Wonderful Life
I have been feeling low for quite a while now. I often get mocked for pouting too much and too often and it does get to me, I just didn't really mind. I was dealing with quite a lot and at that time, I thought I had earned the right to be sullen and keep a dark aura but thank God for miracles. I am now a whole lot better.
For one, I get to crack jokes now and I see myself smiling now.. Something I haven't done for quite a while now. And it felt good, it felt good to have now allowed myself to feel good. I realize that I have been holding back such good emotions. I'm not yet back to the perenially giddy Ces but I can feel her presence sprouting out every once in a while and for now, that's about as good as it gets.
I got a phone call from one of my oldest friends tonight. We ended up chatting about how we used to daydream about our future boyfriends. Of course back then hers was our neighbor and mine was Joshua Jackson (think Mighty Ducks). We had all these rules about not letting our boyfriends take each others' place and that they should be good friends as well. Looking back it was all pretty shallow. Shallow but definitely sweet. I am now reminded of all those childish idealisms I had as a kid and somehow I missed how naive I was to the whole concept of love, let alone of the world.
Love to me back then was larger than life. It was on a pedestal and for a long time I vowed never to mess with it. I swore that my first boyfriend would be my last and that love would come when I am fully prepared. And somehow I think I tried my damndest to stick to that rule given that I was 16 (turning 17) when I had my first boyfriend. I had a fair share of suitors that sprung back to the 3rd grade but things then were just too childish. When I entered High School, I didn't really mind the boys. I dotted on them like brothers and even if most of the friends I had ended up courting me, I didn't really think much about dating and the whole boyfriend thing.
And then I got bored with the whole concept I had of love. It was mostly due to peer pressure that I finally decided to take on a boyfriend. He was a schoolmate and though I'd hate to admit it, I dated him out of curiousity and well, convenience. It was a cruel thing to do but admittedly, I took on it as an experiment. I basically wanted to know how it was to have a boyfriend in HS. That relationship caused me a lot of troubles but we made it through a year. But by the end of that year, I had to fight it out with him to let me go. He was clearly NOT the man I wanted to be with. T
Ta-da! There goes my dream.
I had 3 other boyfriends after that guy but all of them didn't cut it. They are all good guys, I'm sure but none of them had what it took to actually make me look further into the future to see if there was anything there worth seeing. I learned a lot from my past relationships and although all ended quite unfortunately, I do not regret having those guys in my life. They made me realize so much about the world and made me recognize myself even more. There were next to horrible stuff but there were those I still smile about til now.
Love has had a new meaning since my last relationship over a year ago. I definitely developed a much deeper and more mature understanding of what Love should really be like. I still have a lot of floating questions stocked in my brain but these are questions I look forward to understanding by means of experiencing the real deal.
My friends all know how bitter and cynical I have been for a while. They all know of my horrid love-o-rama in the past and somehow they just let me be (knowing full well that they can't really stop me, hehehe). It was only recently that I somehow saw a light in that somehow bleak sction of my life. Things gradually started to change and so much has now been added to my love-o-nary. It does pay to truly be inlove.
Yes, I'm inlove.
It took me (us, rather) a long time to get here. It was a long, winding and explicitly deceiving road that we had to trek before finding our way to each others arms but alas, we made it. No matter how we try to think back, recall and rewind how our lives finally intersected, I can't explain how good I feel about all this right now. I finally found someone who would fight tooth and nail, just to see me smile. There had been times when I doubted all of this, maybe it was too good to be true but when a storm came our way (literally and figuratively), I knew that this isn't one of "those things" anymore. This was definitely for keeps.
My bestfriend Kae had but one advice on finding true love ever since the day she found hers. She always reminded me how important it was to find someone who sees your pain despite the smiles and someone who'd feel your happiness despite the tears. Same goes with my Mom.. You see I have the coolest mother in the world. That whole generation gap never posed a problem for us despite the 37 (light) years between us, she somehow always understood me and what I was about. I tell her everything and I know that has been the one great fuel in our amazing relationship. Despite not seeing her in over 9 months, she knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me and has been completely been the bestest friend I've ever had. I know that I have hurt my mom along the way with most of my decisions and behaviors in the past but she has never failed to make me feel that there's nothing she won't understand. There are even times when she would be candid with her pieces of advice over overly serious matters and whenever I'd ask why she's being so calm and even humurous about everything, she'd simply say, "I trust that you know what you're doing kaya pinapatawa na lan kita". (I trust that you know what you're doing so there's nothing left for me to do than cheer you up)
I have a great bestfriend and an even more amazing mother so for a long time there really wasn't anything or anyone I could have possibly hoped for. But then little did I know, I would be blessed with someone who honestly saw my tears through the rain and would patiently (painstakingly and relentlessly) await for my smile every single day.
There are days when I feel like the world has turned its back on me and that the sky has chosen to fall on me, leaving me flat-faced on the ground. I most of the time end up ranting and crying in vain but then after all the temper tantrums, I manage some quite time for myself and memories flood my thoughts. And it's always these three people who crowd my head and suddenly... Life doesn't seem so bad anymore.
For one, I get to crack jokes now and I see myself smiling now.. Something I haven't done for quite a while now. And it felt good, it felt good to have now allowed myself to feel good. I realize that I have been holding back such good emotions. I'm not yet back to the perenially giddy Ces but I can feel her presence sprouting out every once in a while and for now, that's about as good as it gets.
I got a phone call from one of my oldest friends tonight. We ended up chatting about how we used to daydream about our future boyfriends. Of course back then hers was our neighbor and mine was Joshua Jackson (think Mighty Ducks). We had all these rules about not letting our boyfriends take each others' place and that they should be good friends as well. Looking back it was all pretty shallow. Shallow but definitely sweet. I am now reminded of all those childish idealisms I had as a kid and somehow I missed how naive I was to the whole concept of love, let alone of the world.
Love to me back then was larger than life. It was on a pedestal and for a long time I vowed never to mess with it. I swore that my first boyfriend would be my last and that love would come when I am fully prepared. And somehow I think I tried my damndest to stick to that rule given that I was 16 (turning 17) when I had my first boyfriend. I had a fair share of suitors that sprung back to the 3rd grade but things then were just too childish. When I entered High School, I didn't really mind the boys. I dotted on them like brothers and even if most of the friends I had ended up courting me, I didn't really think much about dating and the whole boyfriend thing.
And then I got bored with the whole concept I had of love. It was mostly due to peer pressure that I finally decided to take on a boyfriend. He was a schoolmate and though I'd hate to admit it, I dated him out of curiousity and well, convenience. It was a cruel thing to do but admittedly, I took on it as an experiment. I basically wanted to know how it was to have a boyfriend in HS. That relationship caused me a lot of troubles but we made it through a year. But by the end of that year, I had to fight it out with him to let me go. He was clearly NOT the man I wanted to be with. T
Ta-da! There goes my dream.
I had 3 other boyfriends after that guy but all of them didn't cut it. They are all good guys, I'm sure but none of them had what it took to actually make me look further into the future to see if there was anything there worth seeing. I learned a lot from my past relationships and although all ended quite unfortunately, I do not regret having those guys in my life. They made me realize so much about the world and made me recognize myself even more. There were next to horrible stuff but there were those I still smile about til now.
Love has had a new meaning since my last relationship over a year ago. I definitely developed a much deeper and more mature understanding of what Love should really be like. I still have a lot of floating questions stocked in my brain but these are questions I look forward to understanding by means of experiencing the real deal.
My friends all know how bitter and cynical I have been for a while. They all know of my horrid love-o-rama in the past and somehow they just let me be (knowing full well that they can't really stop me, hehehe). It was only recently that I somehow saw a light in that somehow bleak sction of my life. Things gradually started to change and so much has now been added to my love-o-nary. It does pay to truly be inlove.
Yes, I'm inlove.
It took me (us, rather) a long time to get here. It was a long, winding and explicitly deceiving road that we had to trek before finding our way to each others arms but alas, we made it. No matter how we try to think back, recall and rewind how our lives finally intersected, I can't explain how good I feel about all this right now. I finally found someone who would fight tooth and nail, just to see me smile. There had been times when I doubted all of this, maybe it was too good to be true but when a storm came our way (literally and figuratively), I knew that this isn't one of "those things" anymore. This was definitely for keeps.
My bestfriend Kae had but one advice on finding true love ever since the day she found hers. She always reminded me how important it was to find someone who sees your pain despite the smiles and someone who'd feel your happiness despite the tears. Same goes with my Mom.. You see I have the coolest mother in the world. That whole generation gap never posed a problem for us despite the 37 (light) years between us, she somehow always understood me and what I was about. I tell her everything and I know that has been the one great fuel in our amazing relationship. Despite not seeing her in over 9 months, she knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me and has been completely been the bestest friend I've ever had. I know that I have hurt my mom along the way with most of my decisions and behaviors in the past but she has never failed to make me feel that there's nothing she won't understand. There are even times when she would be candid with her pieces of advice over overly serious matters and whenever I'd ask why she's being so calm and even humurous about everything, she'd simply say, "I trust that you know what you're doing kaya pinapatawa na lan kita". (I trust that you know what you're doing so there's nothing left for me to do than cheer you up)
I have a great bestfriend and an even more amazing mother so for a long time there really wasn't anything or anyone I could have possibly hoped for. But then little did I know, I would be blessed with someone who honestly saw my tears through the rain and would patiently (painstakingly and relentlessly) await for my smile every single day.
There are days when I feel like the world has turned its back on me and that the sky has chosen to fall on me, leaving me flat-faced on the ground. I most of the time end up ranting and crying in vain but then after all the temper tantrums, I manage some quite time for myself and memories flood my thoughts. And it's always these three people who crowd my head and suddenly... Life doesn't seem so bad anymore.
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