You live. You learn.. and then you live some more.

So much has happened in the past weeks that I regret not writing daily here. I could've produced the funniest and most controversial pieces.. Hehehe.

But yes, I have been on a blogger-hibernation and can I just say it has been a completely emotionally and psychologically challenging past couple of weeks. Not to mention physically draining. It even questioned my cultural understanding. Cool. What a month it has been.

I honestly don't know where to begin my tale, everything has been so overwhelming that each day presented a different kind of challenge for me and my most of the time flinching temper. I haven't been in the best mood lately and it has been unfortunately exuding. I actually don't like who I have allowed myself to become. I don't blame anything (or anyone) because I am aware that no one else is responsible for the things that are affecting me other than myself.

If anything, the past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to who and what I truly was: An overly sensitive workaholic who is desperately trying to be mature but is failing miserably. I haven't been the easiest person to work with, not to mention the most crabby boss you'll ever have to deal with and for most people back here, I am a party pooper who knows nothing but work, work and and well, good ol' work.

But I am not just about to apologize because along my many slip-ups was a person trying to reach out, somehow to appeace whatever situation she was in. One who always argued within reason, one who gave everything she did her all and someone who unconditionally loves what she's doing, be it unfair, uncalled for or just plain absurd.

I love my work, my job, my team. Even the fact that I average 5 hours of sleep - on a good day.

For the past weeks, I have been struggling for some alone time and a chance to stand back, to relax. Instead, I find myself typing away here and voicing out how trememdously awakening the past month has been for me. I realized how much I was willing to give for something I believed in. I realized how little I can leave for myself for the people and things I love.. I realized how lucky I was to be in the position I was in and at the same time feel all the more compelled to push myself even harder if only to compensate for my shortcomings. I know it's not healthy but I get by with that mindset and as of now, I'll take anything.

Life has played quite a lot of tricky games with me and through all that, I've always picked myself up from every fall, dusted myself off, shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I've always been very tough, resilient in my quest to finding my own piece of heaven but somehow I find myself ending up in a limbo. I've written about that before and I guess it's something I've been trying to reconcile within myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and everything else that comes with it but there comes a time when it's all a bit too much and you just need some time to really get reacquainted with who you are. This morning I had a good talk with myself and found out three things, three pivotal things:

1. No matter what's happening right now, there is nothing I'd rather be doing than this.
2. That I may sound cynic almost all the time but deep within, I still believe I'd one day have my own fairy tale come true.
3. And that I seriously need to take a break.

The first and last things don't need to be elaborated but I'd like to dig in to the second one.

Yes, I was, still am and will always be a hopeless incurable romantic. I believe in fairy tales, in happy endings and I believe that everyone is meant and deserves to be with someone. I believe in forever, in matrimonial vows, in everlasting devotion to one another and I believe in Fate. In destiny. In soulmates... This is probably why i'm single. But kidding aside, I do believe in love and I can't wait til it finally lands on my doorstep. I know that part of the reason why I have been feeling "attacked" by the world was my pursuit in ignoring the deafening knock someone has been mercilessly pounding on my door for months now. I can hear it ever so clearly but I refuse to let it sink in, in fear that I might actually open the door and let him in. I am scared. Dead scared and I think I somehow allowed work to consume me so much in efforts to escape that zone I feared I was slowly sliding into. Surprisingly over the past few days, I have been pleasantly reminded of how good of a feeling it was to be with someone.. with.

I still guard myself ridiculously but I've learned that fear is the first stage in everything we do in life. After fear you calm down, you look a little closer to understand things, you rationalize whether or not you'll take it in and sometimes if you're lucky, you might just see yourself smiling.

Life I think, will always be filled with certain surprises that it becomes almost inevitable for us to question its existence once it's there but like i've always believed in, life doesn't map out questions along our path for us to answer. They are there to guide, challenge, inspire and knock some sense of responsibilty about how we're steering our wheels towards our future. They are there not to confuse us but to continually instigate that love for learning in us or spark some curiousity enough to challenge us to constantly do better.

My life has been a great big surprise, sometimes I indeed become a party pooper but most of the time, I take it in, bask in all its spontaneous heaven while preparing myself for an even bigger one.

And so far, that has always worked for me.