's going to will take a while but I know they're working on it. I know they're getting my wish all geared up just for me. My stars have always brought me my miracles and I know this time is no different. I know they'll deliver..
And I know, he'll come.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Wouldn't you know it
Wouldn’t you know it, it’s already Thursday. Wouldn’t you know it tomorrow means Friday and… wouldn’t you know it, it’s already the first of February. Time definitely flies by fast, and that’s whether or not you’re having fun. Over the past 4 days, I’ve been to 2 surprise birthday parties, attended my first week in school and slept very, very little.
School sucks.
Well. I don’t really mean that the school sucks, I mean what I’m doing right now does. I’m currently enrolled in Newcastle College doing a 6 month course in Business. The school’s alright and all but see, when I applied for the course I thought it would be mostly general business, you know? Marketing, finance studies and the like but no. I only have 3 subjects and only 1 is Business related. The other two are Quantitative Methods (Math, simply put) and Information Technology. I go to school only thrice a week, Mondays (QM), Tuesdays (BS) and Thursdays (IT) but if you think this is a good thing, think again. My classes are all from 3 to 9. Yes that’s right, your eyes aren’t fooling you, I take them 6 hours per day. Drat, I know. In the words of my friend EJ, I have the hours of someone taking their Masters. Hum-hum.
On one end, I have good teachers. My Math teacher is a nice, old man who reminds me of Santa Clause –only thinner and because just as much as Santa like giving gifts, this guy likes giving notes, lots of notes. My Business Studies teacher is also nice and seems to be business savvy but she can be a little monotonous in her speech so you can only imagine what that brings about. But my favorite would have to be my IT teacher and who is also my counselor. She’s a very nice middle-eastern woman who gives good lectures and a good dose of fun once in a while. My classes are relatively easy and quite elementary if you think about it (we’re studying Fractions, Business Ownerships and Excel) but looking at it now, it’s not really so bad. And quite honestly, it doesn’t give me any reason not to get a distinction (the highest achievement you can get) so that’s the only thing keeping me challenged right now. Wouldn’t you know it, at this rate I might still have fun.
Birthdays
This Monday saw EJ’s (one of my closest friend slash flat/roommate-turned-mommy) turning 20. Her boyfriend Ed, also my current flat mate, threw her a surprise party which was well attended by almost all of our Pinoy friends and flat mates (and some of their friends as well). The party was a smash, EJ didn’t quite know what hit her when she walked in our flat’s kitchen. Hehe. Good surprise, Ed!
That night also witnessed JM’s (a friend since Thames-days) birthday. Twas pretty nice to actually spend his birthday with him the very second he turned 19. On the strike of midnight, January 30, we had him blow his candles, which really was a recycled candle from EJ’s cake plus one to mean 20-1= 19. Clever and funny, I know. Hehe. The whole night he kept on telling people to come to the surprise party organized for him as well but he was plainly joking but little did he know, the gang really made one for him. So the next night, we went over to their dorm and surprised JM and wouldn’t you know it, despite his “foresight”, he was still shocked. Well done, you guys! Hehehe.
Anniversaries
My bestfriend Kae and her fiancé, Rob celebrated their 4th year together yesterday and Rob surprised her by flying from Canada to New York just to see her. I thought that was awfully sweet. These guys have been through quite a lot in the last two years from conversion, fatal accidents to major career shifts and I couldn’t be any happier standing to witness their union this coming May as the Maid of Honor.
Before Five months ago, I was a silly little girl engrossed in nothing but org work and not much caring for anything else. Until of course this totally random guy walked into my totally random life and randomly turning it all the way round and wouldn’t you know it, 5 tough, at times seemingly impossible months after, we’re still together creating some, if not the best memories I could ever have partaken in with someone. The distance is obviously proving for things to be harder (a lot) but we’ve managed to sort things out in our own unique (and loving) way.
All my love, Happy 5th Month sweetness :-)
School sucks.
Well. I don’t really mean that the school sucks, I mean what I’m doing right now does. I’m currently enrolled in Newcastle College doing a 6 month course in Business. The school’s alright and all but see, when I applied for the course I thought it would be mostly general business, you know? Marketing, finance studies and the like but no. I only have 3 subjects and only 1 is Business related. The other two are Quantitative Methods (Math, simply put) and Information Technology. I go to school only thrice a week, Mondays (QM), Tuesdays (BS) and Thursdays (IT) but if you think this is a good thing, think again. My classes are all from 3 to 9. Yes that’s right, your eyes aren’t fooling you, I take them 6 hours per day. Drat, I know. In the words of my friend EJ, I have the hours of someone taking their Masters. Hum-hum.
On one end, I have good teachers. My Math teacher is a nice, old man who reminds me of Santa Clause –only thinner and because just as much as Santa like giving gifts, this guy likes giving notes, lots of notes. My Business Studies teacher is also nice and seems to be business savvy but she can be a little monotonous in her speech so you can only imagine what that brings about. But my favorite would have to be my IT teacher and who is also my counselor. She’s a very nice middle-eastern woman who gives good lectures and a good dose of fun once in a while. My classes are relatively easy and quite elementary if you think about it (we’re studying Fractions, Business Ownerships and Excel) but looking at it now, it’s not really so bad. And quite honestly, it doesn’t give me any reason not to get a distinction (the highest achievement you can get) so that’s the only thing keeping me challenged right now. Wouldn’t you know it, at this rate I might still have fun.Birthdays
This Monday saw EJ’s (one of my closest friend slash flat/roommate-turned-mommy) turning 20. Her boyfriend Ed, also my current flat mate, threw her a surprise party which was well attended by almost all of our Pinoy friends and flat mates (and some of their friends as well). The party was a smash, EJ didn’t quite know what hit her when she walked in our flat’s kitchen. Hehe. Good surprise, Ed!
That night also witnessed JM’s (a friend since Thames-days) birthday. Twas pretty nice to actually spend his birthday with him the very second he turned 19. On the strike of midnight, January 30, we had him blow his candles, which really was a recycled candle from EJ’s cake plus one to mean 20-1= 19. Clever and funny, I know. Hehe. The whole night he kept on telling people to come to the surprise party organized for him as well but he was plainly joking but little did he know, the gang really made one for him. So the next night, we went over to their dorm and surprised JM and wouldn’t you know it, despite his “foresight”, he was still shocked. Well done, you guys! Hehehe.
Anniversaries
My bestfriend Kae and her fiancé, Rob celebrated their 4th year together yesterday and Rob surprised her by flying from Canada to New York just to see her. I thought that was awfully sweet. These guys have been through quite a lot in the last two years from conversion, fatal accidents to major career shifts and I couldn’t be any happier standing to witness their union this coming May as the Maid of Honor.
Before Five months ago, I was a silly little girl engrossed in nothing but org work and not much caring for anything else. Until of course this totally random guy walked into my totally random life and randomly turning it all the way round and wouldn’t you know it, 5 tough, at times seemingly impossible months after, we’re still together creating some, if not the best memories I could ever have partaken in with someone. The distance is obviously proving for things to be harder (a lot) but we’ve managed to sort things out in our own unique (and loving) way.All my love, Happy 5th Month sweetness :-)
Sunday, January 28, 2007
God, Love, Birthdays and Everything else in between
I attended my first mass -Newcastle style. The church is very close to EJ's flat and my school so I was pretty thrilled with that. We also met up with Pinoy friends and hung out awhile.. Too bad the cam's bat ran out but I got pictures of the Church so I guess we definitely have to hang out again to get those pictures. Hehe.Anyway, back to the Sunday service, we came in a bit late but as soon as we sat down, the second reading started to get read and I almost cried when I heard it.. It was from my favorite Bible verse and I think quite timely with what I have on my plate right now..
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4
Indeed it, Love, is.
I've had many a relationship but sadly, those words never seeped through enough for my past relations sustained. Indeed love is magical. It will unfold you, make you go crazy and is often hard to keep but once it's there.. Once you feel it nudging where it should then, oh boy, aren't you in for a treat.
Today is pretty symbolic too. It's been officially a week since I landed on the grounds of Newcastle. It's been a week since I made that fateful 14 hour plane ride half way across the globe. Today marks my first week anniversary and I can tell you now, home sickness aside, I'm having a blast.
Tomorrow also marks my first day of school, officially. Finally I'll get to do what I came here to do.. and no, it's not shopping (although I like that idea, hehe). Study. Go to school, attend classes and meet people I can actually call classmates. I know it can and may get dragging but hey.. I'm not one to pass up opportunities like these. Alongside my boredom will be a chance for me to get to.. uh, oh I don't know.. Ramsack through my brain and get my head straight even more. I still have quite a few things floating in my brain and I need to get them out, strain and deduce them.As the verse said, "when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (woman), I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known"..
I still have quite a long way to go but I know that I'm well on my way into unravelling all of the things that were meant for me and right now, I'm fine with waiting.
*a shout out to one of my closest, bestest friends (and my current mommy), EJ who's turning a year older and wiser in about.. 46 minutes, UK time, for now. Best wishes, Jan! Mahal kita and I hope you know that :-)
Saturday, January 27, 2007
My life as a Paradox
January 26, 2007
10:18 PM
Flat 30 Parrish View
Pudding Chare Newcastle
Ironies of Ironies
Just minutes ago, I heard an ambulance siren blast through so I tilted my head up to check where it was coming from. It came natural to me to think how sad it was to know someone was getting rushed from something that could be fatal. But now that I’ve settled down to a comfortable corner I realize that it can’t be so bad hearing that siren because it also means that someone was actually taken into care when he could just have probably died if no one bothered. Ah, the ironies of life.
Take my decision to move here for instance. This has been everything I have imagined, dreamed of since I was a kid. I always knew I would go far away, travel, see the world and have a taste of everything splendid and bitter. I knew life would take me far, farther than the confines of my southeastern boundaries. I of course imagined something a lot more extravagant but my life right now is nothing short of what I always bent down for before bedtime for ages and ages ago. This has always been my dream and I never thought I would and could possibly decide to think otherwise about being here but alas, life’s puzzles seem to never endingly bewilder me.
I haven’t even been gone a week but yes, I am definitely homesick.
My feet though wrapped with 2 blankets are still dead cold. I guess that’s what I get from relocating about 10,000 miles away from my tropical paradise of a home; I not only get culture shock, I get a good surprise from the weather as well. But my feet (or my hands) aren’t the only ones cold. Apart from my appendages and practically everything I touch here, the coldest would probably be my heart.
I took the Plunge and Dove
I have been living on my own since I was 15. I’ve always had a nanny but all they ever really did was prepare my meals, fix the house and chaperone me around. Their job description ended there no matter how close I got with them. I grew up quite close to me family, both immediate and those extended (you’d be surprised at how close I am with my distant relatives) but through all these years of fending for myself, I have been pretty independent. I had to grow up fast, I was the boss of myself and never really attached myself to anyone or anything for that matter. I guess that was my defense mechanism, it’s pretty safe to say that I lived by the creed: love all trust a few. It wasn’t exactly a healthy state of mind but it got me through life fine. I made a lot of good friends, friends whom I have been fortunate enough to keep standing by me after all these years and have managed to keep my family life intact and whole despite the limited time we spend together. I never really imagined myself attached to something or someone as much as I do now. I never thought I could feel the way I do now, never thought I would want to be with someone this bad and I never thought I would care and love someone as I do now.
Life is a wheel and my, my.. it’s finally turned my way.
She said, He said..
Relationships are funny things. They are the easiest things to get in and out of but the hardest to keep and maintain. I’ve learned this the hard way. It’s taken me 4 failed relationships to finally realize that relationships aren’t about anniversaries, how much things you have in common or the length of time you’ve known each other or have been together. It’s not about having your peers’ approval or how much you’ve both done for each other. Love and Relationship isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about winning, staying ahead or getting even. It’s not a game for heaven’s sakes.
But it’s in compromising. Working it out, defining who your partner is to you and what he is in your life. It’s about choosing to be with him and mindfully understanding him despite and in spite of. It’s about commitment, trust, respect and recognizing how you can bring out the best in each other. It’s in nurturing your partner’s growth while never forgetting your own. It’s about passion and having fun, resolving issues and discussing things in a civilized manner. It’s about cutting each other some slack when need be, owning up to your faults and swallowing your pride. It’s about allowing yourself to become vulnerable only because you know, with him, you’re safe and free. Safe to be yourself and free to discover who and whatever else you can be.
End of the day, my ironic life can’t be any fabulous. A lot can still be better but I know in time, it will manifest its most splendid multitude of possibilities and realities in their own given time. Until then, I will wait.. along with the blasted internet connection.
10:18 PM
Flat 30 Parrish View
Pudding Chare Newcastle
Ironies of Ironies
Just minutes ago, I heard an ambulance siren blast through so I tilted my head up to check where it was coming from. It came natural to me to think how sad it was to know someone was getting rushed from something that could be fatal. But now that I’ve settled down to a comfortable corner I realize that it can’t be so bad hearing that siren because it also means that someone was actually taken into care when he could just have probably died if no one bothered. Ah, the ironies of life.
Take my decision to move here for instance. This has been everything I have imagined, dreamed of since I was a kid. I always knew I would go far away, travel, see the world and have a taste of everything splendid and bitter. I knew life would take me far, farther than the confines of my southeastern boundaries. I of course imagined something a lot more extravagant but my life right now is nothing short of what I always bent down for before bedtime for ages and ages ago. This has always been my dream and I never thought I would and could possibly decide to think otherwise about being here but alas, life’s puzzles seem to never endingly bewilder me.
I haven’t even been gone a week but yes, I am definitely homesick.
My feet though wrapped with 2 blankets are still dead cold. I guess that’s what I get from relocating about 10,000 miles away from my tropical paradise of a home; I not only get culture shock, I get a good surprise from the weather as well. But my feet (or my hands) aren’t the only ones cold. Apart from my appendages and practically everything I touch here, the coldest would probably be my heart.
Newcastle is definitely a place I can see myself eventually living in. Quaint, simple, the people are very easy going and it’s a break away from the polluted metropolis I’ve been used to for the past decades. It’s a lovely place, a place I know I will one day ultimately fall in love with but, sadly, the lovin’ just ain’t kicking in yet. Although the place is by far a million miles better than already urbanized Metro Manila, nothing beats home. Nothing beats the normalcy of being somewhere you really belong. Someone you really fit and won’t have to check twice before doing anything because everything you do around you is second nature. Nothing is ever weird, nothing is out of the ordinary. You fit. Everything around you is familiar, common.
And close to your heart.
I’d be lying if I say that I’m not happy because I am. For one, I’m glad to be able to walk down the street without fearing I’d get lung cancer the time I get home (although I could potentially die of passive smoking here) from all the smoke in the air. I’m glad not seeing beggars knocking on car windows anymore (they’re the very reason why I want to be a Human Rights lawyer one day) and because I know not everyone is given this kind of opportunity. Not everyone can afford this and not everyone gets the kind of support I get from my family and friends. But I do feel like half of me is missing.. and I think we all know where my other piece (or pieces) are.
I’d be lying if I say that I’m not happy because I am. For one, I’m glad to be able to walk down the street without fearing I’d get lung cancer the time I get home (although I could potentially die of passive smoking here) from all the smoke in the air. I’m glad not seeing beggars knocking on car windows anymore (they’re the very reason why I want to be a Human Rights lawyer one day) and because I know not everyone is given this kind of opportunity. Not everyone can afford this and not everyone gets the kind of support I get from my family and friends. But I do feel like half of me is missing.. and I think we all know where my other piece (or pieces) are.
I took the Plunge and Dove
I have been living on my own since I was 15. I’ve always had a nanny but all they ever really did was prepare my meals, fix the house and chaperone me around. Their job description ended there no matter how close I got with them. I grew up quite close to me family, both immediate and those extended (you’d be surprised at how close I am with my distant relatives) but through all these years of fending for myself, I have been pretty independent. I had to grow up fast, I was the boss of myself and never really attached myself to anyone or anything for that matter. I guess that was my defense mechanism, it’s pretty safe to say that I lived by the creed: love all trust a few. It wasn’t exactly a healthy state of mind but it got me through life fine. I made a lot of good friends, friends whom I have been fortunate enough to keep standing by me after all these years and have managed to keep my family life intact and whole despite the limited time we spend together. I never really imagined myself attached to something or someone as much as I do now. I never thought I could feel the way I do now, never thought I would want to be with someone this bad and I never thought I would care and love someone as I do now.
Life is a wheel and my, my.. it’s finally turned my way.
She said, He said..
Relationships are funny things. They are the easiest things to get in and out of but the hardest to keep and maintain. I’ve learned this the hard way. It’s taken me 4 failed relationships to finally realize that relationships aren’t about anniversaries, how much things you have in common or the length of time you’ve known each other or have been together. It’s not about having your peers’ approval or how much you’ve both done for each other. Love and Relationship isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about winning, staying ahead or getting even. It’s not a game for heaven’s sakes.
But it’s in compromising. Working it out, defining who your partner is to you and what he is in your life. It’s about choosing to be with him and mindfully understanding him despite and in spite of. It’s about commitment, trust, respect and recognizing how you can bring out the best in each other. It’s in nurturing your partner’s growth while never forgetting your own. It’s about passion and having fun, resolving issues and discussing things in a civilized manner. It’s about cutting each other some slack when need be, owning up to your faults and swallowing your pride. It’s about allowing yourself to become vulnerable only because you know, with him, you’re safe and free. Safe to be yourself and free to discover who and whatever else you can be.
End of the day, my ironic life can’t be any fabulous. A lot can still be better but I know in time, it will manifest its most splendid multitude of possibilities and realities in their own given time. Until then, I will wait.. along with the blasted internet connection.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Amazing Personified
Some things are just hard to come by. Like that Simon Birch DVD copy, a rainbow when you need it the most, a cab when you're already late, a designer dress on sale, quality television (hehe), a guy you can bring home to mom whom she'd actually smile at and give the good cookie to(good thing I did).
Instead we are tormented with bad hair days, newly bought clothing you realize doesn't look good on you after all, that erratic weather, phone calls and messages unanswered, inconsiderate blabbermouths in movie houses, computer hang ups just when you're about ready to hit the 'save' button and loads and loads of bull said everyday to everyone.
It's a sad world, yes I totally agree but you know what has made my life bearable despite the little annoyances I've had over these months, this past years?
Eating burritos. Late night hang outs at starbucks. Dinners that really translates 'kwento time'. Cab rides that accommodates more 'kwento time'. Holy week meet ups in random malls. Movie that ends up being let's-watch-and-see-how-much-this-suck marathons. Those hey-i'm-bored-wanna-meet?/sure-where/san-pa?/okay-be-there-in-an-hour moments. Vacation plans that stays just plans. Stormy trips to Baguio. Drooling over the same hunks. Book talkathons. Obsession with a non living entity (hahaha). Restaurant hopping in search for the perfect so and so. Favorite movie dialogue discussions. Overnalyzing practically everything in sight. Sister stories. Dessert indulging times. Dreams of taking on the world (hopefully these doesn't stay just dreams). Discussions over who Lorelai & Rory should end up with. Shopping that never really leads to anything other than more chance to talk. Those serious moments that often leads to tons and tons of wisdom uncovered.. Finally, it's are those ever willing ears and that wonderful, wonderful heart that never fails to listen, care, understand, laugh along and simply stays be there, that truly makes me get through.
And no one quite does it better at being a friend than You.
No mile, continent or time change can ever allow anyone to take your place. Whatever I am today, however I got to this point and whoever I will be.. is a clear manifestation of your greatness as a friend. You were one of the very few who looked me in the eye, saw me for all that I was about and without any thought, accepted me inspite and despite of.
You are an incredible person.. The rest of the world is really missing out on a lot not knowing the person that you are. You have such a gift, a gift for making people loved in unconventional ways and yet managing to get them feel secured. I have had a spontaneous life and you're one of the very few (think 5) things I am definitely sure of. Thank you for everything. I don't think I could have found a better friend than you.
I love you mommy.
Instead we are tormented with bad hair days, newly bought clothing you realize doesn't look good on you after all, that erratic weather, phone calls and messages unanswered, inconsiderate blabbermouths in movie houses, computer hang ups just when you're about ready to hit the 'save' button and loads and loads of bull said everyday to everyone.
It's a sad world, yes I totally agree but you know what has made my life bearable despite the little annoyances I've had over these months, this past years?
Eating burritos. Late night hang outs at starbucks. Dinners that really translates 'kwento time'. Cab rides that accommodates more 'kwento time'. Holy week meet ups in random malls. Movie that ends up being let's-watch-and-see-how-much-this-suck marathons. Those hey-i'm-bored-wanna-meet?/sure-where/san-pa?/okay-be-there-in-an-hour moments. Vacation plans that stays just plans. Stormy trips to Baguio. Drooling over the same hunks. Book talkathons. Obsession with a non living entity (hahaha). Restaurant hopping in search for the perfect so and so. Favorite movie dialogue discussions. Overnalyzing practically everything in sight. Sister stories. Dessert indulging times. Dreams of taking on the world (hopefully these doesn't stay just dreams). Discussions over who Lorelai & Rory should end up with. Shopping that never really leads to anything other than more chance to talk. Those serious moments that often leads to tons and tons of wisdom uncovered.. Finally, it's are those ever willing ears and that wonderful, wonderful heart that never fails to listen, care, understand, laugh along and simply stays be there, that truly makes me get through.
And no one quite does it better at being a friend than You.No mile, continent or time change can ever allow anyone to take your place. Whatever I am today, however I got to this point and whoever I will be.. is a clear manifestation of your greatness as a friend. You were one of the very few who looked me in the eye, saw me for all that I was about and without any thought, accepted me inspite and despite of.
You are an incredible person.. The rest of the world is really missing out on a lot not knowing the person that you are. You have such a gift, a gift for making people loved in unconventional ways and yet managing to get them feel secured. I have had a spontaneous life and you're one of the very few (think 5) things I am definitely sure of. Thank you for everything. I don't think I could have found a better friend than you.
I love you mommy.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Newcastle Girl
It's 5:26 PM back home and only 9 AM in London. I'm in neither places. Hehe. I'm way up in the sky, trying to make do with the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do while on board except try and rationalize how all this came about. I'm feeling an utter lightness in my head knowing that I still have to be on this thing for another 8 hours and mind you, getting on this plane is by far the most spontaneous thing I've ever encountered in my life.Even I am baffled at how everything suddenly happened, one day I was just going on my business like everyone else, trying to make it through the days and now I'm strapped and flying continents away from everything familiar to me. Don't get me wrong, this is good and I'm very happy but it's just, to put it mildly, too surreal.
Anyone who's anyone in my life knows this particular scene of me being whisked off out of the country, is inevitable. I've talked about it hundreds, millions of times over. I've been very vocal of my plans, dreams and my "game plans" but somehow that was just that for me then. Pure talk, all envisioning and though it really was what I wanted, I never thought it was gonna be this soon.
I was perfectly happy with my life in the Philippines, I have a great family, awesome friends, I was impassioned by my org, AIESEC and I have the most perfect boyfriend-bestfriend combo in JP. I couldn't ask for anything more and truth of the matter is, I haven't been asking for anything in a while but then, reality soon hit hard on me, on us. By November 2006, I casually tried my luck at applying to schools abroad, mainly in Australia but even with my conscious effort of updating every single day, nothing worked. December rolled by and all I got from them was a dramatic speech from one of their agents expressing how irresponsible it was of me to wait that long before applying.Fine, whatever.
I knew at that time that Australia was my only ticket out of the country by February but as everything in my life so far, another surprise came my way. I knew for a fact that UK didn't have any course offerings in January or February for Mass Communications and that it was only JP's B.A. IT course that floated so, desperate that JP was to leave (he had to, as a request of his parents), I met up with my friend EJ's agent to see if she can try and help JP apply for the UK for January. She fixed JP's track quite fast and to my surprise, she had an offer for me as well. It wasn't straight Mass Com for me, it was a 6 month diploma course in Business and in September, I'll start with my Mass Com course. The process of application was mind bogglingly fast. By mid- December, my offer came in and if that surprised me, what made me fall off my back was the fact that JP's IT course got dissolved but me? Oh I was all set to go, paid and everything. Right after the New Year, I passed my visa application.
Now the school (Newcastle College) already opened classes on January 8th, they initially gave me until only the 15th to get there which was just too impossible and when my visa didn't come on the 12th, I felt like all hopes were indeed lost but.. as miracles would have it, the school extended the deadline for enrolment to the 22nd. That was when I felt that this was really for me. That was the only time in the past couple of weeks that my doubts were sealed and my fears extinguished. At that very moment, I knew my destiny was in the UK.But as I was rejoicing, another blimp came into picture: my visa was still not released. I waited til about Wednesday and when it still didn't come, I called the embassy the next day to ask for progress. They said I've been issued on already but that it hasn't been stamped yet and asked me to call back the next day. Around 8am last Friday, I called them and after a long argument with them, they finally gave in and asked me to just pick it up no later than 12 noon so I did and after that, JP and I went over to my mom's office to give our birthday gift to her and prepared for my Despidida party at Halmen's restaurant.
Friends came and you know, said their goodbyes and even then it all felt too surreal. As my last party guest drove out of sight, it was again just me and JP. Looking in his eyes then made me get all the more scared.. Scared that finally my future in the UK was sealed and that for most parts of that future, he won't be there.Saturday, January 20th went like a blur. I went to Makati to get my ticket from my agent (I told you everything was rushed) and when we got to her office, she found out that my booking got cancelled already so in panic, she called another friend and in a few minutes' time, they got me another booking for KLM. I preferred flying KLM so that was good but the pit fall was that it was leaving earlier, much much earlier. My original booking was at 8pm and having been transfered to KLM, my departure was now at 11:50. But that still made me smile. As my agent put it, she feels that I'm really destined to leave because KLM was booked pretty solid last they checked and the fact that I got in with not much problems (and a cheaper rate), it feels like it was truly for me. She even kept saying how she was getting goosebumps from what was happening to me and hearing that felt comforting (not her getting goosebumps, mind you).
After Makati, JP and I went to Ortigas to attend an AIESEC activity, the World Cafe Project, my last.. for now(?). After staying there a bit, we had to leave to get to Megamall cause I had to shop. Yes folks, even that was rushed. I bought my essentials. Laptop (needed a new one, hehe) a digital camera (my sister now plays mother to my old one), warm clothes, went grocery shopping and bought just enough shoes. Bought EJ's request (hehe) and headed home around 2am. After that, I packed til about 5, took a shower and was off to the airport by 6.
I managed to get to the airport fine (with a bit of drama with my mom) but when I got inside, I found out that I was 17 kilos overweight and they were asking me to pay around 500 euros or 33 thousand pesos. Were they nuts?! I had to have my other suitcase taken home and what made it worse was I only got to see JP for a couple of minutes but whatever time we had, I cried. Walking away from him at the airport (my family already left by then) was probably one of the most painful things I've ever had to endure -and I can tell you i've had such craps before, but this was different. It felt so bad leaving someone you have gotten so used to being with and not even knowing when you'd see him again.
With tears in my eyes, I made my way inside and as soon as my butt touched the seat, I cried even more. I couldn't imagine my days without my sister's pile upon piles of books and reading materials, I couldn't imagine life without senidng text brigades to my members calling them for a meeting, I couldn't how life would be without being disappointed that no one has replied, I couldn't imagine how life would be without pouncing on the phone after not getting through JP's line and.. I couldn't imagine life without having to wait for him to pick me up. These are annoyances I've had over the last few months but now, I'd give anything to experience them again on
e more time.It was only when I got to Schipol airport that it finally sunk in me. I was definitely out of the Philippines.. Indefinitely. Waiting for my plane to Newcastle gave me a chance to fully bask in the change my life was going to undertake once I step onto the Newcastle soil.
Another hour after of being on another plane, I finally arrived in Newcastle. EJ and Ed picked me up, we took the Metro and in no less than 30 minutes (or so), they welcomed me to their flat. Since my College ran out of slots in their dorm for me (since I applied late because yes, even my application was rushed) so until I find a place of my own, they have a new roommate :)
I haven't actually started classes yet but I already have my schedule and they're not that good. I'm happy that my classes are only every Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays but not when it's all from 3 to 9 PM! Yea, my life's story.. Always have a tragic twist but it's all good. The school is helping me find accommodation that's close to the school so I don't have to walk all that far at night.
Newcastle is everything I thought it was gonna be, small, relaxing.. but not this Cold. I'm seriously up to my ears with the cold and it hasn't even snowed through and already it's 0 degrees. Bullocks. But the cold hasn't stopped me from wandering around, seeing the town.. and shopping! Every goddamned store here is on sale since they're clearing it all out from the past year all the more reason for me to think that I was truly destined to be here with al
l the cut off prices, all for me.So it's day 4 for me here and i'm having a blast. Food is surprisingly good (we've been cooking so it still has a Pinoy twist.. we still eat rice!) and people are nice. I'd like to believe that I've already adjusted to the time and the only thing I'm having a difficulty dealing with is the cold.. I'm not even kidding. :)
So today, out of EJ and I's boredom, we're going out.. but don't know where. Hehe. I think we're going to reserve our Harry Potter books (weee!) today, laze through town and be uh, what do you call those? Wild childs. Hehe.
From this day forth, no more congested posts but rather, just day to day reports on my new life half across the globe.
Cheers!
Saturday, January 20, 2007
ticking down
It's 5:08 AM, Philippine time. In about 30 minutes, I have to get up and take a shower. Then 30 minutes after that, I have to get on the car and start making my way to the airport.
Cause in about 7 hours from now, I will be leaving for the UK.
You must all be shocked but no one is more surprised than me. I mean to have gone through EVERYTHING I've had the past couple of weeks and still having this push through.. My, my, my... Aren't I the lucky one. :)
The story of how all this came to be is an epic long and since I don't wanna bore you (actually I'm just tired and a wee bit crabby), let me save that for another day. But as of this moment, I need to rest my head a bit. Need to make sure it's screwed fine.
Wish me luck, you guys. Will grace this site again when I get to Newcastle. Cheers!
Cause in about 7 hours from now, I will be leaving for the UK.
You must all be shocked but no one is more surprised than me. I mean to have gone through EVERYTHING I've had the past couple of weeks and still having this push through.. My, my, my... Aren't I the lucky one. :)
The story of how all this came to be is an epic long and since I don't wanna bore you (actually I'm just tired and a wee bit crabby), let me save that for another day. But as of this moment, I need to rest my head a bit. Need to make sure it's screwed fine.
Wish me luck, you guys. Will grace this site again when I get to Newcastle. Cheers!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Down that Yellow Brick Road
This was an entry at my other blog, dated February 21, 2006. It's been a while since something like this made me smile and as you read along, you'll notice my plans here didn't pull through.. But guess what, it's even better.
I'd just want to share it with you. Read on
I can't open my YM and I’m starting to get pissed! Now I’m crabby. I'm crabby, confused and the farthest thing from feeling peachy. So out of my most generous heart, I’m advising you to scram before I get started on my moving portrayal of "Ces the Persecuted." If you know what's good for you, suggest you hit that red X button right now and surf through friendster or better yet chat via YM cause unlike someone I know, I’m pretty sure you can OPEN yours.
Still there ey? Look mate, I warned ya.
Aside from my computer disaster, my day was... odd. See I overslept, missed my 10:30 class so instead, I met up with EJ and her boyfriend Ed [who's visiting from the UK] and had lunch with them. I still had a 3pm class but was contemplating of skipping it since I wasn't feeling too well but then EJ asked me to entertain Ed while she took her mid terms and being the very good friend that I am, I agreed and even offered to do cartwheels and hand stands which didn't happen because as soon as I got to school, I got shanghaied to a consultation for Northumbria University.
So I talked to these two graduates of North Umbria who certainly knew how to sell their school, my gullibility took over and before you know it I was jumping up and down upon the news that I could leave this September for the UK.
Okay, to those who don’t know, Thames’ foreign degree program allows us, the students, to finish our degrees abroad whether in the UK, Australian, US or
New Zealand. I’m currently under that program studying Mass Communication. How it works is that students take the foundation subjects here for 2 years and they move on to a final year abroad. In my case, although this is only my second term [we’re a trimester college] at Thames, I could finish my required subjects this December but because of today’s consultation, my original plan fizzled out even before I could say Aloha Mora.
After the consultation with the North Umbria people, I talked to the consultant from the University of Portsmouth which I have been eyeing at for quite a while now and it was a thrill to find out that it was so much more than what I’ve been imagining from the Prospectus I’ve been feeding myself with.
It was explained to me that in Portsmouth, I would be looking at a year and a half study period whereas in Northumbria, the most would be a year. As I was weighing these facts, Roy, Portsmouth’s consultant, told me a very interesting insight. He said the problem with kids these days is that we want so badly to get out of school and that’s not a very healthy way of looking at studying. Education is an opportunity, more so an investment which I, being privileged to have this chance have to experience for its entirety. And while it would be much costly to extend at
Portsmouth, the immersion would be the trade off and I’m so sure that’s something I do not want to pass up.
Although nothing is a hundred percent sure [like everything else lately], it looks like I will be bidding the Philippines adieu in 7 months. I have yet to pass my current subjects, cram those I yet have to take and burn all the midnight all I could if only to have this goal materialized. I can only imagine the work in store for me in the next couple of months and well, it’s safe to assume that I will be stripped of my social life very, very soon.
You’re still reading this? Either you’re dead bored or you simply love me. Bahala ka.
After the consultations, I cracked. I was on the brink of panicking with all the new information I had to digest and as I tried harder, all I wanted to do was gag. I was too overwhelmed with everything and I wanted to get my perspectives right and although I knew the clear answer for my sudden burst of outcry, I needed to hear it from someone else and as I headed out of the admin office, I pulled out my phone and messaged Charles which is saying a lot because if you knew me personally, you know I don’t have the habit of texting much more phoning my ex boyfriends but nevertheless, today, I did. And boy am I glad I did.
Charles and I have known each other for years and though it’s only natural that he knows me this well, today just astounded me as to how well he truly can read me. He struck so many chords I didn’t know [or didn’t want to know] were even plugged in. He delivered exactly the things I needed to hear and more. But what touched me was his message after I texted him thank you for his time to which he replied with something like, “it’s always a pleasure talking to you and I’m not just saying that. I’ll back you up whatever decision you make.” And if only for that I’m grateful. If by some miracle you get to read this, thanks. I said it once and I’ll say it again, you don’t know how much I appreciate talking [or having talked] to you.
A lot of doors opened for me today. The once boarded door now seems to be cajoling me to turn the knob to get closer to my dreams. And if there were those that opened, one door slammed itself shut. But that’s for another entry.
As I want to customarily leave you lyrics of a favorite song, I think we’ll broaden that classification a bit. I’ll now leave you with either lines from my favorite songs, or movies or quotes I think is appropriate for the entry’s “theme”. Here goes nothing.
“Life is a one-way street, no matter how many roads you take, none of them would lead you back. So enjoy every moment of your life, remember that nothing ever comes by twice.”
All my love, may the soundest of sleeps visit you all tonight.
I'd just want to share it with you. Read on
I can't open my YM and I’m starting to get pissed! Now I’m crabby. I'm crabby, confused and the farthest thing from feeling peachy. So out of my most generous heart, I’m advising you to scram before I get started on my moving portrayal of "Ces the Persecuted." If you know what's good for you, suggest you hit that red X button right now and surf through friendster or better yet chat via YM cause unlike someone I know, I’m pretty sure you can OPEN yours.
Still there ey? Look mate, I warned ya.
Aside from my computer disaster, my day was... odd. See I overslept, missed my 10:30 class so instead, I met up with EJ and her boyfriend Ed [who's visiting from the UK] and had lunch with them. I still had a 3pm class but was contemplating of skipping it since I wasn't feeling too well but then EJ asked me to entertain Ed while she took her mid terms and being the very good friend that I am, I agreed and even offered to do cartwheels and hand stands which didn't happen because as soon as I got to school, I got shanghaied to a consultation for Northumbria University.
So I talked to these two graduates of North Umbria who certainly knew how to sell their school, my gullibility took over and before you know it I was jumping up and down upon the news that I could leave this September for the UK.
Okay, to those who don’t know, Thames’ foreign degree program allows us, the students, to finish our degrees abroad whether in the UK, Australian, US or
New Zealand. I’m currently under that program studying Mass Communication. How it works is that students take the foundation subjects here for 2 years and they move on to a final year abroad. In my case, although this is only my second term [we’re a trimester college] at Thames, I could finish my required subjects this December but because of today’s consultation, my original plan fizzled out even before I could say Aloha Mora.
After the consultation with the North Umbria people, I talked to the consultant from the University of Portsmouth which I have been eyeing at for quite a while now and it was a thrill to find out that it was so much more than what I’ve been imagining from the Prospectus I’ve been feeding myself with.
It was explained to me that in Portsmouth, I would be looking at a year and a half study period whereas in Northumbria, the most would be a year. As I was weighing these facts, Roy, Portsmouth’s consultant, told me a very interesting insight. He said the problem with kids these days is that we want so badly to get out of school and that’s not a very healthy way of looking at studying. Education is an opportunity, more so an investment which I, being privileged to have this chance have to experience for its entirety. And while it would be much costly to extend at
Portsmouth, the immersion would be the trade off and I’m so sure that’s something I do not want to pass up.
Although nothing is a hundred percent sure [like everything else lately], it looks like I will be bidding the Philippines adieu in 7 months. I have yet to pass my current subjects, cram those I yet have to take and burn all the midnight all I could if only to have this goal materialized. I can only imagine the work in store for me in the next couple of months and well, it’s safe to assume that I will be stripped of my social life very, very soon.
You’re still reading this? Either you’re dead bored or you simply love me. Bahala ka.
After the consultations, I cracked. I was on the brink of panicking with all the new information I had to digest and as I tried harder, all I wanted to do was gag. I was too overwhelmed with everything and I wanted to get my perspectives right and although I knew the clear answer for my sudden burst of outcry, I needed to hear it from someone else and as I headed out of the admin office, I pulled out my phone and messaged Charles which is saying a lot because if you knew me personally, you know I don’t have the habit of texting much more phoning my ex boyfriends but nevertheless, today, I did. And boy am I glad I did.
Charles and I have known each other for years and though it’s only natural that he knows me this well, today just astounded me as to how well he truly can read me. He struck so many chords I didn’t know [or didn’t want to know] were even plugged in. He delivered exactly the things I needed to hear and more. But what touched me was his message after I texted him thank you for his time to which he replied with something like, “it’s always a pleasure talking to you and I’m not just saying that. I’ll back you up whatever decision you make.” And if only for that I’m grateful. If by some miracle you get to read this, thanks. I said it once and I’ll say it again, you don’t know how much I appreciate talking [or having talked] to you.
A lot of doors opened for me today. The once boarded door now seems to be cajoling me to turn the knob to get closer to my dreams. And if there were those that opened, one door slammed itself shut. But that’s for another entry.
As I want to customarily leave you lyrics of a favorite song, I think we’ll broaden that classification a bit. I’ll now leave you with either lines from my favorite songs, or movies or quotes I think is appropriate for the entry’s “theme”. Here goes nothing.
“Life is a one-way street, no matter how many roads you take, none of them would lead you back. So enjoy every moment of your life, remember that nothing ever comes by twice.”
All my love, may the soundest of sleeps visit you all tonight.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
The Chips have Fallen
The past 2 weeks has been nothing but stressful. Erratic does not even come close to how dicey my days have been and for a while, I was worrying like a madwoman but well, I guess I am in a lot of ways, mad.
I haven’t exactly been telling people this but with how unreliable good ol’ fate has been, allow me to share.
I am waiting for my student visa from the highnesses of the British Embassy. It’s been closely 2 weeks and still nothing. How this happened is a long story for yet another day (I am clearly not in the reminiscent mood right now so) but it’s Thursday and I don’t know how anymore spontaneous all this is going to get but I am undeniably, royally pissed.
Pissed at the crack-pot system they’re trying to pull. Pissed at people who parade all knowing and all nice yet the interior is such a waste, rotting even. And... Pissed at myself for allowing all of this nonsense to bother me.
To be perfectly honest, I have gotten over the fact that some people are just damn too childish. Their immaturity baffles me and to prove what? That they’re all that and whoever they think isn’t will perish and die a terrible death? How sad, how very, very sad. After all this time, they somehow managed to whip up some incredulous story bull to justify their infantile behavior. It’s a never ending pursuit of “let’s be cool” for them and mind you, what they have digested within their systems is so not good. Not good at all.
All those time now seems a waste. I mean I’m over it, I’m over them but I don’t think things will ever be the same again. They crumbled from within and no matter who much I wanted to pull them out, help them if at all, they were too proud to reach out.
So now begins another chapter in my life, a life with the people who truly loves, cares and appreciates the person that is me. I have shunned them for a while, knowing they’d always be there and now, it’s high time I provide them that same comforting disposition.
Over the past weeks, in my quest to keep my sanity from the eeriness of my visa result gone whacko, I have been put to place by friends. Old friends who still manage to always pick up where we last set off. Friends, who through the years, I know, will still bear the same smiles and give the same warm embraces as they’ve always done.
I am now certain that everyone come in your life for a reason. There are those who will hurt you, cut your heart open, can leave you in your most deplorable state but also, there will always be those who will come and stitch you right back, making you oh so brand new.
I have had my share of those, mostly of the former kind but it is in the few kinds of the latter friends that breathes inspiration within me. I am who I am because of the people who truly understand, love and accept me despite and in spite of everything.
I’ve had next to terrible mistakes in my lifetime but having them around makes me feel that I must have done something right to deserve such friends like them.
I’ve had so much crap and shit in my life but whenever I think of how amazingly supportive my family has been, how sincere my friends were all these years, I can’t help but feel grateful.
May God bless those who have been patient and loving and caring and considerate of me throughout the many battles I’ve had in my life. For the beautiful gifts of your friendship and your blessings of compassion and trust, thank you.
You all know who you are.
I haven’t exactly been telling people this but with how unreliable good ol’ fate has been, allow me to share.
I am waiting for my student visa from the highnesses of the British Embassy. It’s been closely 2 weeks and still nothing. How this happened is a long story for yet another day (I am clearly not in the reminiscent mood right now so) but it’s Thursday and I don’t know how anymore spontaneous all this is going to get but I am undeniably, royally pissed.
Pissed at the crack-pot system they’re trying to pull. Pissed at people who parade all knowing and all nice yet the interior is such a waste, rotting even. And... Pissed at myself for allowing all of this nonsense to bother me.
To be perfectly honest, I have gotten over the fact that some people are just damn too childish. Their immaturity baffles me and to prove what? That they’re all that and whoever they think isn’t will perish and die a terrible death? How sad, how very, very sad. After all this time, they somehow managed to whip up some incredulous story bull to justify their infantile behavior. It’s a never ending pursuit of “let’s be cool” for them and mind you, what they have digested within their systems is so not good. Not good at all.
All those time now seems a waste. I mean I’m over it, I’m over them but I don’t think things will ever be the same again. They crumbled from within and no matter who much I wanted to pull them out, help them if at all, they were too proud to reach out.
So now begins another chapter in my life, a life with the people who truly loves, cares and appreciates the person that is me. I have shunned them for a while, knowing they’d always be there and now, it’s high time I provide them that same comforting disposition.
Over the past weeks, in my quest to keep my sanity from the eeriness of my visa result gone whacko, I have been put to place by friends. Old friends who still manage to always pick up where we last set off. Friends, who through the years, I know, will still bear the same smiles and give the same warm embraces as they’ve always done.
I am now certain that everyone come in your life for a reason. There are those who will hurt you, cut your heart open, can leave you in your most deplorable state but also, there will always be those who will come and stitch you right back, making you oh so brand new.
I have had my share of those, mostly of the former kind but it is in the few kinds of the latter friends that breathes inspiration within me. I am who I am because of the people who truly understand, love and accept me despite and in spite of everything.
I’ve had next to terrible mistakes in my lifetime but having them around makes me feel that I must have done something right to deserve such friends like them.
I’ve had so much crap and shit in my life but whenever I think of how amazingly supportive my family has been, how sincere my friends were all these years, I can’t help but feel grateful.
May God bless those who have been patient and loving and caring and considerate of me throughout the many battles I’ve had in my life. For the beautiful gifts of your friendship and your blessings of compassion and trust, thank you.
You all know who you are.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
All We Need
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
But I also can't imagine life without it.
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
But I also can't imagine life without it.
Heads or Tails
I woke up today with a seering pain in my head and the heaviest heart. As the sun slowly slid into presence, wide awake that I was, it dawned on me how uncannily random my life is. Stuff just keeps happening and just how bizzare they can get will amaze anyone who'd sit and listen.
My life has had such oddball situations that I play back during moments of temporary dullness and they happen to be pretty entertaining and it never fails to astonish me at how much i've had on my plate.
I'm 21.. Only 21.
I am all for fate having been set even before we were born; I believe that the cosmos have sealed into forever how my life will be but come on.. You gotta give me something here. A clue, a sign, something solid to rest my head against. Something.
Anything.
My life has been illuminated by experiences and people worth mentioning. I had a wonderful childhood, a childhood that wasn't quite a childhood since I had to grow up fast. I had to drill certain things in my head not quite fit for an 8 year old. I had to be my own mom and dad while being the "kid" I was and it wasn't easy. But looking back, I don't think I would want it any other way.
I had a blessed, good life full of people who have somehow proved to me that I was a good person only because I deserved their love. I think the escapades i've had has made my life come full circle in a lot of ways and I trust that it can only get better.
But here and now again, I am back in that trance-like state where I am befuddled and in sheer agony as to what and how my life will unfold.
I was telling a friend just now how much of a coin I feel right now. A coin geared up to be flipped and in a single flick, my life will turn a good 360 degrees. A big part of me can't help but feel agitated to be stuck in this limbo but I know He has His reasons. It's His call and I sincerely leave it up to Him.
No one would know how to engineer my life better than He does and I know whatever His Final Say will be, it's all for the best.
*prayers will be appreciated
My life has had such oddball situations that I play back during moments of temporary dullness and they happen to be pretty entertaining and it never fails to astonish me at how much i've had on my plate.
I'm 21.. Only 21.
I am all for fate having been set even before we were born; I believe that the cosmos have sealed into forever how my life will be but come on.. You gotta give me something here. A clue, a sign, something solid to rest my head against. Something.
Anything.
My life has been illuminated by experiences and people worth mentioning. I had a wonderful childhood, a childhood that wasn't quite a childhood since I had to grow up fast. I had to drill certain things in my head not quite fit for an 8 year old. I had to be my own mom and dad while being the "kid" I was and it wasn't easy. But looking back, I don't think I would want it any other way.
I had a blessed, good life full of people who have somehow proved to me that I was a good person only because I deserved their love. I think the escapades i've had has made my life come full circle in a lot of ways and I trust that it can only get better.
But here and now again, I am back in that trance-like state where I am befuddled and in sheer agony as to what and how my life will unfold.
I was telling a friend just now how much of a coin I feel right now. A coin geared up to be flipped and in a single flick, my life will turn a good 360 degrees. A big part of me can't help but feel agitated to be stuck in this limbo but I know He has His reasons. It's His call and I sincerely leave it up to Him.
No one would know how to engineer my life better than He does and I know whatever His Final Say will be, it's all for the best.
*prayers will be appreciated
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
and the countdown begins.. 6.
It's 6 days til Christmas and I can't feel the goddamned thing.. err season. Or spirit.
Anyway.
Back in Manila after a 6 day Malaysian gettaway. I guess it does do you good. To get away. Perspectives are definitely clearer now. Now to act on them. *sigh*
I'll be giving a full account to the Heroes Conference I attended soon, just not in the mood.
Ciao.
Anyway.
Back in Manila after a 6 day Malaysian gettaway. I guess it does do you good. To get away. Perspectives are definitely clearer now. Now to act on them. *sigh*
I'll be giving a full account to the Heroes Conference I attended soon, just not in the mood.
Ciao.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Ta-ta Malaysia!
Last day at the Heroes Conference.
Last day in Malaysia.
But Singapore is still waiting for me.
Last day out of my country.
See you tomorrow, Philippines.
Last day in Malaysia.
But Singapore is still waiting for me.
Last day out of my country.
See you tomorrow, Philippines.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Hundred days and counting
It's always suprising how things turned the way they did. Everything still feels new, surreal. Like.. Magic. And I know despite and inspite of everything, it can only get better.
I pray that we keep looking at the same direction, together. Happy 100 days sweetness. :-)
Thursday, November 16, 2006
When Lightning Strikes
An excerpt from (one of my favorite movies) Meet Joe Black.
" I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike"
I honestly believe that lightning has struck.. hitting me. Hard.
" I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike"
I honestly believe that lightning has struck.. hitting me. Hard.
From Matot to Boknoy
I have lived a life that would make the spanish & korean population, proud. Yes, it's a lot like a telenovela (soap opera). Complete with unconventional & one-of-a-kind undertakings, circumstances (and castings) that often made me feel persecuted, an assemblage of people who wildly cheered me on as I fought the bad guys & an array of uber-ly cheesy songs to cap off momentous memories I've had.
And in true telenovela fashion, my love life has had its share of interesting twists, tumbles & turns. While a handful of episodes should be devoted for the love stories I've had, only one is truly worthy for telecast. And as every lead character eventually finds her dashing leading man, I think I've also found mine. But unlike the happy endings most telenovelas have, I do not know how mine will end.
But there is one thing I am sure of. I love him. That no matter how I think about it, I'm happiest with him & that in my hearts of hearts, I hope and I pray that my happy ending will be with him.
.. Yes, it doesn't get much cheesy than that but what can I say, I love the guy. Inspite and Despite everything, I wake up each morning thinking (and knowing) just how lucky I am to have a man who's made me understand what loving was about.
And in true telenovela fashion, my love life has had its share of interesting twists, tumbles & turns. While a handful of episodes should be devoted for the love stories I've had, only one is truly worthy for telecast. And as every lead character eventually finds her dashing leading man, I think I've also found mine. But unlike the happy endings most telenovelas have, I do not know how mine will end.
But there is one thing I am sure of. I love him. That no matter how I think about it, I'm happiest with him & that in my hearts of hearts, I hope and I pray that my happy ending will be with him.
.. Yes, it doesn't get much cheesy than that but what can I say, I love the guy. Inspite and Despite everything, I wake up each morning thinking (and knowing) just how lucky I am to have a man who's made me understand what loving was about.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Wonderful Life
I have been feeling low for quite a while now. I often get mocked for pouting too much and too often and it does get to me, I just didn't really mind. I was dealing with quite a lot and at that time, I thought I had earned the right to be sullen and keep a dark aura but thank God for miracles. I am now a whole lot better.
For one, I get to crack jokes now and I see myself smiling now.. Something I haven't done for quite a while now. And it felt good, it felt good to have now allowed myself to feel good. I realize that I have been holding back such good emotions. I'm not yet back to the perenially giddy Ces but I can feel her presence sprouting out every once in a while and for now, that's about as good as it gets.
I got a phone call from one of my oldest friends tonight. We ended up chatting about how we used to daydream about our future boyfriends. Of course back then hers was our neighbor and mine was Joshua Jackson (think Mighty Ducks). We had all these rules about not letting our boyfriends take each others' place and that they should be good friends as well. Looking back it was all pretty shallow. Shallow but definitely sweet. I am now reminded of all those childish idealisms I had as a kid and somehow I missed how naive I was to the whole concept of love, let alone of the world.
Love to me back then was larger than life. It was on a pedestal and for a long time I vowed never to mess with it. I swore that my first boyfriend would be my last and that love would come when I am fully prepared. And somehow I think I tried my damndest to stick to that rule given that I was 16 (turning 17) when I had my first boyfriend. I had a fair share of suitors that sprung back to the 3rd grade but things then were just too childish. When I entered High School, I didn't really mind the boys. I dotted on them like brothers and even if most of the friends I had ended up courting me, I didn't really think much about dating and the whole boyfriend thing.
And then I got bored with the whole concept I had of love. It was mostly due to peer pressure that I finally decided to take on a boyfriend. He was a schoolmate and though I'd hate to admit it, I dated him out of curiousity and well, convenience. It was a cruel thing to do but admittedly, I took on it as an experiment. I basically wanted to know how it was to have a boyfriend in HS. That relationship caused me a lot of troubles but we made it through a year. But by the end of that year, I had to fight it out with him to let me go. He was clearly NOT the man I wanted to be with. T
Ta-da! There goes my dream.
I had 3 other boyfriends after that guy but all of them didn't cut it. They are all good guys, I'm sure but none of them had what it took to actually make me look further into the future to see if there was anything there worth seeing. I learned a lot from my past relationships and although all ended quite unfortunately, I do not regret having those guys in my life. They made me realize so much about the world and made me recognize myself even more. There were next to horrible stuff but there were those I still smile about til now.
Love has had a new meaning since my last relationship over a year ago. I definitely developed a much deeper and more mature understanding of what Love should really be like. I still have a lot of floating questions stocked in my brain but these are questions I look forward to understanding by means of experiencing the real deal.
My friends all know how bitter and cynical I have been for a while. They all know of my horrid love-o-rama in the past and somehow they just let me be (knowing full well that they can't really stop me, hehehe). It was only recently that I somehow saw a light in that somehow bleak sction of my life. Things gradually started to change and so much has now been added to my love-o-nary. It does pay to truly be inlove.
Yes, I'm inlove.
It took me (us, rather) a long time to get here. It was a long, winding and explicitly deceiving road that we had to trek before finding our way to each others arms but alas, we made it. No matter how we try to think back, recall and rewind how our lives finally intersected, I can't explain how good I feel about all this right now. I finally found someone who would fight tooth and nail, just to see me smile. There had been times when I doubted all of this, maybe it was too good to be true but when a storm came our way (literally and figuratively), I knew that this isn't one of "those things" anymore. This was definitely for keeps.
My bestfriend Kae had but one advice on finding true love ever since the day she found hers. She always reminded me how important it was to find someone who sees your pain despite the smiles and someone who'd feel your happiness despite the tears. Same goes with my Mom.. You see I have the coolest mother in the world. That whole generation gap never posed a problem for us despite the 37 (light) years between us, she somehow always understood me and what I was about. I tell her everything and I know that has been the one great fuel in our amazing relationship. Despite not seeing her in over 9 months, she knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me and has been completely been the bestest friend I've ever had. I know that I have hurt my mom along the way with most of my decisions and behaviors in the past but she has never failed to make me feel that there's nothing she won't understand. There are even times when she would be candid with her pieces of advice over overly serious matters and whenever I'd ask why she's being so calm and even humurous about everything, she'd simply say, "I trust that you know what you're doing kaya pinapatawa na lan kita". (I trust that you know what you're doing so there's nothing left for me to do than cheer you up)
I have a great bestfriend and an even more amazing mother so for a long time there really wasn't anything or anyone I could have possibly hoped for. But then little did I know, I would be blessed with someone who honestly saw my tears through the rain and would patiently (painstakingly and relentlessly) await for my smile every single day.
There are days when I feel like the world has turned its back on me and that the sky has chosen to fall on me, leaving me flat-faced on the ground. I most of the time end up ranting and crying in vain but then after all the temper tantrums, I manage some quite time for myself and memories flood my thoughts. And it's always these three people who crowd my head and suddenly... Life doesn't seem so bad anymore.
For one, I get to crack jokes now and I see myself smiling now.. Something I haven't done for quite a while now. And it felt good, it felt good to have now allowed myself to feel good. I realize that I have been holding back such good emotions. I'm not yet back to the perenially giddy Ces but I can feel her presence sprouting out every once in a while and for now, that's about as good as it gets.
I got a phone call from one of my oldest friends tonight. We ended up chatting about how we used to daydream about our future boyfriends. Of course back then hers was our neighbor and mine was Joshua Jackson (think Mighty Ducks). We had all these rules about not letting our boyfriends take each others' place and that they should be good friends as well. Looking back it was all pretty shallow. Shallow but definitely sweet. I am now reminded of all those childish idealisms I had as a kid and somehow I missed how naive I was to the whole concept of love, let alone of the world.
Love to me back then was larger than life. It was on a pedestal and for a long time I vowed never to mess with it. I swore that my first boyfriend would be my last and that love would come when I am fully prepared. And somehow I think I tried my damndest to stick to that rule given that I was 16 (turning 17) when I had my first boyfriend. I had a fair share of suitors that sprung back to the 3rd grade but things then were just too childish. When I entered High School, I didn't really mind the boys. I dotted on them like brothers and even if most of the friends I had ended up courting me, I didn't really think much about dating and the whole boyfriend thing.
And then I got bored with the whole concept I had of love. It was mostly due to peer pressure that I finally decided to take on a boyfriend. He was a schoolmate and though I'd hate to admit it, I dated him out of curiousity and well, convenience. It was a cruel thing to do but admittedly, I took on it as an experiment. I basically wanted to know how it was to have a boyfriend in HS. That relationship caused me a lot of troubles but we made it through a year. But by the end of that year, I had to fight it out with him to let me go. He was clearly NOT the man I wanted to be with. T
Ta-da! There goes my dream.
I had 3 other boyfriends after that guy but all of them didn't cut it. They are all good guys, I'm sure but none of them had what it took to actually make me look further into the future to see if there was anything there worth seeing. I learned a lot from my past relationships and although all ended quite unfortunately, I do not regret having those guys in my life. They made me realize so much about the world and made me recognize myself even more. There were next to horrible stuff but there were those I still smile about til now.
Love has had a new meaning since my last relationship over a year ago. I definitely developed a much deeper and more mature understanding of what Love should really be like. I still have a lot of floating questions stocked in my brain but these are questions I look forward to understanding by means of experiencing the real deal.
My friends all know how bitter and cynical I have been for a while. They all know of my horrid love-o-rama in the past and somehow they just let me be (knowing full well that they can't really stop me, hehehe). It was only recently that I somehow saw a light in that somehow bleak sction of my life. Things gradually started to change and so much has now been added to my love-o-nary. It does pay to truly be inlove.
Yes, I'm inlove.
It took me (us, rather) a long time to get here. It was a long, winding and explicitly deceiving road that we had to trek before finding our way to each others arms but alas, we made it. No matter how we try to think back, recall and rewind how our lives finally intersected, I can't explain how good I feel about all this right now. I finally found someone who would fight tooth and nail, just to see me smile. There had been times when I doubted all of this, maybe it was too good to be true but when a storm came our way (literally and figuratively), I knew that this isn't one of "those things" anymore. This was definitely for keeps.
My bestfriend Kae had but one advice on finding true love ever since the day she found hers. She always reminded me how important it was to find someone who sees your pain despite the smiles and someone who'd feel your happiness despite the tears. Same goes with my Mom.. You see I have the coolest mother in the world. That whole generation gap never posed a problem for us despite the 37 (light) years between us, she somehow always understood me and what I was about. I tell her everything and I know that has been the one great fuel in our amazing relationship. Despite not seeing her in over 9 months, she knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me and has been completely been the bestest friend I've ever had. I know that I have hurt my mom along the way with most of my decisions and behaviors in the past but she has never failed to make me feel that there's nothing she won't understand. There are even times when she would be candid with her pieces of advice over overly serious matters and whenever I'd ask why she's being so calm and even humurous about everything, she'd simply say, "I trust that you know what you're doing kaya pinapatawa na lan kita". (I trust that you know what you're doing so there's nothing left for me to do than cheer you up)
I have a great bestfriend and an even more amazing mother so for a long time there really wasn't anything or anyone I could have possibly hoped for. But then little did I know, I would be blessed with someone who honestly saw my tears through the rain and would patiently (painstakingly and relentlessly) await for my smile every single day.
There are days when I feel like the world has turned its back on me and that the sky has chosen to fall on me, leaving me flat-faced on the ground. I most of the time end up ranting and crying in vain but then after all the temper tantrums, I manage some quite time for myself and memories flood my thoughts. And it's always these three people who crowd my head and suddenly... Life doesn't seem so bad anymore.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Questions and more questions
I turned 21 exactly 38 days ago and all of a sudden I'm now a grown up. It feels weird hearing that right now remembering those younger days when I used to mock anyone older than 18. It baffles me that now that I'm actually 'of age' to do all those things I dreamed about when I was younger (scoring all those nights out partying) seem like a big joke to me now. I mean don't get me wrong, partying is fun and it's you know.. fun, but just not for me. I tried it, back when I was a freshman in college and found that I had no use for it. Didn't see the sense in being in a ridiculously crowded bar full of dangerously intoxicated people who are capable of doing but 3 things; grope you, throw up on you or pass out right in front of you. And I don't think any of those are ever appealing.
Looking back at the past year, I seriously can't complain. The people I've met, the places I've been and the memories I've had are but proofs of how much my life has been one hell of a party. It was crowded with people who had natural desires to change the world and was intoxicated with the passion to keep fighting for a cause. I lived a life that magnified the cruelty of the world and highlighted how apathy for most people was more than a word but a lifestyle. I came to an understanding that no matter how young I am and old I eventually get, the world will not stop and wait til I decide to do something. I don't pretend to know how to heal the world but I do know how to heal myself and right now I don't think there's anywhere else I should start at but there. With myself.
I am now faced with the decision of my life and I am plagued with so many questions. I feel a thundering question mark being pounded onto my head. Confused is an understatement as to what to do. I know what I should do and I know what I have to do but somehow I feel so torn.. So scared that I may not do what's best. Scared to disappoint those around me, scared to fall short on my dreams. God knows how much dreams I have and I am at that point where one false move can break me good.
I am now resorting to making a pro-con list only because I am so lost now that I need all the reaffirmation I can get. But beyond all this, despite the current questions I seem to never get a rest from, let me assure everyone (especially those who got alarmed with my last entry) that I, am okay. Things have definitely turned around and my used to be downtrodden heart is beating quite happily now. I'm very happy and I know this can only be for keeps.
As for all the questions I've been bombarded with, I know that given time and His grace, I'll get my answer and my view will finally clear out.
Looking back at the past year, I seriously can't complain. The people I've met, the places I've been and the memories I've had are but proofs of how much my life has been one hell of a party. It was crowded with people who had natural desires to change the world and was intoxicated with the passion to keep fighting for a cause. I lived a life that magnified the cruelty of the world and highlighted how apathy for most people was more than a word but a lifestyle. I came to an understanding that no matter how young I am and old I eventually get, the world will not stop and wait til I decide to do something. I don't pretend to know how to heal the world but I do know how to heal myself and right now I don't think there's anywhere else I should start at but there. With myself.
I am now faced with the decision of my life and I am plagued with so many questions. I feel a thundering question mark being pounded onto my head. Confused is an understatement as to what to do. I know what I should do and I know what I have to do but somehow I feel so torn.. So scared that I may not do what's best. Scared to disappoint those around me, scared to fall short on my dreams. God knows how much dreams I have and I am at that point where one false move can break me good.
I am now resorting to making a pro-con list only because I am so lost now that I need all the reaffirmation I can get. But beyond all this, despite the current questions I seem to never get a rest from, let me assure everyone (especially those who got alarmed with my last entry) that I, am okay. Things have definitely turned around and my used to be downtrodden heart is beating quite happily now. I'm very happy and I know this can only be for keeps.
As for all the questions I've been bombarded with, I know that given time and His grace, I'll get my answer and my view will finally clear out.
Monday, October 16, 2006
All Grown Up
I have been struggling to post something here for days now. Been trying but all I've managed to do was stare blankly at the screen only to realize my PC has gone on hibernation and even when I forced (and bribed) myself to write anything, I couldn't. It could be that I just didn't feel like it or that I knew deep down, I could never transcribe how I was truly feeling. There are just certain emotions, not so pleasant ones burbling up inside just waiting to explode and God knows that's the last thing I want to happen.
The past 2 weeks has been difficult, very difficult. A lot of things have changed. My view on certain things, how I define certain things, how I carry myself, how I treat myself, my priorities have shifted, my goals have doubled, my eating habits have changed, heck even my wardrobe now's different. I have welcomed all the changes and took all of them in without even checking to see if it really alright with me. I saw how so much people were buying all the 'alterations' and 'tweakings'in my life and for most of the time I felt I did too. Now I'm not saying I don't and that I regret ever dipping my toes on these changes but I hope I could have consulted with myself more.
I have definitely grown up so much in the last couple of weeks and I'm glad cause I sure as hell needed it but for some reason I'm looking for that added slant in my growth that I somehow missed out on. That slant of redifining myself and not actually changing Ces. I found that I missed the old me, the Ces who was perpetually smiling and giddy, the Ces who found amusement in the most mundane things, the Ces who went on outrageous adventures with friends, the Ces who shopped for everyone but herself, the Ces who would stay up for impossible hours to read and read and read, the Ces who could weave actual literature, the Ces who would burst out singing in the middle of the day simply because I felt like it, the Ces who would drop everything with a mere text from a friend, the Ces who would end up staying out for hours hopping from one 'meet up' with a friend to the next, the Ces who pigged out for no apparent reason, the Ces who seemed to be everyone's life coach, the Ces who devoted Sunday for family, the Ces who made spoke her mind, the Ces who followed her gut and the tug of her heart.. the Ces who was fearless and took on challenges like a pro. I miss the Ces who had the heart of a kid and the soul of an adult.
These days, I'm mocked for pouting 95% of the time, I get irritated by the mere sight of anything silly, I'd chicken out of roadtrips because of having 'better things to do', I hardly get to shop due to lack of time, I don't think I've picked up a book or a newspaper in the last 6 months (which is kinda like forever to me), I can't even compose a single blog entry, I stop myself from singing midway either because I had other things to do or simply felt stupid about it, I can now count in one hand the last time I have actually talked to my friends, the Ces who now eats twice a day, the Ces who doesn't have time to sit down, lend an ear and hear somebody out, the Ces who hasn't seen her mom in over 8 months, I now think twice before opening my mouth, I now have little voices in my head who I preferred to listen to than my own, I now backle and at times back down by the mere sight of chaos.. I feel tired now, tired with what I'm doing and losing that needed exuberance to keep doing what I'm doing.
This has all got to stop.
The past 2 weeks has been difficult, very difficult. A lot of things have changed. My view on certain things, how I define certain things, how I carry myself, how I treat myself, my priorities have shifted, my goals have doubled, my eating habits have changed, heck even my wardrobe now's different. I have welcomed all the changes and took all of them in without even checking to see if it really alright with me. I saw how so much people were buying all the 'alterations' and 'tweakings'in my life and for most of the time I felt I did too. Now I'm not saying I don't and that I regret ever dipping my toes on these changes but I hope I could have consulted with myself more.
I have definitely grown up so much in the last couple of weeks and I'm glad cause I sure as hell needed it but for some reason I'm looking for that added slant in my growth that I somehow missed out on. That slant of redifining myself and not actually changing Ces. I found that I missed the old me, the Ces who was perpetually smiling and giddy, the Ces who found amusement in the most mundane things, the Ces who went on outrageous adventures with friends, the Ces who shopped for everyone but herself, the Ces who would stay up for impossible hours to read and read and read, the Ces who could weave actual literature, the Ces who would burst out singing in the middle of the day simply because I felt like it, the Ces who would drop everything with a mere text from a friend, the Ces who would end up staying out for hours hopping from one 'meet up' with a friend to the next, the Ces who pigged out for no apparent reason, the Ces who seemed to be everyone's life coach, the Ces who devoted Sunday for family, the Ces who made spoke her mind, the Ces who followed her gut and the tug of her heart.. the Ces who was fearless and took on challenges like a pro. I miss the Ces who had the heart of a kid and the soul of an adult.
These days, I'm mocked for pouting 95% of the time, I get irritated by the mere sight of anything silly, I'd chicken out of roadtrips because of having 'better things to do', I hardly get to shop due to lack of time, I don't think I've picked up a book or a newspaper in the last 6 months (which is kinda like forever to me), I can't even compose a single blog entry, I stop myself from singing midway either because I had other things to do or simply felt stupid about it, I can now count in one hand the last time I have actually talked to my friends, the Ces who now eats twice a day, the Ces who doesn't have time to sit down, lend an ear and hear somebody out, the Ces who hasn't seen her mom in over 8 months, I now think twice before opening my mouth, I now have little voices in my head who I preferred to listen to than my own, I now backle and at times back down by the mere sight of chaos.. I feel tired now, tired with what I'm doing and losing that needed exuberance to keep doing what I'm doing.
This has all got to stop.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
All in the Gut
There are things you know by gut. I have always had that "power". My intuition almost never fails me but that's not always such a good thing. Especially if it harbors paranoia.
More often than not, I sense things out of random occurances and end up kicking myself straight up for not even doing anything about it. It kills me to think that I can still snob some of these feelings when I know very well they could and might be accurate.
I hate it when i'm right. Ugh. And now that I am once more bombarded by gut feels that are starting to agitate me, I'll keep on praying that for once, they could be wrong.
More often than not, I sense things out of random occurances and end up kicking myself straight up for not even doing anything about it. It kills me to think that I can still snob some of these feelings when I know very well they could and might be accurate.
I hate it when i'm right. Ugh. And now that I am once more bombarded by gut feels that are starting to agitate me, I'll keep on praying that for once, they could be wrong.
Monday, October 02, 2006
My birthday Miracle
Surprises never work with me. I always find out even before the actual surprise and I never thought I would ever enjoy a real surprise party.. But today, I did.
My birthday, as you might have read in my earlier posts, fell on the same day that horrid storm decided to dawn in my beloved Manila. The damage it caused and left us was immeasurable and as I dragged on the day and days after that, I had so much growth. I grew up all of a sudden, I steadied in, I became okay and just when I thought things couldn't get any better, my friends decided to give me a surprise birthday "party".
I was out with JP the whole day and when class time finally rolled in (4:30 pm, yes only one class every M,W), we went to school. He was asking me if we could drop by Halmen's office but I was rushing to get to class as we were late and when we got to the classroom, none of my friends were there. But we had a test so I didn't really have time to look for them. As I was standing up and asking paper from my classmate, my friends came in, adorned with cake, balloons and their very loud rendition of Happy Birthday. I was shocked that they actually disrupted a class, a test at that. Good thing my teacher was nice and he didn't really mind.
They are certainly the gifts I believe God gave me for my birthday. This day is very symbolic. A lot happened today that only made me love my life even more. All the past hurts, disappointments and sadness got washed away and I'm happy to report i'm now happier than ever.
JP, Max, Hal, Cathy, Mommy Gretz, Daddy Rap, Kelvin, Renz, Niko, Angelica, John and the rest, THANK YOU. For making my 21st birthday the memorable experience that it was. I am so blessed to have known each of you and to be able to call you guys friends. My heart goes out to each of you. You have NO IDEA how happy you have made me feel. I now know I'm loved way more than I ever thought I was.
My heart is so full right now that i'm smiling so hard my face hurts and i'm blushing so hard the sky's turning red. You guys make my heart sing and my eyes to forever sparkle.
When Manila was being stormed down last Thursday, my real birthday, I kept praying to make the coming year good, better if He can allow it. And now, after today, I know it won't be just good or better... It's going to be INCREDIBLY AMAZING.
My birthday, as you might have read in my earlier posts, fell on the same day that horrid storm decided to dawn in my beloved Manila. The damage it caused and left us was immeasurable and as I dragged on the day and days after that, I had so much growth. I grew up all of a sudden, I steadied in, I became okay and just when I thought things couldn't get any better, my friends decided to give me a surprise birthday "party".
I was out with JP the whole day and when class time finally rolled in (4:30 pm, yes only one class every M,W), we went to school. He was asking me if we could drop by Halmen's office but I was rushing to get to class as we were late and when we got to the classroom, none of my friends were there. But we had a test so I didn't really have time to look for them. As I was standing up and asking paper from my classmate, my friends came in, adorned with cake, balloons and their very loud rendition of Happy Birthday. I was shocked that they actually disrupted a class, a test at that. Good thing my teacher was nice and he didn't really mind.
They are certainly the gifts I believe God gave me for my birthday. This day is very symbolic. A lot happened today that only made me love my life even more. All the past hurts, disappointments and sadness got washed away and I'm happy to report i'm now happier than ever.
JP, Max, Hal, Cathy, Mommy Gretz, Daddy Rap, Kelvin, Renz, Niko, Angelica, John and the rest, THANK YOU. For making my 21st birthday the memorable experience that it was. I am so blessed to have known each of you and to be able to call you guys friends. My heart goes out to each of you. You have NO IDEA how happy you have made me feel. I now know I'm loved way more than I ever thought I was.
My heart is so full right now that i'm smiling so hard my face hurts and i'm blushing so hard the sky's turning red. You guys make my heart sing and my eyes to forever sparkle.
When Manila was being stormed down last Thursday, my real birthday, I kept praying to make the coming year good, better if He can allow it. And now, after today, I know it won't be just good or better... It's going to be INCREDIBLY AMAZING.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Love Blog-tionary
My heart feels full. It feels bloated, if it's at all allowed to be and feel that way. Hehe. But it is and weirdly enough, I feel good.
I have been in an emotional limbo since my birthday. I have been plagued by a massive amount of unnecessary questions and confusions that only got me from bad to worse. I had a freak episode this morning (think dawn) and I realized just now how totally involved I am at this war I am "fighting".
Then I heard mass, prayed my heart out and God delivered like He always does. My blotch-filled lenses are now crystal clear, I can see clearly now. God gave me the gift to understand and accept the things that I have been resisting since yesterday. He gave me the grace to forgive and love myself despite of myself. That sounds funny but there it is. I proved something else tonight.. That I am inlove and I am inlove enough to let God plan out what He wants to do with the rest of this particular love story. I gave Him back the pen and surrendered the parchment. I know He of all would know how my love story should be like.
I once heard (or read) that Love is like a butterfly. You'll never catch it even if you try running after it. Instead sit back and wait because once it's ready, it will gently land on your palm. So now, I'm opening my hand and as I watch it flutter away from me, for sure a tear will slide but I know I have done the greatest expression of love and that is being genuinely happy even if he has chosen to flutter away. In more ways than one, it's tricky to accept how things have unravelled. It's proving to be a battle within myself and I just pray that my armor is suited enough for this fight of a lifetime.. But this time, this fight will be bloodless, swordless and hate-free. It will be silent. And still and full of understanding. This battle will only have me on the field, sitting upright and patiently waiting until my buttefly chooses to land on my palm once again. I'm just glad that as I wait, I have my fellow princesses awaiting for their Princes to come as well.
For days now, my friend Max and I have been exchanging messages on her multiply site. Here we were surprisingly able to weave the most wonderful and most grown up realizations we've ever had and it's a shame not to share so here goes.. Beware, reading this requires excellent eye sight and treshold for tears.. And kleenex.
SEPTEMBER 30:
CES: Let us both move on, Max. Not because it's over but because we owe ourselves the chance to start anew. We loved and end of the day, that's all that matters. Just what I will be telling him tomorrow, let's forgive ourselves and give ourselves the chance to take a stab at happiness and pray for another shot at love. I think i'm lucky cause I know that as of now, I'm the tough one. I'm intact and I'm the one doing the understanding. I believe that's my gift from God cause at least I am not lost nor was I destroyed. Not that the other is but at least I'm not ruined and that I'm still whole. That I'm still alive, breathing and even if I am bruised, scarred and all.. I'm proud to be standing despite everything. And it's all because of Him.
MAX: Yea, i'm definitely moving on. Since the night or the dawn i've accepted that "it can't be". I've let go. But even if I did let go or is moving on, it still needs to heal some more and I know it will take some time. And I won't frown & regret that it happened but I'll Smile and be thankful that it happened that once again in my life i fell inlove. EVEN if this, the heartbreaks, happened, I still believe in love. I still have faith in love. I still believe that someday my prince will come even if it's not now. I don't want to kiss frogs. I'd rather sleep for 100 hundred years in my castle and wait for my prince to kiss me. I don't want to meet any other beasts because I've already had one and that was enough (haha). I know one day... My aladdin will come and we'll ride his magic carpet and he would show me the shining shimering splendid world :) and finally my once upon a time will be a happily ever after. And i'm happy that you're over being "destroyed" as you were yesterday and that you're up again like me. That's right, you be his strength.
CES: I think this is every woman's role. To give life to them, understand them, take care of them.. In short, become glorified slaves. Haha. But no, kidding aside, falling inlove should never cause us to regret. Let's build our tower (or castle) together, Max. Let's make sure that it's close by so we can still have sleepovers and we'll continue or movie marathons there as we await for our princeses to come. and no matter how long they take, i know it will be worth the wait. I've known since then alam kon i'm ready to fall madly, deeply inlove but when i realized that it wasn't mutual this time, I've come to accept that this isn't anyone's fault. I may be ready but the one He has made especially for me may not be ready just yet and I know He's taking so much time on him cause He's ensuring that when He does give him to me, it will truly be a happily ever after. That when he does come, we'll both be complete and we can finally share our lives with each other. Same with you, Max. God is prepping up your Mr. Destiny. God knows how magical our needs are (we're mental) and that we need equally magically wonderful men to complete our soon to be magical world. For the meantime, as my friend said, we don't need a prince to make us a princess. And as we wait for them (maybe their horses are tired and resting or their carriages broke down), let's practice and improve on our being princesses so that, ehem, we'll be ready to be their Queen when they get here.
MAX: Okay, let's do that so we can quite talking through this site or chatting over messenger. Let's build our castles close so we can just chat (or shout) by the window. And when I grow my hair long enough, so long as it's him who'll climb up, it won't matter to me.. Even if that would hurt. Cause love comes with pain, right? YES, myi Mr. Destiny is now stuck in his own world, trying to be happy with what's happening in his life, fixing up his confusion and straightening out his path, so that when he's ready, we'll both surge on the fight.. And he'll pull out his wand and say "Lumos!" cause he'd want light into his life right? And we're gonna make magic together just like Harry (we're really mental, from fairy tales to wizardry. hahaha). And yeah, their carriage could have turned into pumpkin again or the horse could be eating that's why it's taking them so long to get here.
CES: As they say, you will never experience being perfectly happy if you've never been perfectly hurt. I guess we will never be completely be okay unless we completely feel pain. Time will tell. I know the past days have been stormy for both of us but I know that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.. And granted that we're the solid ones, we need to strengthen ourselves even more, for them. Sigh.. The things you have to do just to have someone to say i love you to.. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. Loving is hard. It's like you're on a roller coaster. It keeps going round and round. It makes you dizzy and light in the head. It can sometimes drive you crazy. It's scary and sometimes, you just feel sick from how bad you feel about all of it. But you can never deny that while you were up there, you've never felt more free and you've never felt more happy. If you're lucky and brave enough, you can even stretch out your hands and wave them frantically. That's real happiness. that's real love.. You break free from your own world and welcome a new somebody to enter into it. But sometimes, one would need to get off cause he can't take the ride, you'll have to pull the emergency brake and since you don't want seeing him in pain, you'll even be the one to pull up his safety bar and prod him to get off. You'll even convince him by saying "You have to get down, you can't take it anymore." But when he does gets down.. The next question is are you going to go down the ride with him or you're going to go continue on the ride. To those who think it's a waste not to continue the ride, they keep going but then realizing soon after that the ride ain't that great without someone to share it with. As for me, I chose to pull the emergency brake myself and lifted his safety bar. It's called a safety bar for a reason and that is to ensure that the person isn't in agony. I guess i'm doing the bravest thing i've ever done my whole life.. To decide on letting it go without the assurance if it's coming back. I wish I knew what may come out of this.. I wish I knew what His plans are pero for now, I'm giving back God the pen and paper. I want Him writing my love story for I know for sure, it will end with a happily ever after.
MAX: I like that rollercoaster part. You're right, I remember myself in a rollercoaster, hands outstretched. Super happy and I had my own world in my seat. Though I was alone that time, at least I didn't have any fears, and in your situation, you had no one to take care of. I didn't mind anything for I know that I could take on the ride.. But sometimes, I wish that I could have ridden it with someone. Someone who would be stretching out his hands with me, holding my hands. The we'll both scream... weeeeeeeeeeeh!! That would be so great.. A feeling that would make us free from everything, every hurt every pain. We'll have our own world and in that world, it's only a wonderland of love. Pain is banned but then again, sometimes we fear of even getting on a roller coaster. We fear something bad might happen BUT, because we want to take that chance, despite our fear, we'll go through with it and that's the time you'll become brave. LIKE in LOVE, we're scared of entering a relationship/commitment, out of fear of getting hurt and hurting someone. But because of that love, we'll face our fears and we'll be brave knowing that it will make us happy.
CES: the concept of getting hurt or something bad happening is always the root cause of a love story gone wrong. and that's one thing i don't ever want to have. i'd rather lose my voice as i scream through the fear and cry from the pain other than being safe on the ground while knowing full well you will never be half as happy as you would be if you were to take that chance. love, like an amusement ride, will be ultimately scary at first. that's why the seats are always in two's.. it's to always make us feel that despite the tumbles and turns of the ride, so long as you're hand in hand with that incredible special someone, no time up there ever feels wasted.. thus every single second will be cherised. it takes a lot to decide on to go on that ride. it takes courage and a lot of trust in the one beside you but then.. that's the way it goes. only complete trust and full on bravery can make you stand the twists and turns of the ride. i say once you're there, enjoy. don't look down.. and if you do need to look down, only do that to remind yourself how amazing it feels to be up there instead of being the one down there staring up and thinking "i could've been that happy". bottomline.. love is one of the most difficult, confusing and most complicated things in this world but also.. it is a most wonderful gift we are priveleged to have exist in our lives. it is a gift we must take hold of and when it does get here.. wow. it will explode in the deepest corners of your heart and melt away every known pain, agony and hurt you've ever been through. one day our princes will come, they will be both be gorgeous (yours will look like ni Oliver James and mine would resemble Prince William), they will sweep us off our feet and show us a world even more magical than the ones we had in our dreams.
End of the day... It's always better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all.
May your days and nights be filled with love, love, love and more pure, pure love!
I have been in an emotional limbo since my birthday. I have been plagued by a massive amount of unnecessary questions and confusions that only got me from bad to worse. I had a freak episode this morning (think dawn) and I realized just now how totally involved I am at this war I am "fighting".
Then I heard mass, prayed my heart out and God delivered like He always does. My blotch-filled lenses are now crystal clear, I can see clearly now. God gave me the gift to understand and accept the things that I have been resisting since yesterday. He gave me the grace to forgive and love myself despite of myself. That sounds funny but there it is. I proved something else tonight.. That I am inlove and I am inlove enough to let God plan out what He wants to do with the rest of this particular love story. I gave Him back the pen and surrendered the parchment. I know He of all would know how my love story should be like.
I once heard (or read) that Love is like a butterfly. You'll never catch it even if you try running after it. Instead sit back and wait because once it's ready, it will gently land on your palm. So now, I'm opening my hand and as I watch it flutter away from me, for sure a tear will slide but I know I have done the greatest expression of love and that is being genuinely happy even if he has chosen to flutter away. In more ways than one, it's tricky to accept how things have unravelled. It's proving to be a battle within myself and I just pray that my armor is suited enough for this fight of a lifetime.. But this time, this fight will be bloodless, swordless and hate-free. It will be silent. And still and full of understanding. This battle will only have me on the field, sitting upright and patiently waiting until my buttefly chooses to land on my palm once again. I'm just glad that as I wait, I have my fellow princesses awaiting for their Princes to come as well.
For days now, my friend Max and I have been exchanging messages on her multiply site. Here we were surprisingly able to weave the most wonderful and most grown up realizations we've ever had and it's a shame not to share so here goes.. Beware, reading this requires excellent eye sight and treshold for tears.. And kleenex.
SEPTEMBER 30:
CES: Let us both move on, Max. Not because it's over but because we owe ourselves the chance to start anew. We loved and end of the day, that's all that matters. Just what I will be telling him tomorrow, let's forgive ourselves and give ourselves the chance to take a stab at happiness and pray for another shot at love. I think i'm lucky cause I know that as of now, I'm the tough one. I'm intact and I'm the one doing the understanding. I believe that's my gift from God cause at least I am not lost nor was I destroyed. Not that the other is but at least I'm not ruined and that I'm still whole. That I'm still alive, breathing and even if I am bruised, scarred and all.. I'm proud to be standing despite everything. And it's all because of Him.
MAX: Yea, i'm definitely moving on. Since the night or the dawn i've accepted that "it can't be". I've let go. But even if I did let go or is moving on, it still needs to heal some more and I know it will take some time. And I won't frown & regret that it happened but I'll Smile and be thankful that it happened that once again in my life i fell inlove. EVEN if this, the heartbreaks, happened, I still believe in love. I still have faith in love. I still believe that someday my prince will come even if it's not now. I don't want to kiss frogs. I'd rather sleep for 100 hundred years in my castle and wait for my prince to kiss me. I don't want to meet any other beasts because I've already had one and that was enough (haha). I know one day... My aladdin will come and we'll ride his magic carpet and he would show me the shining shimering splendid world :) and finally my once upon a time will be a happily ever after. And i'm happy that you're over being "destroyed" as you were yesterday and that you're up again like me. That's right, you be his strength.
CES: I think this is every woman's role. To give life to them, understand them, take care of them.. In short, become glorified slaves. Haha. But no, kidding aside, falling inlove should never cause us to regret. Let's build our tower (or castle) together, Max. Let's make sure that it's close by so we can still have sleepovers and we'll continue or movie marathons there as we await for our princeses to come. and no matter how long they take, i know it will be worth the wait. I've known since then alam kon i'm ready to fall madly, deeply inlove but when i realized that it wasn't mutual this time, I've come to accept that this isn't anyone's fault. I may be ready but the one He has made especially for me may not be ready just yet and I know He's taking so much time on him cause He's ensuring that when He does give him to me, it will truly be a happily ever after. That when he does come, we'll both be complete and we can finally share our lives with each other. Same with you, Max. God is prepping up your Mr. Destiny. God knows how magical our needs are (we're mental) and that we need equally magically wonderful men to complete our soon to be magical world. For the meantime, as my friend said, we don't need a prince to make us a princess. And as we wait for them (maybe their horses are tired and resting or their carriages broke down), let's practice and improve on our being princesses so that, ehem, we'll be ready to be their Queen when they get here.
MAX: Okay, let's do that so we can quite talking through this site or chatting over messenger. Let's build our castles close so we can just chat (or shout) by the window. And when I grow my hair long enough, so long as it's him who'll climb up, it won't matter to me.. Even if that would hurt. Cause love comes with pain, right? YES, myi Mr. Destiny is now stuck in his own world, trying to be happy with what's happening in his life, fixing up his confusion and straightening out his path, so that when he's ready, we'll both surge on the fight.. And he'll pull out his wand and say "Lumos!" cause he'd want light into his life right? And we're gonna make magic together just like Harry (we're really mental, from fairy tales to wizardry. hahaha). And yeah, their carriage could have turned into pumpkin again or the horse could be eating that's why it's taking them so long to get here.
CES: As they say, you will never experience being perfectly happy if you've never been perfectly hurt. I guess we will never be completely be okay unless we completely feel pain. Time will tell. I know the past days have been stormy for both of us but I know that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.. And granted that we're the solid ones, we need to strengthen ourselves even more, for them. Sigh.. The things you have to do just to have someone to say i love you to.. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. Loving is hard. It's like you're on a roller coaster. It keeps going round and round. It makes you dizzy and light in the head. It can sometimes drive you crazy. It's scary and sometimes, you just feel sick from how bad you feel about all of it. But you can never deny that while you were up there, you've never felt more free and you've never felt more happy. If you're lucky and brave enough, you can even stretch out your hands and wave them frantically. That's real happiness. that's real love.. You break free from your own world and welcome a new somebody to enter into it. But sometimes, one would need to get off cause he can't take the ride, you'll have to pull the emergency brake and since you don't want seeing him in pain, you'll even be the one to pull up his safety bar and prod him to get off. You'll even convince him by saying "You have to get down, you can't take it anymore." But when he does gets down.. The next question is are you going to go down the ride with him or you're going to go continue on the ride. To those who think it's a waste not to continue the ride, they keep going but then realizing soon after that the ride ain't that great without someone to share it with. As for me, I chose to pull the emergency brake myself and lifted his safety bar. It's called a safety bar for a reason and that is to ensure that the person isn't in agony. I guess i'm doing the bravest thing i've ever done my whole life.. To decide on letting it go without the assurance if it's coming back. I wish I knew what may come out of this.. I wish I knew what His plans are pero for now, I'm giving back God the pen and paper. I want Him writing my love story for I know for sure, it will end with a happily ever after.
MAX: I like that rollercoaster part. You're right, I remember myself in a rollercoaster, hands outstretched. Super happy and I had my own world in my seat. Though I was alone that time, at least I didn't have any fears, and in your situation, you had no one to take care of. I didn't mind anything for I know that I could take on the ride.. But sometimes, I wish that I could have ridden it with someone. Someone who would be stretching out his hands with me, holding my hands. The we'll both scream... weeeeeeeeeeeh!! That would be so great.. A feeling that would make us free from everything, every hurt every pain. We'll have our own world and in that world, it's only a wonderland of love. Pain is banned but then again, sometimes we fear of even getting on a roller coaster. We fear something bad might happen BUT, because we want to take that chance, despite our fear, we'll go through with it and that's the time you'll become brave. LIKE in LOVE, we're scared of entering a relationship/commitment, out of fear of getting hurt and hurting someone. But because of that love, we'll face our fears and we'll be brave knowing that it will make us happy.
CES: the concept of getting hurt or something bad happening is always the root cause of a love story gone wrong. and that's one thing i don't ever want to have. i'd rather lose my voice as i scream through the fear and cry from the pain other than being safe on the ground while knowing full well you will never be half as happy as you would be if you were to take that chance. love, like an amusement ride, will be ultimately scary at first. that's why the seats are always in two's.. it's to always make us feel that despite the tumbles and turns of the ride, so long as you're hand in hand with that incredible special someone, no time up there ever feels wasted.. thus every single second will be cherised. it takes a lot to decide on to go on that ride. it takes courage and a lot of trust in the one beside you but then.. that's the way it goes. only complete trust and full on bravery can make you stand the twists and turns of the ride. i say once you're there, enjoy. don't look down.. and if you do need to look down, only do that to remind yourself how amazing it feels to be up there instead of being the one down there staring up and thinking "i could've been that happy". bottomline.. love is one of the most difficult, confusing and most complicated things in this world but also.. it is a most wonderful gift we are priveleged to have exist in our lives. it is a gift we must take hold of and when it does get here.. wow. it will explode in the deepest corners of your heart and melt away every known pain, agony and hurt you've ever been through. one day our princes will come, they will be both be gorgeous (yours will look like ni Oliver James and mine would resemble Prince William), they will sweep us off our feet and show us a world even more magical than the ones we had in our dreams.
End of the day... It's always better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all.
May your days and nights be filled with love, love, love and more pure, pure love!
Friday, September 29, 2006
My 21st
A storm, typhoon more like, hit Luzon (a major Island in the Philippines) and casted its arresting eyes on my poor Manila like a hawk donning on its prey. The city was left a mess this morning. Trees were uprooted, roofs (yes, roofs) were flying, the ground was trembling, the wind was cursing at every direction, flood was everywhere billboards were stripped down and even its huge metal braces (stands or whatever they're called) fell to its demise. Classes were suspended. At noon time the whole region experienced power outage. By 7pm, Manila and most parts of Luzon were declared to be under a State of Calamity. This would be the worst storm to hit Manila in years.
And it had to happen on my birthday.
I woke up yesterday (the 28th) with a heavy heart. I got up and stood by the window for a while. The wind's rustle frightened me soon enough, I moved away. My phone did its thing, 4 messages. 5 missed calls. I read the messages and then, like a brush of wind filling my body, I cried upon realizing that it was indeed, my birthday. And I was alone. My whole flat seemed smaller and it was slowly choking me dead. I had to leave the house, I said but how? My sister took the car and with my house not exactly being transportation heaven, especially on days like this, what would I do now? Then, by some wisp of miracle, Halmen called me and told me to get ready. She was on her way to pick me up. The roads were dangerous with its neat array of trees and leaves scattered all over the streets as if mocking an obstacle course. Then we had lunch in Aveneto with Jaja, had tomoto soup, pasta and pizza. My birthday meal, wee. So when we saw the restaurant crew put their bags on, we knew it was time to go. We went around a bit but the mall we passed was closed but thank God for Eastwood. Weird as it may sound but it has never failed to come through for me. So we watched Step Up and even if it was my second time watching it, I still enjoyed it. Then Halmen asked if I wanted to sleepover and since I was not at all entertaining the thought of spending the rest of my already rained on birthday, I said yes. We went to my place to get stuff then off to Halmen's we went. We spent a great amount of time just eating and talking. Around 9pm, we drove out to get dessert. But because of the weather, our ice cream turned to Bibingcrepe (bibingka is rice cake and it was prepared like a crepe)... Then we turned back home. We were left with AIESEC as our topic as she illuminated some hard facts that I had to come to terms with. Then it was bedtime.. Part of me wanted to just sleep early to get the day over and done with already but I didn't sleep until 4 am.
The night was mosquito infested (what with no electricity) and hot. Damnit I thought it was at least gonna be a snuggle-kind-of-cold but no, it was hot. And imagine my frustration when I awoke to a very sunny morning. I mean I'm happy that the storm has gone but come on.. I now proved that it purposely came just to ruin my birthday. I waited all day for rain but there wasn't even a drop. Classes were once again suspended and the surprise wasn't over yet..
Let's just say I had a very difficult afternoon. I don't know how exactly to explain but I think I've cried myself out yesterday. It wasn't my stormed-on-birthday because if anything I'm still glad that I was able to celebrate it at least. But it was more like an afternoon shoot out and I was the target. Unfortunate requests, giving up and a lot, a lot of tears is a basic summary of it. I still burst into tears every second or so and it's proving harder and harder to contain.
I have always been the tough one. The one who, according to my best friend Kae, simply shrugged it all off and could smile instantly. That was me, the crabby person who gets ticked off every now and then but manages to be perky the very minute after. I have never been one to sulk and pine on my problems. I most of the time just cry once and then I'm fine. I have mastered the art of letting go and of detaching myelf from people. That was my defense mechanism, I guess. I was always so used to being left behind, either because of death or plain fading away. The closest people to me always found solace elsewhere and for some reason, I've learned to seek beauty in that and found refuge in breaking away. I have made some wonderful ties with the friends I have today. Each of them are great but I always get that paranoia that one day, they took will flee. Having a family like mine also made me this way. My mom was always out and I had to learn everything by myself. I started living on my own 7 years ago. I was only 14. Although I have no complaints over that, it still propelled me to keep shutting people off. That was my way of preventing further damage within myself. I've never really believed that I was anything special. I saw myself a most plain person doing nothing but mundane work and play. I channel all the loneliness and hurt from being so distant from people by showing those around me how good it feels to be remembered. I do the sweet things friends do on special ocassions during a normal day. I obligate myself to burden myself with other people's problems if only to lessen their pain and even if it could cause me double. I'm the master mind behind the surprise parties my friends have had over the years. And no one has quite gotten close to surprising me.. At least for those very few times they tried. I know at a different focus, I'm loved by my peers but it feels all the more challenging to believe when you have the rest of the world's pain flung on your back and no one even dared to help.
If my life was turned to a movie, 2 hours won't cut it and I'm only 21. The most redudunt thing there would probably tears that never seems to get tired of rolling down my face. But there will also be tons of pain, heartaches and disappointments. But ironically enough, I have come to find myself to be an eternal optimist. I'm an idealist, you see. I thrive on the good vibes which probably has done me more bad than good but nevertheless I've always stayed positive. The hurt, however, came in from all corners. Many a times did I feel so boxed in and had no way out. I came to hoping I was dead once or twice and I remember railing on God asking why I was always getting hurt. I was young and at that time I felt like the whole world was ganging up on me.
I'm now 21. It is implied that I am now, old. But despite looking strangely young for my age (think 9), I don't remember the last time I felt like a kid. Even then I was doing things on my own, I always fended and decided for myself. I had to grow up fast, I had to compel myself to mature faster than everyone else around me because if I didn't, I would just end up getting hurt even more. I always felt like I had to exert effort to reach maturity or else I wouldn't understand half the things going on around me and without a parent to teach me the whys of life, I had to play the daddy and mommy card on me. No offense to my mom who did her best to be there for me but most of my growing up, I did alone. And somehow you get used to that lonely life. I try my best to surround myself with happy people. People bursting with energy because that was me then.. Before problems started to plague me. Some people say that I have a temper that can kill and maybe I do have one but I wish people could see pass that. I hope they could see how bruised and mangled and scarred my heart is. I hope they'd understand that I am but human and that my painful past magically finds its way to haunt me. And because I know they'd never really understand, I just fall back into my own little corner and cry.
The past 2 days whipped me up as much as the storm shook the whole region. And I was left with 5 realizations that I know I will now try to live by:
1. HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST English Proverb
This is one that'll come in handy the most. I have taught myself not to expect anything from anyone anymore, that sounds bitter but I am just channeling all unnecessary disillutionments in my life. I will continue being an optimist but striking a balance with reality would probably save me more tears.
2. BE NOT AFRAID OF GROWING SLOWLY, ONLY BE AFRAID OF STANDING STILL Chinese Proverb
I have a long way to go in life and I have no intention of stopping in my tracks but when I do, it would only to either bask in the view or take a momentary breather.
3. THE DARKEST HOUR IS THAT BEFORE THE DAWN English Proverb
My life has been a blend of candid stories and miserable tales. I have been fighting a great deal in and for my life and I have always known not to back down. I always knew that when the rain pours its mighty wrath, sunshine can't be too far behind.
4. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN FIGURED OUT, EXCEPT HOW TO LIVE Jean-Paul Sartre
So why do we try so much? Why all the questions? Why do we always have question everything? Why do we plague our hearts and minds with unnecessary clutter? Can't we just all live the way we know how to? No man can ever tell you how to live right simply because no one can know you other than yourself and even then, you still wouldn't know how. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. Life's questions I believe are here not to strain us as to be answered. God, I believe, designed a life full of doubts and questions to make us reminded that end of the day, it is only through and in Him that we can find the peace we are looking for. We must all take a cue from that and realize that life is nothing without Him.
5. YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE YOU IN THE WORLD Mahatma Gandhi
I have fallen inlove with this concept even moreso after being in AIESEC. The life I lead now is propelled by my desire to better myself if only to be worthy of every blessing I have been given. I think it goes without saying that I am desperate to help the world. I think I was born to help. To nurture, to care for people. I have in my mind a clear picture of what I want to do with my life, of how I am going to live it and I realize that it all starts and ends with working for others.
I envision a life free from the struggles I've had. One day, when I too will be blessed with a family of my own, I will channel all my energy in sharing even the most mundane activity available to toddlers. I will be there to cheer my kid on in every game and competition he's ever on and I will be there to lecture him about girls (and her about boys). I want to be there to see her off on prom night, cry alarmingly on graduation, to give a hug of luck on route to college, for the wedding and everything else imagineable. I want a world without the tears and if there would be tears, I hope for once they'd be happy ones. The ones that won't require a hanky and the ones that won't be coupled with pain. I don't know how I'm going to achieve that but with His grace I know I too will get there. He has never ceased to strengthen me with His love and I know I will be okay. With or without someone's hand to hold. I know God is behind me, ready to catch me should anyone chose to not catch me.
I'm lucky to have the kind of faith that I have. I may not practice my religion to a T but God knows I try my damndest. He knows my every waking minute is for no one but Him. He knows that at the end of the day, I will seek nothing but His grace. He has given me so much chances, so much blessings and with all the pain i've lived through, I know He's just smoothing me out. I know He's preparing me for something bigger. Something extraordinarily consuming that I would need ever fiber of strength within me. He kept on taking away the ones I loved the most and I think He did that to show me I can and will be okay even without them. I actually think i'm so lucky having been through so much, it hasn't just given me conversation pieces and little anecdotes but I believe I was blessed to experience these things because He believes in me so much that He's allowing me to shoulder heaps of problems people twice my age have never ever dreamt about going through. And my prize has always been that I survived it all. And this time? I have another battle to fight. Another sword has been given, another armor was assembled only for this special fight.. I don't know if in the end I'll conquer the enemy but I only have one prayer. And that's for me to see this through alive, whole and well. I was at first hoping to emerge victorious, hand in hand with my fellow warrior but the past days have taught me never to expect even from the most realiable sources so I pray for myself. I pray that whatever learning and growth I get from this battle, I come out accepting my fate. I pray that He may give me grace to understand why again has he put me in this circumstance. I pray that He will heal me and that He will mold me to be better. That He will give me another chance at laughing and with happiness. I pray that I couild learn to love again. The kind of love that I am now so confused with.. The kind of love that sits by my heart and stays there for eternity.
But more importantly, I pray for Him to do whatever He thinks is best for me. He alone knows the design my life's path looks like. It feels daunting now but I know so long as He's driving me down the road, I'll be fine. He has blessed my life with an assemblage of people who despite their own personal battles, have chosen to see it through with me. I have a family who despite the unconventional set up we have now, has never given me any doubt on just how much they love me. I have friends ready to turn the world over just to see me smile. Friends who I know come hell or high water, through winter or spring, through continental divide and overseas calls will take a bullet just to ensure I'm happy. I have opportunities people would die for and best of all, He gave me a good heart. Of all the things I have, the one i'm proudest of is my good, solid heart. I have a heart that could withstand the most tumultous tragedies. The same heart can forgive, care and love without a wave of expectation in return.
As I close the book of the past year, I open another one. Certain that it will again be as unpredictable as its predecessor, I warmly embrace the days to come. As I suit up for the battle that is my life, I make the sign of the cross, thank Him for the armor I have on and just before I lift my sword as I prepare to dodge in the fight, I remind myself that this is a fight of a lifetime and whether or not I have an army behind me, I will give this all of me and that I will fight until He finally decides I've done my job.
WORDS FROM THE BIRTHDAY GIRL:
I know that if you could you would have flown to be with me on my birthday, you would and that's enough for me. I know I don't say this enough but you, Lolo and Papa are the reason why I have such strong wings.. Cause I have you beneath as my winds. No one compares or even comes close to you. I love you Mama. To my family, with you around, I don't think anyone can be as lucky as I am. Thank you for loving me despite everything.
To Kae, Laicah, Raph, Pacques, *Michael and *Matt who sees my tears through the rain. I may search far and wide, turn the world over but I know I will never find better friends than you. You are my pillars without whom I can not stand. You inspire me to seek out the smile within me. You know exactly when to give me a boost or a tap on the back. You of all people know me and I am prepared to live my life working towards proving to you, to all of you how much your friendship means to me. Even with the distance between us, I know deep within that anytime, it is you guys who never fails to pick up the phone and readily gives me the time of day (and night) if only to soothe my pain. I don't know what I would do without you.. Without any of you.
To my beloved Grrrkada. I smile at my life because I have you in it. I cry out of sheer joy because I experienced your friendships. Many years are yet to come and still I am certain that you will still be key players in my life. I know that because I hold on only to great friends who have provided me with great friendships. Everyday, I say one additional prayer thanking Him for the gift of friendship in the form of the Grrrsquad (haha). You guys are the best and come what may, never fear.. I will always be here.
To my birthday angels, Halmen and Jaja. Thank you for literally seeing me through all the rain and sh*t that came with my birthday. I never expected that we could bond like that but I'll never be sorry that we did. Thank you for making it memorable.. Flying cars and all.
Finally, to You. For your very presence in my life. You made me realize that love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give — which is everything.. And you can count on me giving this my all. I love you.
As I enter into adulthood, I seek only the grace to be the best person I can be and have my life be how it was meant to be like. As I make my way into the world I know there will be bumps on the road, bugs on my windshields, ocassional storms but I know I have been tuned and geared up perfectly to whatever can come my way. With every turns and detours I make, I know that He is lovingly holding the wheel with me and quite surely, His other hand firmly around the hand brake ready to pull whenever necessary. And knowing He's there and with my loved ones cheering me on along the way, I know there isn't anything that I cannot do. I will keep on driving down my life's path with the vision of becoming the person I was made to become. It's a known fact that we only live once but I believe that if we just live it right, once is enough. And that is my mission to live life once and sit up in Heaven all smiles knowing and telling myself, "You did a good job."
And it had to happen on my birthday.
I woke up yesterday (the 28th) with a heavy heart. I got up and stood by the window for a while. The wind's rustle frightened me soon enough, I moved away. My phone did its thing, 4 messages. 5 missed calls. I read the messages and then, like a brush of wind filling my body, I cried upon realizing that it was indeed, my birthday. And I was alone. My whole flat seemed smaller and it was slowly choking me dead. I had to leave the house, I said but how? My sister took the car and with my house not exactly being transportation heaven, especially on days like this, what would I do now? Then, by some wisp of miracle, Halmen called me and told me to get ready. She was on her way to pick me up. The roads were dangerous with its neat array of trees and leaves scattered all over the streets as if mocking an obstacle course. Then we had lunch in Aveneto with Jaja, had tomoto soup, pasta and pizza. My birthday meal, wee. So when we saw the restaurant crew put their bags on, we knew it was time to go. We went around a bit but the mall we passed was closed but thank God for Eastwood. Weird as it may sound but it has never failed to come through for me. So we watched Step Up and even if it was my second time watching it, I still enjoyed it. Then Halmen asked if I wanted to sleepover and since I was not at all entertaining the thought of spending the rest of my already rained on birthday, I said yes. We went to my place to get stuff then off to Halmen's we went. We spent a great amount of time just eating and talking. Around 9pm, we drove out to get dessert. But because of the weather, our ice cream turned to Bibingcrepe (bibingka is rice cake and it was prepared like a crepe)... Then we turned back home. We were left with AIESEC as our topic as she illuminated some hard facts that I had to come to terms with. Then it was bedtime.. Part of me wanted to just sleep early to get the day over and done with already but I didn't sleep until 4 am.
The night was mosquito infested (what with no electricity) and hot. Damnit I thought it was at least gonna be a snuggle-kind-of-cold but no, it was hot. And imagine my frustration when I awoke to a very sunny morning. I mean I'm happy that the storm has gone but come on.. I now proved that it purposely came just to ruin my birthday. I waited all day for rain but there wasn't even a drop. Classes were once again suspended and the surprise wasn't over yet..
Let's just say I had a very difficult afternoon. I don't know how exactly to explain but I think I've cried myself out yesterday. It wasn't my stormed-on-birthday because if anything I'm still glad that I was able to celebrate it at least. But it was more like an afternoon shoot out and I was the target. Unfortunate requests, giving up and a lot, a lot of tears is a basic summary of it. I still burst into tears every second or so and it's proving harder and harder to contain.
I have always been the tough one. The one who, according to my best friend Kae, simply shrugged it all off and could smile instantly. That was me, the crabby person who gets ticked off every now and then but manages to be perky the very minute after. I have never been one to sulk and pine on my problems. I most of the time just cry once and then I'm fine. I have mastered the art of letting go and of detaching myelf from people. That was my defense mechanism, I guess. I was always so used to being left behind, either because of death or plain fading away. The closest people to me always found solace elsewhere and for some reason, I've learned to seek beauty in that and found refuge in breaking away. I have made some wonderful ties with the friends I have today. Each of them are great but I always get that paranoia that one day, they took will flee. Having a family like mine also made me this way. My mom was always out and I had to learn everything by myself. I started living on my own 7 years ago. I was only 14. Although I have no complaints over that, it still propelled me to keep shutting people off. That was my way of preventing further damage within myself. I've never really believed that I was anything special. I saw myself a most plain person doing nothing but mundane work and play. I channel all the loneliness and hurt from being so distant from people by showing those around me how good it feels to be remembered. I do the sweet things friends do on special ocassions during a normal day. I obligate myself to burden myself with other people's problems if only to lessen their pain and even if it could cause me double. I'm the master mind behind the surprise parties my friends have had over the years. And no one has quite gotten close to surprising me.. At least for those very few times they tried. I know at a different focus, I'm loved by my peers but it feels all the more challenging to believe when you have the rest of the world's pain flung on your back and no one even dared to help.
If my life was turned to a movie, 2 hours won't cut it and I'm only 21. The most redudunt thing there would probably tears that never seems to get tired of rolling down my face. But there will also be tons of pain, heartaches and disappointments. But ironically enough, I have come to find myself to be an eternal optimist. I'm an idealist, you see. I thrive on the good vibes which probably has done me more bad than good but nevertheless I've always stayed positive. The hurt, however, came in from all corners. Many a times did I feel so boxed in and had no way out. I came to hoping I was dead once or twice and I remember railing on God asking why I was always getting hurt. I was young and at that time I felt like the whole world was ganging up on me.
I'm now 21. It is implied that I am now, old. But despite looking strangely young for my age (think 9), I don't remember the last time I felt like a kid. Even then I was doing things on my own, I always fended and decided for myself. I had to grow up fast, I had to compel myself to mature faster than everyone else around me because if I didn't, I would just end up getting hurt even more. I always felt like I had to exert effort to reach maturity or else I wouldn't understand half the things going on around me and without a parent to teach me the whys of life, I had to play the daddy and mommy card on me. No offense to my mom who did her best to be there for me but most of my growing up, I did alone. And somehow you get used to that lonely life. I try my best to surround myself with happy people. People bursting with energy because that was me then.. Before problems started to plague me. Some people say that I have a temper that can kill and maybe I do have one but I wish people could see pass that. I hope they could see how bruised and mangled and scarred my heart is. I hope they'd understand that I am but human and that my painful past magically finds its way to haunt me. And because I know they'd never really understand, I just fall back into my own little corner and cry.
The past 2 days whipped me up as much as the storm shook the whole region. And I was left with 5 realizations that I know I will now try to live by:
1. HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST English Proverb
This is one that'll come in handy the most. I have taught myself not to expect anything from anyone anymore, that sounds bitter but I am just channeling all unnecessary disillutionments in my life. I will continue being an optimist but striking a balance with reality would probably save me more tears.
2. BE NOT AFRAID OF GROWING SLOWLY, ONLY BE AFRAID OF STANDING STILL Chinese Proverb
I have a long way to go in life and I have no intention of stopping in my tracks but when I do, it would only to either bask in the view or take a momentary breather.
3. THE DARKEST HOUR IS THAT BEFORE THE DAWN English Proverb
My life has been a blend of candid stories and miserable tales. I have been fighting a great deal in and for my life and I have always known not to back down. I always knew that when the rain pours its mighty wrath, sunshine can't be too far behind.
4. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN FIGURED OUT, EXCEPT HOW TO LIVE Jean-Paul Sartre
So why do we try so much? Why all the questions? Why do we always have question everything? Why do we plague our hearts and minds with unnecessary clutter? Can't we just all live the way we know how to? No man can ever tell you how to live right simply because no one can know you other than yourself and even then, you still wouldn't know how. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. Life's questions I believe are here not to strain us as to be answered. God, I believe, designed a life full of doubts and questions to make us reminded that end of the day, it is only through and in Him that we can find the peace we are looking for. We must all take a cue from that and realize that life is nothing without Him.
5. YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE YOU IN THE WORLD Mahatma Gandhi
I have fallen inlove with this concept even moreso after being in AIESEC. The life I lead now is propelled by my desire to better myself if only to be worthy of every blessing I have been given. I think it goes without saying that I am desperate to help the world. I think I was born to help. To nurture, to care for people. I have in my mind a clear picture of what I want to do with my life, of how I am going to live it and I realize that it all starts and ends with working for others.
I envision a life free from the struggles I've had. One day, when I too will be blessed with a family of my own, I will channel all my energy in sharing even the most mundane activity available to toddlers. I will be there to cheer my kid on in every game and competition he's ever on and I will be there to lecture him about girls (and her about boys). I want to be there to see her off on prom night, cry alarmingly on graduation, to give a hug of luck on route to college, for the wedding and everything else imagineable. I want a world without the tears and if there would be tears, I hope for once they'd be happy ones. The ones that won't require a hanky and the ones that won't be coupled with pain. I don't know how I'm going to achieve that but with His grace I know I too will get there. He has never ceased to strengthen me with His love and I know I will be okay. With or without someone's hand to hold. I know God is behind me, ready to catch me should anyone chose to not catch me.
I'm lucky to have the kind of faith that I have. I may not practice my religion to a T but God knows I try my damndest. He knows my every waking minute is for no one but Him. He knows that at the end of the day, I will seek nothing but His grace. He has given me so much chances, so much blessings and with all the pain i've lived through, I know He's just smoothing me out. I know He's preparing me for something bigger. Something extraordinarily consuming that I would need ever fiber of strength within me. He kept on taking away the ones I loved the most and I think He did that to show me I can and will be okay even without them. I actually think i'm so lucky having been through so much, it hasn't just given me conversation pieces and little anecdotes but I believe I was blessed to experience these things because He believes in me so much that He's allowing me to shoulder heaps of problems people twice my age have never ever dreamt about going through. And my prize has always been that I survived it all. And this time? I have another battle to fight. Another sword has been given, another armor was assembled only for this special fight.. I don't know if in the end I'll conquer the enemy but I only have one prayer. And that's for me to see this through alive, whole and well. I was at first hoping to emerge victorious, hand in hand with my fellow warrior but the past days have taught me never to expect even from the most realiable sources so I pray for myself. I pray that whatever learning and growth I get from this battle, I come out accepting my fate. I pray that He may give me grace to understand why again has he put me in this circumstance. I pray that He will heal me and that He will mold me to be better. That He will give me another chance at laughing and with happiness. I pray that I couild learn to love again. The kind of love that I am now so confused with.. The kind of love that sits by my heart and stays there for eternity.
But more importantly, I pray for Him to do whatever He thinks is best for me. He alone knows the design my life's path looks like. It feels daunting now but I know so long as He's driving me down the road, I'll be fine. He has blessed my life with an assemblage of people who despite their own personal battles, have chosen to see it through with me. I have a family who despite the unconventional set up we have now, has never given me any doubt on just how much they love me. I have friends ready to turn the world over just to see me smile. Friends who I know come hell or high water, through winter or spring, through continental divide and overseas calls will take a bullet just to ensure I'm happy. I have opportunities people would die for and best of all, He gave me a good heart. Of all the things I have, the one i'm proudest of is my good, solid heart. I have a heart that could withstand the most tumultous tragedies. The same heart can forgive, care and love without a wave of expectation in return.
As I close the book of the past year, I open another one. Certain that it will again be as unpredictable as its predecessor, I warmly embrace the days to come. As I suit up for the battle that is my life, I make the sign of the cross, thank Him for the armor I have on and just before I lift my sword as I prepare to dodge in the fight, I remind myself that this is a fight of a lifetime and whether or not I have an army behind me, I will give this all of me and that I will fight until He finally decides I've done my job.
WORDS FROM THE BIRTHDAY GIRL:
I know that if you could you would have flown to be with me on my birthday, you would and that's enough for me. I know I don't say this enough but you, Lolo and Papa are the reason why I have such strong wings.. Cause I have you beneath as my winds. No one compares or even comes close to you. I love you Mama. To my family, with you around, I don't think anyone can be as lucky as I am. Thank you for loving me despite everything.
To Kae, Laicah, Raph, Pacques, *Michael and *Matt who sees my tears through the rain. I may search far and wide, turn the world over but I know I will never find better friends than you. You are my pillars without whom I can not stand. You inspire me to seek out the smile within me. You know exactly when to give me a boost or a tap on the back. You of all people know me and I am prepared to live my life working towards proving to you, to all of you how much your friendship means to me. Even with the distance between us, I know deep within that anytime, it is you guys who never fails to pick up the phone and readily gives me the time of day (and night) if only to soothe my pain. I don't know what I would do without you.. Without any of you.
To my beloved Grrrkada. I smile at my life because I have you in it. I cry out of sheer joy because I experienced your friendships. Many years are yet to come and still I am certain that you will still be key players in my life. I know that because I hold on only to great friends who have provided me with great friendships. Everyday, I say one additional prayer thanking Him for the gift of friendship in the form of the Grrrsquad (haha). You guys are the best and come what may, never fear.. I will always be here.
To my birthday angels, Halmen and Jaja. Thank you for literally seeing me through all the rain and sh*t that came with my birthday. I never expected that we could bond like that but I'll never be sorry that we did. Thank you for making it memorable.. Flying cars and all.
Finally, to You. For your very presence in my life. You made me realize that love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give — which is everything.. And you can count on me giving this my all. I love you.
As I enter into adulthood, I seek only the grace to be the best person I can be and have my life be how it was meant to be like. As I make my way into the world I know there will be bumps on the road, bugs on my windshields, ocassional storms but I know I have been tuned and geared up perfectly to whatever can come my way. With every turns and detours I make, I know that He is lovingly holding the wheel with me and quite surely, His other hand firmly around the hand brake ready to pull whenever necessary. And knowing He's there and with my loved ones cheering me on along the way, I know there isn't anything that I cannot do. I will keep on driving down my life's path with the vision of becoming the person I was made to become. It's a known fact that we only live once but I believe that if we just live it right, once is enough. And that is my mission to live life once and sit up in Heaven all smiles knowing and telling myself, "You did a good job."
Sunday, September 24, 2006
In The Dumps
I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why i'm in the dumps. I don't know.. I know i'm supposed to be happy. I know i'm supposed to be feeling thrilled as the next week is relatively (and supposedly) a very special one for me but I don't feel.. special or anything resembling a good feeling. I don't know how all this came about. I had a good day, went shopping, heard mass and went home pretty early. But I don't know.. Something in the air doesn't feel so right. I don't know what's happening with me. This can very well be just cold feet (don't get any wild ideas).
I hope this wanes, I wanna stop feeling this way. This is so not healthy. I'm happy.. I truly am but somehow things are not playing well into my ears. I don't know where this is from, it magically popped out and it sucks.
Rar.
I hope this wanes, I wanna stop feeling this way. This is so not healthy. I'm happy.. I truly am but somehow things are not playing well into my ears. I don't know where this is from, it magically popped out and it sucks.
Rar.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Tick Tock
In less than 192 hours I will forever decamp from youth. My youth. It's actually pretty unnerving. I don't know how it is to actually be anything other than a kid and since I look like one anyway, I'm still clueless on how things should be come Thursday next week. For sure expectations will be greater, higher and everything else seems scarier. But although I am a bit apprehensive, I can't deny how excited I am for all that is instore for me.
A lot has happened in the past 20 years and I can only hope that the next one would be just as great, if not better.
A lot has happened in the past 20 years and I can only hope that the next one would be just as great, if not better.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Never easy
Goodbyes are never easy and there's hardly anything good about it. As a kid my mother always reminded me to say 'See you' instead of 'Goodbye' because according to her, we should never be that final with each other as we leave each other's side. I never really this teaching until recently when fate seem to have enjoyed making me utter that word.
The last couple of weeks has been a real struggle for me. I had to see my trainees off, back to their native lands and last Friday was my last trip to the airport. This is the flip side of airport visits that I don't like.. Seeing people take off and finding yourself once again being left behind. I've seen too many a plane take off in it were loved ones whom I haven't seen in a billion lightyears (hi Mama!).
Tomorrow, I will see one of my closest friends off.. Off to a new life in the UK. I always thought we were going to be flatmates but I guess fate had other plans for us.. But no matter, the important thing is that she's there chasing after her dreams and who knows, in a few short months, we might actually be sipping espressos together (ha! me drinking coffee.. that'll be the day!).
EJ was my very first friend in ESA (which back then was still Thames International School). It was the first day of school and true to being eager new meats, we were there bright and early... Only to find out we didn't have classes for another 6 hours! Talk about bonding. Hahaha. So EJ and I visited Eastwood -which has now become our second home-, ate at Yellowcab and attended our class (first) together. That was a little over a year ago (September 9 to be exact). I still have the receipt and all.. Yea, I'm getting sentimental here so sue me but can you blame a girl for tearing up over a loss? A loss that's going to mean so much more in the next couple of weeks when the reality of her absence kicks in.. No more late night phone calls. No more sleep overs. No more pigging out sessions. No more Gilmore Girls marathon. No more trips (seriously, it's a trip) to far down town Manila. No more random trips to someone else's condo *wink*.. and no more friend who flattens her rice. While we do share the love for books, the lifestyle network and dogs, we really don't have that much in common. She likes sparkly stuff, I like keeping it plain. She doesn't like mushrooms and sushi while I live for those stuff. Even in guys we're completely the opposite (which in a way was a good thing).. She's miss organized and I am, well.. not. Hehehe. We have varied opinions on certain opinions and I guess it was a good thing that we were both mature enough to look past our differences. I may not have understood her and her decisions all through the way (as I'm sure was mutual) but I have learned to accept and reconcile everything that has gone on.. She has certainly made my stay in ESA worth it and I am looking forward to more amazing memories (and years) with her despite the continental divide between us.
EJ, distance and time is of no consequence. I will be here, always. You have my word. I may not necessarily be there with you but know that I treasure everything we've shared and that nothing can ever break the bond we have. We all love you. Study well, Stay safe, GodBless and good luck flattening the potatoes there! Hahaha.
All our love to you. You'll be missed.
The last couple of weeks has been a real struggle for me. I had to see my trainees off, back to their native lands and last Friday was my last trip to the airport. This is the flip side of airport visits that I don't like.. Seeing people take off and finding yourself once again being left behind. I've seen too many a plane take off in it were loved ones whom I haven't seen in a billion lightyears (hi Mama!).
Tomorrow, I will see one of my closest friends off.. Off to a new life in the UK. I always thought we were going to be flatmates but I guess fate had other plans for us.. But no matter, the important thing is that she's there chasing after her dreams and who knows, in a few short months, we might actually be sipping espressos together (ha! me drinking coffee.. that'll be the day!).
EJ was my very first friend in ESA (which back then was still Thames International School). It was the first day of school and true to being eager new meats, we were there bright and early... Only to find out we didn't have classes for another 6 hours! Talk about bonding. Hahaha. So EJ and I visited Eastwood -which has now become our second home-, ate at Yellowcab and attended our class (first) together. That was a little over a year ago (September 9 to be exact). I still have the receipt and all.. Yea, I'm getting sentimental here so sue me but can you blame a girl for tearing up over a loss? A loss that's going to mean so much more in the next couple of weeks when the reality of her absence kicks in.. No more late night phone calls. No more sleep overs. No more pigging out sessions. No more Gilmore Girls marathon. No more trips (seriously, it's a trip) to far down town Manila. No more random trips to someone else's condo *wink*.. and no more friend who flattens her rice. While we do share the love for books, the lifestyle network and dogs, we really don't have that much in common. She likes sparkly stuff, I like keeping it plain. She doesn't like mushrooms and sushi while I live for those stuff. Even in guys we're completely the opposite (which in a way was a good thing).. She's miss organized and I am, well.. not. Hehehe. We have varied opinions on certain opinions and I guess it was a good thing that we were both mature enough to look past our differences. I may not have understood her and her decisions all through the way (as I'm sure was mutual) but I have learned to accept and reconcile everything that has gone on.. She has certainly made my stay in ESA worth it and I am looking forward to more amazing memories (and years) with her despite the continental divide between us.
EJ, distance and time is of no consequence. I will be here, always. You have my word. I may not necessarily be there with you but know that I treasure everything we've shared and that nothing can ever break the bond we have. We all love you. Study well, Stay safe, GodBless and good luck flattening the potatoes there! Hahaha.
All our love to you. You'll be missed.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Crossroads
I'm again in a deciding-dilemma and this time I don't know how to appeace myself. I have been trying to rack my brain for a solution to all these confusions or anything for that matter to lull down my overly-active thoughts from running around like crazy. I am in that time of my life where decisions are crucial and everything I decide now can possibly dictate my future. So I wonder, how do I arrive at a logical conclusion? Or for that matter, how do I arrive at a conclusion, period?!
I'm lost and I'm fighting my frustration so hard it's making me lose touch with reality that I end up spacing out most of the time. It sucks and I just wish that one day I can all tell you that i've actually landed on a decision.
As to when that'll be, Ha! Beats me.
Friday, September 01, 2006
31st of August
I got up pretty early yesterday. I went to school, stayed there for a while and then headed off to Greenhills to get rid of my old phone. I bought the thing for like 12k 7 months ago and wow did its value depreciate fast! They bought it for 3k. I was so stunned. I couldn't believe how fleeting something's value can be. That's why I settled to a phone that even though isn't all that fancy, was nice and something I liked enough not to lose. Hahaha.
So okay, we were in Greenhills, took brunch and watched the Devil wears Prada which might I add was fantastic. It was hilarious and smart and it was.. great. Just great. I now worship Meryl Streep. She was so GOOD. Truly a legend. Anne Hathaway wasn't bad either, if anything I think she was perfect for the role. And ooooooh. The CLOOOOOOOOOTHES. I felt like I was in actual Paris watching a fashion show. Two thumps way, way up!
So after a delicious 2 hours at the movie house with Miranda and Andy (Meryl and Anne's characters) we tried surprising Max by bringin her ice cream but no, we were surprised as it turned out she left the house by minutes before we got there. Hehehe. So we just headed to Eastwood, ate dinner at Pancake House and watched You are the one... Don't look at me. It was THEIR idea to watch.. but the movie was nice. I guess I still am a sucker for love stories and happily ever afters.. For a time there I thought I was done dreaming of a happy ending but yesterday proved I'm not so stoic as I thought I was. Hahaha.
Anyway, we took Niko home and went over to Max's to get the phone I bought from her mom's friend. Like I said, it's nothing fancy but it's cute, it works and I already feel a special bondage with it. Hahaha.
My day would have been perfect if not for a very surprising announcement from one of my friends. I am still in a daze from the news.. I don't want to elaborate any further as this isn't my story to tell but I have this to say.. Nothing good comes out of haste. I hope you know what you're doing. Try getting to know yourself a little bit more.. You say you're not a kid anymore, but why all the rash decisions? Why all the flippant acts? Adults call the shots when it needs to not when they want to. Don't complicate your life with all these adult complexities. You can't even take care of yourself and already you're plunging into something this serious!?! I don't know what you're trying to pull here but I genuinely hope you figure things out. I will keep praying that you be enlightened and be guided. I just hope that when guidance comes your way, you'd open the door, let it in and listen. Don't subject yourself to this. You don't deserve a life this confusing and it doesn't have to be.. Think of your parents. They DO NOT deserve all this. I'm not expecting you to listen (cause you never did anyway) but try to think things through. If you need to talk to anyone, you know where to reach me. I will be here, I will listen until I understand.. Make me understand. In the meantime, until you're ready, get in touch with yourself. I'm pretty sure she misses you.
Choices. These are what defines us and I hope we all take a minute out of our busy days to reflect. Stand infront of a mirror. Do you like the person you see? Do you like what she's become?
More importantly.. Do you recognize that person?
So okay, we were in Greenhills, took brunch and watched the Devil wears Prada which might I add was fantastic. It was hilarious and smart and it was.. great. Just great. I now worship Meryl Streep. She was so GOOD. Truly a legend. Anne Hathaway wasn't bad either, if anything I think she was perfect for the role. And ooooooh. The CLOOOOOOOOOTHES. I felt like I was in actual Paris watching a fashion show. Two thumps way, way up!
So after a delicious 2 hours at the movie house with Miranda and Andy (Meryl and Anne's characters) we tried surprising Max by bringin her ice cream but no, we were surprised as it turned out she left the house by minutes before we got there. Hehehe. So we just headed to Eastwood, ate dinner at Pancake House and watched You are the one... Don't look at me. It was THEIR idea to watch.. but the movie was nice. I guess I still am a sucker for love stories and happily ever afters.. For a time there I thought I was done dreaming of a happy ending but yesterday proved I'm not so stoic as I thought I was. Hahaha.
Anyway, we took Niko home and went over to Max's to get the phone I bought from her mom's friend. Like I said, it's nothing fancy but it's cute, it works and I already feel a special bondage with it. Hahaha.
My day would have been perfect if not for a very surprising announcement from one of my friends. I am still in a daze from the news.. I don't want to elaborate any further as this isn't my story to tell but I have this to say.. Nothing good comes out of haste. I hope you know what you're doing. Try getting to know yourself a little bit more.. You say you're not a kid anymore, but why all the rash decisions? Why all the flippant acts? Adults call the shots when it needs to not when they want to. Don't complicate your life with all these adult complexities. You can't even take care of yourself and already you're plunging into something this serious!?! I don't know what you're trying to pull here but I genuinely hope you figure things out. I will keep praying that you be enlightened and be guided. I just hope that when guidance comes your way, you'd open the door, let it in and listen. Don't subject yourself to this. You don't deserve a life this confusing and it doesn't have to be.. Think of your parents. They DO NOT deserve all this. I'm not expecting you to listen (cause you never did anyway) but try to think things through. If you need to talk to anyone, you know where to reach me. I will be here, I will listen until I understand.. Make me understand. In the meantime, until you're ready, get in touch with yourself. I'm pretty sure she misses you.
Choices. These are what defines us and I hope we all take a minute out of our busy days to reflect. Stand infront of a mirror. Do you like the person you see? Do you like what she's become?
More importantly.. Do you recognize that person?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
smiles come easy these days
Today was pretty casual. I stayed in the day, finished my articles for the school paper, ate lunch c/o Pat (salamat!), dropped by Margaux's and headed to Rockwell to pick up my trainee, Betul. We took her to the bus station as she head on to Banaue. Nynke and Regula will be meeting her there and I certainly have nothing to wish them except for a safe trip and good luck on the 8 hour hike! Ha!
With the PBOX officially closed, classes on a break and a much needed trip to the beach this weekend, I can't be any happier. It's been a while since I've smiled this much and felt this kind of peace.
Thank God.
Finally.
With the PBOX officially closed, classes on a break and a much needed trip to the beach this weekend, I can't be any happier. It's been a while since I've smiled this much and felt this kind of peace.
Thank God.
Finally.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
PBOX: The SEE Program
When you’re 20 (and single), your world would most likely revolve around school, family, friends, clothes, movies, partying, the opposite sex –among other things. It’s during this time when you start thinking about your future, you’re slowly preparing yourself as you map out your world. It can be pretty exciting. But for one 20 year old I know, things unraveled quite hastily, leaving her thoughts with priorities unfamiliar to most her age. It has been 4 months since her world view was challenged and her boundaries broken.
And let me tell you, my life hasn’t been the same since April.
I have always been sheltered, nothing was asked of me except decent grades and I was stuck in that rut thinking there wasn’t anything I could do. Although I was always encouraged and was well aware of what has become of our world, I confined myself to dwell on the trivial things I was accustomed to – and seeing everyone else doing the same didn’t help any better. But despite the nugatory things I was busy tending to, I had a dream. A dream to touch lives, spawn change and forge impact. It never dawned on me that I would be realizing that dream so early in my life but that, I did.
Since its conception on April 18, (yes I took note of it) on that fateful Wednesday night at Starbucks in Podium (every little detail of the memory), the SEE Program has undoubtedly turned my life around. True to AIESEC fashion, my team and I took on the challenge of welcoming 14 international volunteers to become stewards of the Social Entrepreneurship Experience (SEE) Foundation. Apart from recognizing the relevance of the program, the fact that this would be the first PBOX of AIESEC Philippines, added a whole lot of purpose for the project. While the thought of bringing 14 foreign souls to our shores was a cause of excitement, it was the nature of the project that kept me up at night wishing it was already morning (so that I can work on it again). The PBOX otherwise known as the SEE Program, "commits to harnessing the entrepreneurial spirit of the Filipino people, fuel their potentials and provide channels of opportunities while compelling them to become better stewards of the society”. The trainees immersed themselves in total Filipino living as well as giving probable aid to the growing problem of unemployment and poverty as they mentored micro entrepreneurs either to develop their business plans or run their already established businesses. We believe that this was a fitting gift to the country and to its people. We engineered the project in a way for the foreign volunteers to have a full-on view of the Philippines’ condition and hoped that despite what they see, they’d fall in love with the country nonetheless.
Wanting to expose the trainees to everything Filipino, we went all out – food, music, language, habits, sites, culture and its reality as a country. They dug through crap, built and painted walls at Gawad Kalinga and to our surprise, they kept going back. They held art therapy sessions with Hearing Impaired and Autistic kids, home stayed with poor families, visited a cooperative, attended countless business expos and seminars, visited museums, saw down town Manila, went on exposure trips to Bohol, Banaue, Tagaytay, Palawan, Pangasinan, showcased their countries with the weekly international nights we held for them, saw government offices and officials, met the president and along all these things, they mentored, helped and inspired the micro entrepreneurs they met. They were here for only 2 months but the impact of their everyday commitment to help and be one with the project made all the difference anyone could ever imagine.
Yes, it was tough. It has been tough. Draining. Exhuasting and it came to a point when it seemed all too impossible. There were nights when I'd cry myself to sleep from sheer exhaustion and knowing that tomorrow was going to be just as exhausting, if not even more. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the roughness I was crying over. It was more of the constant problems that caused all the stress that really made me give. And while traipsing around town (trainee-sitting as I liked calling it), tending over 14 foreign people bearing different cultures, traditions and opinions, losing sleep (and money) wasn’t really my idea of a weekly itinerary but nevertheless I took the plunge. I never knew what tired really meant until after the PBOX but what I was fortunate to witness daily made all the long nights and back pains of no consequence. It was so humbling to see foreigners opening their hearts to the people they’ve met and imparting whatever they had. I remember seeing them working so hard in Baseco while volunteering for Gawad Kalinga and thinking that despite all the problems our country seem to never get enough of , we’re lucky have people from well-off families and nations willing to dig through crap only to help build someone a home. I felt that if they took the time out to sweat and get dirty, then who are we to sit around and memorize every possible show there is on TV?! It was a reawakening for me and if only everyone had the chance to see what I did, then maybe something good may turn up soon.
This project, inasmuch as this was for the trainees, was a curved blade that pierced through my heart. I put so much into it that 90% of my days were spent working for the project and the other 10% was spent thinking about it. What I went through for this was just as funny as they were mind-boggling. I don’t think I have put up so much impossible hours before, slept so little, worked so hard, visited the airport that many times. I never ever thought I would be spending so much time (or anytime at all) in the Immigration or in a police station (don’t get any ideas) and I never dreamed it possible to hike 8 hours but all that, I did and boy was it all worth it.
I knew at some point that I would be moved by this experience but little did I know that my life would be enriched a hundred thousand folds. My life has definitely been changed, impermeably and forever.
From the experiences came the lessons that I’ve gathered. From understanding cultural differences, to patience, time management (ehem), resourcefulness and even forgiveness. I have learned the value of humility and discovered what genuine service really meant. I have learned to control my emotions, took responsibility more seriously, gracefully owned up to mistakes and relearned what optimism was all about. I bore witness to the impossible heights one can climb to get to the highest peak, be it conquering a real mountain (in Banaue) or the challenge of delivering excellence in everything we do. I was again impassioned by the people I have been blessed to work with. I have written here quite a number of times how hard I was being to my team and I now know that it was just stress talking and often times, screaming. I think I’ve been through all kinds of emotions in the last 2-3 months. It has been a real test for me, my patience (haha) and my team. I think I've said it once here that, I don't think I've grown up more in the past 20 years than than I did this past 3 months. I'm still a crybaby and I still get crazy mood swings but I'd like to believe that although there's still such a long way to go, I've certainly grown up. Halmen keeps telling me how lucky I am and even though I know that by heart, that fact sometimes escapes me every time I wander into the useless stage of self-pity. I've had my high points and my alarmingly low, low points and I think it goes without saying that I am indeed in regret of the moments that passed by that I spent sulking and feeling bad. But then again that is a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again being the drama queen that I am. They remain the pillars ever so steadily holding me firm enough to stand tall. This project wouldn’t have made it through if not for them… I am the leader that I am because of the team that I have. I have made great friends from across the world while deepening those I already have. Great memories were sealed and people were brought closer. I don’t think anyone can be more blessed.
To top it off, I traveled and saw the Philippines in a new light, with new awakened eyes. I never really took much notice (as I’m sure most of you as well) but looking at the expressions of wonder written across their faces, I slid a tear or two, not only because I know they’ve truly fallen in love with our country but because, thanks to them, I too have fallen all over again, if not more. Every time they’d stop to bask in a view or express thanks for someone’s generosity, I stand back and smile. It was a long time coming but I can’t stress any further how proud I am to be Filipino.
The past months has been a 2 way track, I gave just as much as I have given. I can never pick out one favorite moment from the whole experience primarily because each carved its own niche in my heart. I will forever hold dear the goofy antics each of the trainees had, the stories, opinions we shared, the hugs we exchanged, from the arguments we had to the problems we overcame. But the true gift that this experience gave me was how much I have grown as a person and how much I have gotten to know myself more.
The SEE Program has drawn to a close. The curtains have been dropped and behind it were the people who gave it their all despite the many challenges. There were slip ups but for those who saw the program for what it truly was about and recognized its contribution, the mistakes are but interesting surprises that popped out every now and then. It wasn’t perfect but I can most certainly say that it still deserves an encore.
"It all started with a dream.. A dream of creating impact and sparking a difference. From a vision of 20 participants, fate brought us 14 people who were bound to change our lives forever. . .
Cem Bagdatli from TURKEY. Charlotte from Martin. Kim Dam Hee from Korea. Nynke Smit from the Netherlands. Betul Albayrak from the Netherlands. Marleen Stavenuiter from the Netherlands. Adnan Kabir from Bangladesh. Julia Chen from China. Janet Wang from China. Jessica Cao from China. Sydney Shi from China. Martyna Okoneiwska from Poland. Regula Seewer from Switzerland. Jitender Kumar from India.
AIESEC in the Entrepreneurs School of Asia PBOX: Social Entrepreneurship Experience season 01.
The past two months has been tough but a journey that was well worth it. And it wouldn't be the great experience that it was if not for...
Marleen's trousers, Martyna's soulful voice, Adnan's photography skills, JK's dance moves, Charlotte's brownies, Julia's internet phone calls, Nynke's licorice, Betul's shoes, Tam's shopping sprees, Regula's laugh, Janet's glasses, Sydney's shy smile, Jessica's lost camera and Cem's curly hair.
We hope you know what and how much you've done... You inspired. You helped. You made a difference and you changed lives. You came here as trainees, you became a real part of the school, you became stewards of the SEE Foudation, you became part of our family.. You came, you stayed and you conquered our hearts.
We thought we were lucky organizing the first PBOX of the Philippines but now we realized that we're just as lucky as we're blessed to have met each of you. Thank you for letting us in your lives. We hope you enjoyed your stay the same way we enjoyed having you here. For the commitment, dedication and patience you've shown.. The laughs, the good times, even the not so good ones, the unforgettable memories.. MARAMING, MARAMING SALAMAT. Let us not say goodbye... instead let's say Until Next Time.
The Entrepreneurs School of Asia, the SEE Foundation and AIESEC bids you good luck on your journeys and we will miss you."
This is the text from the farewell video we made as we said goodbye to our 14 friends. I never thought that day would come… I crossed days off my calendar. Counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's finally over, I'm sorry it is because it means closing a chapter with people who have inspired me, people who have changed my life, perennially and forever.
I also regret one thing, that I neglected my blog which caused a lot of undocumented memories. Memories that would have produced the funniest, craziest, mushiest and even most controversial entries. I'm trying to recall everything that happened and I guess no matter how I try to offer information about the past, it's never going to provide the same emotions should I have written them after the experiences.. But anyway, no use crying over spilled milk.
I have yet to write another litany in honor of my team but since my eyes are starting to sting, i'm gonna leave that for another day.. To my team: MAGHINTAY KAYO! PAIIYAKIN KO ULET KAYO! (Lagot ka Max!)
And let me tell you, my life hasn’t been the same since April.
I have always been sheltered, nothing was asked of me except decent grades and I was stuck in that rut thinking there wasn’t anything I could do. Although I was always encouraged and was well aware of what has become of our world, I confined myself to dwell on the trivial things I was accustomed to – and seeing everyone else doing the same didn’t help any better. But despite the nugatory things I was busy tending to, I had a dream. A dream to touch lives, spawn change and forge impact. It never dawned on me that I would be realizing that dream so early in my life but that, I did.
Since its conception on April 18, (yes I took note of it) on that fateful Wednesday night at Starbucks in Podium (every little detail of the memory), the SEE Program has undoubtedly turned my life around. True to AIESEC fashion, my team and I took on the challenge of welcoming 14 international volunteers to become stewards of the Social Entrepreneurship Experience (SEE) Foundation. Apart from recognizing the relevance of the program, the fact that this would be the first PBOX of AIESEC Philippines, added a whole lot of purpose for the project. While the thought of bringing 14 foreign souls to our shores was a cause of excitement, it was the nature of the project that kept me up at night wishing it was already morning (so that I can work on it again). The PBOX otherwise known as the SEE Program, "commits to harnessing the entrepreneurial spirit of the Filipino people, fuel their potentials and provide channels of opportunities while compelling them to become better stewards of the society”. The trainees immersed themselves in total Filipino living as well as giving probable aid to the growing problem of unemployment and poverty as they mentored micro entrepreneurs either to develop their business plans or run their already established businesses. We believe that this was a fitting gift to the country and to its people. We engineered the project in a way for the foreign volunteers to have a full-on view of the Philippines’ condition and hoped that despite what they see, they’d fall in love with the country nonetheless.
Wanting to expose the trainees to everything Filipino, we went all out – food, music, language, habits, sites, culture and its reality as a country. They dug through crap, built and painted walls at Gawad Kalinga and to our surprise, they kept going back. They held art therapy sessions with Hearing Impaired and Autistic kids, home stayed with poor families, visited a cooperative, attended countless business expos and seminars, visited museums, saw down town Manila, went on exposure trips to Bohol, Banaue, Tagaytay, Palawan, Pangasinan, showcased their countries with the weekly international nights we held for them, saw government offices and officials, met the president and along all these things, they mentored, helped and inspired the micro entrepreneurs they met. They were here for only 2 months but the impact of their everyday commitment to help and be one with the project made all the difference anyone could ever imagine.
Yes, it was tough. It has been tough. Draining. Exhuasting and it came to a point when it seemed all too impossible. There were nights when I'd cry myself to sleep from sheer exhaustion and knowing that tomorrow was going to be just as exhausting, if not even more. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the roughness I was crying over. It was more of the constant problems that caused all the stress that really made me give. And while traipsing around town (trainee-sitting as I liked calling it), tending over 14 foreign people bearing different cultures, traditions and opinions, losing sleep (and money) wasn’t really my idea of a weekly itinerary but nevertheless I took the plunge. I never knew what tired really meant until after the PBOX but what I was fortunate to witness daily made all the long nights and back pains of no consequence. It was so humbling to see foreigners opening their hearts to the people they’ve met and imparting whatever they had. I remember seeing them working so hard in Baseco while volunteering for Gawad Kalinga and thinking that despite all the problems our country seem to never get enough of , we’re lucky have people from well-off families and nations willing to dig through crap only to help build someone a home. I felt that if they took the time out to sweat and get dirty, then who are we to sit around and memorize every possible show there is on TV?! It was a reawakening for me and if only everyone had the chance to see what I did, then maybe something good may turn up soon.
This project, inasmuch as this was for the trainees, was a curved blade that pierced through my heart. I put so much into it that 90% of my days were spent working for the project and the other 10% was spent thinking about it. What I went through for this was just as funny as they were mind-boggling. I don’t think I have put up so much impossible hours before, slept so little, worked so hard, visited the airport that many times. I never ever thought I would be spending so much time (or anytime at all) in the Immigration or in a police station (don’t get any ideas) and I never dreamed it possible to hike 8 hours but all that, I did and boy was it all worth it.
I knew at some point that I would be moved by this experience but little did I know that my life would be enriched a hundred thousand folds. My life has definitely been changed, impermeably and forever.
From the experiences came the lessons that I’ve gathered. From understanding cultural differences, to patience, time management (ehem), resourcefulness and even forgiveness. I have learned the value of humility and discovered what genuine service really meant. I have learned to control my emotions, took responsibility more seriously, gracefully owned up to mistakes and relearned what optimism was all about. I bore witness to the impossible heights one can climb to get to the highest peak, be it conquering a real mountain (in Banaue) or the challenge of delivering excellence in everything we do. I was again impassioned by the people I have been blessed to work with. I have written here quite a number of times how hard I was being to my team and I now know that it was just stress talking and often times, screaming. I think I’ve been through all kinds of emotions in the last 2-3 months. It has been a real test for me, my patience (haha) and my team. I think I've said it once here that, I don't think I've grown up more in the past 20 years than than I did this past 3 months. I'm still a crybaby and I still get crazy mood swings but I'd like to believe that although there's still such a long way to go, I've certainly grown up. Halmen keeps telling me how lucky I am and even though I know that by heart, that fact sometimes escapes me every time I wander into the useless stage of self-pity. I've had my high points and my alarmingly low, low points and I think it goes without saying that I am indeed in regret of the moments that passed by that I spent sulking and feeling bad. But then again that is a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again being the drama queen that I am. They remain the pillars ever so steadily holding me firm enough to stand tall. This project wouldn’t have made it through if not for them… I am the leader that I am because of the team that I have. I have made great friends from across the world while deepening those I already have. Great memories were sealed and people were brought closer. I don’t think anyone can be more blessed.
To top it off, I traveled and saw the Philippines in a new light, with new awakened eyes. I never really took much notice (as I’m sure most of you as well) but looking at the expressions of wonder written across their faces, I slid a tear or two, not only because I know they’ve truly fallen in love with our country but because, thanks to them, I too have fallen all over again, if not more. Every time they’d stop to bask in a view or express thanks for someone’s generosity, I stand back and smile. It was a long time coming but I can’t stress any further how proud I am to be Filipino.
The past months has been a 2 way track, I gave just as much as I have given. I can never pick out one favorite moment from the whole experience primarily because each carved its own niche in my heart. I will forever hold dear the goofy antics each of the trainees had, the stories, opinions we shared, the hugs we exchanged, from the arguments we had to the problems we overcame. But the true gift that this experience gave me was how much I have grown as a person and how much I have gotten to know myself more.
The SEE Program has drawn to a close. The curtains have been dropped and behind it were the people who gave it their all despite the many challenges. There were slip ups but for those who saw the program for what it truly was about and recognized its contribution, the mistakes are but interesting surprises that popped out every now and then. It wasn’t perfect but I can most certainly say that it still deserves an encore.
"It all started with a dream.. A dream of creating impact and sparking a difference. From a vision of 20 participants, fate brought us 14 people who were bound to change our lives forever. . .
Cem Bagdatli from TURKEY. Charlotte from Martin. Kim Dam Hee from Korea. Nynke Smit from the Netherlands. Betul Albayrak from the Netherlands. Marleen Stavenuiter from the Netherlands. Adnan Kabir from Bangladesh. Julia Chen from China. Janet Wang from China. Jessica Cao from China. Sydney Shi from China. Martyna Okoneiwska from Poland. Regula Seewer from Switzerland. Jitender Kumar from India.
AIESEC in the Entrepreneurs School of Asia PBOX: Social Entrepreneurship Experience season 01.
The past two months has been tough but a journey that was well worth it. And it wouldn't be the great experience that it was if not for...
Marleen's trousers, Martyna's soulful voice, Adnan's photography skills, JK's dance moves, Charlotte's brownies, Julia's internet phone calls, Nynke's licorice, Betul's shoes, Tam's shopping sprees, Regula's laugh, Janet's glasses, Sydney's shy smile, Jessica's lost camera and Cem's curly hair.
We hope you know what and how much you've done... You inspired. You helped. You made a difference and you changed lives. You came here as trainees, you became a real part of the school, you became stewards of the SEE Foudation, you became part of our family.. You came, you stayed and you conquered our hearts.
We thought we were lucky organizing the first PBOX of the Philippines but now we realized that we're just as lucky as we're blessed to have met each of you. Thank you for letting us in your lives. We hope you enjoyed your stay the same way we enjoyed having you here. For the commitment, dedication and patience you've shown.. The laughs, the good times, even the not so good ones, the unforgettable memories.. MARAMING, MARAMING SALAMAT. Let us not say goodbye... instead let's say Until Next Time.
The Entrepreneurs School of Asia, the SEE Foundation and AIESEC bids you good luck on your journeys and we will miss you."
This is the text from the farewell video we made as we said goodbye to our 14 friends. I never thought that day would come… I crossed days off my calendar. Counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's finally over, I'm sorry it is because it means closing a chapter with people who have inspired me, people who have changed my life, perennially and forever.
I also regret one thing, that I neglected my blog which caused a lot of undocumented memories. Memories that would have produced the funniest, craziest, mushiest and even most controversial entries. I'm trying to recall everything that happened and I guess no matter how I try to offer information about the past, it's never going to provide the same emotions should I have written them after the experiences.. But anyway, no use crying over spilled milk.
I have yet to write another litany in honor of my team but since my eyes are starting to sting, i'm gonna leave that for another day.. To my team: MAGHINTAY KAYO! PAIIYAKIN KO ULET KAYO! (Lagot ka Max!)
Saturday, August 26, 2006
NOTHING is ever what it seems
I might be doing the bravest thing yet..
I just hope this doesn't get me anymore hurt than I already am.
I just hope this doesn't get me anymore hurt than I already am.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
of sunshines, rainbows and tomorrows
Libra
August 18 Horoscope
The Bottom Line
Listen to others when they tell you to take it easy -- and ask them for ideas.
In Detail
It is not always easy to get the right perspective on your life -- especially right now, when things might feel a bit up in the air. But don't let unknown variables add too much stress to this current situation. Today you will have time to take a step back and let go of the idea that you have to control every little detail. Listen to other people and ask them for ideas when they tell you to take it easy. They might suggest something that sparks your creativity in an exciting new way.
This can't be anymore true.
I can't get over how hard things have been for me lately.. Been trying to get a hold of myself and my emotions before they again leave me empty. I am a blank canvas right now eager to have myself painted.. All my plans are liquified and God knows when I'll be able to grasp on them again.
I am in a daze.. A parallel universe of some sort where no one and nothing else exist.. Might I add, it's pitch black. I have always been certain of myself and of what I wanted to do but I guess there will always come a time when a reconstruction is inevitable.
A part of me is filled with gaiety knowing full well that I am a very blessed person. I take my cue from the wonderful things, experiences and memories I have been fortunate enough to have. I am happy and I am contented. I am complete in the aspects most people might still be in search of.. But I am lonely. And just so you know, being alone sucks.
Majorly.
I open my heart to the possibility of free falling to the unknown. How unchartered the territory can be will continuously plague me but I have decided to keep my head up knowing all too well that there is no battle that I can not endure so long as I have His hand wrapped around mine. I know there will be bumpy roads, terrible terrains and all things disastrous and horrible but I also know there will be smiles and laughters and happiness.
Life has its ups and downs. There are good and bad days. Now the sun may be up there beaming fiercely and the next, cats and dogs might be pouring down but that's not what matters. What matters is that no matter how uncertain, unpredictable, lonely, cruel and harsh life can be just like the weather, I know it takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow.
I cried myself to sleep last night but it was one of those moments when I was happiest. Happiest at recognizing everything about me and my life. I have had a tough journey and I know this is only the beginning. Heck i'm only 20. I chose to smile and await the bright sunshines of each day welcoming every bit of experience I can take in. I will bask in the glory of hope and celebrate the promise of tomorrow because I know I deserve all the happiness I am about to partake.
I will one day come full circle with myself. Time will come when I really will be okay.. I know I will.
I just don't know when.
August 18 Horoscope
The Bottom Line
Listen to others when they tell you to take it easy -- and ask them for ideas.
In Detail
It is not always easy to get the right perspective on your life -- especially right now, when things might feel a bit up in the air. But don't let unknown variables add too much stress to this current situation. Today you will have time to take a step back and let go of the idea that you have to control every little detail. Listen to other people and ask them for ideas when they tell you to take it easy. They might suggest something that sparks your creativity in an exciting new way.
This can't be anymore true.
I can't get over how hard things have been for me lately.. Been trying to get a hold of myself and my emotions before they again leave me empty. I am a blank canvas right now eager to have myself painted.. All my plans are liquified and God knows when I'll be able to grasp on them again.
I am in a daze.. A parallel universe of some sort where no one and nothing else exist.. Might I add, it's pitch black. I have always been certain of myself and of what I wanted to do but I guess there will always come a time when a reconstruction is inevitable.
A part of me is filled with gaiety knowing full well that I am a very blessed person. I take my cue from the wonderful things, experiences and memories I have been fortunate enough to have. I am happy and I am contented. I am complete in the aspects most people might still be in search of.. But I am lonely. And just so you know, being alone sucks.
Majorly.
I open my heart to the possibility of free falling to the unknown. How unchartered the territory can be will continuously plague me but I have decided to keep my head up knowing all too well that there is no battle that I can not endure so long as I have His hand wrapped around mine. I know there will be bumpy roads, terrible terrains and all things disastrous and horrible but I also know there will be smiles and laughters and happiness.
Life has its ups and downs. There are good and bad days. Now the sun may be up there beaming fiercely and the next, cats and dogs might be pouring down but that's not what matters. What matters is that no matter how uncertain, unpredictable, lonely, cruel and harsh life can be just like the weather, I know it takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow.
I cried myself to sleep last night but it was one of those moments when I was happiest. Happiest at recognizing everything about me and my life. I have had a tough journey and I know this is only the beginning. Heck i'm only 20. I chose to smile and await the bright sunshines of each day welcoming every bit of experience I can take in. I will bask in the glory of hope and celebrate the promise of tomorrow because I know I deserve all the happiness I am about to partake.
I will one day come full circle with myself. Time will come when I really will be okay.. I know I will.
I just don't know when.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Holding On Part II
Holding on is such a tricky, tricky field to play in.. It can cause severe damage and a hell lot of pain. But it's the sanest place to be right now.. The only stable ground so I give, I concede. Allow me to stay here, rest myself (and my bruised, bruised heart) and relax a bit.. Something I ought to do more but when you've stuff you've never felt before happen to you.. Resting just isn't an option.
Holding on. Yea. Maybe it is a good plan. Let's just hope it's a plan that won't hurt me.. as much. Aaaaahh. The feeling of free falling. Bliss.
Yeeowuch.
Prayers have been answered, dots have been connected, heaven has opened up.. but well, I guess it's just not written in the stars. Hmmmm. But who knows.
I sure as hell don't.
Holding on. Yea. Maybe it is a good plan. Let's just hope it's a plan that won't hurt me.. as much. Aaaaahh. The feeling of free falling. Bliss.
Yeeowuch.
Prayers have been answered, dots have been connected, heaven has opened up.. but well, I guess it's just not written in the stars. Hmmmm. But who knows.
I sure as hell don't.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Hanging on
I don't know how I feel right about now. I feel so clouded in the area up there. Everything seems so crazy and it's not the fun-kind-of-crazy. It's one of those things you wish you had an eraser to completely black out everything.. But sadly, no brain has that capacity and I am learning that lesson the very tough way.
I know it's been a while since you've all been filled in about my life so far and i'm not even going to try explaining it cause I can't.. So much has happened and it's all too much to write. My heart is too full with experiences and I know deep down that I have never felt more complete in my entire life.
Almost 2 months ago, my team and I embarked on an AIESEC journey that I never thought would hold this much meaning in my life.. but lo and behold, I can't think of any other way to seal my AIESEC experience than handling the first PBOX of the AIESEC in the Philippines. Call me cocky but this fact will always mean the world to me and my team especially with everything we have done and gained from this incredibly life changing two-months. It has been hard, frustrating, draining. It was mentally, physically and financially straining but all the more rewarding. I have never seen a group enslave themselves as much as my team did and I think it's sad that I don't get to express how utterly grateful I am that to be surrounded by solid people like them.. None of the amazing memories would ever come through if one would exit the picture. I am eternally indebted to them.
To the 14 international souls who graced my country for nearly 2 months, I don't think I can ever explain how much they have changed my life. They have pierced through my eyes and made me see things the way I never considered before. I am blessed to have known them and will continue to be thankful that I crossed paths with 14 outstanding individuals.
To Cem, Charlotte and Jessica who will all go back to their homes, I wish nothing but the very best for all of you. You all have earned for yourselves niches in my heart and no one can ever change how thankful I am for meeting you.
Today was an especially mind-boggling day. The randomness of the world has completely fallen down on my shoulders and landed right in front of my face. A couple of hours ago, I had the ultimate wake up call and it almost left me deaf.
I have said this over and over again but for the sake of those who have just "tuned in" and are lazy to scroll down to read, I have never been inlove. I have had 4 relationships but never have I truly, honestly fallen inlove. Don't look at me, I don't know why either.
But over the past month, I've been blessed to know what it feels like to actually fall. Hence I really haven't fallen but knowing it was inevitable somehow made me feel good and well, back then I was very much in anticipation. Tonight, this morning rather, changed it all. The cards have been laid down, everything has been turned inside out.. Everything has been spoken for and I thank Him for not letting me fall flat on my face. I don't exactly know how everything was concluded, all I know is that I'm okay. Okay with how things turned out.. Okay with how things can turn out to be and i'm okay even with the things I am certainly uncertain of. I am okay and though it took me a while to get here, I've never been so glad to be anywhere but here before.
I have been through heaps and heaps of chaos, problems and whatever it is you wanna call it. I've programmed myself to be perennially independent and stoic towards any kind of emotional attachments. I was two when my father died and since then I think I never ever fully attached myself to anyone knowing full well they would eventually go. I know that's not the healthiest way to lead but it has kept me going for a good number of years so I thought why not just use it permanently.. Until one day, I just felt it. That feeling I have never even so much entertained before and then.. Kaboom. Out of nowhere, I was smacked right in the heart of that unchartered territory flailing my arms wildly hoping, praying someone could see me yelping for help and get me out of there. No one came and emotions were doing its thing. It caused me a great deal of energy comtemplating what to do with him and even more energy "figuring" him out.
I now have all the answers and boy were they far out. It came bolting out of nowhere knocking me down to unconscious and til now I'm seeing stars. As he puts it, I now have all the facts but I don't know if he does.
I don't know if he knows how much I've been praying for this. I don't know if he knows how I'm willing to see this through. I don't know if he knows how cool I am about everything that he's opened up.. and I don't know if he knows how I am so sure of my feelings. But as I have decided, that isn't up to me. I'm contented knowing I have been true to myself, said all I had to say and understand whatever and everything I had (and needed) to understand.
It sucks.
But as all things in my life, i'll get over this and move on.. A different chapter will always keep on opening and I can never stress how grateful I am that God is entrusting me with another day to learn about myself, others and the world.. That how although I have not been the best person, I know He knows I have always tried.
As I try to hold back the tears, they stubbornly slid down ever so slowly as if anticipating for me to bawl even harder but no, that wouldn't help so instead i'm going to breathe, bask in the ray of dawn and smile through the persistent crows of my heart especially when it knows how I can never fully forget.. I can try but knowing me, I never will.
I have mastered the art of letting go but for the first time in my life, I'm exploring the wonderful world of holding on.
Wish me luck.
I know it's been a while since you've all been filled in about my life so far and i'm not even going to try explaining it cause I can't.. So much has happened and it's all too much to write. My heart is too full with experiences and I know deep down that I have never felt more complete in my entire life.
Almost 2 months ago, my team and I embarked on an AIESEC journey that I never thought would hold this much meaning in my life.. but lo and behold, I can't think of any other way to seal my AIESEC experience than handling the first PBOX of the AIESEC in the Philippines. Call me cocky but this fact will always mean the world to me and my team especially with everything we have done and gained from this incredibly life changing two-months. It has been hard, frustrating, draining. It was mentally, physically and financially straining but all the more rewarding. I have never seen a group enslave themselves as much as my team did and I think it's sad that I don't get to express how utterly grateful I am that to be surrounded by solid people like them.. None of the amazing memories would ever come through if one would exit the picture. I am eternally indebted to them.
To the 14 international souls who graced my country for nearly 2 months, I don't think I can ever explain how much they have changed my life. They have pierced through my eyes and made me see things the way I never considered before. I am blessed to have known them and will continue to be thankful that I crossed paths with 14 outstanding individuals.
To Cem, Charlotte and Jessica who will all go back to their homes, I wish nothing but the very best for all of you. You all have earned for yourselves niches in my heart and no one can ever change how thankful I am for meeting you.
Today was an especially mind-boggling day. The randomness of the world has completely fallen down on my shoulders and landed right in front of my face. A couple of hours ago, I had the ultimate wake up call and it almost left me deaf.
I have said this over and over again but for the sake of those who have just "tuned in" and are lazy to scroll down to read, I have never been inlove. I have had 4 relationships but never have I truly, honestly fallen inlove. Don't look at me, I don't know why either.
But over the past month, I've been blessed to know what it feels like to actually fall. Hence I really haven't fallen but knowing it was inevitable somehow made me feel good and well, back then I was very much in anticipation. Tonight, this morning rather, changed it all. The cards have been laid down, everything has been turned inside out.. Everything has been spoken for and I thank Him for not letting me fall flat on my face. I don't exactly know how everything was concluded, all I know is that I'm okay. Okay with how things turned out.. Okay with how things can turn out to be and i'm okay even with the things I am certainly uncertain of. I am okay and though it took me a while to get here, I've never been so glad to be anywhere but here before.
I have been through heaps and heaps of chaos, problems and whatever it is you wanna call it. I've programmed myself to be perennially independent and stoic towards any kind of emotional attachments. I was two when my father died and since then I think I never ever fully attached myself to anyone knowing full well they would eventually go. I know that's not the healthiest way to lead but it has kept me going for a good number of years so I thought why not just use it permanently.. Until one day, I just felt it. That feeling I have never even so much entertained before and then.. Kaboom. Out of nowhere, I was smacked right in the heart of that unchartered territory flailing my arms wildly hoping, praying someone could see me yelping for help and get me out of there. No one came and emotions were doing its thing. It caused me a great deal of energy comtemplating what to do with him and even more energy "figuring" him out.
I now have all the answers and boy were they far out. It came bolting out of nowhere knocking me down to unconscious and til now I'm seeing stars. As he puts it, I now have all the facts but I don't know if he does.
I don't know if he knows how much I've been praying for this. I don't know if he knows how I'm willing to see this through. I don't know if he knows how cool I am about everything that he's opened up.. and I don't know if he knows how I am so sure of my feelings. But as I have decided, that isn't up to me. I'm contented knowing I have been true to myself, said all I had to say and understand whatever and everything I had (and needed) to understand.
It sucks.
But as all things in my life, i'll get over this and move on.. A different chapter will always keep on opening and I can never stress how grateful I am that God is entrusting me with another day to learn about myself, others and the world.. That how although I have not been the best person, I know He knows I have always tried.
As I try to hold back the tears, they stubbornly slid down ever so slowly as if anticipating for me to bawl even harder but no, that wouldn't help so instead i'm going to breathe, bask in the ray of dawn and smile through the persistent crows of my heart especially when it knows how I can never fully forget.. I can try but knowing me, I never will.
I have mastered the art of letting go but for the first time in my life, I'm exploring the wonderful world of holding on.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Long time coming
It has been AGES since I have been online due to my broken computer (for the hundred millionth time) and my currently swamped LCP and student life. I don't know when I'm going to get my old life back but hell, i've never been happier whilst getting next to zero zzzs.
I will try to keep everyone posted but once I get back online, prepare to get sick of my entries.
I will try to keep everyone posted but once I get back online, prepare to get sick of my entries.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Rush of Days
Today I proved how stoic I truly am. I always knew how I don't have attachments but woah.. Talk about breaking free, I am now, as I realize, the single most detached person in the face of the planet.
It's starting to scare me.
Today I haven't slept. AT ALL. And since I can't seem to fall asleep, I decided to just pour it all here. A family friend of ours died this morning. I was awakened by a phone call saying my friend was rushed to the hospital and sensing the urgency, I went. It was 4am. I, of course went knowing that the girl didn't have family in Manila (she's originally from a Province 3 hours North of Manila). To my surprise, I found her dead in the hospital. Car accident. Hit and Run. The car was a mess, she wasn't wearing seatbelt and well.. you know what became of her.
She was 18, smart and a sweet girl. She and I were never really close but I knew she was bound to go places. But this morning, as I hustled through all the documentations that needed done, difficult phone calls I had to make and simply the pure chaos that I had to withstand, I realized what a breeze that was for me. It was like a deja vu only it didn't happen just once and this time I think I was handling someone's loss like a pro. It was maybe the fact that I have witnessed death so much that I am now numb from the thought of never seeing those people again or am I just plain callous? Hmmm. But knowing me, it should be the former. I'm still bouyantly optimistic and yes, I can get pretty stoic sometimes but I still do feel grief and sadness and all those not-so-pleasant stuff. I guess I just handle myself a tad bit better than others when it comes to these things and right now, I am taking full advantage of it.
As my head throbs and my eyes water, I can't help but think how everything in life can be so fleeting.. How everything can just come and go unexpectedly. It compelled me to do a bit of life analysis and at the end of my soliloquy, I have come to realize that I am (still) indeed a very, truly lucky person. Today, after that grueling 6 hours in the hospital, I enjoyed a delicious afternoon with my trainees and my team.. The people who I have been spending almost every single day with for the past month. I can't help but beam now as I look back at how we toured the museum, walked that ridiculous mile long way and had one of the best dinners I've ever had in a long, long time. And despite the glitch again after the dinner (think bankruptcy), despite me losing my shades and JP's umbrella, I think today was nothing more than His way of reminding me how important every single minute, second we have here on Earth. My soul and my eyes are now wide open and ready to humbly submit to His will if only to deliver whatever plans He has set out for me.
As the clock ticked 12 MN, I was again reminded of another miracle that I have had the pleasure of having in my life for 10 months now. This gift is totally an amazing one, bursting with incomparable beauty and undeniably priceless to the core. A rarity to the world and I can't thank Him enough for blessing my life with a gift that I can only find in the lady that is Margaux.
For nearly a year, Max -as I like calling her- has been responsible for all the smiles I have on my face. She has never ceased to be there for me through the start of our friendship on that magical day in ESA's atrium when I saw her in the coach, reading her new purchase of Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants book.
She is a gem of a friend and a jewel of a person. I feel completely indebted to Him for showering my life with a person. I demand to be counting decades with this truly wonderful girl and I know I don't have to worry that much about that.. We're already bounded by heart. Right Max?
Max, I wish you good health, all the luck and love in the world and may you have everything it is that your heart yearns for because you simply deserve nothing less. Thank you for the friendship and I hope you know how much I love you.
It's starting to scare me.
Today I haven't slept. AT ALL. And since I can't seem to fall asleep, I decided to just pour it all here. A family friend of ours died this morning. I was awakened by a phone call saying my friend was rushed to the hospital and sensing the urgency, I went. It was 4am. I, of course went knowing that the girl didn't have family in Manila (she's originally from a Province 3 hours North of Manila). To my surprise, I found her dead in the hospital. Car accident. Hit and Run. The car was a mess, she wasn't wearing seatbelt and well.. you know what became of her.
She was 18, smart and a sweet girl. She and I were never really close but I knew she was bound to go places. But this morning, as I hustled through all the documentations that needed done, difficult phone calls I had to make and simply the pure chaos that I had to withstand, I realized what a breeze that was for me. It was like a deja vu only it didn't happen just once and this time I think I was handling someone's loss like a pro. It was maybe the fact that I have witnessed death so much that I am now numb from the thought of never seeing those people again or am I just plain callous? Hmmm. But knowing me, it should be the former. I'm still bouyantly optimistic and yes, I can get pretty stoic sometimes but I still do feel grief and sadness and all those not-so-pleasant stuff. I guess I just handle myself a tad bit better than others when it comes to these things and right now, I am taking full advantage of it.
As my head throbs and my eyes water, I can't help but think how everything in life can be so fleeting.. How everything can just come and go unexpectedly. It compelled me to do a bit of life analysis and at the end of my soliloquy, I have come to realize that I am (still) indeed a very, truly lucky person. Today, after that grueling 6 hours in the hospital, I enjoyed a delicious afternoon with my trainees and my team.. The people who I have been spending almost every single day with for the past month. I can't help but beam now as I look back at how we toured the museum, walked that ridiculous mile long way and had one of the best dinners I've ever had in a long, long time. And despite the glitch again after the dinner (think bankruptcy), despite me losing my shades and JP's umbrella, I think today was nothing more than His way of reminding me how important every single minute, second we have here on Earth. My soul and my eyes are now wide open and ready to humbly submit to His will if only to deliver whatever plans He has set out for me.
As the clock ticked 12 MN, I was again reminded of another miracle that I have had the pleasure of having in my life for 10 months now. This gift is totally an amazing one, bursting with incomparable beauty and undeniably priceless to the core. A rarity to the world and I can't thank Him enough for blessing my life with a gift that I can only find in the lady that is Margaux.
For nearly a year, Max -as I like calling her- has been responsible for all the smiles I have on my face. She has never ceased to be there for me through the start of our friendship on that magical day in ESA's atrium when I saw her in the coach, reading her new purchase of Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants book.
She is a gem of a friend and a jewel of a person. I feel completely indebted to Him for showering my life with a person. I demand to be counting decades with this truly wonderful girl and I know I don't have to worry that much about that.. We're already bounded by heart. Right Max?
Max, I wish you good health, all the luck and love in the world and may you have everything it is that your heart yearns for because you simply deserve nothing less. Thank you for the friendship and I hope you know how much I love you.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Valentines Sunday
3 of my couple friends are celebrating their anniversaries today, a close family friend is getting married in exactly 8 hours (in New York time)and this morning, as soon as light hit my eyes, I fished for my phone and saw 18 missed calls from my best friend, Kae so I decided to call her and boy, did I get the shock of my life. Kriesha Mae Lopez Ramos, Kae, my best friend circa 1990 back in O.B Montessori, GOT ENGAGED.
Today must be Valentines Sunday in the middle of July.
It hasn't been that long since she started dating her now (gulp) fiancee and although I've never met the guy, except that one time Kae called to introduce him, I can't be any happier for them. I've known Kae for a good long 6 years and I know when she's really happy and let me tell you, the way she screamed and announced her engagement, I know this is what she really wants.
Kae is one of the most selfless people I know and seeing her this happy makes me realize the world still is fair. No one deserves this more than she does and even though she's relatively young for marriage, I don't think there's a more perfect time for someone to tie the knot other than now, they are after all madly inlove. Besides, I know Kae like the back of my hand and I know she wouldn't have said yes if she wasn't truly sold with the idea of spending eternity with Rob. I'm pretty sure she knows what she's doing and is aware of what she just said yes to.
When I told my mom about the good news and after extending her congratulations, she asked me if I too had plans of walking the aisle anytime soon and I couldn't help but laugh and blurt out, "Ma, I think before the walk I should get a guy who'll wait at the altar for me" to which my mom replied, "Then find one. I'd love to see you finally settled in".. My otherwise strict mother, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I don't think I've ever heard my mom talk to me about love that way before. It's so weird.
But you know the ironic thing is? I vowed that if today, nothing happens with regards to that area in my life, I would have it closed -for the time being. I have found that leaving that area wide open has not made any use at all so why keep it ajar? I'm not permanently sealing it shut, a window might pop open every once in a while but at this point, I'm gonna keep it corked on just to salvage myself from again making a fool of myself.
But since it is Valentines Sunday, the last thing I wanna do is spoil it for those enjoying the love blissfully present in the air so I will now rest my case and just indulge in knowing that although I have never been lucky in that department, I'm glad for those like Kae who constantly reminds me that love is, possible.
Today must be Valentines Sunday in the middle of July.
It hasn't been that long since she started dating her now (gulp) fiancee and although I've never met the guy, except that one time Kae called to introduce him, I can't be any happier for them. I've known Kae for a good long 6 years and I know when she's really happy and let me tell you, the way she screamed and announced her engagement, I know this is what she really wants.
Kae is one of the most selfless people I know and seeing her this happy makes me realize the world still is fair. No one deserves this more than she does and even though she's relatively young for marriage, I don't think there's a more perfect time for someone to tie the knot other than now, they are after all madly inlove. Besides, I know Kae like the back of my hand and I know she wouldn't have said yes if she wasn't truly sold with the idea of spending eternity with Rob. I'm pretty sure she knows what she's doing and is aware of what she just said yes to.
When I told my mom about the good news and after extending her congratulations, she asked me if I too had plans of walking the aisle anytime soon and I couldn't help but laugh and blurt out, "Ma, I think before the walk I should get a guy who'll wait at the altar for me" to which my mom replied, "Then find one. I'd love to see you finally settled in".. My otherwise strict mother, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I don't think I've ever heard my mom talk to me about love that way before. It's so weird.
But you know the ironic thing is? I vowed that if today, nothing happens with regards to that area in my life, I would have it closed -for the time being. I have found that leaving that area wide open has not made any use at all so why keep it ajar? I'm not permanently sealing it shut, a window might pop open every once in a while but at this point, I'm gonna keep it corked on just to salvage myself from again making a fool of myself.
But since it is Valentines Sunday, the last thing I wanna do is spoil it for those enjoying the love blissfully present in the air so I will now rest my case and just indulge in knowing that although I have never been lucky in that department, I'm glad for those like Kae who constantly reminds me that love is, possible.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Magical Hands
There are only 2 sure things in this world and life,
1. Death
2. Change
The latter for me, is a lot scarier. The former, if viewed objectively, isn't really an end of an existence but a beginning at yet another phase in our being. Lately I have been battling with changes and none of them has been very good.
I have always been spontaneous but somewhere along my often times lacks persona, thrives a person who yearns for some sense of balance and stableness in my affairs. As of now I am as confused as hell. I have no idea what the next months hold for me. The only thing I am sure of right now are my birthday and christnas and even that at times not pleasant itself. I have been on a soliloquy for weeks now trying to pry out of my system what is I truly want to do. I have plans ready to be carried out but a part of me is pulling me further back to my little hole of comtemplation.
Having recognized that I am completely clueless right now on what the future holds, I have clipped off some aspects of my life that I feel are not serving any good being kept going so as I close a chapter of my life, I hope tomorrow proves to be good enough to make me want to anticipate what's out there more for me.
1. Death
2. Change
The latter for me, is a lot scarier. The former, if viewed objectively, isn't really an end of an existence but a beginning at yet another phase in our being. Lately I have been battling with changes and none of them has been very good.
I have always been spontaneous but somewhere along my often times lacks persona, thrives a person who yearns for some sense of balance and stableness in my affairs. As of now I am as confused as hell. I have no idea what the next months hold for me. The only thing I am sure of right now are my birthday and christnas and even that at times not pleasant itself. I have been on a soliloquy for weeks now trying to pry out of my system what is I truly want to do. I have plans ready to be carried out but a part of me is pulling me further back to my little hole of comtemplation.
Having recognized that I am completely clueless right now on what the future holds, I have clipped off some aspects of my life that I feel are not serving any good being kept going so as I close a chapter of my life, I hope tomorrow proves to be good enough to make me want to anticipate what's out there more for me.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Eyes closing
Event check: FIFA WORLD CUP FINALS 2006
Time check: 2 AM
Venue check: Podium open grounds
Atmosphere check: CRAZY.
Plain, plain crazy.
I watched the World Cup finals for 2 reasons and 2 reasons only: to see Italy win and witness Zidane's last game -ever.
I've always loved soccer (here in the Philippines it's soccer, deal with it) and although I have somehow lost my passion, touch and enthusiasm for playing the sport itself, I can't deny how much I missed playing as I screamed, jumped, clapped, booed and cheered for my one and only Italia. The match this morning was everything but ordinary. No other football game had that same ecstacy from the audience, pride in the players and controversy to boot. To say that the game was amazing is an understatement.
The game was well played, strategies were genuisly crafted and the defenses were nothing short of exhilirating. It was fun seeing the best teams in the league were battling the coveted title of being the World Cup Champions. For a lot of the times, being the only Italy supporter in the bunch, I had to scream and shout if only to feed my clamoring need to see my team win. But it seemed as though France had the ball on their side and I finally felt scared. But then I thought, if France did win, it'll be the worlds' gift to him as he walks away from the league and somehow that was fine with me. Zidane has been an amazing player and I don't think anyone else can contest that fact.
Zidane is Michael Jordan's football equivalent, you'll be taken cared of by your partners. He epitomized the very sense of the home stays and his relevance to the team, aiesec, the country and himself. He is such a graceful player in the sense that you see passion oozing out of him without smothering himself or those he's with. He's a peaceful guy as we have noticed so what he did 3 minutes before the game was an ultimate shock to all of us. Well to 3 minutes (before the game) and it was tied 1-1, the amazing Zidane did the unthinkable. He head-batted Materazzi which was totally uncalled for. I don't know why or how and where but I just want to try.
to be concluded...
Time check: 2 AM
Venue check: Podium open grounds
Atmosphere check: CRAZY.
Plain, plain crazy.
I watched the World Cup finals for 2 reasons and 2 reasons only: to see Italy win and witness Zidane's last game -ever.
I've always loved soccer (here in the Philippines it's soccer, deal with it) and although I have somehow lost my passion, touch and enthusiasm for playing the sport itself, I can't deny how much I missed playing as I screamed, jumped, clapped, booed and cheered for my one and only Italia. The match this morning was everything but ordinary. No other football game had that same ecstacy from the audience, pride in the players and controversy to boot. To say that the game was amazing is an understatement.
The game was well played, strategies were genuisly crafted and the defenses were nothing short of exhilirating. It was fun seeing the best teams in the league were battling the coveted title of being the World Cup Champions. For a lot of the times, being the only Italy supporter in the bunch, I had to scream and shout if only to feed my clamoring need to see my team win. But it seemed as though France had the ball on their side and I finally felt scared. But then I thought, if France did win, it'll be the worlds' gift to him as he walks away from the league and somehow that was fine with me. Zidane has been an amazing player and I don't think anyone else can contest that fact.
Zidane is Michael Jordan's football equivalent, you'll be taken cared of by your partners. He epitomized the very sense of the home stays and his relevance to the team, aiesec, the country and himself. He is such a graceful player in the sense that you see passion oozing out of him without smothering himself or those he's with. He's a peaceful guy as we have noticed so what he did 3 minutes before the game was an ultimate shock to all of us. Well to 3 minutes (before the game) and it was tied 1-1, the amazing Zidane did the unthinkable. He head-batted Materazzi which was totally uncalled for. I don't know why or how and where but I just want to try.
to be concluded...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
You live. You learn.. and then you live some more.
So much has happened in the past weeks that I regret not writing daily here. I could've produced the funniest and most controversial pieces.. Hehehe.
But yes, I have been on a blogger-hibernation and can I just say it has been a completely emotionally and psychologically challenging past couple of weeks. Not to mention physically draining. It even questioned my cultural understanding. Cool. What a month it has been.
I honestly don't know where to begin my tale, everything has been so overwhelming that each day presented a different kind of challenge for me and my most of the time flinching temper. I haven't been in the best mood lately and it has been unfortunately exuding. I actually don't like who I have allowed myself to become. I don't blame anything (or anyone) because I am aware that no one else is responsible for the things that are affecting me other than myself.
If anything, the past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to who and what I truly was: An overly sensitive workaholic who is desperately trying to be mature but is failing miserably. I haven't been the easiest person to work with, not to mention the most crabby boss you'll ever have to deal with and for most people back here, I am a party pooper who knows nothing but work, work and and well, good ol' work.
But I am not just about to apologize because along my many slip-ups was a person trying to reach out, somehow to appeace whatever situation she was in. One who always argued within reason, one who gave everything she did her all and someone who unconditionally loves what she's doing, be it unfair, uncalled for or just plain absurd.
I love my work, my job, my team. Even the fact that I average 5 hours of sleep - on a good day.
For the past weeks, I have been struggling for some alone time and a chance to stand back, to relax. Instead, I find myself typing away here and voicing out how trememdously awakening the past month has been for me. I realized how much I was willing to give for something I believed in. I realized how little I can leave for myself for the people and things I love.. I realized how lucky I was to be in the position I was in and at the same time feel all the more compelled to push myself even harder if only to compensate for my shortcomings. I know it's not healthy but I get by with that mindset and as of now, I'll take anything.
Life has played quite a lot of tricky games with me and through all that, I've always picked myself up from every fall, dusted myself off, shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I've always been very tough, resilient in my quest to finding my own piece of heaven but somehow I find myself ending up in a limbo. I've written about that before and I guess it's something I've been trying to reconcile within myself.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life and everything else that comes with it but there comes a time when it's all a bit too much and you just need some time to really get reacquainted with who you are. This morning I had a good talk with myself and found out three things, three pivotal things:
1. No matter what's happening right now, there is nothing I'd rather be doing than this.
2. That I may sound cynic almost all the time but deep within, I still believe I'd one day have my own fairy tale come true.
3. And that I seriously need to take a break.
The first and last things don't need to be elaborated but I'd like to dig in to the second one.
Yes, I was, still am and will always be a hopeless incurable romantic. I believe in fairy tales, in happy endings and I believe that everyone is meant and deserves to be with someone. I believe in forever, in matrimonial vows, in everlasting devotion to one another and I believe in Fate. In destiny. In soulmates... This is probably why i'm single. But kidding aside, I do believe in love and I can't wait til it finally lands on my doorstep. I know that part of the reason why I have been feeling "attacked" by the world was my pursuit in ignoring the deafening knock someone has been mercilessly pounding on my door for months now. I can hear it ever so clearly but I refuse to let it sink in, in fear that I might actually open the door and let him in. I am scared. Dead scared and I think I somehow allowed work to consume me so much in efforts to escape that zone I feared I was slowly sliding into. Surprisingly over the past few days, I have been pleasantly reminded of how good of a feeling it was to be with someone.. with.
I still guard myself ridiculously but I've learned that fear is the first stage in everything we do in life. After fear you calm down, you look a little closer to understand things, you rationalize whether or not you'll take it in and sometimes if you're lucky, you might just see yourself smiling.
Life I think, will always be filled with certain surprises that it becomes almost inevitable for us to question its existence once it's there but like i've always believed in, life doesn't map out questions along our path for us to answer. They are there to guide, challenge, inspire and knock some sense of responsibilty about how we're steering our wheels towards our future. They are there not to confuse us but to continually instigate that love for learning in us or spark some curiousity enough to challenge us to constantly do better.
My life has been a great big surprise, sometimes I indeed become a party pooper but most of the time, I take it in, bask in all its spontaneous heaven while preparing myself for an even bigger one.
And so far, that has always worked for me.
But yes, I have been on a blogger-hibernation and can I just say it has been a completely emotionally and psychologically challenging past couple of weeks. Not to mention physically draining. It even questioned my cultural understanding. Cool. What a month it has been.
I honestly don't know where to begin my tale, everything has been so overwhelming that each day presented a different kind of challenge for me and my most of the time flinching temper. I haven't been in the best mood lately and it has been unfortunately exuding. I actually don't like who I have allowed myself to become. I don't blame anything (or anyone) because I am aware that no one else is responsible for the things that are affecting me other than myself.
If anything, the past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to who and what I truly was: An overly sensitive workaholic who is desperately trying to be mature but is failing miserably. I haven't been the easiest person to work with, not to mention the most crabby boss you'll ever have to deal with and for most people back here, I am a party pooper who knows nothing but work, work and and well, good ol' work.
But I am not just about to apologize because along my many slip-ups was a person trying to reach out, somehow to appeace whatever situation she was in. One who always argued within reason, one who gave everything she did her all and someone who unconditionally loves what she's doing, be it unfair, uncalled for or just plain absurd.
I love my work, my job, my team. Even the fact that I average 5 hours of sleep - on a good day.
For the past weeks, I have been struggling for some alone time and a chance to stand back, to relax. Instead, I find myself typing away here and voicing out how trememdously awakening the past month has been for me. I realized how much I was willing to give for something I believed in. I realized how little I can leave for myself for the people and things I love.. I realized how lucky I was to be in the position I was in and at the same time feel all the more compelled to push myself even harder if only to compensate for my shortcomings. I know it's not healthy but I get by with that mindset and as of now, I'll take anything.
Life has played quite a lot of tricky games with me and through all that, I've always picked myself up from every fall, dusted myself off, shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I've always been very tough, resilient in my quest to finding my own piece of heaven but somehow I find myself ending up in a limbo. I've written about that before and I guess it's something I've been trying to reconcile within myself.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life and everything else that comes with it but there comes a time when it's all a bit too much and you just need some time to really get reacquainted with who you are. This morning I had a good talk with myself and found out three things, three pivotal things:
1. No matter what's happening right now, there is nothing I'd rather be doing than this.
2. That I may sound cynic almost all the time but deep within, I still believe I'd one day have my own fairy tale come true.
3. And that I seriously need to take a break.
The first and last things don't need to be elaborated but I'd like to dig in to the second one.
Yes, I was, still am and will always be a hopeless incurable romantic. I believe in fairy tales, in happy endings and I believe that everyone is meant and deserves to be with someone. I believe in forever, in matrimonial vows, in everlasting devotion to one another and I believe in Fate. In destiny. In soulmates... This is probably why i'm single. But kidding aside, I do believe in love and I can't wait til it finally lands on my doorstep. I know that part of the reason why I have been feeling "attacked" by the world was my pursuit in ignoring the deafening knock someone has been mercilessly pounding on my door for months now. I can hear it ever so clearly but I refuse to let it sink in, in fear that I might actually open the door and let him in. I am scared. Dead scared and I think I somehow allowed work to consume me so much in efforts to escape that zone I feared I was slowly sliding into. Surprisingly over the past few days, I have been pleasantly reminded of how good of a feeling it was to be with someone.. with.
I still guard myself ridiculously but I've learned that fear is the first stage in everything we do in life. After fear you calm down, you look a little closer to understand things, you rationalize whether or not you'll take it in and sometimes if you're lucky, you might just see yourself smiling.
Life I think, will always be filled with certain surprises that it becomes almost inevitable for us to question its existence once it's there but like i've always believed in, life doesn't map out questions along our path for us to answer. They are there to guide, challenge, inspire and knock some sense of responsibilty about how we're steering our wheels towards our future. They are there not to confuse us but to continually instigate that love for learning in us or spark some curiousity enough to challenge us to constantly do better.
My life has been a great big surprise, sometimes I indeed become a party pooper but most of the time, I take it in, bask in all its spontaneous heaven while preparing myself for an even bigger one.
And so far, that has always worked for me.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Black and Blue
For as long as I can remember, Sundays have always been for family, rest and drifting away from the world even just for a day. Today, I came home knowing I would need to work (in my school) later, a Sunday.
Imagine my disbelief when I am actually subjected to this kind of.. Undertaking. I am cranky, tired and just want to sleep. I keep thinking how hard things will eventually prove themselves to be come end of this week. I can't anymore explain how mentally straining it is to shake this pain of my brain but it's deep seated there so fat chance to him. Gr. I'm not making any sense.
I've to go and relish the last few hours I have of my inevitable toxic life. Adieu.
Imagine my disbelief when I am actually subjected to this kind of.. Undertaking. I am cranky, tired and just want to sleep. I keep thinking how hard things will eventually prove themselves to be come end of this week. I can't anymore explain how mentally straining it is to shake this pain of my brain but it's deep seated there so fat chance to him. Gr. I'm not making any sense.
I've to go and relish the last few hours I have of my inevitable toxic life. Adieu.
Friday, June 23, 2006
crazy little thing called Love
I had a very interesting chat with an AIESEC friend from Austalia (hi Jess!) last night and somehow what we talked about still has a bit of residue in my brain til now. It started off with her asking for my my thoughts on two AIESECers having a better shot at a relationship than an AIESECer involved in a non-AIESECer. I felt my face go numb as memories of not-too-long ago flashed back right before my eyes. I shrugged the feeling off thinking and knowing I was bound to have another can't-sleep-cause-i-have-so-much-going-on-in-my-mind night and God knows I can't afford that right now. So anyway, I shared with her my view on inter-AIESEC relationship, pros and cons and all.
Allow me now to share them with you.
I've been in 4 relationships, all with non-AIESECers and having all of them failed, you might think it's but natural for me to lean on the inter-AIESEC relationship but I'm not going to. Basically because I have a pretty good idea of how a relationship will be with an AIESECer (the operative word being, idea). The best thing however (being with a fellow AIESECer) is that you'd never have to explain how and why things are the way they are (did that make sense?), especially for someone like me whose life undoubtedly cricles around the org. I always say that with how my life is so far, I don't think any sane guy would even consider being with me and personally, I wouldn't want to date myself right now. No guy in his right mind would put up with erratic schedule changes, random overnight sessions, week long absence to baby sit a male trainee and just how I am at AIESEC's every beck and call. No guy would want that and I honestly don't want anyone to experience that because it wouldn't be fair. My friends however tell me all I need is someone who'll sweep me off my feet and by then I'd most gladly walk away from my double life. For a while I thought about it -will I ever feel comfortable compromising my job for a guy?- and after about a minute, I broke down with laughter. I obviously can't.
But the answer is not in looking for an AIESEC lover (that doesn't sound so good but whut the heck) because although he'd probably understand and accept things the way they are, I wouldn't want a relationship based on the passion we feel for an organization. I mean come on, when you enter a relationship, it should be mutually satisfying and should be grounded by love (blech) and catapulted by the desire to be together (this is so not me) but never because of how impassioned you are with something -no matter how amazing it has been proven to be.
Relationships are hard things to find and keep. It takes tremendous efforts to make a relationship work and having miserably failed in 4 attempts, I guess what I'm really doing now is cautiously taking my time, hoping I don't mess up my head anymore than my heart. I have been afflicted by the AIESEC Philippines' curse over those in the EB (be it MC or LC), I have fallen into a trap of single blessedness and yes I am very happy but I'll be honest in saying there are times when I do miss having someone.. I do miss having that one constant person to turn and talk to. I do miss the companionship. But if there's anything I've learned out of the 4 failed tries at couple-dom, it's to never let my emotions get in the way enough for me not to see where I'm at and who's in front of me. That statement right there can mean I'm a cynic and probably I am but I think using my brain this time around can't be all that bad.
I still believe at how magical falling inlove is, although I haven't truly fallen inlove (as to why, well that's another story for another entry), I think I have been bruised far more than what I deserve and thus earning me the right to be this cautious. There had been guys -all amazing in their own ways- who have tried to sway this cautiousness to their advantage but none has succeeded so far.
But I still do dream of being swept off my feet, I do believe in falling inlove and everything else that a relationship stands for and I believe that one day I too will experience love, with all its sickening-mushy-glory.
Allow me now to share them with you.
I've been in 4 relationships, all with non-AIESECers and having all of them failed, you might think it's but natural for me to lean on the inter-AIESEC relationship but I'm not going to. Basically because I have a pretty good idea of how a relationship will be with an AIESECer (the operative word being, idea). The best thing however (being with a fellow AIESECer) is that you'd never have to explain how and why things are the way they are (did that make sense?), especially for someone like me whose life undoubtedly cricles around the org. I always say that with how my life is so far, I don't think any sane guy would even consider being with me and personally, I wouldn't want to date myself right now. No guy in his right mind would put up with erratic schedule changes, random overnight sessions, week long absence to baby sit a male trainee and just how I am at AIESEC's every beck and call. No guy would want that and I honestly don't want anyone to experience that because it wouldn't be fair. My friends however tell me all I need is someone who'll sweep me off my feet and by then I'd most gladly walk away from my double life. For a while I thought about it -will I ever feel comfortable compromising my job for a guy?- and after about a minute, I broke down with laughter. I obviously can't.
But the answer is not in looking for an AIESEC lover (that doesn't sound so good but whut the heck) because although he'd probably understand and accept things the way they are, I wouldn't want a relationship based on the passion we feel for an organization. I mean come on, when you enter a relationship, it should be mutually satisfying and should be grounded by love (blech) and catapulted by the desire to be together (this is so not me) but never because of how impassioned you are with something -no matter how amazing it has been proven to be.
Relationships are hard things to find and keep. It takes tremendous efforts to make a relationship work and having miserably failed in 4 attempts, I guess what I'm really doing now is cautiously taking my time, hoping I don't mess up my head anymore than my heart. I have been afflicted by the AIESEC Philippines' curse over those in the EB (be it MC or LC), I have fallen into a trap of single blessedness and yes I am very happy but I'll be honest in saying there are times when I do miss having someone.. I do miss having that one constant person to turn and talk to. I do miss the companionship. But if there's anything I've learned out of the 4 failed tries at couple-dom, it's to never let my emotions get in the way enough for me not to see where I'm at and who's in front of me. That statement right there can mean I'm a cynic and probably I am but I think using my brain this time around can't be all that bad.
I still believe at how magical falling inlove is, although I haven't truly fallen inlove (as to why, well that's another story for another entry), I think I have been bruised far more than what I deserve and thus earning me the right to be this cautious. There had been guys -all amazing in their own ways- who have tried to sway this cautiousness to their advantage but none has succeeded so far.
But I still do dream of being swept off my feet, I do believe in falling inlove and everything else that a relationship stands for and I believe that one day I too will experience love, with all its sickening-mushy-glory.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
I missed this
I'm finally back. Afer God knows how long, I'm finally back and boy does it feel great!
For the past 3 weeks, I have been absolutely swamped with every work load imagineable. School work proved to be even more intoxicating (didn't know it was possible) and with the existence of my double, triple.. quadruple life as student, LCP, surrogate mother and ocassional loony, things have spun to a really uncomfortable web. I don't think I've valued sleep so much until now -cause I don't get some anymore.
True to totally living an unconventional life, I now do not have a home. Well I have one but I am in NPA (No Permanent Address) mode right now as I am bunking in at my VPER's (one of my bestest friends) place to baby-sit our PBOX trainee while he's staying there (1 more week!) as requested by my friend's mom but as our trainees are in beautiful Cebu right now, I get to enjoy the splendor of my own home again. Aaah, absence does make the heart grow fonder :-)
It has been a crazy month of June and to think we've only just begun.. I can see it now.. More sleepless nights, more anxiety, more stress, more pulls from the pocket and just basically more, more work.. But as I hear my back crack and snap as I lie down at night, I can't be any happier with how my life is unfolding right now. Despite all of the stuff coming my way, I will never get tired of believing of just how truly blessed I am.
Shout outs to Cem and Charlotte for making the past week so much more worth it. To my team who've never let me down, I'm so proud of all of you.
Here's to more unexpected twists in my life! To life I'll keep saying, Bring it on!
For the past 3 weeks, I have been absolutely swamped with every work load imagineable. School work proved to be even more intoxicating (didn't know it was possible) and with the existence of my double, triple.. quadruple life as student, LCP, surrogate mother and ocassional loony, things have spun to a really uncomfortable web. I don't think I've valued sleep so much until now -cause I don't get some anymore.
True to totally living an unconventional life, I now do not have a home. Well I have one but I am in NPA (No Permanent Address) mode right now as I am bunking in at my VPER's (one of my bestest friends) place to baby-sit our PBOX trainee while he's staying there (1 more week!) as requested by my friend's mom but as our trainees are in beautiful Cebu right now, I get to enjoy the splendor of my own home again. Aaah, absence does make the heart grow fonder :-)
It has been a crazy month of June and to think we've only just begun.. I can see it now.. More sleepless nights, more anxiety, more stress, more pulls from the pocket and just basically more, more work.. But as I hear my back crack and snap as I lie down at night, I can't be any happier with how my life is unfolding right now. Despite all of the stuff coming my way, I will never get tired of believing of just how truly blessed I am.
Shout outs to Cem and Charlotte for making the past week so much more worth it. To my team who've never let me down, I'm so proud of all of you.
Here's to more unexpected twists in my life! To life I'll keep saying, Bring it on!
Monday, June 12, 2006
Posible Pag Pinoy!
Posible
Rivermaya
This song was the theme song for the recent ASEAN SEA GAMES held here some months back and it speaks of going for gold, moving forward and driving towards your goals. It especially means that there is nothing impossible.. especially if you're Filipino.
(I stole the translation from Halmen, hehe)
FILIPINO:
Posible kayang labanan ang agos ng paghamon?
Mabuwal at madapa man., sabay tayong aahon,
Possible kayang mabura, alinlangan sa sarili?
Ang tapang sa loob makikita, taglay mo ang dugong bayani
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Posible kayang matikman ang isang gintong minimithi
Sa kagat ng bawat laban, magtatagumpay kang muli,
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong, posible
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Sulong laban, Pilipino
Pakinggan sa iyong puso, sigaw na nagging bulong,
Posible,
Posible
Basta Pinoy, Posible.
ENGLISH
Is it possible to fight wave of challenges?
Even if we falter and fall down, we will rise together,
Is it possible to erase all apprehensions towards oneself?
The courage within will be unleashed, because you carry the blood of a hero.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Is it possible to have a taste of gold that I have longed for?
In every hardship in fighting, you will succeed again.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Everything is possible
It’s possible,
Move forward, fight, Filipino,
It’s possible
It’s possible
With a Filipino, it’s all possible.
*posible is the Filipino translation of Possiblen which is pronounced, po-sib-le. the entry title (posible pag pinoy) means Nothing's impossible for (and if you're) Filipino*
Rivermaya
This song was the theme song for the recent ASEAN SEA GAMES held here some months back and it speaks of going for gold, moving forward and driving towards your goals. It especially means that there is nothing impossible.. especially if you're Filipino.
(I stole the translation from Halmen, hehe)
FILIPINO:
Posible kayang labanan ang agos ng paghamon?
Mabuwal at madapa man., sabay tayong aahon,
Possible kayang mabura, alinlangan sa sarili?
Ang tapang sa loob makikita, taglay mo ang dugong bayani
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Posible kayang matikman ang isang gintong minimithi
Sa kagat ng bawat laban, magtatagumpay kang muli,
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong, posible
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Sulong laban, Pilipino
Pakinggan sa iyong puso, sigaw na nagging bulong,
Posible,
Posible
Basta Pinoy, Posible.
ENGLISH
Is it possible to fight wave of challenges?
Even if we falter and fall down, we will rise together,
Is it possible to erase all apprehensions towards oneself?
The courage within will be unleashed, because you carry the blood of a hero.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Is it possible to have a taste of gold that I have longed for?
In every hardship in fighting, you will succeed again.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Everything is possible
It’s possible,
Move forward, fight, Filipino,
It’s possible
It’s possible
With a Filipino, it’s all possible.
*posible is the Filipino translation of Possiblen which is pronounced, po-sib-le. the entry title (posible pag pinoy) means Nothing's impossible for (and if you're) Filipino*
Posible Pag Pinoy!
Posible
Rivermaya
This song was the theme song for the recent ASEAN SEA GAMES held here some months back and it speaks of going for gold, moving forward and driving towards your goals. It especially means that there is nothing impossible.. especially if you're Filipino.
(I stole the translation from Halmen, hehe)
FILIPINO:
Posible kayang labanan ang agos ng paghamon?
Mabuwal at madapa man., sabay tayong aahon,
Possible kayang mabura, alinlangan sa sarili?
Ang tapang sa loob makikita, taglay mo ang dugong bayani
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Posible kayang matikman ang isang gintong minimithi
Sa kagat ng bawat laban, magtatagumpay kang muli,
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong, posible
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Sulong laban, Pilipino
Pakinggan sa iyong puso, sigaw na nagging bulong,
Posible,
Posible
Basta Pinoy, Posible.
ENGLISH
Is it possible to fight wave of challenges?
Even if we falter and fall down, we will rise together,
Is it possible to erase all apprehensions towards oneself?
The courage within will be unleashed, because you carry the blood of a hero.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Is it possible to have a taste of gold that I have longed for?
In every hardship in fighting, you will succeed again.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Everything is possible
It’s possible,
Move forward, fight, Filipino,
It’s possible
It’s possible
With a Filipino, it’s all possible.
*posible is the Filipino translation of Possiblen which is pronounced, po-sib-le. the entry title (posible pag pinoy) means Nothing's impossible for (and if you're) Filipino*
Rivermaya
This song was the theme song for the recent ASEAN SEA GAMES held here some months back and it speaks of going for gold, moving forward and driving towards your goals. It especially means that there is nothing impossible.. especially if you're Filipino.
(I stole the translation from Halmen, hehe)
FILIPINO:
Posible kayang labanan ang agos ng paghamon?
Mabuwal at madapa man., sabay tayong aahon,
Possible kayang mabura, alinlangan sa sarili?
Ang tapang sa loob makikita, taglay mo ang dugong bayani
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Posible kayang matikman ang isang gintong minimithi
Sa kagat ng bawat laban, magtatagumpay kang muli,
Sulong laban, huwag uurong,
Pakinggan saiyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong, posible
Sulong laban, wag uurong,
Pakinggan sa iyong puso ang sigaw na dating bulong,
Posible
Sulong laban, Pilipino
Pakinggan sa iyong puso, sigaw na nagging bulong,
Posible,
Posible
Basta Pinoy, Posible.
ENGLISH
Is it possible to fight wave of challenges?
Even if we falter and fall down, we will rise together,
Is it possible to erase all apprehensions towards oneself?
The courage within will be unleashed, because you carry the blood of a hero.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Is it possible to have a taste of gold that I have longed for?
In every hardship in fighting, you will succeed again.
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper,
Move forward, fight, do not back down,
Listen to your heart a shout that was just whisper.
Everything is possible
It’s possible,
Move forward, fight, Filipino,
It’s possible
It’s possible
With a Filipino, it’s all possible.
*posible is the Filipino translation of Possiblen which is pronounced, po-sib-le. the entry title (posible pag pinoy) means Nothing's impossible for (and if you're) Filipino*
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Happy Birthday, Pinas!
Tomorrow is the 108th Independence Day of my beloved Philippines. Tomorrow solidifies my pride in knowing just how lucky I think I am to belong to my race, to have my culture and to call myself Filipino.
I have said this probably far too many times before but I don't think I would have enjoyed my life the way I had should I have grown up elsewhere. Philippine living is just so different. No other country in the world values family and religion as much as we do. We are the largest Catholic Nation in Asia and will never hear of the sending our grandparents to retirement homes. This is one of the very few countries where women never ever had gender baised issues. Whenever I hear of stories about women being inferior in country so and so, I smile and thank the Lord for giving me a country that has always embraced, nurtured and taken pride in their women. I have never felt I was ever secondary to men. I have never felt like I wasn't good enough and never have I felt judged, prejudiced or what-not because of my gender. We have had a lot of uprisings against our governments but we have always bounced right back on our feet. We have had a myriad of mistakes as a nation but we have always chosen to get up and learn from our past. We are a country hungry to prove our worth to the world and for the longest time we have been battling to reestablish our identity and no matter what other people may say, our biggest contribution to the world is, was and remains to be how good and solid our hearts are as a people and as a country.
I can babble on and on about my overflowing love and pride in being Pinoy but I think the best thing I can do is focus on making my life better so that one day, I can truly make my Philippines proud of me, the way it has always made me proud of it.
*Pinas is a shorter version of Pilipinas, the Filipino equivalent of Philippines and Pinoy is a shortened word to call Filipinos*
I have said this probably far too many times before but I don't think I would have enjoyed my life the way I had should I have grown up elsewhere. Philippine living is just so different. No other country in the world values family and religion as much as we do. We are the largest Catholic Nation in Asia and will never hear of the sending our grandparents to retirement homes. This is one of the very few countries where women never ever had gender baised issues. Whenever I hear of stories about women being inferior in country so and so, I smile and thank the Lord for giving me a country that has always embraced, nurtured and taken pride in their women. I have never felt I was ever secondary to men. I have never felt like I wasn't good enough and never have I felt judged, prejudiced or what-not because of my gender. We have had a lot of uprisings against our governments but we have always bounced right back on our feet. We have had a myriad of mistakes as a nation but we have always chosen to get up and learn from our past. We are a country hungry to prove our worth to the world and for the longest time we have been battling to reestablish our identity and no matter what other people may say, our biggest contribution to the world is, was and remains to be how good and solid our hearts are as a people and as a country.
I can babble on and on about my overflowing love and pride in being Pinoy but I think the best thing I can do is focus on making my life better so that one day, I can truly make my Philippines proud of me, the way it has always made me proud of it.
*Pinas is a shorter version of Pilipinas, the Filipino equivalent of Philippines and Pinoy is a shortened word to call Filipinos*
Sunday, June 04, 2006
....
You do your damndest. You give your all. But it's never enough. And end of it all, you still find yourself alone.
Rather I, still find myself alone.
What am I still here for?
Rather I, still find myself alone.
What am I still here for?
Love for Learning
I'm watching a youth oriented talk show (YSpeak) right now and they're discussing education. Is it a right or a privilege? When pursuing a degree, what counts more? Following your passion or the dictate of profession demand?
In a country like mine, where employment is scrace, a sea of white can be spotted everywhere you go. These are nursing hopefuls, intending to graduate, become nurses and be employed abroad. For years now, so many students have jumped into the nursing bandwagon and although I don't see anything wrong with it, I honestly think it's very depressing.
There's nothing wrong with being pragmatic, practical and realistic. Life is hard and I think it's noble for these kids to think on how to best support themselves right after school but I think it's sad that they have to stray from what they truly wanna do in life. Almost 70% of my high school batch took up nursing and I'm quite positive more than 50% of them did so because of necessity. I'm one of those who truly went after my dreams, 2 passions actually.
Psychology was my first venture into the wondrous world of college but after 2 years of analyzing Freud and all his theories, I succumbed to following my hearts thump. I turned to Mass Communication and for 7 months now, I've been singing nothing but happy, happy songs.
I can't say this is the right thing for everyone especially if you are driven by different circumstances but from where I'm standing, passion is the key ingredient in life. Without it, I don't think anyone can truly be happy with whatever it is that they do. Yes they can be successful because determination and hard work does get you a long way but success doesn't always (make that never) tantamount happiness. I guess you can say that I have a pretty idealistic point of view of life and I can credit that to the fact that I have been blessed to have a family who always, always valued my choices. My mom has never deprived me of following my dreams, she was always supportive but if you think that I look at education as some sort of right or parental obligation, I honestly think it's a gift. A gift that's meant to be revered and gripped with pride.
I have never been a fan of school, of the rules, of scary teachers and of deadlines or exams but I am the number fan of learning. I have always been curious, always inquisitive because I believe that the world has so much to offer and it's everywhere, you just gotta be creative in finding them. In friendster, my occupation is: A Student of the World. And by that I mean I'm someone who willingly embraces every form of learning I can get. I look at the world always bright eyed awaiting every single opportunity of learning I can get. For a while, I have been known to be Jack of all Trades and Master of None because of the various things I have dipped my toes into in the past years and I know how much this also set me back. For the longest time, I didn't really have much focus because of the myriad of explorations I wanted to do but somewhere along the way, I always knew that it wasn't long before I'd find that one thing that would make my heart skip a beat and ignite my passion.
Enter AIESEC.
I won't go on about it as much (I've done that far too many times, hehe) but I know that everything I know now, I owe to AIESEC and I don't see my development slowing down a bit.
In a couple of months, I will be exploring yet another field, the world of management and no, I am not dropping my Communications degree, just widening my scope after falling quite hard for project development. Education is something I have always been thankful for and I guess I can say this much because of the opportunities that I have been fortunate to have and to those who aren't (or feel aren't) as lucky as I am, it's never too late. Like I said, learning and education is all around us. If you value it enough, there's no reason you can't maximize or utilize it.
With all I've said, I guess the only thing I really wanted to say is that you gotta love learning.
In a country like mine, where employment is scrace, a sea of white can be spotted everywhere you go. These are nursing hopefuls, intending to graduate, become nurses and be employed abroad. For years now, so many students have jumped into the nursing bandwagon and although I don't see anything wrong with it, I honestly think it's very depressing.
There's nothing wrong with being pragmatic, practical and realistic. Life is hard and I think it's noble for these kids to think on how to best support themselves right after school but I think it's sad that they have to stray from what they truly wanna do in life. Almost 70% of my high school batch took up nursing and I'm quite positive more than 50% of them did so because of necessity. I'm one of those who truly went after my dreams, 2 passions actually.
Psychology was my first venture into the wondrous world of college but after 2 years of analyzing Freud and all his theories, I succumbed to following my hearts thump. I turned to Mass Communication and for 7 months now, I've been singing nothing but happy, happy songs.
I can't say this is the right thing for everyone especially if you are driven by different circumstances but from where I'm standing, passion is the key ingredient in life. Without it, I don't think anyone can truly be happy with whatever it is that they do. Yes they can be successful because determination and hard work does get you a long way but success doesn't always (make that never) tantamount happiness. I guess you can say that I have a pretty idealistic point of view of life and I can credit that to the fact that I have been blessed to have a family who always, always valued my choices. My mom has never deprived me of following my dreams, she was always supportive but if you think that I look at education as some sort of right or parental obligation, I honestly think it's a gift. A gift that's meant to be revered and gripped with pride.
I have never been a fan of school, of the rules, of scary teachers and of deadlines or exams but I am the number fan of learning. I have always been curious, always inquisitive because I believe that the world has so much to offer and it's everywhere, you just gotta be creative in finding them. In friendster, my occupation is: A Student of the World. And by that I mean I'm someone who willingly embraces every form of learning I can get. I look at the world always bright eyed awaiting every single opportunity of learning I can get. For a while, I have been known to be Jack of all Trades and Master of None because of the various things I have dipped my toes into in the past years and I know how much this also set me back. For the longest time, I didn't really have much focus because of the myriad of explorations I wanted to do but somewhere along the way, I always knew that it wasn't long before I'd find that one thing that would make my heart skip a beat and ignite my passion.
Enter AIESEC.
I won't go on about it as much (I've done that far too many times, hehe) but I know that everything I know now, I owe to AIESEC and I don't see my development slowing down a bit.
In a couple of months, I will be exploring yet another field, the world of management and no, I am not dropping my Communications degree, just widening my scope after falling quite hard for project development. Education is something I have always been thankful for and I guess I can say this much because of the opportunities that I have been fortunate to have and to those who aren't (or feel aren't) as lucky as I am, it's never too late. Like I said, learning and education is all around us. If you value it enough, there's no reason you can't maximize or utilize it.
With all I've said, I guess the only thing I really wanted to say is that you gotta love learning.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Caring is Sharing
Libra - June 2, 2006
The Bottom Line
A gift you're given has big responsibilities attached, but don't let that stop you.
In Detail
A powerful person will come into your life bearing gifts, and there may be some big strings attached, so don't let your gratitude fog your skepticism. Ask a few questions and get to the bottom of their newfound generosity. You'll soon see that the responsibilities laid out in front of you are ones you could really sink your teeth into. Don't be afraid to be up-front about your reservations, but if you're ready for a chance to show your worth, this is it!
Truth be told, I am not a patron of horoscopes but I must admit I have always found it fascinating how it's sometimes comes out right. Today's horoscope in a lot of ways, true. For one, I have such a responsibility at hand right now and despite the setbacks, it's something I intend to see through the end. The rest that were mentioned has yet to come to play and for some reason, it's aroused my curiousity.
A very good friend of mine is in a very bad state right now. She's confronted with problems I personally believe she doesn't deserve. And the worst bit is, I can't seem to help her. I don't even know what to tell her, everything just comes out in moron. I want to be able to tell her I'm here and even though I'm incapable of providing her with the kind of 'support' she needs, I hope she knows she can turn on me for anything and everything. Part of me feels guilty because I know there are things she's tending to right now that is partly my responsibility too but I can't seem to pitch in any help.. I have my reasons but last night, I felt her heart break. And it made mine shatter even more.
To you, thank you for being the kind of friend, mentor that you've been to me these past months. I know the ground you're on is trembbling but I hope you know that I'll always be here, an ever willing post you can hold onto or cushion to break your fall. You're always in my prayers.
I have witnessed some very unfair things happen to good people lately and it's starting to create a stoic puddle in my heart. I have been known to be overly dramatic and while I can't help but cry most of the time, there is a part of me now that chooses to turn my back and simply cash everything to experience. I realized that inasmuch as I wanted so badly to be everyone's crutches, I also needed to spare myself a limb or two. All my life, I've been there for everyone and yet somehow, there were times I found myself alone. Back then I felt so demoralized but then now I simply shrug my shoulders and leave. I still wear my heart on my sleeves but I've managed to master how to pull it out of its place and secure it somewhere safe when the need to conceal it arises.
It's a tough life I lead, caring too much but in more ways than one, I consider that a gift not many people will ever be capable of developing.
The Bottom Line
A gift you're given has big responsibilities attached, but don't let that stop you.
In Detail
A powerful person will come into your life bearing gifts, and there may be some big strings attached, so don't let your gratitude fog your skepticism. Ask a few questions and get to the bottom of their newfound generosity. You'll soon see that the responsibilities laid out in front of you are ones you could really sink your teeth into. Don't be afraid to be up-front about your reservations, but if you're ready for a chance to show your worth, this is it!
Truth be told, I am not a patron of horoscopes but I must admit I have always found it fascinating how it's sometimes comes out right. Today's horoscope in a lot of ways, true. For one, I have such a responsibility at hand right now and despite the setbacks, it's something I intend to see through the end. The rest that were mentioned has yet to come to play and for some reason, it's aroused my curiousity.
A very good friend of mine is in a very bad state right now. She's confronted with problems I personally believe she doesn't deserve. And the worst bit is, I can't seem to help her. I don't even know what to tell her, everything just comes out in moron. I want to be able to tell her I'm here and even though I'm incapable of providing her with the kind of 'support' she needs, I hope she knows she can turn on me for anything and everything. Part of me feels guilty because I know there are things she's tending to right now that is partly my responsibility too but I can't seem to pitch in any help.. I have my reasons but last night, I felt her heart break. And it made mine shatter even more.
To you, thank you for being the kind of friend, mentor that you've been to me these past months. I know the ground you're on is trembbling but I hope you know that I'll always be here, an ever willing post you can hold onto or cushion to break your fall. You're always in my prayers.
I have witnessed some very unfair things happen to good people lately and it's starting to create a stoic puddle in my heart. I have been known to be overly dramatic and while I can't help but cry most of the time, there is a part of me now that chooses to turn my back and simply cash everything to experience. I realized that inasmuch as I wanted so badly to be everyone's crutches, I also needed to spare myself a limb or two. All my life, I've been there for everyone and yet somehow, there were times I found myself alone. Back then I felt so demoralized but then now I simply shrug my shoulders and leave. I still wear my heart on my sleeves but I've managed to master how to pull it out of its place and secure it somewhere safe when the need to conceal it arises.
It's a tough life I lead, caring too much but in more ways than one, I consider that a gift not many people will ever be capable of developing.
Monday, May 29, 2006
I'm baaaaaaack!
What: DevCon
Where: Las Brisas, Antipolo City Philippines
When: May 26-29, 2006
The past 4 days has been everything but easy. Early wake up calls has never been my cuppa tea, I attended 1 out of 3 socials from all the things I had to finish and slept a total of 10 hours for the entire conference. I'm tired as hell and yet, tomorrow is but another work day. Damnit.
So my LC has formally applied and will now be under the radar more than ever. Our PBoX is in the works and it's getting scarier by the day. But with everything I've been through the past 7 months coupled with all that I learned the past 4 days, call me cocky but there's nothing I can't take.
OH. My PC is still fucked up and my laptop can't access MSN Messenger. To those I regularly talk to online, please refer to my Yahoo messenger. It's in my side bar.
Anyway, I'm dead tired. Imma reward myself and sleep early.. And heeeeey. I missed blogging, a week's damn too long and since I'm making no sense right now, expect a more detailed entry about the DevCon.
Stay Tuned.
Where: Las Brisas, Antipolo City Philippines
When: May 26-29, 2006
The past 4 days has been everything but easy. Early wake up calls has never been my cuppa tea, I attended 1 out of 3 socials from all the things I had to finish and slept a total of 10 hours for the entire conference. I'm tired as hell and yet, tomorrow is but another work day. Damnit.
So my LC has formally applied and will now be under the radar more than ever. Our PBoX is in the works and it's getting scarier by the day. But with everything I've been through the past 7 months coupled with all that I learned the past 4 days, call me cocky but there's nothing I can't take.
OH. My PC is still fucked up and my laptop can't access MSN Messenger. To those I regularly talk to online, please refer to my Yahoo messenger. It's in my side bar.
Anyway, I'm dead tired. Imma reward myself and sleep early.. And heeeeey. I missed blogging, a week's damn too long and since I'm making no sense right now, expect a more detailed entry about the DevCon.
Stay Tuned.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Limbo
Oblivion often distorts my view, hardly do I exonerate it. I don't respond to accedence only because I refuse to believe that I am made of vaporous thew. I know this journey is anything but indubitable but I am prepared to swallow the pill, grin and bear it all if I have to.
My focus is under a very musky light right now. And while in my dreary unsettling plight, countenance engulfs me knowing I have grafted within me everything I need to duel in my own conquests.
I am in a limbo but given time, I know it'll soon be a piece of heaven.
My focus is under a very musky light right now. And while in my dreary unsettling plight, countenance engulfs me knowing I have grafted within me everything I need to duel in my own conquests.
I am in a limbo but given time, I know it'll soon be a piece of heaven.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
12 hours
In the middle of the gazillion papers that I was completing to finish early this morning (around 1am), my eyes were undoubtedly giving out. My back hurt and I felt a bit neauseated. Alas, I'm sick again. So I opted to sleep right before it hit 2am thinking I can get an early start today.
Ha. I thought wrong. It's 2:36 pm here now and I got up just 10 minutes ago. Which, according to my otherwise useless mathematical brain, was a good 12 hours of sleep.
Aaaah. Bliss. Bliss. Bliss.
So then, I checked my computer (I leave it open) and about 22 people buzzed me, my phone had about 14 missed calls (from 8 people) and 24 messages from 18 different people. God the world loves me :-D
Thing is, for someone like me who averages 5 hours of sleep each day, this sort of thing reminds me that the best things in life, are certainly free. Makes me feel i'm still part of the "normal world" in referrence to a text I got today from a friend who I know just misses the normalcy of my life and of our friendship, she texted: "You became a snob ever since you started in AIESEC".
My reply? I didn't. I don't want to justify comments like that because I don't think not replying to her 10 forwarded messages a day or to her random 3 am "are you still up" messages makes me a snob. Simply because I don't have any quotes to forward her anyway and well, I don't see the point. Friendship has never been about how often you talk or text or even see each other. It's not even in the spontaneous messages every now and then. Friendship is having to develop that connection with someone whom despite the miles and physical absence knows nothing, and no one, has changed.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at my friend. Not even pissed and even if her message kind of hurt me (who wants to be called a snob?!), I charge it to experience and took some time to contemplate if all I'm doing for AIESEC is worth how my friend (or friends) now sees me.. And well, it wasn't much of a comtemplation, I knew after 10 seconds that yea, it all is.
I know I'm contradicting myself with my earlier statement but, to those reading this and feels the same way towards me, here's what I've to say: I'm sorry you feel that way but I just do what I can when I can. Your friendship means the world to me just as much as my passion for my org does to me. I'm not asking you to understand AIESEC nor my love for it, I'm asking you to understand me, Ces. The same Ces who was there for all of you whenever and wherever you need me to be. I take pride in the kind of friend I have been to all of you and I know you know just how much I loved you guys. Your place in my heart can and will never be replaced nor compromised at any point, and that I assure you.
My heart hasn't changed at all, it just grew bigger. It grew big enough to accommodate the other amazing people that AIESEC has given me the chance to know and befriend.
There. I think I've said more than enough. And since I slept so long, I've to cram all the stuff I've to do and finish by tomorrow. Since my airconditioning has given out on me, I'm going out to finish everything elsewhere.
Hooray for Wi-Fi!
Ha. I thought wrong. It's 2:36 pm here now and I got up just 10 minutes ago. Which, according to my otherwise useless mathematical brain, was a good 12 hours of sleep.
Aaaah. Bliss. Bliss. Bliss.
So then, I checked my computer (I leave it open) and about 22 people buzzed me, my phone had about 14 missed calls (from 8 people) and 24 messages from 18 different people. God the world loves me :-D
Thing is, for someone like me who averages 5 hours of sleep each day, this sort of thing reminds me that the best things in life, are certainly free. Makes me feel i'm still part of the "normal world" in referrence to a text I got today from a friend who I know just misses the normalcy of my life and of our friendship, she texted: "You became a snob ever since you started in AIESEC".
My reply? I didn't. I don't want to justify comments like that because I don't think not replying to her 10 forwarded messages a day or to her random 3 am "are you still up" messages makes me a snob. Simply because I don't have any quotes to forward her anyway and well, I don't see the point. Friendship has never been about how often you talk or text or even see each other. It's not even in the spontaneous messages every now and then. Friendship is having to develop that connection with someone whom despite the miles and physical absence knows nothing, and no one, has changed.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at my friend. Not even pissed and even if her message kind of hurt me (who wants to be called a snob?!), I charge it to experience and took some time to contemplate if all I'm doing for AIESEC is worth how my friend (or friends) now sees me.. And well, it wasn't much of a comtemplation, I knew after 10 seconds that yea, it all is.
I know I'm contradicting myself with my earlier statement but, to those reading this and feels the same way towards me, here's what I've to say: I'm sorry you feel that way but I just do what I can when I can. Your friendship means the world to me just as much as my passion for my org does to me. I'm not asking you to understand AIESEC nor my love for it, I'm asking you to understand me, Ces. The same Ces who was there for all of you whenever and wherever you need me to be. I take pride in the kind of friend I have been to all of you and I know you know just how much I loved you guys. Your place in my heart can and will never be replaced nor compromised at any point, and that I assure you.
My heart hasn't changed at all, it just grew bigger. It grew big enough to accommodate the other amazing people that AIESEC has given me the chance to know and befriend.
There. I think I've said more than enough. And since I slept so long, I've to cram all the stuff I've to do and finish by tomorrow. Since my airconditioning has given out on me, I'm going out to finish everything elsewhere.
Hooray for Wi-Fi!
Friday, May 19, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
COLORED
"When I born,
I black.
When I grow up,
I black.
When I go in the sun,
I black.
When I scared,
I black.
When I sick,
I black.
and When I die,
I still black..
And you white people
When you born,
You Pink.
When you grow up,
You White.
When you go in the sun,
You Red.
When you cold,
You Blue.
When you scared,
You Yellow.
When you sick,
You Green.
And When you die,
You grey..
And you calling me colored?"
-Written by an African Kid which was nominated for Best Poem in 2005.
Isn't it amazing how a kid can stir the world with his words, armed only with his broken speech? We all should take the time out from our busy lives and ponder on thoughts like this..
It always starts and end with you.
I black.
When I grow up,
I black.
When I go in the sun,
I black.
When I scared,
I black.
When I sick,
I black.
and When I die,
I still black..
And you white people
When you born,
You Pink.
When you grow up,
You White.
When you go in the sun,
You Red.
When you cold,
You Blue.
When you scared,
You Yellow.
When you sick,
You Green.
And When you die,
You grey..
And you calling me colored?"
-Written by an African Kid which was nominated for Best Poem in 2005.
Isn't it amazing how a kid can stir the world with his words, armed only with his broken speech? We all should take the time out from our busy lives and ponder on thoughts like this..
It always starts and end with you.
ELLIOT YAMMIN
I hit the Publish Post button too soon.
Elliot got voted off the show the second I clicked it. No point of watching the Finals now, someone update me then.
FUCK.
Elliot got voted off the show the second I clicked it. No point of watching the Finals now, someone update me then.
FUCK.
The Thursday That Was
I had pretty interesting day. Spent 3 hours each for my classes, took 2 tests and had one fascinating debate.
My Advertising class was fun, surprisingly. I came in late (for my 10:30 class) because traffic once again proved to be a pain (but hey, this is manila), settled in my seat, we had a good discussion and an hour later, 2 tests came our way. It was mainly recap of Tuesday's coverage, no biggie.
By 1:30 pm, I was seeing stars. To those who have no idea of the lifestyle I lead, let me give you a peak: I get up whatever time I need to be it for school or for meetings, get dressed and leave. Food is never an option in my pad as made possible by both my sister and I's laziness to do grocery shopping. Everyday is take-out day or what I almost always do, I make sure I get home fed. Same goes with my Ate (that's A-te, or older sister in Filipino). It's actually pretty sad because I'm a mean cook, I just never liked the fuss of cooking in an everyday routine, especially if it's just for me. So you see, whenever I first leave my house, whether it's early morning, lunchtime or in the late afternoon, it's never a question of "have you eaten" that my friends are accustomed of asking me but, "where do you wanna eat". I have developed a chronic lifestyle, I know.
So anyways, I had lunch with ESA new meats Andrew and Gretch, both I have corrupted to join AIESEC *evil grin* and made our way back to school for our 3pm class, which by the way I totally forgot I had so thank God for my still-impressionable new friends. Hehe.
Communications and Culture is a pretty fun subject if you think about it. It allows you to tap into sociology, history, even psychology while integrating communications amidst the diversity in cultures. The class itself was great. My classmates were all pretty much hyped with the discussions which was made even more fascinating by a certain classmate who, might I add, have caught my attention since last term. Fact is, he has always intrigued me, he always had sensible answers and always had fascinatingly twisted way of looking at things. Today, he and I threw statements back and forth and probably argued with the teacher the most which to my opinion was the high light of the class. Hehe. He's totally brilliant.. Yes, I think this may be a bit of a crush. :-D
By 6, we were out of school and was supposed to watch Da Vinci Code but decided to call it a day. I was at home at 6:30 pm. Aaaaleluja! And I thought I'd never live to see this day. Then Coni or Master Jedi as Halmen likes to call her (in referrence to me, go figure) texted that she was in Mega Mall. I had plans of leaving to meet up with her but decided (miraculously)to stay in and finish all my crap. And I'm happy to report nearly 85% of my stuff are taken cared of. Now that is, a miracle.
I'm now watching American Idol, Oprah and Punk'd (I'm a surfing maniac) and I realize just how much I miss watching TV.. Oh well.
As I gobble down my Big Mac (yes, another delivery-night), I seal my love for American Idol finalist, Elliot Yammin when he sang for his hometown one of my favorite songs, Michael Buble's Home. Simon said it best, he is "the best male vocalist the competition ever had".
My Advertising class was fun, surprisingly. I came in late (for my 10:30 class) because traffic once again proved to be a pain (but hey, this is manila), settled in my seat, we had a good discussion and an hour later, 2 tests came our way. It was mainly recap of Tuesday's coverage, no biggie.
By 1:30 pm, I was seeing stars. To those who have no idea of the lifestyle I lead, let me give you a peak: I get up whatever time I need to be it for school or for meetings, get dressed and leave. Food is never an option in my pad as made possible by both my sister and I's laziness to do grocery shopping. Everyday is take-out day or what I almost always do, I make sure I get home fed. Same goes with my Ate (that's A-te, or older sister in Filipino). It's actually pretty sad because I'm a mean cook, I just never liked the fuss of cooking in an everyday routine, especially if it's just for me. So you see, whenever I first leave my house, whether it's early morning, lunchtime or in the late afternoon, it's never a question of "have you eaten" that my friends are accustomed of asking me but, "where do you wanna eat". I have developed a chronic lifestyle, I know.
So anyways, I had lunch with ESA new meats Andrew and Gretch, both I have corrupted to join AIESEC *evil grin* and made our way back to school for our 3pm class, which by the way I totally forgot I had so thank God for my still-impressionable new friends. Hehe.
Communications and Culture is a pretty fun subject if you think about it. It allows you to tap into sociology, history, even psychology while integrating communications amidst the diversity in cultures. The class itself was great. My classmates were all pretty much hyped with the discussions which was made even more fascinating by a certain classmate who, might I add, have caught my attention since last term. Fact is, he has always intrigued me, he always had sensible answers and always had fascinatingly twisted way of looking at things. Today, he and I threw statements back and forth and probably argued with the teacher the most which to my opinion was the high light of the class. Hehe. He's totally brilliant.. Yes, I think this may be a bit of a crush. :-D
By 6, we were out of school and was supposed to watch Da Vinci Code but decided to call it a day. I was at home at 6:30 pm. Aaaaleluja! And I thought I'd never live to see this day. Then Coni or Master Jedi as Halmen likes to call her (in referrence to me, go figure) texted that she was in Mega Mall. I had plans of leaving to meet up with her but decided (miraculously)to stay in and finish all my crap. And I'm happy to report nearly 85% of my stuff are taken cared of. Now that is, a miracle.
I'm now watching American Idol, Oprah and Punk'd (I'm a surfing maniac) and I realize just how much I miss watching TV.. Oh well.
As I gobble down my Big Mac (yes, another delivery-night), I seal my love for American Idol finalist, Elliot Yammin when he sang for his hometown one of my favorite songs, Michael Buble's Home. Simon said it best, he is "the best male vocalist the competition ever had".
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Flip Flops: Man's Greatest Invention
There are probably a million things in this life that I am totally fascinated with. There's Europe, Art, Literature, Communications, Cultures, the business mind of the Chinese, how some can actually enjoy Math, and a lot of other stuff. But if there's one that totally gets me wild eyed is how some people, like my mom for instance, stand High Heeled shoes. I have this weird habit of interrogating friends, relatives and even random acquaintances how they get to comfortably walk in those heeled contraptions they call pumps, stilletos and the like. End of the day, I end up with one and the same conclusion: Thank God for flip flops.
About 2 weeks ago, I wrote an entry establishing A.H.H.A or the Anti High Heels Association and nothing has changed about my stand, in fact I think it even grew in confidence. Hehe. But don't get me wrong, it's not like I have or will never wear them because as LCP, there will be more than one ocassion where I would be forced to wear them and even if I will never be excited for those incidents to take place, I can feel it coming. That's why I bought 2 new shoes the other day. A closed one and a ridiculously thin-heeled stilleto. I seriously do not know what came over me.
Dumdedumdedum...
See it's not so much of hating high heels that's preventing me from wearing them, it's my feet refusing to function with them on. I tried to work around my flat footed-ness (if there's such a word) by practicing walking on them but nah, didn't work. I don't even remember how I handled wearing heels to my former College (we had to wear uniforms, yes in college. it was an exclusive catholic school) but then I remembered, for a year I didn't. I stuck to mary jane's and when they imposed that absurd heels policy, I picked something which to my standards were feet-friendly. A two inched wedge type of closed shoe (i'm bad at describing things) so my feet weren't that violated, i'd like to think.
I started my obsession with Flip Flops back in my junior year in HS. My mom didn't like it then, doesn't like it now but it's my thing and she knows damn well there is no chance (at all) that i'd give it up. I love my feet planted firmly on the ground, thankyouverymuch and inasmuch as I really wanna be as "presentable" as those who apparently wear the appropriate footwear (read: NOT flip flops), I honestly don't care.
To date, I have had approximately over a hundred pairs of flip flops that gets trashed and changed in the course of my almost 5-year relationship with mr. flops. Through the years, it has been my most reliable friend aiding me to run, hop, skip, stride and walk while providing me (and my feet) the comfort I (and my feet) deserves.
Flip flops truly is man's greatest invention and if only they could, I know my feet would be nodding like crazy.
3 are miraculously missing, 2 were shanghaied by my sister, about 6 are scattered around my relatives' houses and 2 retired only a few weeks ago.
About 2 weeks ago, I wrote an entry establishing A.H.H.A or the Anti High Heels Association and nothing has changed about my stand, in fact I think it even grew in confidence. Hehe. But don't get me wrong, it's not like I have or will never wear them because as LCP, there will be more than one ocassion where I would be forced to wear them and even if I will never be excited for those incidents to take place, I can feel it coming. That's why I bought 2 new shoes the other day. A closed one and a ridiculously thin-heeled stilleto. I seriously do not know what came over me.
Dumdedumdedum...
See it's not so much of hating high heels that's preventing me from wearing them, it's my feet refusing to function with them on. I tried to work around my flat footed-ness (if there's such a word) by practicing walking on them but nah, didn't work. I don't even remember how I handled wearing heels to my former College (we had to wear uniforms, yes in college. it was an exclusive catholic school) but then I remembered, for a year I didn't. I stuck to mary jane's and when they imposed that absurd heels policy, I picked something which to my standards were feet-friendly. A two inched wedge type of closed shoe (i'm bad at describing things) so my feet weren't that violated, i'd like to think.
I started my obsession with Flip Flops back in my junior year in HS. My mom didn't like it then, doesn't like it now but it's my thing and she knows damn well there is no chance (at all) that i'd give it up. I love my feet planted firmly on the ground, thankyouverymuch and inasmuch as I really wanna be as "presentable" as those who apparently wear the appropriate footwear (read: NOT flip flops), I honestly don't care.
To date, I have had approximately over a hundred pairs of flip flops that gets trashed and changed in the course of my almost 5-year relationship with mr. flops. Through the years, it has been my most reliable friend aiding me to run, hop, skip, stride and walk while providing me (and my feet) the comfort I (and my feet) deserves.
Flip flops truly is man's greatest invention and if only they could, I know my feet would be nodding like crazy.
3 are miraculously missing, 2 were shanghaied by my sister, about 6 are scattered around my relatives' houses and 2 retired only a few weeks ago.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
First Day Funk
Today was my first day back to school. I had Advertising and Information Technology Management all in one looong day, with 4 and a half hours of break time. So not fun.
And I know what you're thinking. What an interesting subject combination.. Advertising and IT Management. Yea, they're from very different worlds but you have to admire my school for somehow finding a link somewhere between those two otherwise several universes apart subjects.
Makes me think forging together Communications and Management (or Eco or Business) once I set out for abroad ain't such a bad idea. Guess everything is falling into place.
Coolness.
And I know what you're thinking. What an interesting subject combination.. Advertising and IT Management. Yea, they're from very different worlds but you have to admire my school for somehow finding a link somewhere between those two otherwise several universes apart subjects.
Makes me think forging together Communications and Management (or Eco or Business) once I set out for abroad ain't such a bad idea. Guess everything is falling into place.
Coolness.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
A Peak into my Blessed LCP Life
I would like to believe that the single best decision I have made in all of my 20 years was moving to ESA (which was then Thames International School) and eventually pioneer AIESEC in my school. I have been LCP, though quite informally, for over 8 months now and I take pride in the work I have done. I obviously need to do more but I think it's safe to say I am not one to back down on this, any of this.
I love my LC and my team too much. I love AIESEC too much.
The past days have not been very encouraging for me. The weather has been horrible, my immune system is once again flailing and I have encountered glitches in my work which is unacceptable for my own ridiculous standards. Yes, I keep impossible standards and I don't care if that means pushing every envelope to meet them. My kids (as I like calling my team) often tell me I'm working way too hard, practically spreading myself in an uncomfortable kind of thin but nothing makes me happier than when i'm lying on my bed and about to sleep, as feel the pain on my back I realize how lucky I am to be leading such a fantastic group of people. I honestly think I am the luckiest and most blessed LCP to have found people who have backed me up countless of times in the past.
My life is now, finally making sense. And that's all because of them.
It has not always been easy for us and it isn't now, actually. My LC and team has been through so much that it just astounds me as to how jelled together we still are now. And I can tell you this, my team may not be all that knowledgeable about AIESEC (yet) the way they aspire to be soon but they have taught me so much about leadership far more than what I can download online:
1. THAT LEADERSHIP DEMANDS SOUL AND A BURNING PASSION
2. THAT NOTHING IS EVER IMPOSSIBLE SO LONG AS YOU HAVE YOUR HEART IN PLACE
3. THAT JUST LIKE IN A FAMILY, NO ONE SHOULD EVER GET LEFT BEHIND
4. THAT IN ANYTHING, NOTHING SHOULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN TRUST AND RESPECT
5. THAT NO MATTER HOW OTHERS BRING YOU DOWN, YOU DECIDE WHO YOU TRULY ARE
6. THAT THOUGH THERE ARE DOWN POINTS, HOW YOU MAKE USE OF THE UP PHASE IS WHAT COUNTS
7. THAT NOTHING IS EVER EASY.. YOU JUST HAVE TO ALWAYS FIND THE WORTH IN IT
8. THAT WHEN YOU GIVE AND DO YOUR BEST, YOU GET BACK NOTHING BUT JUST THAT
9. THAT YOU DO NOT GET ON TOP BY STEPPING ON OTHER PEOPLE ON YOUR WAY UP
10 THAT LEADERSHIP SHOULD NEVER BE ABOUT WHO'S ON TOP. IT'S IN REACHING OUT TO THOSE BELOW AND HELPING THEM GET UP THERE WITH YOU
You do not end up with these realizations from reading a book (although that helps). You only get the real essence of these words once you get surrounded by amazing people such as I have been fortunate enough to be.
JP, MARGAUX, CATHY, GRETCH, EJ, MIKE, KELVIN and GENE. Know that I will always believe in you and that I'll never get tired of applauding for you as you make your ways into your amazing worlds. You all make me so proud.
I take pride in leading you, overjoyed to have known you and utterly blessed to have befriending you.
Mahal ko kayo.
This too are my exact sentiments for Kanika, Nidhin, Maher & Shoaib.. I would kill to have you on my team. Anytime, Anyday.
I love my LC and my team too much. I love AIESEC too much.
The past days have not been very encouraging for me. The weather has been horrible, my immune system is once again flailing and I have encountered glitches in my work which is unacceptable for my own ridiculous standards. Yes, I keep impossible standards and I don't care if that means pushing every envelope to meet them. My kids (as I like calling my team) often tell me I'm working way too hard, practically spreading myself in an uncomfortable kind of thin but nothing makes me happier than when i'm lying on my bed and about to sleep, as feel the pain on my back I realize how lucky I am to be leading such a fantastic group of people. I honestly think I am the luckiest and most blessed LCP to have found people who have backed me up countless of times in the past.
My life is now, finally making sense. And that's all because of them.
It has not always been easy for us and it isn't now, actually. My LC and team has been through so much that it just astounds me as to how jelled together we still are now. And I can tell you this, my team may not be all that knowledgeable about AIESEC (yet) the way they aspire to be soon but they have taught me so much about leadership far more than what I can download online:
1. THAT LEADERSHIP DEMANDS SOUL AND A BURNING PASSION
2. THAT NOTHING IS EVER IMPOSSIBLE SO LONG AS YOU HAVE YOUR HEART IN PLACE
3. THAT JUST LIKE IN A FAMILY, NO ONE SHOULD EVER GET LEFT BEHIND
4. THAT IN ANYTHING, NOTHING SHOULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN TRUST AND RESPECT
5. THAT NO MATTER HOW OTHERS BRING YOU DOWN, YOU DECIDE WHO YOU TRULY ARE
6. THAT THOUGH THERE ARE DOWN POINTS, HOW YOU MAKE USE OF THE UP PHASE IS WHAT COUNTS
7. THAT NOTHING IS EVER EASY.. YOU JUST HAVE TO ALWAYS FIND THE WORTH IN IT
8. THAT WHEN YOU GIVE AND DO YOUR BEST, YOU GET BACK NOTHING BUT JUST THAT
9. THAT YOU DO NOT GET ON TOP BY STEPPING ON OTHER PEOPLE ON YOUR WAY UP
10 THAT LEADERSHIP SHOULD NEVER BE ABOUT WHO'S ON TOP. IT'S IN REACHING OUT TO THOSE BELOW AND HELPING THEM GET UP THERE WITH YOU
You do not end up with these realizations from reading a book (although that helps). You only get the real essence of these words once you get surrounded by amazing people such as I have been fortunate enough to be.
JP, MARGAUX, CATHY, GRETCH, EJ, MIKE, KELVIN and GENE. Know that I will always believe in you and that I'll never get tired of applauding for you as you make your ways into your amazing worlds. You all make me so proud.
I take pride in leading you, overjoyed to have known you and utterly blessed to have befriending you.
Mahal ko kayo.
This too are my exact sentiments for Kanika, Nidhin, Maher & Shoaib.. I would kill to have you on my team. Anytime, Anyday.
Rar
I think I'm coming down with the flu. Screw the erratic weather or whatever it was that made me fall ill. I feel horrible.
Crap.
Crap.
Butterfly Effect
I believe leadership is an inborn quality which life itself demands of us to harness. It is something innate in all of us but the choice to utilize it lies always, and only, in us.
I have witnessed a lot of ridiculous forms of leadership in my years as a student and citizen of my country. I have seen first hand negligence, incompetence, corruption and inappropriate behavior from people I thought quite highly of. This is what centuries of colonization can do to a country and its people.
Rubbish.
But then again, inasmuch as these unnecessary circumstances causes us pain in the neck, it also becomes an avenue to challenge ourselves even more. This is what I call the butterfly effect -and no, I am not referring to the movie.
A buttefly starts from being a caterpillar before pupating and eventually metamorphosize into the glorious creature that it is. The challenge of the Butterfly as a caterpillar then as a Pupa is just as complicated as our lives as humans. The caterpillar molts (loses its skin) a thousand times before resting itself as a Pupa. The same way we undergo just as much 'change' within ourselves and most of the time, we never feel like we're ever good enough.
As the caterpillar becomes a Pupa, it struggles to break free from its cocoon but this struggle is needed for it to get all the fluids and nutrients it'll need to able him
I have witnessed a lot of ridiculous forms of leadership in my years as a student and citizen of my country. I have seen first hand negligence, incompetence, corruption and inappropriate behavior from people I thought quite highly of. This is what centuries of colonization can do to a country and its people.
Rubbish.
But then again, inasmuch as these unnecessary circumstances causes us pain in the neck, it also becomes an avenue to challenge ourselves even more. This is what I call the butterfly effect -and no, I am not referring to the movie.
A buttefly starts from being a caterpillar before pupating and eventually metamorphosize into the glorious creature that it is. The challenge of the Butterfly as a caterpillar then as a Pupa is just as complicated as our lives as humans. The caterpillar molts (loses its skin) a thousand times before resting itself as a Pupa. The same way we undergo just as much 'change' within ourselves and most of the time, we never feel like we're ever good enough.
As the caterpillar becomes a Pupa, it struggles to break free from its cocoon but this struggle is needed for it to get all the fluids and nutrients it'll need to able him