crazy little thing called Love

I had a very interesting chat with an AIESEC friend from Austalia (hi Jess!) last night and somehow what we talked about still has a bit of residue in my brain til now. It started off with her asking for my my thoughts on two AIESECers having a better shot at a relationship than an AIESECer involved in a non-AIESECer. I felt my face go numb as memories of not-too-long ago flashed back right before my eyes. I shrugged the feeling off thinking and knowing I was bound to have another can't-sleep-cause-i-have-so-much-going-on-in-my-mind night and God knows I can't afford that right now. So anyway, I shared with her my view on inter-AIESEC relationship, pros and cons and all.

Allow me now to share them with you.

I've been in 4 relationships, all with non-AIESECers and having all of them failed, you might think it's but natural for me to lean on the inter-AIESEC relationship but I'm not going to. Basically because I have a pretty good idea of how a relationship will be with an AIESECer (the operative word being, idea). The best thing however (being with a fellow AIESECer) is that you'd never have to explain how and why things are the way they are (did that make sense?), especially for someone like me whose life undoubtedly cricles around the org. I always say that with how my life is so far, I don't think any sane guy would even consider being with me and personally, I wouldn't want to date myself right now. No guy in his right mind would put up with erratic schedule changes, random overnight sessions, week long absence to baby sit a male trainee and just how I am at AIESEC's every beck and call. No guy would want that and I honestly don't want anyone to experience that because it wouldn't be fair. My friends however tell me all I need is someone who'll sweep me off my feet and by then I'd most gladly walk away from my double life. For a while I thought about it -will I ever feel comfortable compromising my job for a guy?- and after about a minute, I broke down with laughter. I obviously can't.

But the answer is not in looking for an AIESEC lover (that doesn't sound so good but whut the heck) because although he'd probably understand and accept things the way they are, I wouldn't want a relationship based on the passion we feel for an organization. I mean come on, when you enter a relationship, it should be mutually satisfying and should be grounded by love (blech) and catapulted by the desire to be together (this is so not me) but never because of how impassioned you are with something -no matter how amazing it has been proven to be.

Relationships are hard things to find and keep. It takes tremendous efforts to make a relationship work and having miserably failed in 4 attempts, I guess what I'm really doing now is cautiously taking my time, hoping I don't mess up my head anymore than my heart. I have been afflicted by the AIESEC Philippines' curse over those in the EB (be it MC or LC), I have fallen into a trap of single blessedness and yes I am very happy but I'll be honest in saying there are times when I do miss having someone.. I do miss having that one constant person to turn and talk to. I do miss the companionship. But if there's anything I've learned out of the 4 failed tries at couple-dom, it's to never let my emotions get in the way enough for me not to see where I'm at and who's in front of me. That statement right there can mean I'm a cynic and probably I am but I think using my brain this time around can't be all that bad.

I still believe at how magical falling inlove is, although I haven't truly fallen inlove (as to why, well that's another story for another entry), I think I have been bruised far more than what I deserve and thus earning me the right to be this cautious. There had been guys -all amazing in their own ways- who have tried to sway this cautiousness to their advantage but none has succeeded so far.

But I still do dream of being swept off my feet, I do believe in falling inlove and everything else that a relationship stands for and I believe that one day I too will experience love, with all its sickening-mushy-glory.