Fight or Flight
You can blame it on Grey's Anatomy, a show I am addicted to right now and a show that has provided me a daily dose of (too much) blood, gore -not to mention, surgeries ending in deaths than I could handle or you can blame it on the fact that I have always been, how do I call it, familiar with this but it's only now that I'm fully recognizing it for what it is and what it means to me. It's been my very own cayote chasing me through my entire life like you all wouldn't believe, it has never really left me alone and I daresay I have never fully recovered.
Death is the ending we all share, and all these years of mourning have taught me it really isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Because if that was the case, then what do you call the existence of those who are alive but aren't really living?
I have faced death more times than I would like to remember, there isn't anything profound about that either because from experience, you mostly go on autopilot after the fifth. If you're lucky, you might still recognize pain from stomach cramp but it doesn't do anything for you other than add another reason to mourn or grieve or wallow and pine. Not until you're ready to face the world then by all means, mourn and grieve and wallow and pine all you want. But then there's business to take care of -a business called Your Life.
More than anything, my nearly 20 years of bout with death has given me quite a different perspective on Living, Dying and everything else in between. Death, as I said, is not the worst thing that can happen to a person, it might be for those he leaves behind but to a well-oiled mind, it is but another journey. But when a life is lived in such meaningless designs, when otherwise healthy lives are put on the line from something as petty as a love squabble gone awry, it makes me question myself, what in the world has been going on with people?
In just this past month, three of my friends have attempted ending their lives. One actually succeeded. Their reasons are unknown to me and quite frankly, I don't want to know because whether or not I would like to admit it, I am deeply shaken by this whole concept of suicide. Mainly because so many people in my life have gone on, either from illness or ill-handed fate. Fate that has caused many hearts to break from such terrible loss, the fate that allowed so many good people to pass on.. And all the while, it's that same fate that was and still is constantly toyed and challenged with by others who think the world would be better off without them. It's unfair for one to exit this life without so much a choice and just for some other to trash it away like it doesn't even matter.
I do not mean to offend anyone, I'm not sorry for sharing this because these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. It comes off that I'm basically judging those who have tried commiting the act, but I'm not. I said it once and I'll say it again, I don't understand why people do it, ergo I don't have the right to judge. I do however have the right to state my opinion and as you go along, I hope your minds continue to be open.
Since I was 14 until about 2 years ago, 4 close friends have died in succession from freak accidents. Accidents they weren't supposed to be in, accidents that didn't deserve to cut their young lives short -they were all healthy and vibrant whose only fault was to be at the wrong place at wrong time. For most of their deaths, I numbed myself from the pain. I had to, I figured because I was in enough agony dealing with all the other people I have lost before them and I didn't really know how I'd do if I allowed myself to feel but then when so much hurt has been bottling up inside you, one way or the other you're bound to release. You're bound to give in and you're bound to explode and I guess that was evident in the ridiculous amount of tears that have poured out of me in the last 4 months. Couple that with all the crap and sh|t I had to deal with and well, you can pretty much say I was a wreck for most of was has been of 2007.
I don't get a lot of things but if there's one that's a bit on top there, it's how one can inflict damage to oneself. Yes the world is cruel, yes the world is this plethora of all things bad but will things change if you end your life? I don't claim to understand the innerworkings of some people's brains but it just feels so unfair for some people to die without so much of a choice while some irresponsibly decides to take theirs just because they can't stand it anymore. I mean come on, there has got to be so much more people suffering out there but you don't see them hanging themselves. They resort to crying on end, making excessive phone calls for closure or what not, to cussing, to throwing things, ending marriages, relationships, moving out, shutting off other people and the like. Some resort to anger and bitterness and waddle in self pity and most of these people end up looking next to crap but they get on with life, they deal and however we all judge them, they survive the threat of the knife in their hands.
There was once in my life that I felt I couldn't stand it anymore, it was the most painful 60 seconds of my life. I was on the floor, clutching on the phone while my other hand was covering my eyes. My head was throbbing like crazy, my stomach was in a knot and my eyes stung as tears kept gushing out. I was for a moment, thinking about being somewhere else, where there wouldn't be anymore pain, where the tears would finally stop. I had a mirror infront of me and when I saw myself literally looking like hell, I decided to cry more, I actually forced myself to cry harder. I stayed lying on the carpet floor for the next 8 hours and though the pain didn't go away, nor did the longing for that more-peaceful-place flee, I think I did good. I'm glad for going through what I did doing what I did. I can't say that's the right thing for anyone else but it was for me. The pain's still there and they pretty much comes in waves. Big ones, very close together almost always knocking me to shore unconscious but in the light of what I have seen in those around me, this should be enough to keep me standing, I may wobble here and there as I walk but at least I've mustered up the will to keep moving.
But no matter how I have overcome my demons, there are those who unfortunately, didn't do very well. I now think back and wonder, why? What must have gone in their heads for even trying? Is this how they truly want their lives to end? And as I think of my friends, I can't help but think, was there anything I could have done? Being so far away and not being able to there for any of them have put a huge cloud over my head but I guess that was a choice that they made along with ending their lives. They chose to not seek help, they chose to shut everyone out of their lives believing they knew what was best.. They chose to get suckered in that rut of a feeling that left them hopeless at ever being happy again. They chose to walk the path alone. They say in life there are always two roads to take. One is easy and it's only reward is that it's easy. And I guess we all know which road they chose.. And why they did what they did, I don't know.
I guess none of us will ever know, or understand.
This is where I think our conscience comes to play. It is our conscience that dictates to us the choices we make which I think, defines and shows us who we really are. It can spring from simple choices of waking up early, eating right, to not talk behind people's back, to standing up for what you want, fighting for those you love, to choosing to keep your unwanted baby and more importantly, choosing to live. nd it seems an impossible choice to make but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. In this great scheme of life, death and everything in between, it's not so much of what we've done that counts, but what we have chosen to become. Are we going to face it, run or are we going to quit? Quite usually, it's always a choice between Fight or Flight. And it seems an impossible choice especially with the unsurmountable pain you might be going through, but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. I know we have all been at that wreched point where pain was uncannily insufferable but seeing you're reading this; what made you choose the other road?
What made you fight?
Death is the ending we all share, and all these years of mourning have taught me it really isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Because if that was the case, then what do you call the existence of those who are alive but aren't really living?
I have faced death more times than I would like to remember, there isn't anything profound about that either because from experience, you mostly go on autopilot after the fifth. If you're lucky, you might still recognize pain from stomach cramp but it doesn't do anything for you other than add another reason to mourn or grieve or wallow and pine. Not until you're ready to face the world then by all means, mourn and grieve and wallow and pine all you want. But then there's business to take care of -a business called Your Life.
More than anything, my nearly 20 years of bout with death has given me quite a different perspective on Living, Dying and everything else in between. Death, as I said, is not the worst thing that can happen to a person, it might be for those he leaves behind but to a well-oiled mind, it is but another journey. But when a life is lived in such meaningless designs, when otherwise healthy lives are put on the line from something as petty as a love squabble gone awry, it makes me question myself, what in the world has been going on with people?
In just this past month, three of my friends have attempted ending their lives. One actually succeeded. Their reasons are unknown to me and quite frankly, I don't want to know because whether or not I would like to admit it, I am deeply shaken by this whole concept of suicide. Mainly because so many people in my life have gone on, either from illness or ill-handed fate. Fate that has caused many hearts to break from such terrible loss, the fate that allowed so many good people to pass on.. And all the while, it's that same fate that was and still is constantly toyed and challenged with by others who think the world would be better off without them. It's unfair for one to exit this life without so much a choice and just for some other to trash it away like it doesn't even matter.
I do not mean to offend anyone, I'm not sorry for sharing this because these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. It comes off that I'm basically judging those who have tried commiting the act, but I'm not. I said it once and I'll say it again, I don't understand why people do it, ergo I don't have the right to judge. I do however have the right to state my opinion and as you go along, I hope your minds continue to be open.
Since I was 14 until about 2 years ago, 4 close friends have died in succession from freak accidents. Accidents they weren't supposed to be in, accidents that didn't deserve to cut their young lives short -they were all healthy and vibrant whose only fault was to be at the wrong place at wrong time. For most of their deaths, I numbed myself from the pain. I had to, I figured because I was in enough agony dealing with all the other people I have lost before them and I didn't really know how I'd do if I allowed myself to feel but then when so much hurt has been bottling up inside you, one way or the other you're bound to release. You're bound to give in and you're bound to explode and I guess that was evident in the ridiculous amount of tears that have poured out of me in the last 4 months. Couple that with all the crap and sh|t I had to deal with and well, you can pretty much say I was a wreck for most of was has been of 2007.
I don't get a lot of things but if there's one that's a bit on top there, it's how one can inflict damage to oneself. Yes the world is cruel, yes the world is this plethora of all things bad but will things change if you end your life? I don't claim to understand the innerworkings of some people's brains but it just feels so unfair for some people to die without so much of a choice while some irresponsibly decides to take theirs just because they can't stand it anymore. I mean come on, there has got to be so much more people suffering out there but you don't see them hanging themselves. They resort to crying on end, making excessive phone calls for closure or what not, to cussing, to throwing things, ending marriages, relationships, moving out, shutting off other people and the like. Some resort to anger and bitterness and waddle in self pity and most of these people end up looking next to crap but they get on with life, they deal and however we all judge them, they survive the threat of the knife in their hands.
There was once in my life that I felt I couldn't stand it anymore, it was the most painful 60 seconds of my life. I was on the floor, clutching on the phone while my other hand was covering my eyes. My head was throbbing like crazy, my stomach was in a knot and my eyes stung as tears kept gushing out. I was for a moment, thinking about being somewhere else, where there wouldn't be anymore pain, where the tears would finally stop. I had a mirror infront of me and when I saw myself literally looking like hell, I decided to cry more, I actually forced myself to cry harder. I stayed lying on the carpet floor for the next 8 hours and though the pain didn't go away, nor did the longing for that more-peaceful-place flee, I think I did good. I'm glad for going through what I did doing what I did. I can't say that's the right thing for anyone else but it was for me. The pain's still there and they pretty much comes in waves. Big ones, very close together almost always knocking me to shore unconscious but in the light of what I have seen in those around me, this should be enough to keep me standing, I may wobble here and there as I walk but at least I've mustered up the will to keep moving.
But no matter how I have overcome my demons, there are those who unfortunately, didn't do very well. I now think back and wonder, why? What must have gone in their heads for even trying? Is this how they truly want their lives to end? And as I think of my friends, I can't help but think, was there anything I could have done? Being so far away and not being able to there for any of them have put a huge cloud over my head but I guess that was a choice that they made along with ending their lives. They chose to not seek help, they chose to shut everyone out of their lives believing they knew what was best.. They chose to get suckered in that rut of a feeling that left them hopeless at ever being happy again. They chose to walk the path alone. They say in life there are always two roads to take. One is easy and it's only reward is that it's easy. And I guess we all know which road they chose.. And why they did what they did, I don't know.
I guess none of us will ever know, or understand.
This is where I think our conscience comes to play. It is our conscience that dictates to us the choices we make which I think, defines and shows us who we really are. It can spring from simple choices of waking up early, eating right, to not talk behind people's back, to standing up for what you want, fighting for those you love, to choosing to keep your unwanted baby and more importantly, choosing to live. nd it seems an impossible choice to make but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. In this great scheme of life, death and everything in between, it's not so much of what we've done that counts, but what we have chosen to become. Are we going to face it, run or are we going to quit? Quite usually, it's always a choice between Fight or Flight. And it seems an impossible choice especially with the unsurmountable pain you might be going through, but if you just look hard enough, the answer's actually pretty easy. I know we have all been at that wreched point where pain was uncannily insufferable but seeing you're reading this; what made you choose the other road?
What made you fight?
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