Babbling my way to tomorrow
Isn't it ironic how we all condition ourselves to go for that dream but the minute it starts to materialize, we turn cold turkey and run away -far, far away from it without so much as looking back? Blame it on those blasted horror stories of dreams going belly up right before you get on top or be gobbled alive by your own insecurity and paranoia of not being good enough but it happens, it happens to the best of us.
One day you're so close to your dream that you can almost taste, feel it and then the next minute it feels as though the momentum and every excited bone in your body just went numb, everything feels unfamiliar and you suddenly feel unsafe -without the slightest clue as to where the heck you are. Think Amish country.
I guess that's what life is all about, huh? Moving on, pushing forward, growing up and all those things you have to muster in if you so much as intend to get anywhere in life. No matter how scary or unfamiliar or how uncomfotable it all seems in the beginning, you just got to deal.
But you know what's even scarier than the unfamiliarity of today? Not the haunting scars of yesterday but the mirror of truth that tomorrow presents. And by that I don't mean what could be in store for me personally but of what I have to bring myself to accept later on in life. Like more deaths, how time can change the people I love and the inevitable seeing-people-from-your-past moment. The first two, I think I can handle (practice makes perfect) but the last? Seeing former flames, former friends, former.. everything. It may seem like I'm making too much out of this but it's just something I have been thinking about. I mean, what could that be like? Of course I have in my head probable scenarios -all with me in a fabulous ensemble in a gathering honoring my many achievements and with them, well they're them (haven't we all?), but I don't think I'm going to be that lucky. Ooohboy. I have all my fingers and toes crossed.. That would be that day.. Ah yes. The day.
Being so far away from 'that past' makes it bittersweet. Yes, it gives me all the time to pace myself for that day but then all this time away could very well numb me out and just when I feel okay to face that moment, the years and years of emotion-hibernation gets the best of me and Poof! I explode right in the middle of that day and well, so much for my designer coutre.
So that's not exactly optimism but I guess that's the realist gene kicking in. And that darned gene is making me want to think of that day -that day when everything I have been trying to keep behind me finally catches up on me, slows down my pace, and bites me in the rear (okay, so maybe no biting but you get what I'm saying). And I guess there's really no getting out of this one and I mean what am I supposed to do? Go on exile for the next 10 years in Siberia to prevent that day from happening? Even if I do, I'm pretty sure God will weasel out a plan to somehow still make it happen.
Drat.
But you know what really gets to me? It's that I know no matter how I keep thinking about it to somehow prepare myself, I know I'm never going to be ready enough so why even bother worrying about something inevitable, right? I've always done well coping with stress and all those crazy emotion-inducing experiences so why am I freaking out on this one now, right? Right. I'm talking to myself now which should be your cue to run and hit that red x box on the upper right side of this site.
It's just freaking distracting, is all I'm saying. It's unsettling and my brain's all mixed up with all these emotions.. my goodness it can be tiring being a woman sometimes.
One day you're so close to your dream that you can almost taste, feel it and then the next minute it feels as though the momentum and every excited bone in your body just went numb, everything feels unfamiliar and you suddenly feel unsafe -without the slightest clue as to where the heck you are. Think Amish country.
I guess that's what life is all about, huh? Moving on, pushing forward, growing up and all those things you have to muster in if you so much as intend to get anywhere in life. No matter how scary or unfamiliar or how uncomfotable it all seems in the beginning, you just got to deal.
But you know what's even scarier than the unfamiliarity of today? Not the haunting scars of yesterday but the mirror of truth that tomorrow presents. And by that I don't mean what could be in store for me personally but of what I have to bring myself to accept later on in life. Like more deaths, how time can change the people I love and the inevitable seeing-people-from-your-past moment. The first two, I think I can handle (practice makes perfect) but the last? Seeing former flames, former friends, former.. everything. It may seem like I'm making too much out of this but it's just something I have been thinking about. I mean, what could that be like? Of course I have in my head probable scenarios -all with me in a fabulous ensemble in a gathering honoring my many achievements and with them, well they're them (haven't we all?), but I don't think I'm going to be that lucky. Ooohboy. I have all my fingers and toes crossed.. That would be that day.. Ah yes. The day.
Being so far away from 'that past' makes it bittersweet. Yes, it gives me all the time to pace myself for that day but then all this time away could very well numb me out and just when I feel okay to face that moment, the years and years of emotion-hibernation gets the best of me and Poof! I explode right in the middle of that day and well, so much for my designer coutre.
So that's not exactly optimism but I guess that's the realist gene kicking in. And that darned gene is making me want to think of that day -that day when everything I have been trying to keep behind me finally catches up on me, slows down my pace, and bites me in the rear (okay, so maybe no biting but you get what I'm saying). And I guess there's really no getting out of this one and I mean what am I supposed to do? Go on exile for the next 10 years in Siberia to prevent that day from happening? Even if I do, I'm pretty sure God will weasel out a plan to somehow still make it happen.
Drat.
But you know what really gets to me? It's that I know no matter how I keep thinking about it to somehow prepare myself, I know I'm never going to be ready enough so why even bother worrying about something inevitable, right? I've always done well coping with stress and all those crazy emotion-inducing experiences so why am I freaking out on this one now, right? Right. I'm talking to myself now which should be your cue to run and hit that red x box on the upper right side of this site.
It's just freaking distracting, is all I'm saying. It's unsettling and my brain's all mixed up with all these emotions.. my goodness it can be tiring being a woman sometimes.
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