All Grown Up
I have been struggling to post something here for days now. Been trying but all I've managed to do was stare blankly at the screen only to realize my PC has gone on hibernation and even when I forced (and bribed) myself to write anything, I couldn't. It could be that I just didn't feel like it or that I knew deep down, I could never transcribe how I was truly feeling. There are just certain emotions, not so pleasant ones burbling up inside just waiting to explode and God knows that's the last thing I want to happen.
The past 2 weeks has been difficult, very difficult. A lot of things have changed. My view on certain things, how I define certain things, how I carry myself, how I treat myself, my priorities have shifted, my goals have doubled, my eating habits have changed, heck even my wardrobe now's different. I have welcomed all the changes and took all of them in without even checking to see if it really alright with me. I saw how so much people were buying all the 'alterations' and 'tweakings'in my life and for most of the time I felt I did too. Now I'm not saying I don't and that I regret ever dipping my toes on these changes but I hope I could have consulted with myself more.
I have definitely grown up so much in the last couple of weeks and I'm glad cause I sure as hell needed it but for some reason I'm looking for that added slant in my growth that I somehow missed out on. That slant of redifining myself and not actually changing Ces. I found that I missed the old me, the Ces who was perpetually smiling and giddy, the Ces who found amusement in the most mundane things, the Ces who went on outrageous adventures with friends, the Ces who shopped for everyone but herself, the Ces who would stay up for impossible hours to read and read and read, the Ces who could weave actual literature, the Ces who would burst out singing in the middle of the day simply because I felt like it, the Ces who would drop everything with a mere text from a friend, the Ces who would end up staying out for hours hopping from one 'meet up' with a friend to the next, the Ces who pigged out for no apparent reason, the Ces who seemed to be everyone's life coach, the Ces who devoted Sunday for family, the Ces who made spoke her mind, the Ces who followed her gut and the tug of her heart.. the Ces who was fearless and took on challenges like a pro. I miss the Ces who had the heart of a kid and the soul of an adult.
These days, I'm mocked for pouting 95% of the time, I get irritated by the mere sight of anything silly, I'd chicken out of roadtrips because of having 'better things to do', I hardly get to shop due to lack of time, I don't think I've picked up a book or a newspaper in the last 6 months (which is kinda like forever to me), I can't even compose a single blog entry, I stop myself from singing midway either because I had other things to do or simply felt stupid about it, I can now count in one hand the last time I have actually talked to my friends, the Ces who now eats twice a day, the Ces who doesn't have time to sit down, lend an ear and hear somebody out, the Ces who hasn't seen her mom in over 8 months, I now think twice before opening my mouth, I now have little voices in my head who I preferred to listen to than my own, I now backle and at times back down by the mere sight of chaos.. I feel tired now, tired with what I'm doing and losing that needed exuberance to keep doing what I'm doing.
This has all got to stop.
The past 2 weeks has been difficult, very difficult. A lot of things have changed. My view on certain things, how I define certain things, how I carry myself, how I treat myself, my priorities have shifted, my goals have doubled, my eating habits have changed, heck even my wardrobe now's different. I have welcomed all the changes and took all of them in without even checking to see if it really alright with me. I saw how so much people were buying all the 'alterations' and 'tweakings'in my life and for most of the time I felt I did too. Now I'm not saying I don't and that I regret ever dipping my toes on these changes but I hope I could have consulted with myself more.
I have definitely grown up so much in the last couple of weeks and I'm glad cause I sure as hell needed it but for some reason I'm looking for that added slant in my growth that I somehow missed out on. That slant of redifining myself and not actually changing Ces. I found that I missed the old me, the Ces who was perpetually smiling and giddy, the Ces who found amusement in the most mundane things, the Ces who went on outrageous adventures with friends, the Ces who shopped for everyone but herself, the Ces who would stay up for impossible hours to read and read and read, the Ces who could weave actual literature, the Ces who would burst out singing in the middle of the day simply because I felt like it, the Ces who would drop everything with a mere text from a friend, the Ces who would end up staying out for hours hopping from one 'meet up' with a friend to the next, the Ces who pigged out for no apparent reason, the Ces who seemed to be everyone's life coach, the Ces who devoted Sunday for family, the Ces who made spoke her mind, the Ces who followed her gut and the tug of her heart.. the Ces who was fearless and took on challenges like a pro. I miss the Ces who had the heart of a kid and the soul of an adult.
These days, I'm mocked for pouting 95% of the time, I get irritated by the mere sight of anything silly, I'd chicken out of roadtrips because of having 'better things to do', I hardly get to shop due to lack of time, I don't think I've picked up a book or a newspaper in the last 6 months (which is kinda like forever to me), I can't even compose a single blog entry, I stop myself from singing midway either because I had other things to do or simply felt stupid about it, I can now count in one hand the last time I have actually talked to my friends, the Ces who now eats twice a day, the Ces who doesn't have time to sit down, lend an ear and hear somebody out, the Ces who hasn't seen her mom in over 8 months, I now think twice before opening my mouth, I now have little voices in my head who I preferred to listen to than my own, I now backle and at times back down by the mere sight of chaos.. I feel tired now, tired with what I'm doing and losing that needed exuberance to keep doing what I'm doing.
This has all got to stop.
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