Hanging on
I don't know how I feel right about now. I feel so clouded in the area up there. Everything seems so crazy and it's not the fun-kind-of-crazy. It's one of those things you wish you had an eraser to completely black out everything.. But sadly, no brain has that capacity and I am learning that lesson the very tough way.
I know it's been a while since you've all been filled in about my life so far and i'm not even going to try explaining it cause I can't.. So much has happened and it's all too much to write. My heart is too full with experiences and I know deep down that I have never felt more complete in my entire life.
Almost 2 months ago, my team and I embarked on an AIESEC journey that I never thought would hold this much meaning in my life.. but lo and behold, I can't think of any other way to seal my AIESEC experience than handling the first PBOX of the AIESEC in the Philippines. Call me cocky but this fact will always mean the world to me and my team especially with everything we have done and gained from this incredibly life changing two-months. It has been hard, frustrating, draining. It was mentally, physically and financially straining but all the more rewarding. I have never seen a group enslave themselves as much as my team did and I think it's sad that I don't get to express how utterly grateful I am that to be surrounded by solid people like them.. None of the amazing memories would ever come through if one would exit the picture. I am eternally indebted to them.
To the 14 international souls who graced my country for nearly 2 months, I don't think I can ever explain how much they have changed my life. They have pierced through my eyes and made me see things the way I never considered before. I am blessed to have known them and will continue to be thankful that I crossed paths with 14 outstanding individuals.
To Cem, Charlotte and Jessica who will all go back to their homes, I wish nothing but the very best for all of you. You all have earned for yourselves niches in my heart and no one can ever change how thankful I am for meeting you.
Today was an especially mind-boggling day. The randomness of the world has completely fallen down on my shoulders and landed right in front of my face. A couple of hours ago, I had the ultimate wake up call and it almost left me deaf.
I have said this over and over again but for the sake of those who have just "tuned in" and are lazy to scroll down to read, I have never been inlove. I have had 4 relationships but never have I truly, honestly fallen inlove. Don't look at me, I don't know why either.
But over the past month, I've been blessed to know what it feels like to actually fall. Hence I really haven't fallen but knowing it was inevitable somehow made me feel good and well, back then I was very much in anticipation. Tonight, this morning rather, changed it all. The cards have been laid down, everything has been turned inside out.. Everything has been spoken for and I thank Him for not letting me fall flat on my face. I don't exactly know how everything was concluded, all I know is that I'm okay. Okay with how things turned out.. Okay with how things can turn out to be and i'm okay even with the things I am certainly uncertain of. I am okay and though it took me a while to get here, I've never been so glad to be anywhere but here before.
I have been through heaps and heaps of chaos, problems and whatever it is you wanna call it. I've programmed myself to be perennially independent and stoic towards any kind of emotional attachments. I was two when my father died and since then I think I never ever fully attached myself to anyone knowing full well they would eventually go. I know that's not the healthiest way to lead but it has kept me going for a good number of years so I thought why not just use it permanently.. Until one day, I just felt it. That feeling I have never even so much entertained before and then.. Kaboom. Out of nowhere, I was smacked right in the heart of that unchartered territory flailing my arms wildly hoping, praying someone could see me yelping for help and get me out of there. No one came and emotions were doing its thing. It caused me a great deal of energy comtemplating what to do with him and even more energy "figuring" him out.
I now have all the answers and boy were they far out. It came bolting out of nowhere knocking me down to unconscious and til now I'm seeing stars. As he puts it, I now have all the facts but I don't know if he does.
I don't know if he knows how much I've been praying for this. I don't know if he knows how I'm willing to see this through. I don't know if he knows how cool I am about everything that he's opened up.. and I don't know if he knows how I am so sure of my feelings. But as I have decided, that isn't up to me. I'm contented knowing I have been true to myself, said all I had to say and understand whatever and everything I had (and needed) to understand.
It sucks.
But as all things in my life, i'll get over this and move on.. A different chapter will always keep on opening and I can never stress how grateful I am that God is entrusting me with another day to learn about myself, others and the world.. That how although I have not been the best person, I know He knows I have always tried.
As I try to hold back the tears, they stubbornly slid down ever so slowly as if anticipating for me to bawl even harder but no, that wouldn't help so instead i'm going to breathe, bask in the ray of dawn and smile through the persistent crows of my heart especially when it knows how I can never fully forget.. I can try but knowing me, I never will.
I have mastered the art of letting go but for the first time in my life, I'm exploring the wonderful world of holding on.
Wish me luck.
I know it's been a while since you've all been filled in about my life so far and i'm not even going to try explaining it cause I can't.. So much has happened and it's all too much to write. My heart is too full with experiences and I know deep down that I have never felt more complete in my entire life.
Almost 2 months ago, my team and I embarked on an AIESEC journey that I never thought would hold this much meaning in my life.. but lo and behold, I can't think of any other way to seal my AIESEC experience than handling the first PBOX of the AIESEC in the Philippines. Call me cocky but this fact will always mean the world to me and my team especially with everything we have done and gained from this incredibly life changing two-months. It has been hard, frustrating, draining. It was mentally, physically and financially straining but all the more rewarding. I have never seen a group enslave themselves as much as my team did and I think it's sad that I don't get to express how utterly grateful I am that to be surrounded by solid people like them.. None of the amazing memories would ever come through if one would exit the picture. I am eternally indebted to them.
To the 14 international souls who graced my country for nearly 2 months, I don't think I can ever explain how much they have changed my life. They have pierced through my eyes and made me see things the way I never considered before. I am blessed to have known them and will continue to be thankful that I crossed paths with 14 outstanding individuals.
To Cem, Charlotte and Jessica who will all go back to their homes, I wish nothing but the very best for all of you. You all have earned for yourselves niches in my heart and no one can ever change how thankful I am for meeting you.
Today was an especially mind-boggling day. The randomness of the world has completely fallen down on my shoulders and landed right in front of my face. A couple of hours ago, I had the ultimate wake up call and it almost left me deaf.
I have said this over and over again but for the sake of those who have just "tuned in" and are lazy to scroll down to read, I have never been inlove. I have had 4 relationships but never have I truly, honestly fallen inlove. Don't look at me, I don't know why either.
But over the past month, I've been blessed to know what it feels like to actually fall. Hence I really haven't fallen but knowing it was inevitable somehow made me feel good and well, back then I was very much in anticipation. Tonight, this morning rather, changed it all. The cards have been laid down, everything has been turned inside out.. Everything has been spoken for and I thank Him for not letting me fall flat on my face. I don't exactly know how everything was concluded, all I know is that I'm okay. Okay with how things turned out.. Okay with how things can turn out to be and i'm okay even with the things I am certainly uncertain of. I am okay and though it took me a while to get here, I've never been so glad to be anywhere but here before.
I have been through heaps and heaps of chaos, problems and whatever it is you wanna call it. I've programmed myself to be perennially independent and stoic towards any kind of emotional attachments. I was two when my father died and since then I think I never ever fully attached myself to anyone knowing full well they would eventually go. I know that's not the healthiest way to lead but it has kept me going for a good number of years so I thought why not just use it permanently.. Until one day, I just felt it. That feeling I have never even so much entertained before and then.. Kaboom. Out of nowhere, I was smacked right in the heart of that unchartered territory flailing my arms wildly hoping, praying someone could see me yelping for help and get me out of there. No one came and emotions were doing its thing. It caused me a great deal of energy comtemplating what to do with him and even more energy "figuring" him out.
I now have all the answers and boy were they far out. It came bolting out of nowhere knocking me down to unconscious and til now I'm seeing stars. As he puts it, I now have all the facts but I don't know if he does.
I don't know if he knows how much I've been praying for this. I don't know if he knows how I'm willing to see this through. I don't know if he knows how cool I am about everything that he's opened up.. and I don't know if he knows how I am so sure of my feelings. But as I have decided, that isn't up to me. I'm contented knowing I have been true to myself, said all I had to say and understand whatever and everything I had (and needed) to understand.
It sucks.
But as all things in my life, i'll get over this and move on.. A different chapter will always keep on opening and I can never stress how grateful I am that God is entrusting me with another day to learn about myself, others and the world.. That how although I have not been the best person, I know He knows I have always tried.
As I try to hold back the tears, they stubbornly slid down ever so slowly as if anticipating for me to bawl even harder but no, that wouldn't help so instead i'm going to breathe, bask in the ray of dawn and smile through the persistent crows of my heart especially when it knows how I can never fully forget.. I can try but knowing me, I never will.
I have mastered the art of letting go but for the first time in my life, I'm exploring the wonderful world of holding on.
Wish me luck.
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