Just Fine
Today marks my 40th day here in Newcastle. I don't think I'll ever truly adapt to the "UK life" but I think I've somehow adjusted. I came here without any form of expectation, much less any knowledge of what was to come. All I knew was that I'd have to be one of those blessed people to have the kind of opportunity I'm savoring right now.
Not everyone is given this chance, I know. My friends and family from back home never get tired of reminding me that and I think that's something I have always known and continue to be thankful for. The events that led to today has been the farthest thing from a walk in the park. I have had quite a journey and the story leading up to me sitting here in Flat 30 in 19 Pudding Chare has been nothing but extraordinary. From plans gone wrong, bouts with the high and mighty immigration people, to my incredulously hasty exit that left everyone back home, stunned. It's a meat to a broadway production which I'm sure will score a not too shabby review, if I do say so myself. And no matter how I try to look back, trace and retrace everything that has materialized, I can't help but think that hey, I might just be destined to be here.
I know I've said that once here but it's only now that it's starting to really sink in. It could be that I needed a whole lot of time to adjust and familiarize myself with the life I now have. I know my way around town now, I have shopped (did lots of that), ran errands all by myself. I'm starting to get a feel of it all and somehow things are finally falling into place. With my flat now ready for occupancy (still leeching here at EJ's though, hehe) and people I'm starting to get really close to, Newcastle doesn't seem such a lonely place anymore. And while it's nothing like Manila, I guess it's not so bad.
Yes, I would have to admit that I don't hate this place anymore and while I still cry myself to sleep every night, it's now brought about by just pure nostalgia coupled with being homesick but not so much of resentment anymore. And I like this feeling.
But having said that, while all is well and chipper here, I am still haunted as to the proverbial quetion Why. Why oh why am I here? What am I doing here? Why am I not sweating it out like everyone back home is? Why aren't I in the place I have been longing to set foot on the minute I boarded that plane? I have been contemplating hard on the reason and have been desperately figuring it out but I've decided to stop. I'm letting it be and I'm letting my life run the course it's destined to all along.
I can't say that everything is great, because it's not. I can't say that I will stop crying, because I won't. I can't say that I'd rather be here than home, because I don't. But I also cannot say that I don't want this, because I do.
I really, really do.
It certainly isn't what I imagined it to be but I now know that it doesn't mean this isn't what's best for me. I am here for a purpose, a purpose I have yet to find out and along that path of discovery, I know I have to learn to bask in every single detail of my Newcastle Life. A life that I was blessed with and a life I should not dare take for granted.
And what about the lonely nights and unbearable cold? I take my cue from my late Father.
See I never once prayed to him. I never called onto him, he died when I was 2 and even in prayer, I never thought I could rely on him. He was just never there. But over the last few days with everything was just going crazy here, I tried it out. I tried calling onto my Papa, a man I share a birthday with and I'm supposed to be most alike with. I guess my prayer worked because not very long after, I woke up crying after a dream with him imparting to me the single best advice I think I've ever, ever had in my entire life.
We were supposed to be in our ancestral house in our home province of Aklan, Philippines when I got up, strolled into the kitchen where I could smell the aroma of Bulalo, a native Filipino dish that happens to be his specialty. I sat down and he poured me a bowl of its soup. I knew it was good and I also knew it was going to be hot. As I was playing with the soup, trying to cool it down with my stirring powers, my Papa sat down, took the bowl away from me and placed it infront of him and said, "Don't play with it. It's still hot. Blow it a bit, then let it stay to cool and when it's cool, you'll see. You'll be ready to enjoy it."
Now I know that might seem to be one of those ordinary dreams that probably means nothing to the untrained mind but in my book, that was my father telling me not to live life the hasty way I have been living, telling me not to play. It was his way of reminding me that life is hard (in referrence to the dish, it was hot) and that I should just let things be because it will cool down in its own time and once it's ready, once the time's set, I can finally enjoy it. I don't know if that it meant but I do know that I my life isn't going to be any easier but then again, so?
So what if my classes are ridiculously lame, so what if I'm still unsure of what I want in life, so what if most if not all of my plans are slowly dissintegrating and so what if I'm oceans and oceans away from the man I love.. I know all of this will one day, make sense. And if that's not something to look forward to, I don't know what else is.
As I type this, Taylor Hicks is providing me with entertainment as he belts out his euphoric "Do I make you proud" and as I listen to the lines of the song, I am flooded with so much memories. Of the long talks my mom and I had upon making the decision of my departure. The meltdowns I've been having every so often since I got here and the usual procrastination of a better life in the Philippines, just for me. But then I Taylor sings, "this is what we dreamed about but the only question with me now is do I make you proud".. I stare out the window and realize that however my life may be right now, it's not for me to say whether or not I've lived well. I can only do so much and I can only do my damndest but end of it all, I'm but human and the one I am living my life for is Up There, beaming and smiling at me.. Signifying, reassuring that it's all going to be fine.
Just fine.
Not everyone is given this chance, I know. My friends and family from back home never get tired of reminding me that and I think that's something I have always known and continue to be thankful for. The events that led to today has been the farthest thing from a walk in the park. I have had quite a journey and the story leading up to me sitting here in Flat 30 in 19 Pudding Chare has been nothing but extraordinary. From plans gone wrong, bouts with the high and mighty immigration people, to my incredulously hasty exit that left everyone back home, stunned. It's a meat to a broadway production which I'm sure will score a not too shabby review, if I do say so myself. And no matter how I try to look back, trace and retrace everything that has materialized, I can't help but think that hey, I might just be destined to be here.
I know I've said that once here but it's only now that it's starting to really sink in. It could be that I needed a whole lot of time to adjust and familiarize myself with the life I now have. I know my way around town now, I have shopped (did lots of that), ran errands all by myself. I'm starting to get a feel of it all and somehow things are finally falling into place. With my flat now ready for occupancy (still leeching here at EJ's though, hehe) and people I'm starting to get really close to, Newcastle doesn't seem such a lonely place anymore. And while it's nothing like Manila, I guess it's not so bad.
Yes, I would have to admit that I don't hate this place anymore and while I still cry myself to sleep every night, it's now brought about by just pure nostalgia coupled with being homesick but not so much of resentment anymore. And I like this feeling.
But having said that, while all is well and chipper here, I am still haunted as to the proverbial quetion Why. Why oh why am I here? What am I doing here? Why am I not sweating it out like everyone back home is? Why aren't I in the place I have been longing to set foot on the minute I boarded that plane? I have been contemplating hard on the reason and have been desperately figuring it out but I've decided to stop. I'm letting it be and I'm letting my life run the course it's destined to all along.
I can't say that everything is great, because it's not. I can't say that I will stop crying, because I won't. I can't say that I'd rather be here than home, because I don't. But I also cannot say that I don't want this, because I do.
I really, really do.
It certainly isn't what I imagined it to be but I now know that it doesn't mean this isn't what's best for me. I am here for a purpose, a purpose I have yet to find out and along that path of discovery, I know I have to learn to bask in every single detail of my Newcastle Life. A life that I was blessed with and a life I should not dare take for granted.
And what about the lonely nights and unbearable cold? I take my cue from my late Father.
See I never once prayed to him. I never called onto him, he died when I was 2 and even in prayer, I never thought I could rely on him. He was just never there. But over the last few days with everything was just going crazy here, I tried it out. I tried calling onto my Papa, a man I share a birthday with and I'm supposed to be most alike with. I guess my prayer worked because not very long after, I woke up crying after a dream with him imparting to me the single best advice I think I've ever, ever had in my entire life.
We were supposed to be in our ancestral house in our home province of Aklan, Philippines when I got up, strolled into the kitchen where I could smell the aroma of Bulalo, a native Filipino dish that happens to be his specialty. I sat down and he poured me a bowl of its soup. I knew it was good and I also knew it was going to be hot. As I was playing with the soup, trying to cool it down with my stirring powers, my Papa sat down, took the bowl away from me and placed it infront of him and said, "Don't play with it. It's still hot. Blow it a bit, then let it stay to cool and when it's cool, you'll see. You'll be ready to enjoy it."
Now I know that might seem to be one of those ordinary dreams that probably means nothing to the untrained mind but in my book, that was my father telling me not to live life the hasty way I have been living, telling me not to play. It was his way of reminding me that life is hard (in referrence to the dish, it was hot) and that I should just let things be because it will cool down in its own time and once it's ready, once the time's set, I can finally enjoy it. I don't know if that it meant but I do know that I my life isn't going to be any easier but then again, so?
So what if my classes are ridiculously lame, so what if I'm still unsure of what I want in life, so what if most if not all of my plans are slowly dissintegrating and so what if I'm oceans and oceans away from the man I love.. I know all of this will one day, make sense. And if that's not something to look forward to, I don't know what else is.
As I type this, Taylor Hicks is providing me with entertainment as he belts out his euphoric "Do I make you proud" and as I listen to the lines of the song, I am flooded with so much memories. Of the long talks my mom and I had upon making the decision of my departure. The meltdowns I've been having every so often since I got here and the usual procrastination of a better life in the Philippines, just for me. But then I Taylor sings, "this is what we dreamed about but the only question with me now is do I make you proud".. I stare out the window and realize that however my life may be right now, it's not for me to say whether or not I've lived well. I can only do so much and I can only do my damndest but end of it all, I'm but human and the one I am living my life for is Up There, beaming and smiling at me.. Signifying, reassuring that it's all going to be fine.Just fine.
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