Fogged. Dazed -you name it, I am feeling it.
Wasn't it Benjamin Mays who said, "The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal, the tragedy lies in having no goal to reach." Well, far be it for me to decipher exactly what he really means, I refuse to believe that having a goal is all that should matter. I mean really, how can it?
In this modern world of corporate ladders emerging everywhere; with a society that practically demands you to make something out of yourself, how can goal-setting be all that? Take a good look around, everything is working in clock-work precision, just the way our society's norms have dictated upon us. And these hard-ball lessons in success aren't just circulated by those up there, power suits and all but it starts being hammered to all of us the minute we are able to comprehend a full sentence. I mean think about it, what is the most iterated thing you've heard from your parents? Let me guess, the "you-need-to-study-well-to-be-successful" speech, right? And in all those years of hearing that over and over again, it seems almost impossible for any of us to stray from "success" but as many tales have been told, there are those who made it and those whom you'd rather not speak of. But how are we to know if we've made it? How are we to affirm in ourselves that we've done what we were supposed to do? How do we know we've succeeded? Is it in the mere act of having a goal to zero at the way Sir Mays eloquently concluded? Is it in giving it your best regardless of the outcome? Is it coming out on top? Or is coming out of it at all good enough?
I don't know. But the more I think about it, the more I feel adrift to everything I once grasped on tightly about success and of myself.
I celebrated my 4th official month here in Newcastle this Monday and it was also that day I realized how in just another 4 months, I will be 22. Good God, where the heck have I been!?! I know time flies wicked fast but this is just insane, everything feels strange and I feel stuck in such a daze. I know this is all but normal but you can't blame a girl for wondering, how on earth did I end up this clueless!?! I have always known what I wanted to be, I was always in control of my life and I never really lost track of what I wanted to make out of myself. I had that feisty confidence even as a kid roaring me on to move forward and get on ahead -I always did. I have never so much bummed in my life and even when those times I was positively unglued, I always knew what was to become of me and all of a sudden, when everything should be looking bright, I feel all the more vagabond. And to cap off this already repulsive phase I'm in, I somehow lost my buoyancy making me look like Pollyanna sans the pig tails and rosy cheeks. It's one of those days when you'd rather lay in bed and think about how you got this screwed up only to realize you're doing exactly what has led you there in the first place: complacency, lackadaisical and just, lethargic. And at this point in my life, I think I have but reached that crossroad where laid before me are two roads presenting very different ends without so much of a tocsin as to where the heck you're headed. And that's precisely what's causing this massive dark of a cloud to hover over me and my used-to-be-cloudless thoughts. But all I see now is black, pitch dark. Black.
Without a doubt, my most frightening moment yet.
In the midst of caps and gowns I see in my friends' sites, I am left counting down the days of my own graduation July next year. While things have been looking up for me lately, what with the offer for final year settled and a mighty good chance at landing a newspaper gig come September for my placement, I am still perplexed as to what will become of me in the next year. The thunderous questions of adulthood rings crystal clear in my ear: What Now?!?
What's next?
Law School?
Start up that business?
Work?
Work where?
Stay in the UK?
Move to the US?
Go back home?
Along with my sanity, my train of thought has flown the coup so before I embarrass myself any further, I'd ask you all to stay tuned for Part II.
In this modern world of corporate ladders emerging everywhere; with a society that practically demands you to make something out of yourself, how can goal-setting be all that? Take a good look around, everything is working in clock-work precision, just the way our society's norms have dictated upon us. And these hard-ball lessons in success aren't just circulated by those up there, power suits and all but it starts being hammered to all of us the minute we are able to comprehend a full sentence. I mean think about it, what is the most iterated thing you've heard from your parents? Let me guess, the "you-need-to-study-well-to-be-successful" speech, right? And in all those years of hearing that over and over again, it seems almost impossible for any of us to stray from "success" but as many tales have been told, there are those who made it and those whom you'd rather not speak of. But how are we to know if we've made it? How are we to affirm in ourselves that we've done what we were supposed to do? How do we know we've succeeded? Is it in the mere act of having a goal to zero at the way Sir Mays eloquently concluded? Is it in giving it your best regardless of the outcome? Is it coming out on top? Or is coming out of it at all good enough?I don't know. But the more I think about it, the more I feel adrift to everything I once grasped on tightly about success and of myself.
I celebrated my 4th official month here in Newcastle this Monday and it was also that day I realized how in just another 4 months, I will be 22. Good God, where the heck have I been!?! I know time flies wicked fast but this is just insane, everything feels strange and I feel stuck in such a daze. I know this is all but normal but you can't blame a girl for wondering, how on earth did I end up this clueless!?! I have always known what I wanted to be, I was always in control of my life and I never really lost track of what I wanted to make out of myself. I had that feisty confidence even as a kid roaring me on to move forward and get on ahead -I always did. I have never so much bummed in my life and even when those times I was positively unglued, I always knew what was to become of me and all of a sudden, when everything should be looking bright, I feel all the more vagabond. And to cap off this already repulsive phase I'm in, I somehow lost my buoyancy making me look like Pollyanna sans the pig tails and rosy cheeks. It's one of those days when you'd rather lay in bed and think about how you got this screwed up only to realize you're doing exactly what has led you there in the first place: complacency, lackadaisical and just, lethargic. And at this point in my life, I think I have but reached that crossroad where laid before me are two roads presenting very different ends without so much of a tocsin as to where the heck you're headed. And that's precisely what's causing this massive dark of a cloud to hover over me and my used-to-be-cloudless thoughts. But all I see now is black, pitch dark. Black.Without a doubt, my most frightening moment yet.
In the midst of caps and gowns I see in my friends' sites, I am left counting down the days of my own graduation July next year. While things have been looking up for me lately, what with the offer for final year settled and a mighty good chance at landing a newspaper gig come September for my placement, I am still perplexed as to what will become of me in the next year. The thunderous questions of adulthood rings crystal clear in my ear: What Now?!?
What's next?
Law School?
Start up that business?
Work?
Work where?
Stay in the UK?
Move to the US?
Go back home?
Along with my sanity, my train of thought has flown the coup so before I embarrass myself any further, I'd ask you all to stay tuned for Part II.
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