The Rubber has Snapped
When I was a little girl, my grandfather would tell me the surest way to live a happy life was to live it for someone else. He was always so kind and gentle, everybody loved him but not as much as I did. And not long before he died, on one summer night, he read to me a line from a book (I forgot which book though) that I would never forget. "Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle". One because it somehow always reminded me of him and two, I honestly always thought it was the best way to live.
Until now.
I'm not perfect, God knows how many times I've been wrong and I am not even for a second pretending to be one. I can be mean, judgmental, selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, i'm a big nag and I can be impossibly stubborn. I have not lived a perfect life or anything near that. And though I act all confident and self-assured, I am a disaster waiting to happen. All my life I have been masking my fears, putting up a tough exterior and a nonchalant expression on my face almost 24/7. I have taken a liking to this method since I figured this way, I can be nice to people yet won't have to worry about getting too attached and ending hurt once they leave me -which surprisingly always happens.. to me.
I have lost so many people in my life both from death or simply dessertation. I have mastered the art of having too many friends but keeping dear very few ones. I befriended everyone but kept them at an arm's length out of my fear of attachment but this have never ceased me to share myself with others. I am way too talkative to not be an open book to everyone. Ironic, I know. Why open up at all if I don't have intentions of attachment, right? It's because deep down, I know one day, I'll stop the need for shielding and cover up. That someday, I'd find that person who will look at me and take me as I am and for all that I was and could ever be. That one could make me see what I was worth.. And I always believed that once the right person came all my fears would just lull away in the sweet abyss of his embrace.
For more than 2 decades, I have always loved everybody and gave to everybody -no questions asked. That same optimism of love and hope made me the believer that I always was. i fell into this trance of believing that love --and hopefully Happiness, the real kind, would come.
But my usually eternally optimistic disposition has taken a haitus and left me stark naked, bare and cold. Not to mention exacerbated with everything I have had to deal with. I'm exhausted. Exhausted of fighting and trying to give sense into everything just because I can't bear the thought of letting some things go. It's these days that I prove the hardest thing about being in a battle is suiting up only to find out there's nothing left for you to fight for.
And if that wasn't enough, I have had the same tricky and sticky fate with the people I meet, the friends I make.. I think if anything, I have always been a good friend but somehow I always gets sucked into this mess of a game that only plays along the lines of deceit, prejudice and hypocrisy. And always gets me tangled up, pretty bad.
I know I'm lucky to have found for myself friends who have tested out time's wrath on with me and have kept me feeling secured of their love despite the many miles we never seem to run out between us. But then of course there are those who have come into my life and just shatters me good. I've kept reminding myself how everyone comes into your life for a reason (as everything that happens does)but I can't help thinking, what if those people were simply put in my life to hurt me. I don't even wanna go there but from how I have been battered and bruised by people, my thoughts on "the goodness in people" is walking a very thin tight rope right about now.
Today, I have just had enough. I'm tired. Tired of being pushed around, taken for granted, used, mocked.. and tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of making myself forgive people just because it's never been in my nature to hate. It's just not fair. Why is it always me? Why do I always, always do this to myself? Why do I keep loving people even when it's so obvious that I'm just getting f*cked? Why do I subject myself to having my efforts shunned and spat on every single time. Why can't I just let them go and forget about them? I know I do not deserve half the things I have been stormed with lately because if there's anything I know for certain about myself it's that I am and have always been a good person. And although I know no one can ever put a good person down, I'm also just human and this particular girl has just had it.
Pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na masaktan. (I am just so tired. I don't want to get hurt anymore)
As I sit here, alone with enough tears in my eyes to draw me a bath, I wonder.. What happened to all those I have so keenly taken cared of? Where are all those acts of love I have shown to people.. more importantly, where are they? Was life worth living having half the pain I have endured for so many people, troubles I have gotten into for others and those incessant looking-afters and spoiling I've been doing for everyone all my life?!What is it worth now that I find myself alone?! I have never hurt this badly before. Add up all the tears I've shed since Age 0 til about last January and you wouldn't even come close to just how much I've cried in the last 3 months. I have definitely outcried myself because quite frankly, the pain is just way too uncanny. So yea, maybe some people are meant to come into our lives just to screw us up.. and well, at this point, bravo to them I say! They not only screwed me up, they've also ruined my life.
And I'm done. With them. With all of them. Ayoko na. (I don't want this anymore)
Until now.
I'm not perfect, God knows how many times I've been wrong and I am not even for a second pretending to be one. I can be mean, judgmental, selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, i'm a big nag and I can be impossibly stubborn. I have not lived a perfect life or anything near that. And though I act all confident and self-assured, I am a disaster waiting to happen. All my life I have been masking my fears, putting up a tough exterior and a nonchalant expression on my face almost 24/7. I have taken a liking to this method since I figured this way, I can be nice to people yet won't have to worry about getting too attached and ending hurt once they leave me -which surprisingly always happens.. to me.
I have lost so many people in my life both from death or simply dessertation. I have mastered the art of having too many friends but keeping dear very few ones. I befriended everyone but kept them at an arm's length out of my fear of attachment but this have never ceased me to share myself with others. I am way too talkative to not be an open book to everyone. Ironic, I know. Why open up at all if I don't have intentions of attachment, right? It's because deep down, I know one day, I'll stop the need for shielding and cover up. That someday, I'd find that person who will look at me and take me as I am and for all that I was and could ever be. That one could make me see what I was worth.. And I always believed that once the right person came all my fears would just lull away in the sweet abyss of his embrace.
For more than 2 decades, I have always loved everybody and gave to everybody -no questions asked. That same optimism of love and hope made me the believer that I always was. i fell into this trance of believing that love --and hopefully Happiness, the real kind, would come.
But my usually eternally optimistic disposition has taken a haitus and left me stark naked, bare and cold. Not to mention exacerbated with everything I have had to deal with. I'm exhausted. Exhausted of fighting and trying to give sense into everything just because I can't bear the thought of letting some things go. It's these days that I prove the hardest thing about being in a battle is suiting up only to find out there's nothing left for you to fight for.
And if that wasn't enough, I have had the same tricky and sticky fate with the people I meet, the friends I make.. I think if anything, I have always been a good friend but somehow I always gets sucked into this mess of a game that only plays along the lines of deceit, prejudice and hypocrisy. And always gets me tangled up, pretty bad.
I know I'm lucky to have found for myself friends who have tested out time's wrath on with me and have kept me feeling secured of their love despite the many miles we never seem to run out between us. But then of course there are those who have come into my life and just shatters me good. I've kept reminding myself how everyone comes into your life for a reason (as everything that happens does)but I can't help thinking, what if those people were simply put in my life to hurt me. I don't even wanna go there but from how I have been battered and bruised by people, my thoughts on "the goodness in people" is walking a very thin tight rope right about now.
Today, I have just had enough. I'm tired. Tired of being pushed around, taken for granted, used, mocked.. and tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of making myself forgive people just because it's never been in my nature to hate. It's just not fair. Why is it always me? Why do I always, always do this to myself? Why do I keep loving people even when it's so obvious that I'm just getting f*cked? Why do I subject myself to having my efforts shunned and spat on every single time. Why can't I just let them go and forget about them? I know I do not deserve half the things I have been stormed with lately because if there's anything I know for certain about myself it's that I am and have always been a good person. And although I know no one can ever put a good person down, I'm also just human and this particular girl has just had it.
Pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na masaktan. (I am just so tired. I don't want to get hurt anymore)
As I sit here, alone with enough tears in my eyes to draw me a bath, I wonder.. What happened to all those I have so keenly taken cared of? Where are all those acts of love I have shown to people.. more importantly, where are they? Was life worth living having half the pain I have endured for so many people, troubles I have gotten into for others and those incessant looking-afters and spoiling I've been doing for everyone all my life?!What is it worth now that I find myself alone?! I have never hurt this badly before. Add up all the tears I've shed since Age 0 til about last January and you wouldn't even come close to just how much I've cried in the last 3 months. I have definitely outcried myself because quite frankly, the pain is just way too uncanny. So yea, maybe some people are meant to come into our lives just to screw us up.. and well, at this point, bravo to them I say! They not only screwed me up, they've also ruined my life.
And I'm done. With them. With all of them. Ayoko na. (I don't want this anymore)
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