Questions and more questions
I turned 21 exactly 38 days ago and all of a sudden I'm now a grown up. It feels weird hearing that right now remembering those younger days when I used to mock anyone older than 18. It baffles me that now that I'm actually 'of age' to do all those things I dreamed about when I was younger (scoring all those nights out partying) seem like a big joke to me now. I mean don't get me wrong, partying is fun and it's you know.. fun, but just not for me. I tried it, back when I was a freshman in college and found that I had no use for it. Didn't see the sense in being in a ridiculously crowded bar full of dangerously intoxicated people who are capable of doing but 3 things; grope you, throw up on you or pass out right in front of you. And I don't think any of those are ever appealing.
Looking back at the past year, I seriously can't complain. The people I've met, the places I've been and the memories I've had are but proofs of how much my life has been one hell of a party. It was crowded with people who had natural desires to change the world and was intoxicated with the passion to keep fighting for a cause. I lived a life that magnified the cruelty of the world and highlighted how apathy for most people was more than a word but a lifestyle. I came to an understanding that no matter how young I am and old I eventually get, the world will not stop and wait til I decide to do something. I don't pretend to know how to heal the world but I do know how to heal myself and right now I don't think there's anywhere else I should start at but there. With myself.
I am now faced with the decision of my life and I am plagued with so many questions. I feel a thundering question mark being pounded onto my head. Confused is an understatement as to what to do. I know what I should do and I know what I have to do but somehow I feel so torn.. So scared that I may not do what's best. Scared to disappoint those around me, scared to fall short on my dreams. God knows how much dreams I have and I am at that point where one false move can break me good.
I am now resorting to making a pro-con list only because I am so lost now that I need all the reaffirmation I can get. But beyond all this, despite the current questions I seem to never get a rest from, let me assure everyone (especially those who got alarmed with my last entry) that I, am okay. Things have definitely turned around and my used to be downtrodden heart is beating quite happily now. I'm very happy and I know this can only be for keeps.
As for all the questions I've been bombarded with, I know that given time and His grace, I'll get my answer and my view will finally clear out.
Looking back at the past year, I seriously can't complain. The people I've met, the places I've been and the memories I've had are but proofs of how much my life has been one hell of a party. It was crowded with people who had natural desires to change the world and was intoxicated with the passion to keep fighting for a cause. I lived a life that magnified the cruelty of the world and highlighted how apathy for most people was more than a word but a lifestyle. I came to an understanding that no matter how young I am and old I eventually get, the world will not stop and wait til I decide to do something. I don't pretend to know how to heal the world but I do know how to heal myself and right now I don't think there's anywhere else I should start at but there. With myself.
I am now faced with the decision of my life and I am plagued with so many questions. I feel a thundering question mark being pounded onto my head. Confused is an understatement as to what to do. I know what I should do and I know what I have to do but somehow I feel so torn.. So scared that I may not do what's best. Scared to disappoint those around me, scared to fall short on my dreams. God knows how much dreams I have and I am at that point where one false move can break me good.
I am now resorting to making a pro-con list only because I am so lost now that I need all the reaffirmation I can get. But beyond all this, despite the current questions I seem to never get a rest from, let me assure everyone (especially those who got alarmed with my last entry) that I, am okay. Things have definitely turned around and my used to be downtrodden heart is beating quite happily now. I'm very happy and I know this can only be for keeps.
As for all the questions I've been bombarded with, I know that given time and His grace, I'll get my answer and my view will finally clear out.
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