My life as a Paradox
January 26, 2007
10:18 PM
Flat 30 Parrish View
Pudding Chare Newcastle
Ironies of Ironies
Just minutes ago, I heard an ambulance siren blast through so I tilted my head up to check where it was coming from. It came natural to me to think how sad it was to know someone was getting rushed from something that could be fatal. But now that I’ve settled down to a comfortable corner I realize that it can’t be so bad hearing that siren because it also means that someone was actually taken into care when he could just have probably died if no one bothered. Ah, the ironies of life.
Take my decision to move here for instance. This has been everything I have imagined, dreamed of since I was a kid. I always knew I would go far away, travel, see the world and have a taste of everything splendid and bitter. I knew life would take me far, farther than the confines of my southeastern boundaries. I of course imagined something a lot more extravagant but my life right now is nothing short of what I always bent down for before bedtime for ages and ages ago. This has always been my dream and I never thought I would and could possibly decide to think otherwise about being here but alas, life’s puzzles seem to never endingly bewilder me.
I haven’t even been gone a week but yes, I am definitely homesick.
My feet though wrapped with 2 blankets are still dead cold. I guess that’s what I get from relocating about 10,000 miles away from my tropical paradise of a home; I not only get culture shock, I get a good surprise from the weather as well. But my feet (or my hands) aren’t the only ones cold. Apart from my appendages and practically everything I touch here, the coldest would probably be my heart.
I took the Plunge and Dove
I have been living on my own since I was 15. I’ve always had a nanny but all they ever really did was prepare my meals, fix the house and chaperone me around. Their job description ended there no matter how close I got with them. I grew up quite close to me family, both immediate and those extended (you’d be surprised at how close I am with my distant relatives) but through all these years of fending for myself, I have been pretty independent. I had to grow up fast, I was the boss of myself and never really attached myself to anyone or anything for that matter. I guess that was my defense mechanism, it’s pretty safe to say that I lived by the creed: love all trust a few. It wasn’t exactly a healthy state of mind but it got me through life fine. I made a lot of good friends, friends whom I have been fortunate enough to keep standing by me after all these years and have managed to keep my family life intact and whole despite the limited time we spend together. I never really imagined myself attached to something or someone as much as I do now. I never thought I could feel the way I do now, never thought I would want to be with someone this bad and I never thought I would care and love someone as I do now.
Life is a wheel and my, my.. it’s finally turned my way.
She said, He said..
Relationships are funny things. They are the easiest things to get in and out of but the hardest to keep and maintain. I’ve learned this the hard way. It’s taken me 4 failed relationships to finally realize that relationships aren’t about anniversaries, how much things you have in common or the length of time you’ve known each other or have been together. It’s not about having your peers’ approval or how much you’ve both done for each other. Love and Relationship isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about winning, staying ahead or getting even. It’s not a game for heaven’s sakes.
But it’s in compromising. Working it out, defining who your partner is to you and what he is in your life. It’s about choosing to be with him and mindfully understanding him despite and in spite of. It’s about commitment, trust, respect and recognizing how you can bring out the best in each other. It’s in nurturing your partner’s growth while never forgetting your own. It’s about passion and having fun, resolving issues and discussing things in a civilized manner. It’s about cutting each other some slack when need be, owning up to your faults and swallowing your pride. It’s about allowing yourself to become vulnerable only because you know, with him, you’re safe and free. Safe to be yourself and free to discover who and whatever else you can be.
End of the day, my ironic life can’t be any fabulous. A lot can still be better but I know in time, it will manifest its most splendid multitude of possibilities and realities in their own given time. Until then, I will wait.. along with the blasted internet connection.
10:18 PM
Flat 30 Parrish View
Pudding Chare Newcastle
Ironies of Ironies
Just minutes ago, I heard an ambulance siren blast through so I tilted my head up to check where it was coming from. It came natural to me to think how sad it was to know someone was getting rushed from something that could be fatal. But now that I’ve settled down to a comfortable corner I realize that it can’t be so bad hearing that siren because it also means that someone was actually taken into care when he could just have probably died if no one bothered. Ah, the ironies of life.
Take my decision to move here for instance. This has been everything I have imagined, dreamed of since I was a kid. I always knew I would go far away, travel, see the world and have a taste of everything splendid and bitter. I knew life would take me far, farther than the confines of my southeastern boundaries. I of course imagined something a lot more extravagant but my life right now is nothing short of what I always bent down for before bedtime for ages and ages ago. This has always been my dream and I never thought I would and could possibly decide to think otherwise about being here but alas, life’s puzzles seem to never endingly bewilder me.
I haven’t even been gone a week but yes, I am definitely homesick.
My feet though wrapped with 2 blankets are still dead cold. I guess that’s what I get from relocating about 10,000 miles away from my tropical paradise of a home; I not only get culture shock, I get a good surprise from the weather as well. But my feet (or my hands) aren’t the only ones cold. Apart from my appendages and practically everything I touch here, the coldest would probably be my heart.
Newcastle is definitely a place I can see myself eventually living in. Quaint, simple, the people are very easy going and it’s a break away from the polluted metropolis I’ve been used to for the past decades. It’s a lovely place, a place I know I will one day ultimately fall in love with but, sadly, the lovin’ just ain’t kicking in yet. Although the place is by far a million miles better than already urbanized Metro Manila, nothing beats home. Nothing beats the normalcy of being somewhere you really belong. Someone you really fit and won’t have to check twice before doing anything because everything you do around you is second nature. Nothing is ever weird, nothing is out of the ordinary. You fit. Everything around you is familiar, common.
And close to your heart.
I’d be lying if I say that I’m not happy because I am. For one, I’m glad to be able to walk down the street without fearing I’d get lung cancer the time I get home (although I could potentially die of passive smoking here) from all the smoke in the air. I’m glad not seeing beggars knocking on car windows anymore (they’re the very reason why I want to be a Human Rights lawyer one day) and because I know not everyone is given this kind of opportunity. Not everyone can afford this and not everyone gets the kind of support I get from my family and friends. But I do feel like half of me is missing.. and I think we all know where my other piece (or pieces) are.
I’d be lying if I say that I’m not happy because I am. For one, I’m glad to be able to walk down the street without fearing I’d get lung cancer the time I get home (although I could potentially die of passive smoking here) from all the smoke in the air. I’m glad not seeing beggars knocking on car windows anymore (they’re the very reason why I want to be a Human Rights lawyer one day) and because I know not everyone is given this kind of opportunity. Not everyone can afford this and not everyone gets the kind of support I get from my family and friends. But I do feel like half of me is missing.. and I think we all know where my other piece (or pieces) are.
I took the Plunge and Dove
I have been living on my own since I was 15. I’ve always had a nanny but all they ever really did was prepare my meals, fix the house and chaperone me around. Their job description ended there no matter how close I got with them. I grew up quite close to me family, both immediate and those extended (you’d be surprised at how close I am with my distant relatives) but through all these years of fending for myself, I have been pretty independent. I had to grow up fast, I was the boss of myself and never really attached myself to anyone or anything for that matter. I guess that was my defense mechanism, it’s pretty safe to say that I lived by the creed: love all trust a few. It wasn’t exactly a healthy state of mind but it got me through life fine. I made a lot of good friends, friends whom I have been fortunate enough to keep standing by me after all these years and have managed to keep my family life intact and whole despite the limited time we spend together. I never really imagined myself attached to something or someone as much as I do now. I never thought I could feel the way I do now, never thought I would want to be with someone this bad and I never thought I would care and love someone as I do now.
Life is a wheel and my, my.. it’s finally turned my way.
She said, He said..
Relationships are funny things. They are the easiest things to get in and out of but the hardest to keep and maintain. I’ve learned this the hard way. It’s taken me 4 failed relationships to finally realize that relationships aren’t about anniversaries, how much things you have in common or the length of time you’ve known each other or have been together. It’s not about having your peers’ approval or how much you’ve both done for each other. Love and Relationship isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about winning, staying ahead or getting even. It’s not a game for heaven’s sakes.
But it’s in compromising. Working it out, defining who your partner is to you and what he is in your life. It’s about choosing to be with him and mindfully understanding him despite and in spite of. It’s about commitment, trust, respect and recognizing how you can bring out the best in each other. It’s in nurturing your partner’s growth while never forgetting your own. It’s about passion and having fun, resolving issues and discussing things in a civilized manner. It’s about cutting each other some slack when need be, owning up to your faults and swallowing your pride. It’s about allowing yourself to become vulnerable only because you know, with him, you’re safe and free. Safe to be yourself and free to discover who and whatever else you can be.
End of the day, my ironic life can’t be any fabulous. A lot can still be better but I know in time, it will manifest its most splendid multitude of possibilities and realities in their own given time. Until then, I will wait.. along with the blasted internet connection.
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