Brand New
Hair cuts were always my way of release. Of letting go, of moving on and of saying goodbye. I think this dates back to when my grandfather died 11 years ago and it has been customary for me to change up my hair every time my I was going through something major. Break ups, deaths, overcoming disappointments and the amount of hair chopped off is usually a give-away of how much I'm going, getting or trying to get through. Well yesterday, I had my hair cut.
And while this would ordinarily be a shoe-in with the getting-over-everything category, I think it's far more than getting over things, I think I may have landed a good enough concrete as I walk towards healing. And by healing I mean gradual change; the wound is still there, still quite prone to infection when treated carelessly and still pretty much hurts. The road seems fine from here but I have learned from bitter (and recent) experience that even that can be as arbitrary as the weather and I am in no means letting my guard down, what with those bumpy roads ahead? No way. But I guess now, I'm just buckling up and paying more attention to it than I used to. The road ahead is as deceiving as the horizon, as picturesque as it seems, nothing guarantees your journey to be free from rain, bumps, dead ends and all those other extra spice thrown in to make it a tad bit more of an adventure.
If there's anything that my newly-whittled down hair has done, or rather signaled, it's that I am (finally) embracing the idiosyncratic changes that has been looming over my head, life (and hair) for the past couple of months. I have been fighting the the hurt and the pain all this time thinking it was the best way to wield the situation but it just keeps creeping back to me in gigantic waves very close together as though splashing and knocking me down unconscious. I am deciding to keep moving but letting everything be. Am I making sense? This might help you a bit;
Alice: Can you please show me which way to go?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a great deal on where you want to go
Alice: Oh I don't care really, just as long as I get somewhere
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go
Nothing? Hmmn, okay. Let me explain.
For a long time, I was pretty much like Alice, I knew I had so many things I wanted to do, go and see but I have forgotten why and what I was moving on for. All these years I have always driven myself to achieving every single thing I have envisioned myself of doing, and I have. But then now I think it's time I couple that determination with the proper vision. I don't want to feed just my mind anymore, high time I take care of my soul and my soul is yearning for some serious cultivation. So I proposed to myself to get back on track without trying to fix what has happened because at this point, there really is nothing I can do but believe that it will eventually work itself out and I can not allow myself to just sit around watching it "unfold". I am literally picking myself up from that hard thud of a fall, dusting myself and propping myself steady to take yet another step in this journey. I think this will liberate me better, seeing that I have set everything free. I have allowed myself to feel plenty of sad, hurt and all the congested anger? Gone. Free. Au Revoir.
I am letting it all go now and leaving everything the way it was before my world went awry. What's happened has happened, no sense digging it all up and turning it mor into a gordian knot than it already is. Besides, no matter what has happened and no matter how much I deserve to harbor anymore ill-feelings, nakakapagod narin magalit (being mad is exhausting). This anger-business just isn't for me. I have given myself the closure I always thought I needed to get from someone else, I am moving on and if I do look back at all, believe me, it's only to smile back at what has happened because really, so much are going to come out of this, I can just feel it. And since I have never believed that goodbyes always mean the end, along with the chains clamping still the bitter feelings, I am once again unlocking another door. A door I intend to keep open for whatever or whoever may wish to enter; sunshine, daisies & all.
I have never so much as hated anyone and I don't want to start now. It's exhausting and quite pointless, really. And well, I guess it also helps that I truly poured my heart into everything that was my life and it's really not much of a breeze to just chuck it out. Especially if it's one that made your heart beat like no other. I am moving forward, looking onward and though I know I can never go back, I rest on that little thing called Hope (and a dash of Faith) that maybe, those I have let be now, could one day, catch up with me and well, who knows? =)
New hair. New beginning. New reality. New lifestyle. New outlook but.. Same Passions. Same aspirations. Same values. Same indefatigable nature. Same optimism. Same Me.. And the same, same Heart.
The shortest it has been in almost 7 years.
And while this would ordinarily be a shoe-in with the getting-over-everything category, I think it's far more than getting over things, I think I may have landed a good enough concrete as I walk towards healing. And by healing I mean gradual change; the wound is still there, still quite prone to infection when treated carelessly and still pretty much hurts. The road seems fine from here but I have learned from bitter (and recent) experience that even that can be as arbitrary as the weather and I am in no means letting my guard down, what with those bumpy roads ahead? No way. But I guess now, I'm just buckling up and paying more attention to it than I used to. The road ahead is as deceiving as the horizon, as picturesque as it seems, nothing guarantees your journey to be free from rain, bumps, dead ends and all those other extra spice thrown in to make it a tad bit more of an adventure.
If there's anything that my newly-whittled down hair has done, or rather signaled, it's that I am (finally) embracing the idiosyncratic changes that has been looming over my head, life (and hair) for the past couple of months. I have been fighting the the hurt and the pain all this time thinking it was the best way to wield the situation but it just keeps creeping back to me in gigantic waves very close together as though splashing and knocking me down unconscious. I am deciding to keep moving but letting everything be. Am I making sense? This might help you a bit;
Alice: Can you please show me which way to go?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a great deal on where you want to go
Alice: Oh I don't care really, just as long as I get somewhere
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go
Nothing? Hmmn, okay. Let me explain.
For a long time, I was pretty much like Alice, I knew I had so many things I wanted to do, go and see but I have forgotten why and what I was moving on for. All these years I have always driven myself to achieving every single thing I have envisioned myself of doing, and I have. But then now I think it's time I couple that determination with the proper vision. I don't want to feed just my mind anymore, high time I take care of my soul and my soul is yearning for some serious cultivation. So I proposed to myself to get back on track without trying to fix what has happened because at this point, there really is nothing I can do but believe that it will eventually work itself out and I can not allow myself to just sit around watching it "unfold". I am literally picking myself up from that hard thud of a fall, dusting myself and propping myself steady to take yet another step in this journey. I think this will liberate me better, seeing that I have set everything free. I have allowed myself to feel plenty of sad, hurt and all the congested anger? Gone. Free. Au Revoir.
I am letting it all go now and leaving everything the way it was before my world went awry. What's happened has happened, no sense digging it all up and turning it mor into a gordian knot than it already is. Besides, no matter what has happened and no matter how much I deserve to harbor anymore ill-feelings, nakakapagod narin magalit (being mad is exhausting). This anger-business just isn't for me. I have given myself the closure I always thought I needed to get from someone else, I am moving on and if I do look back at all, believe me, it's only to smile back at what has happened because really, so much are going to come out of this, I can just feel it. And since I have never believed that goodbyes always mean the end, along with the chains clamping still the bitter feelings, I am once again unlocking another door. A door I intend to keep open for whatever or whoever may wish to enter; sunshine, daisies & all.
I have never so much as hated anyone and I don't want to start now. It's exhausting and quite pointless, really. And well, I guess it also helps that I truly poured my heart into everything that was my life and it's really not much of a breeze to just chuck it out. Especially if it's one that made your heart beat like no other. I am moving forward, looking onward and though I know I can never go back, I rest on that little thing called Hope (and a dash of Faith) that maybe, those I have let be now, could one day, catch up with me and well, who knows? =)New hair. New beginning. New reality. New lifestyle. New outlook but.. Same Passions. Same aspirations. Same values. Same indefatigable nature. Same optimism. Same Me.. And the same, same Heart.
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