Love Blog-tionary
My heart feels full. It feels bloated, if it's at all allowed to be and feel that way. Hehe. But it is and weirdly enough, I feel good.
I have been in an emotional limbo since my birthday. I have been plagued by a massive amount of unnecessary questions and confusions that only got me from bad to worse. I had a freak episode this morning (think dawn) and I realized just now how totally involved I am at this war I am "fighting".
Then I heard mass, prayed my heart out and God delivered like He always does. My blotch-filled lenses are now crystal clear, I can see clearly now. God gave me the gift to understand and accept the things that I have been resisting since yesterday. He gave me the grace to forgive and love myself despite of myself. That sounds funny but there it is. I proved something else tonight.. That I am inlove and I am inlove enough to let God plan out what He wants to do with the rest of this particular love story. I gave Him back the pen and surrendered the parchment. I know He of all would know how my love story should be like.
I once heard (or read) that Love is like a butterfly. You'll never catch it even if you try running after it. Instead sit back and wait because once it's ready, it will gently land on your palm. So now, I'm opening my hand and as I watch it flutter away from me, for sure a tear will slide but I know I have done the greatest expression of love and that is being genuinely happy even if he has chosen to flutter away. In more ways than one, it's tricky to accept how things have unravelled. It's proving to be a battle within myself and I just pray that my armor is suited enough for this fight of a lifetime.. But this time, this fight will be bloodless, swordless and hate-free. It will be silent. And still and full of understanding. This battle will only have me on the field, sitting upright and patiently waiting until my buttefly chooses to land on my palm once again. I'm just glad that as I wait, I have my fellow princesses awaiting for their Princes to come as well.
For days now, my friend Max and I have been exchanging messages on her multiply site. Here we were surprisingly able to weave the most wonderful and most grown up realizations we've ever had and it's a shame not to share so here goes.. Beware, reading this requires excellent eye sight and treshold for tears.. And kleenex.
SEPTEMBER 30:
CES: Let us both move on, Max. Not because it's over but because we owe ourselves the chance to start anew. We loved and end of the day, that's all that matters. Just what I will be telling him tomorrow, let's forgive ourselves and give ourselves the chance to take a stab at happiness and pray for another shot at love. I think i'm lucky cause I know that as of now, I'm the tough one. I'm intact and I'm the one doing the understanding. I believe that's my gift from God cause at least I am not lost nor was I destroyed. Not that the other is but at least I'm not ruined and that I'm still whole. That I'm still alive, breathing and even if I am bruised, scarred and all.. I'm proud to be standing despite everything. And it's all because of Him.
MAX: Yea, i'm definitely moving on. Since the night or the dawn i've accepted that "it can't be". I've let go. But even if I did let go or is moving on, it still needs to heal some more and I know it will take some time. And I won't frown & regret that it happened but I'll Smile and be thankful that it happened that once again in my life i fell inlove. EVEN if this, the heartbreaks, happened, I still believe in love. I still have faith in love. I still believe that someday my prince will come even if it's not now. I don't want to kiss frogs. I'd rather sleep for 100 hundred years in my castle and wait for my prince to kiss me. I don't want to meet any other beasts because I've already had one and that was enough (haha). I know one day... My aladdin will come and we'll ride his magic carpet and he would show me the shining shimering splendid world :) and finally my once upon a time will be a happily ever after. And i'm happy that you're over being "destroyed" as you were yesterday and that you're up again like me. That's right, you be his strength.
CES: I think this is every woman's role. To give life to them, understand them, take care of them.. In short, become glorified slaves. Haha. But no, kidding aside, falling inlove should never cause us to regret. Let's build our tower (or castle) together, Max. Let's make sure that it's close by so we can still have sleepovers and we'll continue or movie marathons there as we await for our princeses to come. and no matter how long they take, i know it will be worth the wait. I've known since then alam kon i'm ready to fall madly, deeply inlove but when i realized that it wasn't mutual this time, I've come to accept that this isn't anyone's fault. I may be ready but the one He has made especially for me may not be ready just yet and I know He's taking so much time on him cause He's ensuring that when He does give him to me, it will truly be a happily ever after. That when he does come, we'll both be complete and we can finally share our lives with each other. Same with you, Max. God is prepping up your Mr. Destiny. God knows how magical our needs are (we're mental) and that we need equally magically wonderful men to complete our soon to be magical world. For the meantime, as my friend said, we don't need a prince to make us a princess. And as we wait for them (maybe their horses are tired and resting or their carriages broke down), let's practice and improve on our being princesses so that, ehem, we'll be ready to be their Queen when they get here.
MAX: Okay, let's do that so we can quite talking through this site or chatting over messenger. Let's build our castles close so we can just chat (or shout) by the window. And when I grow my hair long enough, so long as it's him who'll climb up, it won't matter to me.. Even if that would hurt. Cause love comes with pain, right? YES, myi Mr. Destiny is now stuck in his own world, trying to be happy with what's happening in his life, fixing up his confusion and straightening out his path, so that when he's ready, we'll both surge on the fight.. And he'll pull out his wand and say "Lumos!" cause he'd want light into his life right? And we're gonna make magic together just like Harry (we're really mental, from fairy tales to wizardry. hahaha). And yeah, their carriage could have turned into pumpkin again or the horse could be eating that's why it's taking them so long to get here.
CES: As they say, you will never experience being perfectly happy if you've never been perfectly hurt. I guess we will never be completely be okay unless we completely feel pain. Time will tell. I know the past days have been stormy for both of us but I know that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.. And granted that we're the solid ones, we need to strengthen ourselves even more, for them. Sigh.. The things you have to do just to have someone to say i love you to.. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. Loving is hard. It's like you're on a roller coaster. It keeps going round and round. It makes you dizzy and light in the head. It can sometimes drive you crazy. It's scary and sometimes, you just feel sick from how bad you feel about all of it. But you can never deny that while you were up there, you've never felt more free and you've never felt more happy. If you're lucky and brave enough, you can even stretch out your hands and wave them frantically. That's real happiness. that's real love.. You break free from your own world and welcome a new somebody to enter into it. But sometimes, one would need to get off cause he can't take the ride, you'll have to pull the emergency brake and since you don't want seeing him in pain, you'll even be the one to pull up his safety bar and prod him to get off. You'll even convince him by saying "You have to get down, you can't take it anymore." But when he does gets down.. The next question is are you going to go down the ride with him or you're going to go continue on the ride. To those who think it's a waste not to continue the ride, they keep going but then realizing soon after that the ride ain't that great without someone to share it with. As for me, I chose to pull the emergency brake myself and lifted his safety bar. It's called a safety bar for a reason and that is to ensure that the person isn't in agony. I guess i'm doing the bravest thing i've ever done my whole life.. To decide on letting it go without the assurance if it's coming back. I wish I knew what may come out of this.. I wish I knew what His plans are pero for now, I'm giving back God the pen and paper. I want Him writing my love story for I know for sure, it will end with a happily ever after.
MAX: I like that rollercoaster part. You're right, I remember myself in a rollercoaster, hands outstretched. Super happy and I had my own world in my seat. Though I was alone that time, at least I didn't have any fears, and in your situation, you had no one to take care of. I didn't mind anything for I know that I could take on the ride.. But sometimes, I wish that I could have ridden it with someone. Someone who would be stretching out his hands with me, holding my hands. The we'll both scream... weeeeeeeeeeeh!! That would be so great.. A feeling that would make us free from everything, every hurt every pain. We'll have our own world and in that world, it's only a wonderland of love. Pain is banned but then again, sometimes we fear of even getting on a roller coaster. We fear something bad might happen BUT, because we want to take that chance, despite our fear, we'll go through with it and that's the time you'll become brave. LIKE in LOVE, we're scared of entering a relationship/commitment, out of fear of getting hurt and hurting someone. But because of that love, we'll face our fears and we'll be brave knowing that it will make us happy.
CES: the concept of getting hurt or something bad happening is always the root cause of a love story gone wrong. and that's one thing i don't ever want to have. i'd rather lose my voice as i scream through the fear and cry from the pain other than being safe on the ground while knowing full well you will never be half as happy as you would be if you were to take that chance. love, like an amusement ride, will be ultimately scary at first. that's why the seats are always in two's.. it's to always make us feel that despite the tumbles and turns of the ride, so long as you're hand in hand with that incredible special someone, no time up there ever feels wasted.. thus every single second will be cherised. it takes a lot to decide on to go on that ride. it takes courage and a lot of trust in the one beside you but then.. that's the way it goes. only complete trust and full on bravery can make you stand the twists and turns of the ride. i say once you're there, enjoy. don't look down.. and if you do need to look down, only do that to remind yourself how amazing it feels to be up there instead of being the one down there staring up and thinking "i could've been that happy". bottomline.. love is one of the most difficult, confusing and most complicated things in this world but also.. it is a most wonderful gift we are priveleged to have exist in our lives. it is a gift we must take hold of and when it does get here.. wow. it will explode in the deepest corners of your heart and melt away every known pain, agony and hurt you've ever been through. one day our princes will come, they will be both be gorgeous (yours will look like ni Oliver James and mine would resemble Prince William), they will sweep us off our feet and show us a world even more magical than the ones we had in our dreams.
End of the day... It's always better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all.
May your days and nights be filled with love, love, love and more pure, pure love!
I have been in an emotional limbo since my birthday. I have been plagued by a massive amount of unnecessary questions and confusions that only got me from bad to worse. I had a freak episode this morning (think dawn) and I realized just now how totally involved I am at this war I am "fighting".
Then I heard mass, prayed my heart out and God delivered like He always does. My blotch-filled lenses are now crystal clear, I can see clearly now. God gave me the gift to understand and accept the things that I have been resisting since yesterday. He gave me the grace to forgive and love myself despite of myself. That sounds funny but there it is. I proved something else tonight.. That I am inlove and I am inlove enough to let God plan out what He wants to do with the rest of this particular love story. I gave Him back the pen and surrendered the parchment. I know He of all would know how my love story should be like.
I once heard (or read) that Love is like a butterfly. You'll never catch it even if you try running after it. Instead sit back and wait because once it's ready, it will gently land on your palm. So now, I'm opening my hand and as I watch it flutter away from me, for sure a tear will slide but I know I have done the greatest expression of love and that is being genuinely happy even if he has chosen to flutter away. In more ways than one, it's tricky to accept how things have unravelled. It's proving to be a battle within myself and I just pray that my armor is suited enough for this fight of a lifetime.. But this time, this fight will be bloodless, swordless and hate-free. It will be silent. And still and full of understanding. This battle will only have me on the field, sitting upright and patiently waiting until my buttefly chooses to land on my palm once again. I'm just glad that as I wait, I have my fellow princesses awaiting for their Princes to come as well.
For days now, my friend Max and I have been exchanging messages on her multiply site. Here we were surprisingly able to weave the most wonderful and most grown up realizations we've ever had and it's a shame not to share so here goes.. Beware, reading this requires excellent eye sight and treshold for tears.. And kleenex.
SEPTEMBER 30:
CES: Let us both move on, Max. Not because it's over but because we owe ourselves the chance to start anew. We loved and end of the day, that's all that matters. Just what I will be telling him tomorrow, let's forgive ourselves and give ourselves the chance to take a stab at happiness and pray for another shot at love. I think i'm lucky cause I know that as of now, I'm the tough one. I'm intact and I'm the one doing the understanding. I believe that's my gift from God cause at least I am not lost nor was I destroyed. Not that the other is but at least I'm not ruined and that I'm still whole. That I'm still alive, breathing and even if I am bruised, scarred and all.. I'm proud to be standing despite everything. And it's all because of Him.
MAX: Yea, i'm definitely moving on. Since the night or the dawn i've accepted that "it can't be". I've let go. But even if I did let go or is moving on, it still needs to heal some more and I know it will take some time. And I won't frown & regret that it happened but I'll Smile and be thankful that it happened that once again in my life i fell inlove. EVEN if this, the heartbreaks, happened, I still believe in love. I still have faith in love. I still believe that someday my prince will come even if it's not now. I don't want to kiss frogs. I'd rather sleep for 100 hundred years in my castle and wait for my prince to kiss me. I don't want to meet any other beasts because I've already had one and that was enough (haha). I know one day... My aladdin will come and we'll ride his magic carpet and he would show me the shining shimering splendid world :) and finally my once upon a time will be a happily ever after. And i'm happy that you're over being "destroyed" as you were yesterday and that you're up again like me. That's right, you be his strength.
CES: I think this is every woman's role. To give life to them, understand them, take care of them.. In short, become glorified slaves. Haha. But no, kidding aside, falling inlove should never cause us to regret. Let's build our tower (or castle) together, Max. Let's make sure that it's close by so we can still have sleepovers and we'll continue or movie marathons there as we await for our princeses to come. and no matter how long they take, i know it will be worth the wait. I've known since then alam kon i'm ready to fall madly, deeply inlove but when i realized that it wasn't mutual this time, I've come to accept that this isn't anyone's fault. I may be ready but the one He has made especially for me may not be ready just yet and I know He's taking so much time on him cause He's ensuring that when He does give him to me, it will truly be a happily ever after. That when he does come, we'll both be complete and we can finally share our lives with each other. Same with you, Max. God is prepping up your Mr. Destiny. God knows how magical our needs are (we're mental) and that we need equally magically wonderful men to complete our soon to be magical world. For the meantime, as my friend said, we don't need a prince to make us a princess. And as we wait for them (maybe their horses are tired and resting or their carriages broke down), let's practice and improve on our being princesses so that, ehem, we'll be ready to be their Queen when they get here.
MAX: Okay, let's do that so we can quite talking through this site or chatting over messenger. Let's build our castles close so we can just chat (or shout) by the window. And when I grow my hair long enough, so long as it's him who'll climb up, it won't matter to me.. Even if that would hurt. Cause love comes with pain, right? YES, myi Mr. Destiny is now stuck in his own world, trying to be happy with what's happening in his life, fixing up his confusion and straightening out his path, so that when he's ready, we'll both surge on the fight.. And he'll pull out his wand and say "Lumos!" cause he'd want light into his life right? And we're gonna make magic together just like Harry (we're really mental, from fairy tales to wizardry. hahaha). And yeah, their carriage could have turned into pumpkin again or the horse could be eating that's why it's taking them so long to get here.
CES: As they say, you will never experience being perfectly happy if you've never been perfectly hurt. I guess we will never be completely be okay unless we completely feel pain. Time will tell. I know the past days have been stormy for both of us but I know that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.. And granted that we're the solid ones, we need to strengthen ourselves even more, for them. Sigh.. The things you have to do just to have someone to say i love you to.. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. Loving is hard. It's like you're on a roller coaster. It keeps going round and round. It makes you dizzy and light in the head. It can sometimes drive you crazy. It's scary and sometimes, you just feel sick from how bad you feel about all of it. But you can never deny that while you were up there, you've never felt more free and you've never felt more happy. If you're lucky and brave enough, you can even stretch out your hands and wave them frantically. That's real happiness. that's real love.. You break free from your own world and welcome a new somebody to enter into it. But sometimes, one would need to get off cause he can't take the ride, you'll have to pull the emergency brake and since you don't want seeing him in pain, you'll even be the one to pull up his safety bar and prod him to get off. You'll even convince him by saying "You have to get down, you can't take it anymore." But when he does gets down.. The next question is are you going to go down the ride with him or you're going to go continue on the ride. To those who think it's a waste not to continue the ride, they keep going but then realizing soon after that the ride ain't that great without someone to share it with. As for me, I chose to pull the emergency brake myself and lifted his safety bar. It's called a safety bar for a reason and that is to ensure that the person isn't in agony. I guess i'm doing the bravest thing i've ever done my whole life.. To decide on letting it go without the assurance if it's coming back. I wish I knew what may come out of this.. I wish I knew what His plans are pero for now, I'm giving back God the pen and paper. I want Him writing my love story for I know for sure, it will end with a happily ever after.
MAX: I like that rollercoaster part. You're right, I remember myself in a rollercoaster, hands outstretched. Super happy and I had my own world in my seat. Though I was alone that time, at least I didn't have any fears, and in your situation, you had no one to take care of. I didn't mind anything for I know that I could take on the ride.. But sometimes, I wish that I could have ridden it with someone. Someone who would be stretching out his hands with me, holding my hands. The we'll both scream... weeeeeeeeeeeh!! That would be so great.. A feeling that would make us free from everything, every hurt every pain. We'll have our own world and in that world, it's only a wonderland of love. Pain is banned but then again, sometimes we fear of even getting on a roller coaster. We fear something bad might happen BUT, because we want to take that chance, despite our fear, we'll go through with it and that's the time you'll become brave. LIKE in LOVE, we're scared of entering a relationship/commitment, out of fear of getting hurt and hurting someone. But because of that love, we'll face our fears and we'll be brave knowing that it will make us happy.
CES: the concept of getting hurt or something bad happening is always the root cause of a love story gone wrong. and that's one thing i don't ever want to have. i'd rather lose my voice as i scream through the fear and cry from the pain other than being safe on the ground while knowing full well you will never be half as happy as you would be if you were to take that chance. love, like an amusement ride, will be ultimately scary at first. that's why the seats are always in two's.. it's to always make us feel that despite the tumbles and turns of the ride, so long as you're hand in hand with that incredible special someone, no time up there ever feels wasted.. thus every single second will be cherised. it takes a lot to decide on to go on that ride. it takes courage and a lot of trust in the one beside you but then.. that's the way it goes. only complete trust and full on bravery can make you stand the twists and turns of the ride. i say once you're there, enjoy. don't look down.. and if you do need to look down, only do that to remind yourself how amazing it feels to be up there instead of being the one down there staring up and thinking "i could've been that happy". bottomline.. love is one of the most difficult, confusing and most complicated things in this world but also.. it is a most wonderful gift we are priveleged to have exist in our lives. it is a gift we must take hold of and when it does get here.. wow. it will explode in the deepest corners of your heart and melt away every known pain, agony and hurt you've ever been through. one day our princes will come, they will be both be gorgeous (yours will look like ni Oliver James and mine would resemble Prince William), they will sweep us off our feet and show us a world even more magical than the ones we had in our dreams.
End of the day... It's always better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all.
May your days and nights be filled with love, love, love and more pure, pure love!
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